Wonkette

The Los Angeles Times knows what led to the CIA’s destruction of those torture tapes! If you’re wondering why you didn’t read about this, it might be because they broke it like late-morning on Monday — the day before Christmas. Hey, smooth move, guys! I’m sure eeeverybody saw it! Next time, you may want to point your team of crack reporters toward a calendar.

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Mike Huckabee continued to spread his subliminal floating Christmas cheer in Iowa today by telling supporters that Guantanamo Bay is one helluva good time. Specifically, it’s “too nice”! And he would know because he’s been there and is now a goddamn expert. Thanks for the news, motherfuckabee! We wouldn’t know, because all of the tapes have been destroyed. MORE »

Just recently, my Wonkette inbox was quite atwitter with the glow of a message from “John McCain,” because the subject line was “Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.” OMG Thanks John McCain! That’s so nice and precious of you to send to me, considering I make fun of your swollen torture cheeks every day. Inside the e-mail, however, John tells his “Christmas Story,” and the first paragraph was the least “happy” or “merry” thing imaginable — like that new ad of his. Yeah yeah, he did all sorts of great sacrifices for Americans or some such. Still, um, TMI? We’ll take the less guilt-inducing road and just say, Merry Holidays, WALNUTS! [JohnMcCain.com]

Wonkette readers, I never properly introduced myself when I started in October — and this was because I have been living a lie. I am not, in fact, Jim Newell, the “supposed” 22-year-old brat in Washington who makes mindfuckingly hilarious political jokes and uber-trenchant political observation. I am actually Jim al-Newell, a perceived terrorist with al-Qaeda who has all sorts of fun CIA information and shit like that. I hid this double agent status well until one day, when I was walking around DC with Megan Carpentier and I *stupidly* wore my favorite t-shirt — the one that says “Perceived Terrorist” in big A-rab letters on the front. Megan proceeded to waterboard me and asked all sorts of insidery-like questions, like “What time should we publish the gossip roundup?” Torture, I says! She proceeded to destroy the tape of this session — but oh ho ho, my secret camera caught it all! Watch it above! Death to teh Amerkaz, I’m not going anywhere!

Don’t plan on leaving Washington this week on any skiing trips out West if you’re George Bush’s lawyer because it turns out that Christmas is your new busy season! Fresh from a blow by federal courts just yesterday, today brought another setback for President Waterboard. District Judge Henry Kennedy (of the Rhode Island Kennendys? Anyone know?) apparently ruled way back in 2005 that the Bush admin should not, you know, destroy tapes and stuff that related to prisoner (mis)treatment and guess what? For some odd reason, he thinks they might have!

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“The former CIA intelligence official who went public on ABC News about the agency’s use of waterboarding in interrogations, John Kiriakou, apparently will not be the subject of a Justice Department investigation, even though some CIA officials believe he revealed classified information about the use of waterboarding…. Gen. Michael Hayden, the CIA director, did sent out a classified memo this morning warning all employees ‘of the importance of protecting classified information,’ a CIA spokesperson told ABCNews.com.” Importance of whosawhatsitnow? Secrecy, got it. [ABC News]

The CIA is rolling out its charm offensive this week in the wake of reports that destroyed evidence and in the face of increasing public scrutiny of the waterboarding technique. Former CIA agent John Kiriakou got on the teevee to talk about that rose-hued day he and his team waterboarded notorious Al-Quaida bad guy Abu Zubaydah (pictured).

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During today’s White House Press Conference, Bushey press Secretary Dana Perino was asked, “Has the President teased you about the Cuban Missile Crisis at all?” This question erroneously presumes that Bush has a fucking clue what the Crisis was, but anyway, the White Rose of Poisony Ice Death responded, “No. It was a humorous show and I was exaggerating. Tell your host of your late-night show that.” Well I don’t have a late-night show or a host for it, but will do, Perino (Pareene-oh?).

Oh, also — she said waterboarding is legal. MORE »

WARNING:Wonkette takes no responsibility for personal injuries the viewer inflicts upon him or her self after watching this video. Readers are recommended to keep all guns, knives, razors, nooses and other methods of suicide at a distance; when the chairman of the Iowa Federation of College Republican, Benjamin Johnson, speaks his first line — “I don’t know why every student isn’t as politically active as I am” — self-torture is unavoidably the first recourse. Wonkette, for example, had a fork next to itself while watching this video, and now that fork is in Wonkette’s eye.

UIowa College Republican Answers the Conservative Calling [YouTube via BlogActive/HuffPo]

You’d think Donald Rumsfeld would know better than to go to the land of rabid Jerry Lewis fans, striped boating shirt aficionados and melty cheeses, but oh, no! He probably thought, “It’s Sarkozy’s town, now,” and, therefore, he’d be greeted as a liberator. Well, not exactly:

Former US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s jaunt to France was interrupted today by an unscheduled itinerary item — he was slapped with a criminal complaint charging him with torture.

Rumsfeld, in Paris for a discussion sponsored by the magazine Foreign Policy, was tracked down by representatives of a coalition of international human rights groups, who informed the architect of the US invasion of Iraq that they had submitted a torture suit against him in French court.

The filed documents allege that during his tenure, the former defense secretary “ordered and authorized” torture of detainees at both the American-run Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq and the US military’s detainment facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

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