Tag Archives: track palin

  pow! right in the kisser!

2014: The Year Bristol Palin And Her Mom, Ol’ Whatsername, Made All Our Dreams Come True

She's all out of makeup, frankly.
There’s this lady, Sarah Palin, you wouldn’t know her. She flitted through the public consciousness for a hot minute in 2008, and then was never heard from again. Haha, spoiler alert, yes she was. We’re sorry. But aside from all Sarah Palin’s usual hijinks, most of which involved either racism or grift (because like we said, “usual”), there was one glorious moment in 2014 in which all the Palin clan’s true class became as crystal clear as the finest Coors Lite. And it lasted like a month. Read more on 2014: The Year Bristol Palin And Her Mom, Ol’ Whatsername, Made All Our Dreams Come True…
  if the manicure's not split you must acquit

Bristol Palin: Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or This Police Audio And These Police Reports?

We have had some fun the past month or so with the Great Palin Mixed-Martial-Arts Demolition Derby Fisticuffs And Book Club High Tea. Well, says Bristol Palin, bruiser, that is simply unfair! You know Bristol is very very serious in her masterpiece, “The Truth about the ‘Palin Brawl’ – The Media Reveals Its Bias Against Conservative Women Once Again,” because she “wrote” more than two sentences and a link. Why, she “wrote” many many words! So many words! Let us read some, together. Read more on Bristol Palin: Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or This Police Audio And These Police Reports?…
  Only Ten Million Votes Short Of A Heartbeat Away

Let’s All Listen To Track And Bristol Palin, And Laugh And Laugh

Can't be too careful
Update: Additional fun audio at end of post. Thank god for responsive government! We’ve already seen the police reports, and now Anchorage Police have released audio from their interviews with witnesses at the scene of the Great Wasillabilly Rumble. The recordings are a veritable treasure trove of alcohol-fueled rage, privilege, and score settling. There’s the Big Drama over Track’s maybe-lost St. George necklace, a talisman through which God Almighty bestowed His protection upon the War Hero: Read more on Let’s All Listen To Track And Bristol Palin, And Laugh And Laugh…
  heartbeat away from the presidency

Palins Vindicated! (As Stinking-Drunk, Brawling Yahoos, Per Anchorage P.D. Police Report)

Has it only been five weeks since Bristol Palin threw the sucker punch heard round the world? Well the Anchorage Police Department finally has a police report and holy Mary Bristol mother of God baby or babies unknown, HOLY HELL! Read ‘em and weep! Read more on Palins Vindicated! (As Stinking-Drunk, Brawling Yahoos, Per Anchorage P.D. Police Report)…
  Saturday Night's All Right For Fighting

Palin Rumble Update: Palins Didn’t Start The Fight, They Just Finished It

Details still trickling in
More details continue to emerge regarding the Great Big Palin Brawl of ’14. We aren’t going to go into all the various he-said/she-said/she-screeched-like-a-demented-hellbeast scenarios, but the basics are that a whole bunch of Palins got into a punching match with a number of lesser mortals at a Sept. 6 birthday party in Anchorage, apparently because Track Palin took exception to the presence of a former boyfriend of young Arbor Day Palin. Read more on Palin Rumble Update: Palins Didn’t Start The Fight, They Just Finished It…
  fa-fa-fa-fa-fashion

What To Wear To Your Late Summer Brawl: The Palin Family’s Fashion Do’s!

Late summer. The perfect time to crash a birthday party, punch the host in the face multiple times, and shriek obscenities at all and sundry. But WHAT TO WEAR? If you are Sarah Palin, the answer is “platform shoes with American flags on them.” You guys, I think I just got hard. Let’s glean more fashion tips from the Palin clan, along with the latest from witnesses on how the fight started, who punched whom and who choked someone out (Todd. Todd choked someone out), and the level of shirtlessness on certain Palin family eldest sons. It’s not the first time the Palins have graced our fashion pages, but it might just be the best. Read more on What To Wear To Your Late Summer Brawl: The Palin Family’s Fashion Do’s!…
  We do not accept also too

Sarah Palin Apologizes To America, Finally

Kiss it.
Sarah Palin made an appearance on Sean Hannity’s TV Funhouse for Aggrieved White Men last night to do something she should have done a long time ago. She was brought on the show to discuss the finer points of American foreign policy as it relates to the Islamic State, which is right up there with winking and field dressing a moose on the List Of Things Sarah Palin Is Qualified To Do. And then…oh our dear G_d, she actually apologized. Raw Story and HuffPo bring us this story, which will make your liberal grinch hearts grow three sizes this day. Read more on Sarah Palin Apologizes To America, Finally…
  somehow levi's fault

Grandma Palin Strikes Again, Knocks Up Newest Family Member

There must be something in that Alaska soil that makes the young women there so fertile, at least the young women who spend a lot of time getting hammered and doing it, in said soil. America weeps this evening, because someone in the Palin family is apparently pregnant again. No, it is not Piper (yet), it is that girl Britta, who had a denim-themed wedding to Track Palin on top of a mountain back in May. But hey, May was not that long ago, and she looks pretty pregnant in these Facebook photos retrieved by Gawker. Oh no, Palins. Not again. Read more on Grandma Palin Strikes Again, Knocks Up Newest Family Member…
  like losing the vietnam war twice

World’s Most Unfortunate Young Woman Joins Palin Family

In Alaska, tragedy has struck: Sarah Palin’s son Track (who is a person, not a Hot Wheels play set), married a young woman, officially making her a Palin and a part of the Arctic’s largest grifting operation. Around the world, people now grieve for her, as this is pretty much the worst thing that can happen to a person. Will she be forced to talk about how much she loves guns and, paradoxically, “life” on a reality teevee show? Will she be forced to get a new chin? Probably. Osama bin Laden’s widows had this to say in a joint statement: “As much as we wish death upon the United States, we stand together with and pray for the grieving people of America, who have lost an innocent woman to the Palin family at a tragic young age. May God be with you in your hour of need before He smites you.” Read more on World’s Most Unfortunate Young Woman Joins Palin Family…
  no better than yer wonkette

Katie Couric Hates Sarah Palin’s Children

Here is Katie Couric running through a script about Sarah Palin the day John McCain picked her as his running mate and—OH NO—she says the same thing about Sarah Palin’s children that has been said by every person ever. Why does she hate Trig so much? Stop making fun of him, Katie! See, she hates Sarah Palin, and that’s why Palin couldn’t answer her questions when she interviewed her. It makes so much sense now! Sarah Palin isn’t dumb! Katie Couric just hated her! Read more on Katie Couric Hates Sarah Palin’s Children…
  america's greatest novel

Dirty ‘Going Rogue’ Photos: The Part Where Track Gives Up Chewin’, But Not Cussin’

Here is the latest strange part of Going Rogue, where Sarah Palin talks to her cussin’, chewin’, questionin’ son Track, who is fightin’ in the Wars. We think Sarah is telling Track that she has decided to not-quit her job as governor, by quitting it. Then she abruptly orders Track to fast (!), but they reach a compromise. Track is a real American. Read more on Dirty ‘Going Rogue’ Photos: The Part Where Track Gives Up Chewin’, But Not Cussin’…