Unless you are “really into Jesus,” you will be celebrating the annual pagan bacchanal Hell-o-ween in just three days! We hear that “Mother-daugher slutty nurse combo paxxx” have been selling out at all drug stores nationwide, so what should you wear instead? How about a “political costume,” since you all love politics so much. You can be a famous politician like Joe Lieberman (with a knife in the back of the skull, for a nice touch?), or you can go as a concept, like, “Death Panels.” (Or just dress as nothing and watch teevee all night, who gives a shit?) But if you do have a “political costume” this year, please send us your sexy photos through the rest of the week, and we will convert them into easy posts and give you “iPhones.” TIPS@WONKETTE.COM.

Meet Roland Corning! Roland Corning, a 65-year-old married man, likes two things: 1. being an assistant district attorney in South Carolina and 2. filling his Ford Explorer with sex medicine and sex toys and 18-year-old prostitutes (for sex) and taking all these things to the local cemetery on Monday afternoons (for sex). This is illegal, all of it, well all of the second part. Except when a South Carolina policeman stopped Corning outside of his ad hoc graveyard pleasure den, he did not charge him with any crime after Corning identified himself as the Roland Corning, assistant district attorney and celebrated tombside rake. MORE »

Mark Sanford reviewed Ayn Rand (like as a human?) for Newsweek. This is a thing that happened! Anyway, Mark Sanford really did not think this whole thing out, publishing his close reading masterwork in Newsweek, as this essay has all the makings of a winner of The Ayn Rand Institute’s annual 8th to 10th grade Anthem essay contest! Grand prize = $85,000, and plus your name and high school gets posted on the Ayn Rand fansite, which will become hilarious for your friends by 11th grade at the very latest. Anyway, see if you can tell which conjectures came from Mark Sanford’s Newsweek essay and which came from the 2009 Anthem contest winner from “Mariemont High School, Cincinnati, OH, USA.” As always, grand prize is an “iPhone,” except the “i” is capitalized and shit because RIGHTS OF THE INDIVIDUAL SDLFJSLDK. MORE »

In today’s edition of “Things That Are Impossible To Overstate, According To The News Media,” we return to that years-old question of whether Barack Obama either modestly dislikes women, or hates every single woman’s fucking guts. This was a hot topic last year when Barack Obama defeated a woman in a presidential primary, a heinous display of chauvinism. Why not crap on Susan B. Anthony’s grave and punch Lucretia Mott in the boob, while you’re at it? And now Obama has done something far worse: played various sports with coteries of men, instead of women. This is the very definition of being “pro-life.” MORE »

Are you all geared up for the upcoming State Policy Network (SPN) Annual Meeting in Asheville, North Carolina? Bro come on! The SPN is a network of wingnut think tanks and organizations throughout the country that helps “advance a free society by providing leadership development, management training and networking opportunities for think tank professionals and by promoting strategic partnerships among market-oriented organizations.” STRATEGY, MARKETS, NETWORKS, TRAINING, LEADERSHIP, MANAGEMENT, CUM, COCKS, DOLLA DOLLA BILLS. If you are that particular flavor of “douche” that specializes in lacking self-awareness, you belong to the SPN! Let’s see what rad parties some of the SPN members will be throwing during their annual meeting… oh look, a Toga Party! Hilarious forwarded invite, below. MORE »

FUCK YEAH GET AMP’D! BUSINESS! MAKING BILLS, A FORM OF AMERICAN CURRENCY! MORE »

Perhaps the least hilarious of the hilarious things Michael Steele said in his interview with Univision was that the American health care system doesn’t need comprehensive reform — just a little “elbow grease.” Yes! Save the corrupt Medicare by passing a bill that bans prevents any aspect of Medicare from ever changing. These things, and more. But what did he have to say about the race card? MORE »

A Republican candidate for Georgia governor in 2010, John Oxendine, e-mailed political reporters about some epic YouPorn thing he had just shot, one that would destroy the Democratic candidate, former governor Roy Barnes, politically: “A campaign spokesman said the ad ‘demonstrates John Oxendine’s commitment to using innovative, cutting-edge genre to communicate serious messages in creative mediums.” He would reveal this monumental achievement at an event later Thursday night, according to the press release, “at an undisclosed laser-tag facility … closed to the public. After viewing the commercial, the volunteers will enjoy pizza and laser-tag.” Oh, we’re so making you click the clicky for this one… MORE »

The best aspect of the newly redesigned Republican Party website — aside from that amazing “What up?” thing — is the ability to refresh and refresh and refresh the homepage, for hours, to see all of the “GOP Faces” in circulation in the upper left corner, between the “G” and the “P,” where, what, a “Y” is supposed to go? But it’s just some random person’s head instead? Well your editors Jim and Juli have seen most or all of the “GOP Faces,” and analyzed them. Click the clicky to meet the members of what must be some secret “other” Republican Party in an alternate dimension, what with the youth and the diversity and the albino. MORE »

It is Hell-o-ween come early, children. Gather ’round, for Dame Peggington Noonington, chief word-writer for the notable Wall Street Journal banking pamphlet, hath composed a Second Weekly Article, doubleth her normal output. She worketh harder than most humans. It is her Duty and she shall performeth it, in times of national crisis, such as it was Friday. That was when disastrous monster Barack Obama accepted his Nobel Peace Prize, from the communists! Peggington heard this news item on her radio machine, Ate nine pills, and typed — for Madame was furious at this, “this wicked and ignorant award, this mischievous honor.” MORE »

Well how about this! Jacksonville artist David Durrett sends this “real painting” (super-sized) to your Wonkette and writes, “I love Wonkette, and was inspired to do an acrylic response to the Jesus painting yesterday! Hope you like it!!” Yes it is very nice! Maybe Obama can steal this one too, for his house. Also, we’re awarding first-time commenter Shortpacked with an “iPhone” for his take, which was quite a hit yesterday, in the comments. What have the rest of you slobs done lately? [Yes You Canvas, Shortpacked]