Tag Archives: torture

  Rectal Infusions Of American Exceptionalism

Fox News Explains America Is The Best, So Who Cares About Torture?

This isn't about democracy, this is about politics. Which Democracy doesn't need.
The nice folks at Fox News are pretty darn angry about the Senate Intelligence Committee’s report on the CIA’s post-9/11 torture program, but not about anything revealed in the report. No, the great patriots at Fox are mostly angry that the report is being released at all, especially at a time when it will distract from the very important appearance of Obamacare Archfiend Jonathan Gruber, who’s testifying before a House panel today. Obviously, the Dems are just trying to cover up the War Crimes of the Affordable Care Act by nattering on about some Muslims who got their feelings hurt. OK, and at least one guy who was a case of mistaken identity died of hypothermia, and two other guys who were tortured even though they had already worked as CIA informants. But they never called the American people stupid, now did they? You see, it’s all about priorities. Let’s see how Fox Fair And Balanced the shit out of the torture report today! Read more on Fox News Explains America Is The Best, So Who Cares About Torture?…
  Obviously a distraction from SomethingElseGhazi

GOP Senators Would Rather Not Talk About Torture, Thanks. Or ‘Torture.’

Still the worst
It sure would be nice if we could put aside our partisan differences for just one half of one second to agree that torturing people — by, for example, raping prisoners with food, or, for another example, killing them — is bad and wrong, and we shouldn’t do that. But yeah, sure, right, whatEVER. This is America, where the one and only time we can agree on anything at all is that Nazis suck. Read more on GOP Senators Would Rather Not Talk About Torture, Thanks. Or ‘Torture.’…
  What Part Of 'Don't Torture' Is So Hard To Get?

Does John McCain Really Have To Remind You About Torture Again, You A**holes?

Not a good day to be John McCain
We are, on the whole, not huge fans of John McCain here at Yr Wonkette. There’s the angry mood swings — mostly from one variety of anger to another; the petulance; the desire to bomb America’s way to greatness again; and of course the fact that he inflicted that vice-presidential candidate of his on America. But for all that, we’ll also give him credit for having always been solid on why America shouldn’t use torture: not only does it not work, it’s just plain un-American. If there’s one thing he actually earned from those FIVE AND A HALF YEARS ALAN, it’s credibility on the topic of torture. Read more on Does John McCain Really Have To Remind You About Torture Again, You A**holes?…
  tortured logic

Dick Cheney Gives Torture Five Stars, Would Torture Again

Is this image hyperbolic? It might be a little hyperbolic.
The Senate Intelligence Committee released its much-anticipated report on the Bush administration’s CIA torture program today, and it’s a pretty big deal. If we’re to believe Fox News, it might be as inflammatory as that “Innocence of Muslims” video that sparked riots all over the Muslim world, except not in Benghazi. Read more on Dick Cheney Gives Torture Five Stars, Would Torture Again…
  Another Beneficiary Of Wingnut Welfare

Allen West To Head Up ‘Think’ Tank. Stop Laughing, You Guys, It’s Not Funny.

Finally a place for his talents
Congratulations to disgraced torturer ex-Rep. Allen West on finding a jerb! (We were going to say “honest work,” but this is Allen West we’re talking about, after all.) According to a big ol’ press release, come Jan. 2, 2015, the former disgraced colonel and former one-term congressman will become CEO of the “National Center for Policy Analysis,” a Dallas-based think tank that shills for the oil and insurance industries and thinks that global warming is a big conspiracy. And yes, it probably gets money from Koch Industries, too. Read more on Allen West To Head Up ‘Think’ Tank. Stop Laughing, You Guys, It’s Not Funny….
  loyalty oaf

Torture Hero Allen West Just Asking If Legless Vet Congresswoman Tammy Duckworth Is ‘Loyal’ Is All

American torture hero and semiemployed former congressjerk Allen West is very, very concerned about this “Tammy Duckworth” person having agreed to be on the Big BenghaziPalooza Special Committee, because how can Americans be sure she actually loves America, and is not some kind of legless traitor like Max Cleland? Read more on Torture Hero Allen West Just Asking If Legless Vet Congresswoman Tammy Duckworth Is ‘Loyal’ Is All…
  baptism of ire

Sarah Palin Will Waterboard All The Muslims For Jesus

Here’s conceptual artist Sarah Palin at the NRA convention Saturday, explaining how she would win the war on terror by simultaneously ignoring both the First and the Eighth Amendments: They obviously have information on plots to carry out Jihad. Oh, but you can’t offend them, can’t make them feel uncomfortable, not even a smidgen. Well, if I were in charge, they would know that waterboarding is how we baptize terrorists. We’re not sure what the most hilarious part of this line is — the desire to live out Ann Coulter’s dream of victory through forced conversion, the mistaken belief that torture gets reliable intelligence, or the very notion that Sarah Palin will ever be in charge of anything but a third-rate cable TV show. Read more on Sarah Palin Will Waterboard All The Muslims For Jesus…
  Enhanced Parenting Techniques

Heartwarming Viral Video Presents Motherhood As CIA Torture. Yay Moms.

Have you seen that ADORABLE ad, about how moms are unpaid slaves and what kind of idiot would take a job as one? Here, watch all 14 hours because apparently Ghost Andy Warhol is making greeting card viral videos now. (My mom: “I watched ‘Empire’ in the theater. It was WONDERFUL.” My mom is a liar.) Read more on Heartwarming Viral Video Presents Motherhood As CIA Torture. Yay Moms….
  back in the addled again

Liz Cheney Works Hard, Earns All The Pinocchios Her Very First Day Back At Fox

Failed “Wyoming” Senatorial candidate Liz Cheney has triumphantly returned to her previous job as a Fox News contributor, proving that government assistance to the unemployed is not needed when you’re a friend of the conservative mediaplex. After a spectacularly unsuccessful challenge to incumbent Sen. Mike Enzi, Cheney ended her campaign in January, citing unspecified “serious health issues” in her family. We hope her re-emergence on cable TV means that whoever/whatever that was has gotten much better. Wonder if her sister is talking to her yet? Read more on Liz Cheney Works Hard, Earns All The Pinocchios Her Very First Day Back At Fox…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart On The Bush Torture Program: Cheney Lies, Rumsfeld Denies, Bush Makes Pretty Pictures

Here’s Jon Stewart with a discussion of the Senate’s report on the CIA’s “super-aggressive terrorist suspect spa treatments.” Hope he doesn’t get too emotional! Best line (we love spoilers), in response to Dianne Feinstein’s “This is not what Americans do”: Read more on Jon Stewart On The Bush Torture Program: Cheney Lies, Rumsfeld Denies, Bush Makes Pretty Pictures…
  you know how bad girls get

Big Manly Former CIA Chief Mansplains: Sen. Dianne Feinstein Too ‘Emotional’ About Torture

Former CIA Director Michael Hayden said on Fox News Sunday, on Fox News, on Sunday, that in advocating the public release of the Senate Intelligence Committee’s report on torture, Sen. Dianne Feinstein may have been too “emotional,” and maybe even hysterical, because who knows with ladies, right? Sometimes they just fly off the handle instead of being logical and dispassionate about a topic like torturing human beings. Read more on Big Manly Former CIA Chief Mansplains: Sen. Dianne Feinstein Too ‘Emotional’ About Torture…
  most faculty chairs aren't electrified

Torture Memo Guy Alberto Gonzales To Waterboard Students As Law School Dean

Hey, remember that Alberto Gonzales guy? Not the baseball player, the guy who was Skippy Bush’s White House Counsel and then later the Attorney General — had kind of a habit of firing U.S. Attorneys that weren’t friendly enough to the Bush Administration, and of course he was kind of big on torture, because it would save America from terrorism? Well, he’s about to get what he deserves: not a jail term, silly, he’s been named the new Dean of the Law School at Belmont University in Nashville, Tennessee! So the guy who helped give George W. Bush a legal rationale for torturing detainees is going to be in charge of preparing America’s next generation of lawyers. Kind of makes you feel good about the future, doesn’t it? Read more on Torture Memo Guy Alberto Gonzales To Waterboard Students As Law School Dean…
  self-licking ice cream cones

Don’t Be Silly, CIA Couldn’t Have Spied On Congress! It’s Against The Law!

Something weird happened when we learned that the CIA was probably spying on a Congressional committee tasked with investigating CIA abuses, including allegations of torture — you know, like beyond all the torture we already knew about. We are outraged, of course, but our outrage doesn’t feel like it used to. All we feel is a strange sensation at the base of our skull, like a little man yelling “Hey! This is disgraceful! Face redden! Vein pop! Stomach knot, form of pretzel!” But none of that is happening. Maybe that’s because we have heard this joke before, and the punchline is “a slap on the wrist, and everyone forgets.” We’d tell you the setup, but it’s classified. Read more on Don’t Be Silly, CIA Couldn’t Have Spied On Congress! It’s Against The Law!…
  thanks obama!

Top Secret FBI Interrogation Manual Somehow Ended Up In Library Of Congress — And It’s A Cookbook!

Our oopsie of the day comes to us courtesy of Nick Baumann at Mother Jones, who brings us this story of an FBI agent who thought it would be a good idea to submit a copy of a secret interrogation manual to the U.S. Copyright Office — which means it ended up in the Library of Congress, unredacted and available to anyone who wants to see it. And that’s just the biggest of the craptacular snafus in the way the document was handled. These stories of multiple bureaucratic screw-ups gladden our hearts and make us unaccountably happy — it’s somehow reassuringly humanizing to know that the top spies lock their keys in the car now and then, too. Just as long as nobody does that while handling nerve gas, at least. Read more on Top Secret FBI Interrogation Manual Somehow Ended Up In Library Of Congress — And It’s A Cookbook!…
  eli's ok but bradley has more interceptions

Fine, Here Is Your Wonkpinion On The Bradley Manning Verdict

An Army judge has found Private First Class Bradley Manning guilty on most charges relating to espionage, in his release of classified information to Wikileaks. Manning was found not guilty on the biggest charge, “aiding the enemy,” which could have put him in prison for life without parole. It’s probably about the best he could have hoped for, considering the number of highly placed people who really want someone, anyone, executed for treason, please. A thoroughly unscientific sampling of opinion in the Wonkette Editorial Chatcave went something like this when the news of the guilty verdicts came down: Read more on Fine, Here Is Your Wonkpinion On The Bradley Manning Verdict…
  not far enough from the tree

Liz Cheney Will Waterboard Wyoming Until It Makes Her Senator

Since Fox News does not (yet) have representation in the United States Senate, torture fan Liz Cheney announced Tuesday afternoon that she is willing to let the state of Wyoming elect her in 2014, especially now that she owns a house there and everything. We now find ourselves in the curious position of kind of half-heartedly rooting for Mike Enzi, the conservative three-term senator whom Cheney will face in a primary next year, unless her dad taught her to do that thing where she holds her hand out in front of her and Enzi’s windpipe just collapses and she says she finds his lack of faith disturbing. That could happen, too. Read more on Liz Cheney Will Waterboard Wyoming Until It Makes Her Senator…