Tag Archives: torture

  back in the addled again

Liz Cheney Works Hard, Earns All The Pinocchios Her Very First Day Back At Fox

Failed “Wyoming” Senatorial candidate Liz Cheney has triumphantly returned to her previous job as a Fox News contributor, proving that government assistance to the unemployed is not needed when you’re a friend of the conservative mediaplex. After a spectacularly unsuccessful challenge to incumbent Sen. Mike Enzi, Cheney ended her campaign in January, citing unspecified “serious health issues” in her family. We hope her re-emergence on cable TV means that whoever/whatever that was has gotten much better. Wonder if her sister is talking to her yet? Read more on Liz Cheney Works Hard, Earns All The Pinocchios Her Very First Day Back At Fox…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart On The Bush Torture Program: Cheney Lies, Rumsfeld Denies, Bush Makes Pretty Pictures

Here’s Jon Stewart with a discussion of the Senate’s report on the CIA’s “super-aggressive terrorist suspect spa treatments.” Hope he doesn’t get too emotional! Best line (we love spoilers), in response to Dianne Feinstein’s “This is not what Americans do”: Read more on Jon Stewart On The Bush Torture Program: Cheney Lies, Rumsfeld Denies, Bush Makes Pretty Pictures…
  you know how bad girls get

Big Manly Former CIA Chief Mansplains: Sen. Dianne Feinstein Too ‘Emotional’ About Torture

Former CIA Director Michael Hayden said on Fox News Sunday, on Fox News, on Sunday, that in advocating the public release of the Senate Intelligence Committee’s report on torture, Sen. Dianne Feinstein may have been too “emotional,” and maybe even hysterical, because who knows with ladies, right? Sometimes they just fly off the handle instead of being logical and dispassionate about a topic like torturing human beings. Read more on Big Manly Former CIA Chief Mansplains: Sen. Dianne Feinstein Too ‘Emotional’ About Torture…
  most faculty chairs aren't electrified

Torture Memo Guy Alberto Gonzales To Waterboard Students As Law School Dean

Hey, remember that Alberto Gonzales guy? Not the baseball player, the guy who was Skippy Bush’s White House Counsel and then later the Attorney General — had kind of a habit of firing U.S. Attorneys that weren’t friendly enough to the Bush Administration, and of course he was kind of big on torture, because it would save America from terrorism? Well, he’s about to get what he deserves: not a jail term, silly, he’s been named the new Dean of the Law School at Belmont University in Nashville, Tennessee! So the guy who helped give George W. Bush a legal rationale for torturing detainees is going to be in charge of preparing America’s next generation of lawyers. Kind of makes you feel good about the future, doesn’t it? Read more on Torture Memo Guy Alberto Gonzales To Waterboard Students As Law School Dean…
  self-licking ice cream cones

Don’t Be Silly, CIA Couldn’t Have Spied On Congress! It’s Against The Law!

Something weird happened when we learned that the CIA was probably spying on a Congressional committee tasked with investigating CIA abuses, including allegations of torture — you know, like beyond all the torture we already knew about. We are outraged, of course, but our outrage doesn’t feel like it used to. All we feel is a strange sensation at the base of our skull, like a little man yelling “Hey! This is disgraceful! Face redden! Vein pop! Stomach knot, form of pretzel!” But none of that is happening. Maybe that’s because we have heard this joke before, and the punchline is “a slap on the wrist, and everyone forgets.” We’d tell you the setup, but it’s classified. Read more on Don’t Be Silly, CIA Couldn’t Have Spied On Congress! It’s Against The Law!…
  thanks obama!

Top Secret FBI Interrogation Manual Somehow Ended Up In Library Of Congress — And It’s A Cookbook!

Our oopsie of the day comes to us courtesy of Nick Baumann at Mother Jones, who brings us this story of an FBI agent who thought it would be a good idea to submit a copy of a secret interrogation manual to the U.S. Copyright Office — which means it ended up in the Library of Congress, unredacted and available to anyone who wants to see it. And that’s just the biggest of the craptacular snafus in the way the document was handled. These stories of multiple bureaucratic screw-ups gladden our hearts and make us unaccountably happy — it’s somehow reassuringly humanizing to know that the top spies lock their keys in the car now and then, too. Just as long as nobody does that while handling nerve gas, at least. Read more on Top Secret FBI Interrogation Manual Somehow Ended Up In Library Of Congress — And It’s A Cookbook!…
  eli's ok but bradley has more interceptions

Fine, Here Is Your Wonkpinion On The Bradley Manning Verdict

An Army judge has found Private First Class Bradley Manning guilty on most charges relating to espionage, in his release of classified information to Wikileaks. Manning was found not guilty on the biggest charge, “aiding the enemy,” which could have put him in prison for life without parole. It’s probably about the best he could have hoped for, considering the number of highly placed people who really want someone, anyone, executed for treason, please. A thoroughly unscientific sampling of opinion in the Wonkette Editorial Chatcave went something like this when the news of the guilty verdicts came down: Read more on Fine, Here Is Your Wonkpinion On The Bradley Manning Verdict…
  not far enough from the tree

Liz Cheney Will Waterboard Wyoming Until It Makes Her Senator

Since Fox News does not (yet) have representation in the United States Senate, torture fan Liz Cheney announced Tuesday afternoon that she is willing to let the state of Wyoming elect her in 2014, especially now that she owns a house there and everything. We now find ourselves in the curious position of kind of half-heartedly rooting for Mike Enzi, the conservative three-term senator whom Cheney will face in a primary next year, unless her dad taught her to do that thing where she holds her hand out in front of her and Enzi’s windpipe just collapses and she says she finds his lack of faith disturbing. That could happen, too. Read more on Liz Cheney Will Waterboard Wyoming Until It Makes Her Senator…
  hobgoblin of little minds

Somewhat Sort Of Semi Nice-Time: FBI Nominee Comey Condemns That Waterboarding He Authorized A While Back

James Comey, Barack Obama’s nominee for Director of the FBI, testified Tuesday that he believes whistle-blowers are a necessary part of democracy. Appearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Comey said that “whistle-blowers are also a critical element of a functioning democracy. Folks have to feel free to raise their concerns, and if they are not addressed up their chain-of-command, to take them to an appropriate place.” Comey also said that he thinks retaliation against whistle-blowers is “unacceptable,” at which point several thousand bloggers yelled, “Dude, did you even notice whose administration you want a job in?” Unperturbed by the karmic outburst, Comey went on to condemn waterboarding as torture, saying he had opposed it while serving in the Bush administration (although he also signed a 2005 memo that allowed it and other harsh interrogation techniques that he says he opposed). So hey, two morally conflicted cheers for James Comey! Read more on Somewhat Sort Of Semi Nice-Time: FBI Nominee Comey Condemns That Waterboarding He Authorized A While Back…
  We must destroy this country in order to save it

America Celebrates Decade Of Wedded Bliss To Iraq By Going Broke, Linking Petraeus To Torture

This month marks the ten-year anniversary of the invasion of Iraq and Operation YARRRGHHHH FREEDOM LIBERATORS DERPDERPDERP. Do you remember where you were when you first heard our brave troops had crossed the border in their insufficiently armored vehicles? We were in a cubicle in Burbank, CA, reading CNN and facepalming, but as much as we hate to remember that cubicle and the job that went with it, we recognize there were much, much more dangerous places for a young man in his late twenties to be at that moment. But it is okay, because as we know everything worked out for the best for our troops and the Iraqis and their country and Amurca fuck yeah! Right? Read more on America Celebrates Decade Of Wedded Bliss To Iraq By Going Broke, Linking Petraeus To Torture…
  movin' on up

In Bout Of Not-Affirmative Action, GOP To Promote Party’s Lone Remaining Black Representative

Rep. Tim Scott (R-SC), who is the Other Black House Republican Besides Allen West, is your newest Senator from South Carolina, after Jim Demint left to grift money at the Heritage Foundation!  YAY!!! Many people think that Tim Scott is somehow better because he is more moderate than Allen West, which is sort of like a fried Snickers bar being healthier than a fried Twinkie because it is covered in slightly less batter.  Also because, much like a Twinkie, Allen West was defeated and therefore no longer really exists. As it turns out, Tim Scott is fucking crazy, but he has that sexy Michael Jordan head rather than Allen West’s weird graying Kendall Gill flattop, so all is forgiven. Read more on In Bout Of Not-Affirmative Action, GOP To Promote Party’s Lone Remaining Black Representative…
  post September 11 mindset

Creative Legal Thinker John Yoo: Not Deporting Children Is More Unconstitutional Than Crushing Their Balls

In these uncertain times, it is comforting to know some things never change.  Like John Yoo, who you may remember as the author of the Torture Memos during the Bush Administration! Has he had a change of heart about helping the American government justify its use of torture on detainees captured in the course of the War on Terror? Has he finally decided that in fact, it would be illegal to crush a child’s testicles in order to get his father to talk? No, he has not. He has, in fact, turned his attention to more pressing matters, like Obama’s refusal to deport teenagers who came to this country as undocumented children. Do you even KNOW about Hitler? Or Stalin? Because if you do your research, you’ll find that this is the first step along a short path towards authoritarianism, and thank God John Yoo, Torture Memo author, is here to warn us. Read more on Creative Legal Thinker John Yoo: Not Deporting Children Is More Unconstitutional Than Crushing Their Balls…
  he should know

Fuddy-Duddy Bush Lawyer Rains On Romney Middle East Torture Parties

There’s this guy running for president, see, and he keeps yelling about “America” and “freedom” and how noble our pursuits are, and how barbaric and backwards and cruel our enemies are, and how “the values of this great land are those values that make us the greatest nation on earth,” which sounds great, until you get reminded that the guy, Mitt Romney, duh, also wants to scoop up strangers in other countries and torture them because they look kinda shady, as decided by pretty much anybody who feels like it. Freedom isn’t free, you know, and a lot of the time it seems to look like the opposite of freedom actually, but don’t worry, it’s freedom. From the New York Times: “We’ll use enhanced interrogation techniques which go beyond those that are in the military handbook right now,” he said at a news conference in Charleston, S.C., in December. The campaign policy paper does not specify which techniques Mr. Romney should approve, saying more study was needed because Mr. Obama had “permanently damaged” the value of some by releasing memorandums detailing Bush-era techniques in April 2009. Oh, good. Old Thumbscrews is only in favor of secret kinds of torture. Read more on Fuddy-Duddy Bush Lawyer Rains On Romney Middle East Torture Parties…
  pass the popcorn

Romney, Cheney and McCain All Busy Interventioning Each Other Over Impending Presidential Loss

Does your family throw great interventions? Catered, maybe, with a really soothing jazz band noodling in the background to provide that little oomph? Don’t worry, it comes with practice. Soon you’ll have it down to the point where you no longer even need to assign roles like “stop and get the deli platter,” and “don’t forget a nice malbec, maybe.” And what is true for you is true for the GOP (haha, no it isn’t), as they are getting so much practice in with their interventions that soon they’ll be really tops at it too! For now, though, they are still at the stage where they just walk around screaming “INTERVENTION!” at each other and then punching themselves with tire irons, like the Fawcett/O’Neals. But they’ll be Downey Juniors and Sheens in no time, maybe. We can only hope. Read more on Romney, Cheney and McCain All Busy Interventioning Each Other Over Impending Presidential Loss…
  and that's why dick cheney won't go to canada

Apparently You Can Get In Trouble For Helping CIA Run Torture Gulags Now

Father to Morning Joe cohost Mika Zbrezinzszkzy and Poland’s former intelligence chief Zbigniew Siemiatkowski has been charged with violating international law and “unlawfully depriving prisoners of their liberty” by helping the CIA to set up a “black site” Qaeda (and, of course, “Qaeda-accused” and “Qaeda-adjacent”) prison in Poland. This is excellent news for Dick Cheney! Read more on Apparently You Can Get In Trouble For Helping CIA Run Torture Gulags Now…
  mitt's sad secrets

What’s the Mystery Thing In the Painting In the Mitt Romney Portrait?

Your former editor Juli Weiner has an Important Article at Vanity Fair about Mitt Romney’s strange Official Portrait from when he was the socialist governor of Taxachusetts. For all of his money and all of his calculated lust for public life, Romney acts like he was sewn into the wrong body — a characteristic that is perfectly captured by his wooden pose and mannequin stare in this official painting. But what is in the painting within the painting? What is that? Perhaps it’s something that could motivate the wingnut GOP “base.” Read more on What’s the Mystery Thing In the Painting In the Mitt Romney Portrait?…
  coming out parties

Dick Cheney Explains Why He Loves Torture (Because He Is Darth Vader)

Evil zombie Dick Cheney came back from the dead recently to hack up a book, mostly as a courtesy to the hobos pillaging Borders stores across the country, who would otherwise go without the materials needed to kindle their trash can fires. That book is here now, and it is causing “controversy,” for the people who were unaware that Dick Cheney is an evil zombie, despite how many times he admits that he does not have a soul. “There are gonna be heads exploding all over Washington,” is what he said, because everyone who reads this book is basically waterboarding themselves to death. Also, Dick Cheney would like everyone to know that he is Darth Vader, that scary monster from “Star Wars!” Read more on Dick Cheney Explains Why He Loves Torture (Because He Is Darth Vader)…
  justice report

Hero Veteran Gets Court Permission To Sue The Pants Off Donald Rumsfeld

At some point during the Iraq War, the United States decided not only to torture and unlawfully imprison all the furriner brown people it could get its hands on; it also decided to start torturing and unlawfully imprisoning its own citizens as well. Hooray for totalitarianism! During the war, Old Rummy Rum gave one of his most delicious, most favoritest “abduct and probe” orders for an Army translator working with the Marines, who was then held/molested/interrogated for nine months without charge and without being able to contact anyone.  After his release, this man decided he wanted to personally sue the hell out of Donald Rumsfeld for personally overseeing his illegal detention, to which we say, GOOD. Rumsfeld’s extracurricular torture projects, however, are something the roundtable of Nobama Knights feel obliged to defend. Luckily for the dignity of all humanity, one sane judge told the Obama administration to eff off: Read more on Hero Veteran Gets Court Permission To Sue The Pants Off Donald Rumsfeld…
  heart attack aficionados

Dick Cheney Doesn’t Think Obama Lets Detainees Be Questioned At All

In a moment of weakness last week, Dick Cheney, whose human form is still somehow able to emit sulfurous breaths of scorn despite not having a pulse for the better part of a year, said something nice about Barack Obama after the dirty socialist captured and killed Osama bin Laden. But by the time Cheney got to his appearance on Fox News Sunday on Fox News Sunday (it airs Sundays, on Fox News), the gothic torture-loving character from a Tim Burton film was back to his old ways. “It’s not clear to me today if we still have an interrogation program to put someone through,” he said, showing off his classic elder-statesman decorum. Read more on Dick Cheney Doesn’t Think Obama Lets Detainees Be Questioned At All…
  it's morning in america

Florida Governor Desperately Wants To Be Scott Walker, Fails Miserably

Republican governors are deeply envious of union-bustin’ blowhard Scott Walker and all of his delicious campaign Koch-tributions. Especially Florida governor Rick Scott! Sometimes Rick Scott fantasizes about skinning Scott Walker and then making a body suit out of the skin, so that he can have something nice to wear for important occasions (like the Royal Wedding)! That’s how badly Rick Scott wants to be Scott Walker. And Rick Scott has tried — and repeatedly failed — to emulate all of Walker’s union-busting victories: He recently threatened to veto the budget if it didn’t include $2.4 billion in cuts to corporate income taxes and fees. (His malicious threats didn’t end up working, though!) And now there’s this: Rick Scott was unable to pass a bill that would have banned public employee unions from “using automatic payroll deduction to collect dues.” These are not the kinds of results that the Kochs are looking for. Poor Rick Scott. [Miami Herald via McClatchy] Read more on Florida Governor Desperately Wants To Be Scott Walker, Fails Miserably… Read more on Florida Governor Desperately Wants To Be Scott Walker, Fails Miserably…
  war on war

80-Year-Old ‘Pentagon Papers’ Hero Arrested At White House For Protesting U.S Torture of Bradley Manning

While your country was starting another war and also still losing two other wars and also ignoring some of our closer Arab Dictatorship Allies as they massacred their own people, 80-year-old Daniel Ellsberg peacefully protested outside the White House on the eighth (!) anniversary of America’s occupation of Iraq. And he was handcuffed and hauled away by the federal police, because why not? All he ever did was expose the lies of several U.S. administrations regarding another bloody lost cause (our war against the Vietnamese). Back then, of course, the president specifically ordered Ellsberg’s assassination — and then, on second or third paranoid/drunken thought, decided to just expose Ellsberg as a crazy person, by ordering the White House burglary of Ellsberg’s psychiatrist’s office. Good times! Anyway, these days it’s easier for a war president to just ignore everybody and give bland assurances that our various torture operations against citizens and foreigners are all totally cool, above-board and just what we need for Winning the Future: Read more on 80-Year-Old ‘Pentagon Papers’ Hero Arrested At White House For Protesting U.S Torture of Bradley Manning…