Tag Archives: trash

  it's not a crime to be poor but it might as well be

Texas School Latest To Adopt Zero Tolerance Toward Hungry Poor Kids

A Texas elementary school threw out a 6th-grader’s reduced-price breakfast Wednesday when the child — a future thug, because he qualifies for reduced-price meals — was unable to pay the required 30 cents, even though his mother called the school and offered to bring three dimes. This latest incident — just one of several in the covered over the last few months — clearly taught the kid a lesson about how the real world works — not really a lesson about economics or responsibility or anything, but he definitely learned that idiots in positions of authority can act as arbitrarily and illogically as they want to, because don’t you know how institutions work? This should be a valuable touchstone for his future life, where idiots with power will almost certainly find innumerable ways to dick him around. With any luck, he may even rise to a middle-management position where he can dick around those below him in the organization chart. And he didn’t even have to be put in the stocks! This time. Read more on Texas School Latest To Adopt Zero Tolerance Toward Hungry Poor Kids…
  what's the big deal?

Meet The Not-Racist Young Lady Who Called For Assassination Of, Er, Let’s Just Say ‘Black’ President

“I didn’t think it’d be that big of a deal,” said this spritely lass when confronted with a news crew. Like, why are people all pissing and moaning, and why did she get fired from her job at Cold Stone Creamery, just because she said that someone should assassinate that “nigger” president? Like, what is even their damage, you know? Is she not simply expressing herself? And is that not what a special snowflake like herself must do? It’s just Facebook and stuff, plus if he got assassinated it’s not like she would be sad, but most importantly, SHE IS NOT A RACIST. “I’m not racist,” Denise Helms told the news crew. She has a lot of friends of different nationalities! Like, probably some Irish, and some Italians, maybe some Poles, POSSIBLY an Asiatic (but probably not, and DEFINITELY not any Jews), and, well, probably like a dude named “Lopez” but who is from Spain instead of Mexico. See, not racist at all! Read more on Meet The Not-Racist Young Lady Who Called For Assassination Of, Er, Let’s Just Say ‘Black’ President…
  facts are stupid things

Trash Robot and Dead Actor Honored On Postage Stamps

It’s morning in America, for reals this time! The United States has finally honored its favorite sanitation robot that toiled for 800 years cleaning up the Earth after fat slob humans trashed the whole place. That’s right, WALL-E is now on a postage stamp, so that very old people who still pay bills with stamps will look upon this little adhesive picture of a strange, squat goggle-eyed garbage-compactor puppet and think, “Oh look, E.T. is on a stamp. My grandchildren used to love that movie, before they all died in Iraq.” You know who else loved E.T., the Extra-Terrestrial? That’s right, teevee’s Ronald Reagan. And apparently he is dead now, just like WALL-E, because the Post Office put him on a stamp, too. Read more on Trash Robot and Dead Actor Honored On Postage Stamps…
  haha he liked harlot's ghost

Hitchens On the Worthless Washington Novel

Washington novels are terrible, as you maybe noticed if you’ve ever mistakenly picked up a novel about Washington. Christopher Hitchens has some theories: Can one imagine a Dickens without London or a Zola or Flaubert without Paris? The radix malorum can probably be found in the famous bargain between Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton, made when New York was still the capital of these United States. In exchange for an agreement to build the constitutionally mandated new Federal City on the border of Jefferson’s beloved Virginia, Hamilton could have his coveted national bank. Thus, and allowing for certain Philadelphian interludes, it was decided early on that the cultural capital of America would be separated from its political one. Other countries that have made similar two-headed arrangements include Australia, Brazil, Burma, and Canada: we yet await the Brasilia or Canberra novel. Read more on Hitchens On the Worthless Washington Novel…
  garbage people

Teabaggers Hate Government Trash Collection Now

Teabaggers from Arizona are a special breed and are continually winning the craziest-Teabagger national championship, so it should come as no surprise that they have come out in full force against a town’s decision to hire one trash truck and start a curbside recycling program. This is socialism, of course, because a government hiring a crew of garbage men to pick up a city’s and its residents’ trash is a huge government intrusion that will destroy this country with the force of seven garbage Joseph Stalins. So the beleaguered town council had to sit through Teabaggers yelling at them in a five-hour public hearing and debate period. Read more on Teabaggers Hate Government Trash Collection Now…
  shut up old man

John McCain’s Twitter Talks Awkwardly To Cancer-Bed Troll

Gross old liebot John McCain, whose entire head is made of skin cancer and bullshit, is having a very important policy discussion with “Snooki,” a bright orange dwarf who appeared on a chilling documentary about emotionally challenged adolescents left alone in a tacky vacation house to die of STDs. John McCain won’t tax you for working hard to get skin cancer, because look what skin cancer did for him! [Twitter via Wonkette operative “Jack O.”] Read more on John McCain’s Twitter Talks Awkwardly To Cancer-Bed Troll…
  the world is literally her oyster

Why Would Sarah Palin Speak At One Big Convention But Not Another?

This sure is queer. Sarah Palin has announced that she will speak at the upcoming National Tea Party Convention but will not speak at or even attend its sudden rival, CPAC. You could argue that it’s because the older, more established CPAC will probably not be quite as insane a “National Tea Party Convention,” but let’s not split hairs: they’ll both be magnificently nightmarish spectacles of torture and sadness. (The friggin John Birch Society is co-sponsoring CPAC this year, remember?) What could it be then? Hmm, long-shot here, but maybe Palin’s particular convention choices have something to do with the fact that the Tea Partiers will pay her a $100,000 fee, while CPAC does not pay any fees — or as their spokesperson calls them, “honorariums.” Who knew CPAC was so Soviet? [Washington Independent] Read more on Why Would Sarah Palin Speak At One Big Convention But Not Another?…
  those twittering mccains

Meghan McCain Now Threatening To Run Away With Trashy Sturgis Bikers, and She Definitely Should Do This!

Ah, Sturgis … it’s like the “Gathering of the Juggalos” for middle-aged people who saved up enough for a Gold Wing! And the $100-million McCain family just adores acting like they love this dumb populist cretin crap, because, after all, the McCains have those riches only because Cindy’s dad actually worked for a living, selling Budweiser to guys with choppers, in Arizona. It’s circular! Read more on Meghan McCain Now Threatening To Run Away With Trashy Sturgis Bikers, and She Definitely Should Do This!…
  wasilla family values

Levi vs. Sarah, TeeVee’s Longest Running Snowbilly Reality Show

This is going to go on forever — and eventually, it will involve the female participants wrestling in a vat of Taco Bell X-treme ketchup or whatever. Hooray! Now, lest you believe this is somehow “trivial” or “exactly what happens in much of America,” we want to remind you that this woman, Sarah Palin, intends to become President, somehow, and then she will install Trig as “Prince ‘o Peace,” and he will rule the world for 666 years, and then he will nuke it. He is made of nukes, Trig is. Read more on Levi vs. Sarah, TeeVee’s Longest Running Snowbilly Reality Show…
  seething hatred

McCain Can’t Even Tell Polite Lie About Supporting Palin In 2012

How deeply must you despise your former running mate — the person you wanted America to accept as a perfectly good and safe president-in-waiting, just a few months ago — to be unable to fake a quick “Sure I support her” on a Sunday news-chat show? Here’s Old Walnuts McCain utterly unable to answer a simple question about Palin from David Gregory, because good lord, Palin is absolute human garbage. You’ve got to be some real dumb trash when even Republicans won’t support you. [YouTube/USA Today] Read more on McCain Can’t Even Tell Polite Lie About Supporting Palin In 2012…
  ain't wasn't none slaves here

Arkansas Legislature Votes Down Resolution Congratulating Obama

It seems that racists still haven’t gotten over Barack Obama’s election victory, alas. For example: Arkansas. The Arkansas House Committee on State Agencies and Governmental Affairs rejected a standard symbolic resolution congratulating Barack Obama on his historic victory this morning, 11-6, after a couple of Republicans took issue with language describing “the United States as a nation founded by slaveowners.” Oh my god. Read more on Arkansas Legislature Votes Down Resolution Congratulating Obama…
  inaugural destruction

A Children’s Treasury Of Obama Trash

One of two things happened to Washington D.C. this afternoon: (1) Obama’s friends the Muslims snuck in one of those dirty bombs they make all the time and blew it up around Constitution and 5th, raining toxic waste debris across a five-block radius so as to kill Christians (2) Tourists threw their shit all over the ground. Maybe there is a Third Way… but yeah, #2, kill them all. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Obama Trash…
  garbage day

OMG Some Trash Cans Were Full, On Sunday, OBAMA IS A TRAITOR

Too bad they’re not filled with Obama’s birth certificates, from Moscow, in Saudi Arabia. Please let’s have the Supreme Court stop this fraud president before Washington becomes, somehow, filled with garbage! [YouTube] Read more on OMG Some Trash Cans Were Full, On Sunday, OBAMA IS A TRAITOR…
  wasilla hillbillies

Whack Job Palin’s Diva Exit From America

As the snow-meth icing on the Baked Alaska of Sarah Palin’s hilarious public self-destruction which is also hilariously destroying the the grisly remaining blood-and-gristle bits of the Republican Party, here is how ABC News describes her exit from the McCain Failure Party, where she was not allowed to speak: “And when McCain and Palin split up in Arizona Wednesday, the personal differences were stark. McCain drove himself home in a Toyota sport utility vehicle. Palin’s departure was a grander event. She left with an entourage of 18 family members and friends and a Secret Service detail, heading to the airport in a motorcade stretching more than a dozen vehicles, flanked by a dozen more cops on motorcycles.” [ABC News via Steve Silberman] Read more on Whack Job Palin’s Diva Exit From America…
  mavericks & other crooks

Palin Troopergate Report Due Friday!

Here’s something fun to look forward to, this Friday, other than the End of Capitalism and Electricity or whatever: There’s going to be a fun report on that legal investigation into Sarah Palin’s “abuse of power” in Alaska, when she fired all her sister’s rape victims or something. Troopergate! Nobody knows what it’s about, other than Governor Palin is some cheap crook who has many enemies — mostly the ex-husbands of her white-trash family members — and she destroys their lives by taking away their jobs. Way to fight for the little people, Maverickita! [Crooks & Liars] Read more on Palin Troopergate Report Due Friday!…
  see you in hell

Jesse Helms Finally Dead

We interrupt your Fourth of July with some Breaking News: Jesse Helms was apparently still alive, and now he’s dead, hooray! He was a sour troll and a bigot, and it’s a testament to every rotten thing about this country that for a quarter century, he was one of the most powerful people in American politics. [LAT/NYT] Read more on Jesse Helms Finally Dead…