Wonkette

At first this might look like the Formula One guy’s kinky Nazi S&M hooker orgy, but no, it’s just Christopher Hitchens getting waterboarded while terrible spin-class techno music plays in the background. We look forward to the tasering video next. [Vanity Fair]

Meet local Democratic leader Joy Johnson, of Durham, N.C. — she’s (allegedly) a crazy Satanist! Johnson and her younger husband, Joseph Craig, have been charged with a variety of rape and torture and kidnapping crimes, all because of “a satanic ritual that got out of hand.” MORE »

Tran Trong Duyet is a Vietnamese retiree and “amateur ballroom dancer.” He’s one of those foreign folks that the Western press describes with such words as “sprightly,” like when, say, Barbara Walters interviews the Dalai Lama and calls him “cute” or “adorable.” Ha ha, wacky old Asian men! You just want to fold them into a sparkly lunchbox and take them home as a present for your kitty cat. But in Duyet’s case, he would proceed to beat the shit out of your cat, which is what he did to John McCain as head of the Hoa Lo prison — the “Hanoi Hilton” — during WALNUTS!’ famous Captivity. Let’s see what cute things he has to say! MORE »

Some dingbat state Republican leader says John McCain is “kind of like Jesus.” Because they were both born 2,000 years ago? No! It’s because, according to Georgia Republican Party chairwoman Sue Everhart, John McCain never denounced the United States when he was a war prisoner — just like Christ, when he was in ‘Nam. Ha ha, but McCain did denounce the United States. Explore the idiocy, after the jump. MORE »

Look, we speak Bitterese: Hilry done gone inna West Virginnie done won it ‘gainst the colored man. Colored man naw gon win no West Virginnie, haw haw, yeeeeesh siree. Done hear Hillary lost big ‘lection already, but we ain’t ne’er votin’ no Mooslim terror-starter inna our WHITE House. Don’t make none sense like, but I guess not much do these a’days. MORE »

As long as you’re on John McCain’s side — you know, as long as you’re either a journalist or a lobbyist — the old man will charm you with stories of his dirty deeds, and he’ll crudely insult the president’s daughter, and eat your donuts. But for the people who actually have to work with the elderly opportunist in, say, the Senate, John McCain is a furious stupid monster. Let’s review the latest “McCain’s a dangerous old psychopath” story, from Sunday’s Washington Post. MORE »

Veteran Condiwatchers thought the ridiculous vice presidential rumors were over and done with, but oh no, there was to be one final, glorious flare-up last week to finally burn them to cinders. What else has America’s Princess Diplomat been up to for the last seven days? Well, it all involves paperweights, cutesy baseball references, Jimmy Carter, and torture! Yay! Find out all about it after the jump.

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Former undersecretary of defense for policy Douglas Feith — the fucking stupidest guy on the face of the earth — is prominently featured in a new Vanity Fair feature about all the lying he, Donald Rumsfeld, John Yoo, David Addington, and Jim Haynes translated into sketchy (at best) legalese in order to torture other humans. In reference to the administration’s decision to disregard the Geneva Conventions for prisoners of Guantanamo Bay, Ol’ Dougy clearly has mixed feelings about it! And by mixed we mean not that at all: “‘This was something I played a major role in,’ he began, in a tone of evident pride.” It gets… it just gets so much worse. Guy’s a real hoot. MORE »

Let’s transcribe an arbitrary 20-or-so seconds from this new WALNUTS! web video, which coincides with day four of his “Service to America” tour: “But their strongest loyalty, the bond that cannot break, is to the cause that is theirs alone: each other. It is through loyalty to comrades-in-arms, that they begin to understand that to love one’s country is to love one’s countrymen, and to serve the national ideal that commenced their personal transformation. When war is over, they might have the largest, but not exclusive, claim on the success of their nation’s cause and seldom share in the blame for its failure. But their claim is shorn of all romance, all nostalgia for the suffering with which is was won. From that crucible…” Jesus Christ, who wrote this, Thomas Jefferson on cough syrup? [YouTube]

U.S. President George W. Bush has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for “fighting terrorism and promoting world peace,” according to a BBC News report. Bush has successfully promoted peace and democracy in many terrorist nations, including Iraq and Afghanistan, while making Americans safer and more prosperous at home. MORE »