Tag Archives: top

  he's sorry if any of you crazy bitches took offense

On Behalf Of Fellow Women Everywhere, John McCain Accepts Richard Mourdock’s Rapebortion ‘Apology’

Richard Mourdock has “apologized” (no he hasn’t) for saying rape is Jesus’s special way of giving you something productive to do for the next 18 years instead of whoring around on Saturday nights like common trollops, and on behalf of us all, John McCain has graciously accepted his “apology”! So it’s cool you guys, John McCain says it’s cool. Ladies, put down your bras and pitchforks and go back to crowing over the corpse of your mortal enemy CNN. But is there anything … odd … about this “apology” and McCain’s acceptance of it on behalf of us all? Well why on earth would you think that? Read more on On Behalf Of Fellow Women Everywhere, John McCain Accepts Richard Mourdock’s Rapebortion ‘Apology’…
  it's not racist if other white people say it

Sarah Palin Will No Longer Be Racist As Soon As She Understands What Racism Is

Hey, so after Arctic griftbull Sarah Palin was balls-out racist yesterday, saying Blackrack Obama was committing a “shuck and jive” against white people, she took to Facebook to pen a response to her awful critics. Well, not “pen,” someone else wrote it for her. Someone white. For the record, there was nothing remotely racist in my use of the phrase “shuck and jive” – a phrase which many people have used, including Chris Matthews, Andrew Cuomo, and White House Press Secretary Jay Carney to name a few off the top of my head. In fact, Andrew Cuomo also used the phrase in reference to Barack Obama, and the fact that Mr. Cuomo and I used the phrase in relation to President Obama signifies nothing out of the ordinary. Actually, when Cuomo said “You can’t shuck and jive at a press conference. All those moves you can make with the press don’t work when you’re in someone’s living room,” it was racist. This has been your moment of blacksplanation. Read more on Sarah Palin Will No Longer Be Racist As Soon As She Understands What Racism Is…
  you just got trumped

October 24, 2012: The Day Trump Changed Everything (LIVEBLOG)

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, puppies and kittens: we are a mere twenty minutes away from Donald Trump changing everything by revealing something incredibly stupid and probably racist about Barack Obama. He will be doing this via Facebook and Twitter, so we, of course, are going to liveblog whatever Donald Trump is releasing in character-limited fashion. This could potentially change the election! Or get Donald Trump another ten minutes of TV time on Fox & Friends tomorrow. What do you think the surprise is? We will keep you updated with up-to-the-second baseless speculation on when Donald Trump with reserve his place in Hell, which within ten years will have a shoddily built Trump hotel in it. Read more on October 24, 2012: The Day Trump Changed Everything (LIVEBLOG)…
  people who supposedly want to be senator

GOP Candidate Richard Mourdock: Why Can’t Dames Understand That Rape-Babies Are God’s Precious Gift?

Hey, you know what’s tricky? Putting together a coherent philosophical system that reconciles belief in an omnipotent but also loving God with indisputable evidence that bad things happen to good people. And it can be frustrating when you’re running for Senate and someone at a debate tries to trip you up with a “gotcha” question that forces you into philosophical weeds that have baffled great thinkers for millennia. You know what’s even trickier and more frustrating, though? Getting raped and then getting pregnant as a result of getting raped! You know what’s not tricky at all? The decision of, “Hmm, will saying that your rape-baby is a part of God’s plan be good for my election campaign, or bad for it?” The correct answer is: bad. Do not imply this to people who might want to vote for you. Oh, wait, you already did it, Richard Mourdock? Oh, dear, that might not work out so well for you! Read more on GOP Candidate Richard Mourdock: Why Can’t Dames Understand That Rape-Babies Are God’s Precious Gift?…
  donald trump loves divorce guys

Trump ‘Bombshell’ II: Michelle Hates Barry, Wanted A Divorce

We revealed earlier that Donald Trump will probably tell us all that Barack Obama was the Kenyan Ricky Ross tomorrow, but there is a second, equally credible bombshell that Donald Trump will also probably embarrassingly reveal to absolutely no impact tomorrow: the Obamas once considered divorcing. With his trademarked humility and circumspection, Donald Trump recently boasted he’s about to announce huge news about President Obama, and one rumor has already been reported: “Douglas Kass, a Florida-based investor who appears on CNBC’s talkshow ‘Squawkbox’ where Trump is often a commentator, tweeted to his 48,000 followers: ’High above the Alps my Gnome has heard that Donald Trump will announce that he has unearthed divorce papers between the Prez and his wife.’” Read more on Trump ‘Bombshell’ II: Michelle Hates Barry, Wanted A Divorce…
  pay attention to meeeeeee

Walking Morality Tale Lindsay Lohan Really Milking This Whole Undecided ‘Voter’ Thing

You guys, Lindsay Lohan just does NOT know what to do about this whole “presidential race” thing, and it is seriously stressing her out! Earlier this month chronically underemployed former child star Lindsay Lohan said she was supporting Mitt Romney because “employment is really important right now,” but Politico reports that on Monday she retweeted a message from the Obama campaign: “RT if you’re #ProudOfObama as our commander in chief.” Then, securing her position as the nation’s most undecided voter, Lohan deleted the tweet and declared that no one is more stressed about this historic decision than she is. “Nice work to both @BarackObama and @mittromney…” wrote Lohan. “i’m so relieved that its over. Maybe more than both of you..severe anxiety-God Bless xo L.” Read more on Walking Morality Tale Lindsay Lohan Really Milking This Whole Undecided ‘Voter’ Thing…
  mitt's time

Mitt Romney Not Waiting Around All Day For You To Return His Call About Your Dead Son, Lady

Mitt Romney is a very busy man, you guys. He is busy now that he’s running for president, and he was busy back when he was a governor. So if your son dies and he gives you a call the day of his funeral, you should probably call him back RIGHT AWAY because he is very important! Very busy! Got that? Read more on Mitt Romney Not Waiting Around All Day For You To Return His Call About Your Dead Son, Lady…
  like such as

U.S. American Mitt Romney Does Not Have Maps

The Twitter is all mad at US American Mitt Romney this morning for something about … geography? Like such as not knowing that Syria is not Iran’s “route to the sea” or something? And that in fact there is a whole other country between the two? Here, let some nerd explain it for you: Rebecca S. So apparently Iran is not landlocked I guess? Josh F. ha and also there is a country between iran and syria Rebecca S. people seem upset by Romney’s geographical non-geniusness, maybe because he does NOT HAVE MAPS!!!! what country might that be, friend? Josh F. it’s on the tip of my tongue some place that was important in the 90s or 00s or something, drawing a blank on it now Rebecca S. hmmm I feel like you might be mocking me. well I am an American, I do not have to know where those countries are that we are #warring Josh F. IRAQ REBECCA IT IS IRAQ Whatever, NERD. Has it occurred to you that there might be a simple answer why Mitt Romney does not know stuff about things? (Besides Obvious Answer Number One: He watches Fox News.) Read more on U.S. American Mitt Romney Does Not Have Maps…
  Libya: Which One Was That Again?

U.S Americans, Like Such As In The Iraq: Your Foreign Policy Debate Liveblog

Greetings, Wonkers, and welcome back to Wonkette’s State of the Art LiveBlogoPlex for the final Debate-O-Palooza of the 2012 Presidential campaign! Your Editrix and most of the Wonkette staff are standing by via the Top Sekrit Wonkette ChatCave for what promises to be a thoughtful and nuanced discussion of the many subtleties of international relations! Or maybe a lot of accusations and lying, it could go either way. So many questions! Has Obama agreed to talk to Iran if he’s re-elected? Will Romney talk to Iran if he wins? Are either of these guys still on speaking terms with each other? Will moderator Bob Schieffer be able to rein in either candidate, or will Mitt cold-cock him with a solid bar of gold? Which Barack Obama will show up tonight: the sleepy dude from the first debate, the feisty smart guy from the second debate, or a third, as-yet unknown Obama, some hybrid narcoleptic street fighter who throws a verbal jab and then morphs into a giant robot…which then falls asleep? And what are the implications for our relations with Brazil? Read more on U.S Americans, Like Such As In The Iraq: Your Foreign Policy Debate Liveblog…
  the protocrowleys of the elders of CNN

Intrepid Conservative Blogger Magnificently Exposes Massive Hofstra-Based Conspiracy

Follow along, libtards, as some guy on the internet blows your whole world up. Last week’s town hall debate was notable for many things – Romney trying to bumrush Obama like eighteen times, Obama not falling asleep five minutes in, and Candy Crowley sort of correcting Mitt Romney by shooting him right in his stupid face. But surely there is an explanation besides “Mitt was completely wrong” for why Crowley dared stand up to America’s Next President? Duh. A blogger at something called “The Last Refuge” and/or “The Conservative Treehouse” (they LUV Andy Breitbart!) has compiled an exhaustive breakdown of exactly how Crowley, Barack Obama, Michelle Obama and Kerry Ladka, the infamous questioner/executioner, conspired to completely and totally embarrass Mitt Romney for about fifteen seconds and therefore lose him every swing state. Read more on Intrepid Conservative Blogger Magnificently Exposes Massive Hofstra-Based Conspiracy…
  Part 8: Science Makes Everything Much Worse

Sundays With The Christianists: With This ‘World History’ Textbook, Your Homeschooled Babbies Will Not Evolve

It’s time for another visit to the funhouse mirror held up to history by our 10th-grade textbook for homeschoolers, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective. If the Church of Rome was the textbook’s designated Big Bad for the period from Constantine through the Reformation, then history’s other greatest monster is Charles Darwin, who along with Karl Marx, provides the heresies against which World History will kick for most of the modern era. Buckle up, gentle readers — we’re headed for a Culture War zone. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: With This ‘World History’ Textbook, Your Homeschooled Babbies Will Not Evolve…
  Needz moar nounz

College Newspaper Frowns Upon Springsteenian Merry-Making, For Such Frivolity Is But A Pale Shadow Of Serious Politics

As the great writer Hanna Arendt once said, “Promises are the uniquely human way of ordering the future, making it predictable and reliable to the extent that this is humanly possible.” And so it is with great pleasure that we announce that the Iowa State Daily, which we are now officially adopting as Wonkette’s Pet College Newspaper, is indeed a keeper of its promises! Let us recap, shall we? At the end of their recent impassioned editorial about boorish knaves defacing the sidewalks of Academe with their impudent political messages, the young fogeys of The Iowa State Daily’s editorial board proclaimed that, in comparison to such flagrant sidewalk-defacery, Showing off celebrities such as actor Justin Long and rock star Bruce Springsteen aren’t [sic] much better, but we can wait to comment on that until tomorrow. Well! Today, which is yesterday’s “tomorrow,” of course, has crept in its petty pace (as the Bard of Avon would say), and did the Iowa State Daily fulfil its solemn vow? Why, yes! Yes it did! If only political candidates of this day and age could be as reliable in following up on the commitments they make to the body politic! Read more on College Newspaper Frowns Upon Springsteenian Merry-Making, For Such Frivolity Is But A Pale Shadow Of Serious Politics…
  twas beauty killed the beast

Lazy Slut Who Did No Work Dinesh D’Souza ‘Resigns’ From Million Dollar Christian College Prez Gig

Dinesh D’Souza: Not having the greatest of all possible weeks? Just a couple days after the revelation that got engaged to and/or shared a hotel with his new lady without technically getting divorced from his old one (and also that lady has a husband too, or at least did recently, ha ha) comes the bad news that he’s going to “resign” from his job as president of The King’s College. (We put “resign” in quotes because “he” “made” the decision after the school’s board of trustees met for like two days straight, presumably deciding the wording of the resignation statement “he” would write.) Was he forced out because of his sexual shenanigans? Sure! But also because he was doing a not very good job of being president of The King’s College? Yes, that too! Read more on Lazy Slut Who Did No Work Dinesh D’Souza ‘Resigns’ From Million Dollar Christian College Prez Gig…
  thespians too!

Scott Brown Pretty Much Asking People Who Lost Loved Ones To Mesothelioma To Punch Him In The Nads

Hey, Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown! You are so cool and likable, everyone likes you so much! Why, professional Boston journalists what know stuff told us to our faces that without any doubt you were going to cream Elizabeth Warren this year, because people think you are a “good guy.” How have you shit on that image today? Oh, by calling the people who cut ads for Elizabeth Warren, explaining how she had helped them and their families in their asbestos-related suit, lying liars who are “paid actors”? We wonder what they thought of that? Read more on Scott Brown Pretty Much Asking People Who Lost Loved Ones To Mesothelioma To Punch Him In The Nads…
  party clown like in 'it'

Children’s Party Clown Bradlee Dean Thinks Rachel Maddow Is A Gross Ugly Lesbo

Super-groovy dude and Michele Bachmann BFF Bradlee Dean has some time on his hands since high schools throughout the Midwest stopped paying him to come and make their students cry about being baby-murdering, dirty-wedding-dress-wearing prostitutes. He also still has to pay Rachel Maddow a whole bunch of his greasy cash for having filed a meritless defamation suit against her after she “defamed” him by playing tape of his own words. So what’s he up to lately? Just taking it to today’s equivalent of the Fireside Chats, Facebook, and calling Maddow so gross and ugly, har har har. Which is weird, because look at the current Bradlee Dean? Read more on Children’s Party Clown Bradlee Dean Thinks Rachel Maddow Is A Gross Ugly Lesbo…
  journamalism

Fox’s Megyn Kelly Has Questions About The Liberal Communist Maoist Questions Picked For The Debate

Thank God we have Megyn Kelly to explain why Romney shit the bed on so many of the questions in last night’s Happy Lovey Hoe-Down Sing-Along — it’s probably because of Candy Crowley, but it’s MOSTLY because of the American public with their stupid concerns. Why did they have such LIBERAL concerns? Real Americans care about the deficit, the fiscal cliff, taxes, bombing more Muslins, and the deficit, though not in that order. So the REAL question is, who picked these people and let them ask questions? Hmm? And why did they ask about stuff we already know from before? Megyn Kelly predicts that there will be questions about that, just questions, that’s all. Read more on Fox’s Megyn Kelly Has Questions About The Liberal Communist Maoist Questions Picked For The Debate…
  at least he didn't call him boy

Humble Gent Mitt Romney Tells President Of United States Of America To STFU

What was your favorite part of last night’s Friendly Friends Hour of Good Times and Niceness? Was it when trustworthy, loyal, helpful, thrifty, cheerful, courteous and brave mild-mannered gentleman Miffed Romney told the President of the United States to shut the fuck up? PROBABLY NOT! But let’s relive it anyway! Read more on Humble Gent Mitt Romney Tells President Of United States Of America To STFU…
  mind the gap

Fox News Watergates Debate Transcript; Erases Four Worst Minutes Of Mitt Romney’s Life

There’s a conspiracy afoot, kid detectives! After the debate, the networks posted “transcripts” of the debate. “What’s a transcript?” your dumb friend might ask. Well, a transcript is when someone writes down everything people said and then you cite from it on the internet! Well, Fox News “transcribed” the debate last night, but there was a mysterious four minute audio gap. Read more on Fox News Watergates Debate Transcript; Erases Four Worst Minutes Of Mitt Romney’s Life…
  In the clearing stands some boxers

Help Belt-Deprived Urban Youths Defeat Prison Culture, Droopy Drawers

Prince George’s County is a community imperiled: It’s not the police officers beating students and lying about it, no, and it is not high-school football players having liaisons with prostitutes during school-sponsored trips. The real problem, you see, is much worse: Students in the D.C. suburb have taken to wearing… saggy pants. Yes, readers, it’s really that bad. Sometimes, students wear their pants lower than adults would like. Don’t worry though, they’ve got a solution. Tell ’em, Washington Times: Prince George’s County community leaders frustrated by the precariously low waistbands of young men are collecting belts this month to put a stop to sagging pants. Good job, community leaders! That’s why students have saggy pants! Lack of belts. Related sociological finding: Vegetarians don’t eat meat due to a lack of steak knives. Read more on Help Belt-Deprived Urban Youths Defeat Prison Culture, Droopy Drawers…
  2012: D'Souza's America

Why Won’t Feminists Stop Destroying Marriage, Asks Dinesh D’Souza’s Extra Fiancée

Before we begin this post, let’s be honest: who wouldn’t want this piece of Hayekian sausage tossed down their meat hallway? NOBODY. (I’m sorry, that was disgusting. He’s obviously toting hot Burkean bratwurst.) Dinesh D’Sousa d’irected 2016: Obama’s America, a wonderful little docudrama about how Dinesh D’Souza is a giant fucking racist. He has a long career of saying completely odious things about Barack Obama in particular, because he is a hateful little man with a chewed-up baseball head. He is also a giant goddamn cheater. D’Souza’s speech earned him a standing ovation and a long line at the book-signing table immediately afterward. Although D’Souza has been married for 20 years to his wife, Dixie, in South Carolina he was with a young woman, Denise Odie Joseph II, and introduced her to at least three people as his fiancée. Finally, near 11 p.m., event organizer Tony Beam escorted D’Souza and Joseph to the nearby Comfort Suites. Beam noted that they checked in together and were apparently sharing a room for the night in the sold-out hotel. The next morning, around 6 a.m., Beam arrived back at the hotel and called up to D’Souza’s room. “We’ll be down in 10 minutes,” D’Souza told Beam. D’Souza and Joseph came down together, and Beam took them to the airport. Read more on Why Won’t Feminists Stop Destroying Marriage, Asks Dinesh D’Souza’s Extra Fiancée…
  bet joe arpaio wishes he'd thought of this

Arizona National Guard Recruits Unwilling Homeless People Into ‘Most Dangerous Game’

Need a life-affirming bit of sunshine and daisies? Then have we got the opposite of that for a story for you! Arizona National Guard recruiters, it seems, have a long, undisciplined history of taking their sometimes-still-underage prospects around town to get a taste of the excitement of military service, by shooting paintballs at homeless people! Also, sex crime, sex crime, blah blah blah. It’s cool though. One whole person got busted some ranks and not honorably discharged! So the system works! (That one time. Everybody else just got transferred, like a priest.) Military investigators were told that [Sgt. First Class Michael] Amerson wore his National Guard uniform and drove a government vehicle marked with recruiting insignia as he and other soldiers — some still minors — shot transients with paintballs or got them to perform humiliating song-and-dance routines in return for money. During some of these so-called “bum hunts,” female recruits said, they were ordered to flash their breasts at transients. Homeless women, conversely, were offered food, money or drinks for showing their breasts. We bet Michael Amerson was the most successful recruiter in the entire Arizona National Guard. Read more on Arizona National Guard Recruits Unwilling Homeless People Into ‘Most Dangerous Game’…
  fruitcakes also too

American Family Association Puts End To Travesty Of Children Being Nice To Each Other

What marvelous thing has the American Family Association done for Western civilization now? Oh, just succeeded in getting upwards of 20 elementary schools to drop out of “Mix It Up At Lunch Day,” an annual program that teams up kids who normally wouldn’t sit together at lunch, and makes them sit together at lunch. Does this lead to breaking up nasty cliques, and helping to fight bullying? No. It leads to butt-pirating and carpet-munching. It’s right there in the title: Mix It Up? THAT IS LIKE TOSSING SALAD, WHICH IS A THING YOU DO WITH YOUR TONGUE AND A BUTT! The one (1) school that bothered to return the New York Times’s calls on the matter said dropping the program had nothing to do with parental pressure and the AFA. No! It was just that teachers were really busy drilling the students for tests! So they couldn’t take the time away from that, to spend like 10 minutes at the outside drawing names and pairing kids up. For lunch. Which would have taken place during … lunch. Balls of steel, school! How do you fit that heroic bravery into those pants? Read more on American Family Association Puts End To Travesty Of Children Being Nice To Each Other…