Wonkette

John McCain has made a new ad, for some reason. Much like his outer space web video, it features some gravelly voiceover guy and classical music, like a Lexis commercial. Then it shows the standard clip of McCain being tortured — isn’t it odd that they have film of this? — and ends with a fittingly classy line: “John McCain: The American president Americans have been waiting for.” Well what in the hell could that mean about Barack Obama? Figure it out, smart guys. [YouTube]

Everybody knows that Republican Presidential candidate John McCain fought in the Vietnam War and was held in a POW camp until he gained a proper appreciation for the works of Ernest Hemingway. However, shocking new revelations suggest that McCain may have been an arrogant prick to the guy who rescued him after his jet was shot down and delivered him to captors for five years of torture. MORE »

Mitt Romney’s got a big problem! He squandered his family’s wealth on a doomed campaign to be the liberal Mormon president, but he’s got five hungry sons to feed and no identifiable source of income. What to do? In trying times, experts say it’s best to find something you really enjoy, and then think of a way to turn that into a career. Trouble is, Mitt only loves counting money and torturing dogs while driving his car. MORE »

John McCain is pushing hard these days to become the President of Torture. In a new web video, McCain and his Navy buddies talk for four minutes about how he was tortured. And his lovely mother Roberta says that when she learned John was a P.O.W., it was the best news she’d ever heard. After four minutes of TORTURE TORTURE BLOOD PULP TORTURE, the idea is clear: this never happened to Barack Obama at all. Check it out below, you hateful liberal Democrats. MORE »

One brave man had the courage to write in the New York Times this weekend about some of the darkest, most painful days of his life. Days that would make a few waterboardings or even the Full Lieberman seem like child’s play. He was literally cast out upon the waters, trapped on a vessel with only miles of icy Alaskan sea all around, with no respite from the unending torment of Ralph Nader, Richard Dreyfuss, and Katrina vanden Heuvel on what one fellow captive described as “an S.D.S. reunion on the Love Boat.” MORE »

Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman has built a long and distinguished career impersonating that uncle who shows up at family reunions to drink seltzer water and complain about his chillblains. Now he is holding forth on one of his most cherished causes: waterboarding. MORE »

Thanks for the e-mail, WALNUTS!, but do you know this man? This Mike… Mike “Christian”? Like Jesus, he probably doesn’t exist. But if John McCain wants me to vote for Mike Christian as a write-in candidate then sure, why not? That’s the only reason he would bring up Mike Christian’s story in one of his e-mails, correct?

Hey look, it’s one of those days with a guest editor, because the real editor is doing something else! Wonkette’s comic book and foreign affairs correspondent Josh Fruhlinger will be filling in for Ken Layne today. Anything could happen!

A heroic undercover investigation spent weeks determining that “contractors” working for the U.S. government were engaged in systematic mistreatment of detainees. These cruel monsters tormented their captives — many of whom were old and sick — in the name of helping American children. When the shocking video of the torment was released, though, swift government action brought the the un-American practices to an end. At last, there’s justice — for cows! MORE »

The Los Angeles Times knows what led to the CIA’s destruction of those torture tapes! If you’re wondering why you didn’t read about this, it might be because they broke it like late-morning on Monday — the day before Christmas. Hey, smooth move, guys! I’m sure eeeverybody saw it! Next time, you may want to point your team of crack reporters toward a calendar.

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Mike Huckabee continued to spread his subliminal floating Christmas cheer in Iowa today by telling supporters that Guantanamo Bay is one helluva good time. Specifically, it’s “too nice”! And he would know because he’s been there and is now a goddamn expert. Thanks for the news, motherfuckabee! We wouldn’t know, because all of the tapes have been destroyed. MORE »