Today is “Liberal Day” in the executive branch — it comes but once a year! — what with the release of the 2004 CIA inspector general report on all of the death it caused, as well as Eric Holder’s decision to appoint a prosecutor to investigate, uh, something, to some extent, with regards to the CIA. You know where they’re upset about these two things? At the CIA! Specifically, longtime Washington operative Leon Panetta — he is upset. He has been cursing at Obama and whining about stuff for months, and will probably quit soon. MORE »

Hmm, here is a possible scoop from your Department of Rumor, Speculation, and Innuendo: a CIA supervisor just back from Baghdad was reportedly hanging out at a bar in Camp Peary, Virginia, where he got super loaded and started talking crazy talk about putting fire ants on some Al Qaeda guy’s head to “break him.” MORE »

Which island paradise will this “lucky ducky” get to retire to, now that a judge has issued a ruling — with exclamation points! (!!!) — demanding that he be released? Abd al Rahim Abdul Rassak was captured by US forces in 2002 and held at Guantanamo for years, even though before he went to Guanatanamo he was held and tortured by the Taliban and Al Qaeda. Obviously, American authorities were concerned that he was still loyal to Al Qaeda because you never forget your first captor. MORE »

• Hey! Have you heard about hydrogen barackside, the disinfectant that “kills capitalism on contact?” Ha Ha. It kills capitalism on contact. Not to be confused with the soothing effect of crack mccaine, which “makes sucking that dick so worth it.” [RedState]
• During these troubled times, Marine Snipers need to learn how to resist torture, just in case they’re captured by the Americans. That’s why David Blaine runs a special summer camp where he locks soldiers in concrete footlockers until their legs turn to linguine or has them stand on a 100-foot pole for 35 hours in lousy weather. Some critics say David Blaine expects too much from his campers, but really it’s for their own good. [Andrew Sullivan]
• Desmond Tutu is very excited that Barack Obama is a black man, because this Halloween he won’t have to buy a fancy mask like last year when he went trick-or-treating as Ross Perot. [HuffPost]
• Do you perchance recall comedic genius and rightful heir to the Fox and Friends throne, Peter Doocy? You know, the chap who theorized Hillary Clinton was “hitting the sauce” and then invited John McCain over for strippers and Jello shots back at his dorm room? Well, prepare yourself for: P. Doocy, Fox News General Assignment Reporter, and you can bet your bottom he’s going to report on all the General Issues the Liberal Media ignores, like whether Hillary Clinton is still a virgin and if she showers in the morning or at night or not at all! [Think Progress]

Gay-for-each-other fecal demons Joe Lieberman and Lindsey Graham are being suuuuuuchhh baaaaabieeesss now that the few decent law-abiding and moral Democrats in the House have promised not to approve any spending bill that would send the sneaky Lieberman-Graham Amendment to the White House, which of course loves it. If you haven’t been following, the “Detainee Photographic Records Protection Act of 2009″ amendment allows the president to legally ignore any court-mandated Freedom of Information Act release of “any photograph that was taken between September 11, 2001 and January 22, 2009 relating to the treatment of individuals engaged, captured, or detained after September 11, 2001, by the Armed Forces of the United States in operations outside of the United States.” NO BUT REALLY. And now Lindsey Graham and Joe Lieberman are threatening to shut the Senate down until this comically fascistic fart-nugget of an amendment saves America. MORE »

Hmm, could this possibly be true? Could that Chicago radio jackass have not undergone a Spiritual Conversion regarding torture after having a stream of water gently poured on his half-covered face for a few seconds? Gawker has salacious details in the form of emails from the guy’s publicist suggesting that this was all “a hoax.” MORE »

A right-wing radio loudmouth in Chicago named “Erich ‘Mancow’ Muller” (hey Chicago readers: explain) thought that the “waterboarding is torture” argument was just a bunch of MoveOn.org poppycock and, as many drink-soaked former Trotskyite popinjays have done before him, submitted himself to the process to prove it — and this time, live on his show. Ha ha ha. Whoops! MORE »

We have scanned the YouTubes for the snarliest of snarly Dick Cheney quotes this morning, because THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO COVER TODAY, ugh, and decided this part was better than the ones in which he insults the New York Times and the United States Senate and the “left-wing of the president’s party” and whatever else. Cheney argues that these LEGAL DEBATES are making America look like fags to the Terrorists, so we need to stop it with the “distractions,” which do not include mean old Dick Cheney going on the teevee every day, bitching about how Obama won’t release certain documents he needs to spice up his memoirs. [YouTube]

If there’s two things our president loves, it’s detention camps and torture. So, obviously, he just used the whole “I will shut down that terrible den of Cuban shame” line to get into office, knowing that once he got in he would stop at nothing to open a thousand Guantanamos all over the Atlantic. We hear this speech he’s about to give, allegedly “explaining” his recent “decisions,” is really going to be one of these namby-pamby “on the one hand, but on the other hand” type deals that he loves so much. Let’s WATCH and LEARN. MORE »

Monster-Emperor of Targeted Polls and Hillary Clinton’s personal Iago, Mark Penn, went on the Morning Joe program today because his important book from 90 years ago, Microtrends, is now in paperback. Hooray! (And if you blog about it, you win ten million dollars!) MORE »

CIA DIRECTOR TELLS PELOSI, C’MON, STFU: Nancy Pelosi accused the CIA yesterday of lying over what it claims to have told Senate leaders in a 2002 briefing on “enhanced interrogation techniques,” and today the CIA Director, arbitrary Bill Clinton political operative Leon Panetta, responded that no, the CIA did not lie. There is a MAJOR SCANDAL here: various high-profile political figures are making efforts to defend either themselves or their institutions! [NYT]