This guy. Here he is at the 2009 “RightOnline” conference, which took place in Hell over the past weekend. In Joe’s speech, he said that his “size twelves” ensure the edumacation of his children. He stomps on his kids when they get bad grades! He also told an AlterNet reporter that back in the day, when he would run across the likes of Nancy Pelosi, “Those kind of people I usually took behind the woodshed and just beat the livin’ tar out of ‘em.” What an unlikely success story! And this concludes your update on Joe the Plumber. [YouTube, Think Progress, AlterNet]

YOU DON’T SAY: “The teen love affair that rocked last year’s presidential race is over. Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, has ditched her baby daddy, Levi Johnston!” Hey Levi, call your pretend grandpa John McCain and ask why he’s against tattoo-removal programs for American losers. [The Star/Gawker]