Tag Archives: townhall

  Pretty sure this isn't racial transcendence

Idiot Wingnut Chick: America’s Not Racist, Except For Obama

Let's talk about slavery, Heather.
Here America is, all fired up for yet another solemn Conversation On Race, when we don’t even need to be doing that in the first place, since racism is over. The Charleston shooting was an Isolated Incident, because while individual racists still exist, America as a nation does not have any lingering institutional racism, according to Fox News contributing wingnut Katie Pavlich, who begins a column for The Hill by setting a straw man gloriously ablaze, much like the recent spate of burning black churches across the South: Read more on Idiot Wingnut Chick: America’s Not Racist, Except For Obama…
  low hanging fruit

Mike Huckabee: Hawking Fake Diabetes Cures Proves I’ll Be A Great President

Yours for only $19.95, bitches.
Republican presidential “candidate” Mike Huckabee is in trouble with liberals like CBS’s Bob Schieffer for, among other things, appearing in infomercials hawking “Diabetes Solution Kits” (yours for just $19.95!), which encourage healthy eating, exercise, oh and also curing diabetes with cinnamon. Because that’s totally real. Appearing on “Face the Nation,” Huckabee got ALL KINDS of defensive, because first of all, you are not his real mom and you can’t tell him what to do: Read more on Mike Huckabee: Hawking Fake Diabetes Cures Proves I’ll Be A Great President…
  wingnut slapfight

Bryan Fischer Will Root All Queers Out Of Wingnut ‘News’ Websites

GRRRR HOMOS GRRRR
Bryan Fischer’s butthole is in an extra-twitchy state (not the Michelle Malkin kind of twitchy; or wait, come to think of it, yes the Malkin kind), as he is feeling BETRAYED! You see, one of the wingnut websites he likes, Townhall.com, has a known homosexual in its midst, by the name of Guy Benson, political editor. And Benson is a dirty homo, as he reveals in a new book out this week. Let your freak flag fly, Fischer: Read more on Bryan Fischer Will Root All Queers Out Of Wingnut ‘News’ Websites…
  Katie Pavlich Attempts Journalism Again

Wingnut Outraged: Planned Parenthood Trying To Take Away Your Birth Control, Probably

Let's talk about slavery, Heather.
It has been some time since we produced an edition of our semi-regular feature That’s Our Katie!, wherein we chronicle the idiocy of Townhall bobblehead Katie Pavlich. Mostly we have avoided writing this feature because doing so requires us to read Katie Pavlich’s work, and our therapist has had us working on our self-respect lately. But screw it, we successfully balanced our checkbook yesterday and we’re feeling good! Read more on Wingnut Outraged: Planned Parenthood Trying To Take Away Your Birth Control, Probably…
  #payup

EXCLUSIVE! Stupidest Man On Internet Has Surprise That Will Leave Libs ‘Reeling.’ Is It Our $3150?

ACHTUNG! DRUDGE SIREN! Shut the fuck up everybody, IMPORTANT NEWS! Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man on the Internet, announces that he will be having an announcement for us tomorrow, and it is going to leave “‘progressives'” “reeling.” IS IT PAYING US OUR $3150? Hahaha, fuck no, can’t get blood from a grifter, dude. Last fall I was on my deathbed. But, God so graciously gifted me with more time on this Earth. And, in gratitude, I have decided to launch a new project. On Friday, the internet landscape is going to shift. Join us as we launch a new project that will have the “progressive” movement reeling. You guys, fuuuuuuuck. It is like being seven and there are still FOURTEEN HOURS until Christmas morning, and you are probably going to DIE from pent-up need — no, LUST — for the made-in-China lead-based toy-thing in a bright shiny heap of MORE lead-based toy-things and you are sick from candy and your belly is full of ache (and toy lust). Is it morning yet? Is it morning yet? GODDAMMIT WHY ISN’T IT MORNING YET??? Read more on EXCLUSIVE! Stupidest Man On Internet Has Surprise That Will Leave Libs ‘Reeling.’ Is It Our $3150?…
  That's Our Katie!

Katie Pavlich Attempts Journalism Again, With Usual Results

Greetings, great Wonkespora, and welcome to another edition of That’s Our Katie!, our semi-regular feature where we take a look at the lies and sloppy journalism spewed by wingnut dingbat Katie Pavlich in her never-ending quest to make us actually long for the reasonable and fact-based writing of Phyllis Schlafly. This is an awful series we proposed to write because it means we have to put on a Hazmat suit and dive into the viscera-soaked sewer of Townhall, but it is also an easy series to write because finding an issue Katie has misrepresented, distorted or lied about is simpler than finding water in the ocean. Let’s see what she has in store for us today. Here’s a headline: Get Ready to Bailout the Postal Service. It’s no secret the United States Postal Service is in financial trouble and has been looking for ways to raise revenue without jacking up the price of a single stamp to roughly the equivalent of a Subaru. So what’s going on here, Katie? Read more on Katie Pavlich Attempts Journalism Again, With Usual Results…
  That's Our Katie!

Wingnut ‘Journalist’ Katie Pavlich Racesplains Why Debo Adegbile Must Lose So White People Can Remain Free

Hola wonquistadors, and welcome to our new and possibly semi-regular feature we call That’s Our Katie! wherein we take a look at the lies that syphilitic skunk dick Katie Pavlich allows to drip from her face hole onto the pages of Townhall.com. Previously we have covered Katie lying about protestors in Texas bringing bricks into the Capitol building to throw at state legislators during last summer’s debate over an abortion-rights bill, lying about Planned Parenthood in Austin hiring protestors to march on the state Capitol during that same debate, and ignoring complicated subjects like “party realignment” and “history” in order to make a point (a point OF LIES). What has been occupying Katie’s skull in recent weeks? The confirmation battle over Debo Adegbile of course, because Katie is very sensitive to racially charged issues. And what’s more racially charged than President Shaft appointing a cop-killer-lover to head the civil rights division of the Justice Department to carry out the New Black Panther goal of putting all the white people in FEMA camps? Read more on Wingnut ‘Journalist’ Katie Pavlich Racesplains Why Debo Adegbile Must Lose So White People Can Remain Free…
  nein nein nein!

Shrieking Meth-Rage Banshee Michelle Malkin Selling Twitter Rag ‘Twitchy’ To Some Dumb Idiots

Do you love humorous things, perhaps of a political nature? Do you like wit, and incisiveness, and not being A Idiot? Then you probably do not read Michelle Malkin’s Twitchy. It is a bad place of sadness where unnamed “staff” go and cull tweets from right wingers yelling at liebruls and then add commentary like “SNAP” and “YA BURNT” (they do not actually say “YA BURNT” I think, because that would be too much coolness) and call it a day. Oftentimes, instead of focusing on SNAPpy BURNING from rightwingers, they focus on dastardly tweets from treasonous Demoncrats, at which point all the monkeys fly out of Michelle’s butt and go harass the Demoncrat in question for like days. Also, seriously, they are stupid as fuck. Read more on Shrieking Meth-Rage Banshee Michelle Malkin Selling Twitter Rag ‘Twitchy’ To Some Dumb Idiots…
  also wants some pageviews also as well too

Wingnut Wants Homeless Veterans To Stop Being Low-Lifes Milking Sympathy, Be Upstanding Like Him

Happy Veterans Day / Armistice Day / Kurt Vonnegut’s birthday! Perhaps you have the day off of your “work,” and are using your free time to trawl your Wonkette. (Don’t forget to trawl HappyNiceTimePeople while you’re at it, now with fewer computer STD’s!) Perhaps you never have “work” at all, because of how you are a loser vet who believed the LIEBERAL LIE that you could come home with PTSD and just stone cold put your hand out and be a grifter and not work hard like all the good vets do! Good vets like one Kurt Schlichter, who in the eternal quest for some juicy pageviews has sexplained that … well let us let Kurt Schlichter do his own yakking. Let’s be clear – being a veteran is not a “Get out of work free” card that excuses you from the basic responsibility of supporting yourself and your family. If I pass a bum with a sign reading “Homeless Vet,” I don’t feel an overpowering surge of solidarity. I feel disgusted that another low-life is trying to milk sympathy off a proud status that millions of us earned with our blood and sweat and years of our lives. Oh, he seems nice. And also #caring. (And also maybe not so good at following his own thoughts logically from beginning to end, but what do you want the man to do? He’s got a word count, and mouths to feed!) Read more on Wingnut Wants Homeless Veterans To Stop Being Low-Lifes Milking Sympathy, Be Upstanding Like Him…
  moynihan retort

George Will Explains How Single Moms Make Martin Luther King Jr. Cry

Windsor-knotted colostomy bag George Will took the occasion of the upcoming 50th anniversary of the March on Washington For Jobs and Freedom to explain that there’s a very simple reason that there’s an economic disparity between whites and blacks: Black ladies are birthin’ too many babies without a man in the hizzouse. On This Week With George Stephanopoulos, delightfully named WaPo journalist Dan Balz said, “We forget that this was the March for Jobs and Justice [sic] … There has been tremendous progress, there’s no question about that, in all the ways we’re talking about. But the persistence of the gap between white wealth and black wealth, white income and black income, is something that has stayed almost constant for the past two decades.” Nuh-uh, replied Will, dazzling the panel with the exact same analysis that he provided four weeks ago in discussing Detroit’s bankruptcy: “The events to which you refer were foreshadowed by something eight months after the march … A young social scientist from Harvard working in the Labor Department published a report. His name was Daniel Patrick Moynihan. He said, ‘There is a crisis in the African American community, because 24% of African American children are born to unmarried women.’ Today it’s tripled to 72%. That, and not an absence of rights, is surely the biggest impediment.” We were impressed by Will’s vast oversimplification of the 1965 “Moynihan Report,” as well as his simple faith that it was the only legitimate social science research ever to address the question. But what really got our attention was his subsequent proof of his mastery of causal relationships, in which he smashed an egg and did unspeakable things to a chicken. Read more on George Will Explains How Single Moms Make Martin Luther King Jr. Cry…
  also I will be happy to haul away your old sofa

Townhall Investigative Reportrix Katie Pavlich Uncovers Shocking Truth: Everyone’s Pretty ‘Whatever’ About Wendy Davis

Man, it seems like just yesterday, and not a full week ago, that the Texas state legislature finished up its Very Special Session with a heroic butt-kicking of the Republican Party, said kicking having been led by one Wendy Davis, a hard-charging state senator who has overcome the crippling twin disabilities of single motherhood and being a total uggo to transform into a legislative badass. We had barely caught our breath when Governor Rick “Pew! Pew!” Perry announced that goldangit, ain’t no silly Harvard-educated salon-hound of a woman gonna keep the state of Texas from doing its righteous duty of preventing the chattel from making choices about their own bodies, no sirree bob! Thus did the members of the Texas legislature find themselves back in the capitol this past Monday for another 30-day special session, because who wouldn’t want to spend all of July in Austin? What this has meant is a blizzard of bullshit for yr Wonkette to cover, which is difficult enough to do when everything is so awful that we have to start our morning drinking the night before. We don’t need it made worse by some sanctimonious twit spewing easily disprovable lies or cherry-picking irrelevant data points to mount an argument. Oh hi, Townhall Editor Katie Pavlich, we didn’t hear you come in. Your ears must have been burning! Have a seat while we begin our lesson in Not Being an Unreconstructed Poop Weasel. Read more on Townhall Investigative Reportrix Katie Pavlich Uncovers Shocking Truth: Everyone’s Pretty ‘Whatever’ About Wendy Davis…
  asphinctersayswhat

Bitter Defeated Ex-Congressman Joe Walsh Explains At Americans That They Are Stupid Losers

Have you missed Joe Walsh (R-Nothing)? No, of course you haven’t, because he is kind of an asshole. But JUST IN CASE someone misses him he has started a group called the “Freedom Movement” and invited people to a townhall meeting so they could watch him wave his arms around and talk about Freedom for a good two hours. Yes, this video is two hours long, and it consists of him a) talking and b) waving his arms around and once in awhile c) consulting his notes. And as it turns out, you can cram an awful lot of stupid into two hours, although our favorite occurs at around 29:00, when he informs his audience that he routinely ignores the advice of political strategists who tell him not to insult the American people, and then goes ahead and insults the American people. Read more on Bitter Defeated Ex-Congressman Joe Walsh Explains At Americans That They Are Stupid Losers…
  and humble too

Romney Website: Mitt Romney Just Cold Saving People’s Lives Right And Left

Did you know Mitt Romney once saved a 14-year-old girl’s LIFE? He did that by going to look for her after she disappeared. Even though he did not actually find her. And she was just sleeping off an Ecstasy binge. But no, Mitt Romney is like Ryan Gosling times Morrissey plus Superman minus Kryptonite. Mitt Romney can’t help saving people’s lives. He just does it. Like one time he and his family saw a boat take on water and they didn’t even leave the people to drown! MittRomney.com, through the offices of Hottest Conservative Blogger John Hawkins, would like you to remember that! MITT ROMNEY IS A LIVING SAINT. Read more on Romney Website: Mitt Romney Just Cold Saving People’s Lives Right And Left…
  only trying to help

Townhall Columnist Solves Everything: Secret Service Is Addicted To Porn

“What do you suppose are the chances,” wonders Townhall columnist Mona Charen, that the Cartagena Dozen or whatever, like and watch porn? It’s very important that we talk about this, says Ms. Charen, because if we can just know this one thing, maybe it explains everything, and if we can stop porn, maybe we can stop men from going down south and “damag[ing] their marriages and the lives of their children by engaging prostitutes.” Engaging prostitutes! What a turn of phrase. Charen then answers her own question: the chances are “100 percent,” and so now we know what we must do, with this hard science in our grasp. Turn off the Internet. Take a woman’s hand (as long as she is not a prostitute) and talk to her. Read more on Townhall Columnist Solves Everything: Secret Service Is Addicted To Porn…
  riddle me this

Townhall Columnist Wants Obamapology for 8-Year-Old Murder of White Man by Other White Man

Sorry for the slow posting, dudes, we have spent hours and hours trying to figure out this doozy of a piece from Townhall “finance” columnist John Ransom, and we think we may have gotten it? No, we have not. Maybe you can? Let’s try together! Here is how it begins: Mmmm, you can almost taste the healing going on around the world. As the oceans begin to recede, and Pharaoh’s army gets swallowed by the Red Sea, we should pause to thank the man who gave us this moment. That was some good healing you gave us, Mr. Post-Racial president. I remember when you first started advocating the Afghan “surge” strategy. So it is about Afghanistan? Sort of, because staff Sgt. Robert Bales went all My Lai over there, so that is probably the president’s fault! But that is not why John Ransom wants an apology. Read more on Townhall Columnist Wants Obamapology for 8-Year-Old Murder of White Man by Other White Man…