Fun Fact: As "Daniel Johnson" (not the troubled/talented Austin musician) this same dude ran for Dick Cheney's Wyoming congressional seat when Cheney was appointed Secretary of Defense and was too much of a pussy to invade Baghdad.

Ron Paul Un-endorses White Supremacist [Reason]

• If Hillary only wins 70% of the remaining pledged delegates, that means she only needs the magic number, 69%, of undecided superdelegates. Get it, it's like sex, haw haw haw!
• If she and Obama split the remaining pledged delegates 50-50, she needs 84% of the undecided superdelegates to endorse her loser campaign. As the Clinton camp is surely aware, some guy wrote a book called 1984 once that depicted a dystopian future. "84" is an omen, and Hillary's the only candidate who can bring us that dystopian future!
• Say Obama went crazy and won 60% of the remaining pledged delegates. Well he'd only be screwing himself, as it happens! Hillary would then need 92% of the undecided superdelegates, and what happened in 1992, OH LET ME THINK, maybe that's when her husband beat some old Republican and took over the White House?! Let's do it again!
• The most likely scenario for Hillary to become president, however: Barack Obama wins 54% of the remaining pledged delegates and 60% of undecided superdelegates, and Hillary shoots him in the face with her fake Hitler Gun, and then Al Gore becomes president again at the convention and she shoots him too, the end.

They've had approximately 15 near-divorces that have made it to the newspapers and blogs over the years — Gibbons was a GOP congressman and bribe-taker in Washington for many years, where he otherwise went totally unnoticed. Oh and he's trying to get her evicted from the Guv Mansion, in Carson City.

Here is a picture of Gibbons drunk on a cruise ship, hilariously mocking negroes and their hip hop. [TIME/Las Vegas Gleaner]

Do you know about Gary? Do you know black Gary is? Barack got 75% of that first batch, that's how black. ALL the Jackson brothers and sisters are from Gary, plus Morgan Freeman, that's how black.

11:54 PM — Too tired/drunk for a fancy "live blog," so we'll just do what we're doing. Your co-editors are in the "special chat room" with your editor. So we will paste some stuff in, from them.
11:55 PM — If they can actually type.
11:57 PM — Anderson Cooper to John King, just now: "You're like the Rain Man of politics."
12:00 MIDNIGHT — Oh they dug up Larry King, got his muppeteer, and here we go.
12:01 — It's special that "count all the votes" is going to become the 2008 primary call of idiocy, too.
JIM NEWELL — "who'd you rather fuck: Chuck Todd, or Jesus?"
12:10 AM — For Obama it has gone from 1776 to 1816. What important numerology thing happened in 1816?

Jim N.
tim russert was just like, "we know who gon be the democratic nominee, there's no disputing it." so authoritative!
Sara S.
"she has some real soul-searching to do." Like she has a SOUL.
Sara S.
God, they are loving this.

12:32 AM — Still 19,000 votes between Barack and Hillary, in Indiana, with 92% reporting, and 1.15 million votes counted.
12:33 AM — John King is now playing World of Warcraft on that creepy Indiana map
12:35 AM — Now it's down to 16,000 votes between them?
12:36 AM — So Barack can still win, but good god it would be close. Hillary may hang onto this thing, her "tiebreaker," which ends her campaign.
12:44 AM — Ha, so Larry King really is John King's great grandfather.
12:45 AM — And we wait.
12:54 AM — Now Anderson Cooper is crank-calling the mayor of Gary, Indiana, or something.
12:54 AM — They are counting absentee votes, because you want to do that as late as possible, long after the polls close, and then "brought the equipment to the airport."
12:55 AM — Early voting apparently overwhelmed this county.
12:55 AM — Not just early voting, but ELEVEN THOUSAND VOTES. What are they counting them with, Michael Jackson's homeless zoo animals?
12:59 AM — John King: "I'm going to try one more time, Mr. Mayor." (Mayor McCheese keeps repeating the number 11,000, like it is a crazy unheard of number, and then he says "disenfranchised" a lot.)
1:03 AM — Still a 16,000 vote gap.
1:04 AM — Wolf Blitzer is still confused as to why the mush-mouth mayor can't explain why his county won't count votes. Wolf is getting PISSED because it is like 5 a.m. in Washington.
1:05 AM — "Something corrupt may be happening." — Mayor Tom McDermott, Hammond, Indiana.
1:07 AM — Mayor Clay: "There is no hanky panky going on here in Lake County."
1:07 AM — Clay is an Obama supporter, McDermott is a Hillary supporter.
1:07 AM — Ha, there is something weird going on.
1:08 AM — Where is Katherine Harris?
1:08 AM — Suddenly we're at 98% of Lake County, and Barack is now 55-45.
1:09 AM — Clinton is still winning with 18,000 votes?
1:10 AM — Hillary is going to take Indiana?
1:11 AM — The hilarious mayor of Gary, Indiana, is STILL on the phone.
1:13 AM — So Hillary gets 37 delegates in Indiana, and Obama gets 35.

9:52 PM — Major Garrett: "The atmosphere in here can only be described as excruciating." Yes, we are watching FOX. But now it's a commercial, so over to CNN and Bobblehead Bill Schneider and Soledad O'Brien, who has very good skin.
9:56 PM — Independents went (so far) to Obama by 53% to 47%. We missed the theorizing at Rush Limbaugh's retarded "Operation Chaos" because we were too busy typing about Soledad's complexion.
9:57 PM — Lanny Davis: Greetings America, I am dressed like a mob lawyer! And now I am talking like one. Blah blah blah, she is carrying the Democratic Party's base...Yes, but has she brought peace to the Niger Delta in her off hours? HMMMMM????? Now back to "dele-GATES", and words words about how if you compare her poll numbers to McCain's in certain areas, and divide the answer by the number of thumbs you have up your ass, you can project the alignment of the stars over Michigan and Florida that will friolate Democracy into a crisp.
10:02 PM — Gergen: Sorry, Davis, but your girl blew it. Why is Donna Brazile not saying anything?
10:03 PM — John King: Yeah sorry Davis, have you heard of this thing called Math? It is Daunting, for your girl. John King is doing crazy things with the touch screen.
10:06 PM — Davis reiterates that he is friends, respectful friends with everybody at CNN, but they all know where they can put their Math. Oh, poor mob lawyer Lanny Davis. Obama prevented the re-vote in Florida and Michigan, which means with all due respect there is a respectful disagreement about whether or not Obama is a traitor. Also Math can go fuck itself.
10:09 PM — That guy next to Gergen just said, "If my aunt had a male appendage, she'd be my uncle." He has clearly been talking with Carville.
10:10 PM — Donna Brazile has the most wonderful metallic-colored hair, which is apparently a wig. She is on the Rules Committee, did you know that? That means she has more power than you can imagine, but no opinion on anything.
10:12 PM — LIQUOR BREAK BRB, DRUNK.
10:15 PM — Layne asks, "do you think pelosi fucks gingrich? 'speaker of the house benefits' or something? did anyone else see that commercial?" Help him out, dudes!
10:16 PM — Also there are places called Marion and Gary and Lake in Indiana, and they all need to be counted, which will annoy the rest of America who will have to stay up late if they are terrible political dorks like SOME OF US. Do you know who's from Gary? All of the Jacksons, including Michael. Poor Hillary Clinton is on tenterhooks. Will she talk before they release the absentee ballots, or will she make her bitter old supporters stay up till midnight?
10:19 PM — Eff this, we are going to FOX. Some mildly corpulent man is talking about Lake County, and how they keep all the black Indianans there. There and Gary. What is wrong with Brit Hume's hair? Which rodent does it most closely resemble? The FOX dude is like "Indiana goes to Hillary, don't worry."
10:22 PM — Live camera on sad Hillary voters shuffling around some tragic Indiana gathering-place. Hume looks defeated and very tired. He's like "So, uh, anybody got any questions?" The atmosphere may best be described as "funereal." Or, "excruciating," if you are Major Garrett. Good God, did somebody slip Hume a quaalude or something?
10:26 PM — Nina Easton is getting eaten by her wig while she tries to talk about McCain being tethered to George Bush. So let's talk about Reverend Wright, and how even if John McCain takes the high road, his surrogates can take the very, very low one! Plus we can hope the Reverend will freak out and start exposing himself on national television. Fred Barnes is like, "Yeah, sadly, I doubt that will happen," and they all sigh and go back to their shuffleboard and Mr. Pibbs.
10: 28 PM — We hear that "Lanny Davis has death in his face right now," so we should probably flip back to CNN. Donna Brazile just challenged Lanny Davis to a fight in the green room. Eyes, nose, throat, groin!
10:31 PM — Who is this captivating gentleman with the truckloads of makeup and the mustache of a card sharp? He has just made a very sober observation, which is that looking at general election matchups right now is nonsense. Lanny Davis is like BUT STILL, THE BLUE COLLARS LIKE HILLARY and Jamal Simmons says, "Forget about the white males, dude, we lost them a generation ago."
10:34 PM — Evan Bayh speaking now, he is boring, so CNN doesn't care. This is why Bayh ran for like two weeks before dropping out. Didn't he? FACT CHECK PLS.
10:35 PM — Jeffrey Toobin just admitted he has no new ideas for Hillary.
10:38 PM — Hillary Clinton greets a feverish crowd, and Ken Layne is covering it LIVE, right here, on the next liveblog.

9:10 PM — Keith Olbermann declares the crowd must be on its feet 20 times tonight or else Obama is a loser. Michelle looking impeccable in her crazy orange dress. And here's the man of the evening! How many former friends, associates, and pastors, and Weathermen will he throw under the bus in this rousing speech?
9:12 PM — Who is the chancellor of NC State, and why does this person have such a difficult to pronounce name? The camera pans around wildly to a very caucasian-looking crowd.
9:14 PM — He congratulates Hillary on her victory in Indiana, so that he will look gracious if she actually wins it and like a terribly clever mind-fucker if she does not. He reminds America that North Carolina is big, which is important.
9:15 PM — OMG HE SAID BITTER, as in "bitter cold." Elitist.
9:17 PM — This has been one of the longest, most irritating, most tedious contests fought in American history. No kidding. This race, he tells us, is not about any of the people running for President, and what they wear and how big their asses are and what sorts of decorations they put on their collars. No, it is about you, the dull and downtrodden American people.
9:19 PM — Ding, drink, he mentioned John McCain, is there some sort of drinking game tonight? And segue to the Civilian Anecdotes. They can't afford four more years of four more years! Hey where is John Edwards tonight?
9:22 PM — The guy who lost his job and can't afford the gas to drive around and get a new one? That is the saddest man in the world, besides that New Hampshire dude. He is so sad that a fiction writer could not have thought of a sadder person. And the crowd goes wild.
9:25 PM — You should be able to count on a job that pays the bills, and healthcare, and an education? Really? What is this magical country in which a water plant worker can support his whole family? A water plant dude can support maybe his Cheetos habit, and an occasional fried baloney sandwich.
9:26 PM — Now he goes after McCain. Now THAT dude is an out-of-touch elitist, because he was born before the middle class was invented.
9:28 PM — Did not get into this race to avoid the nasty politics, got into it to end it. Hmm, good luck with that.
9:30 PM — He trusts the American people to understand a lot of things the American people do not understand. NEWS FLASH he is getting all up in Hillary's shit in Indiana (behind by 4 points now). He will lose by a razor-thin margin and the race will march grimly on.
9:32 PM — What is that dude doing behind the sign? Texting? Picking his nose? The dude over Obama's right shoulder. Ken Layne writes, "hey sara mention that cnn just project 1776 delegates for Barry right when he's talking about whatever founding fathers stuff — NUMEROLOGY??" The answer is yes.
9:34 PM — Huzzah, MCCAIN WINS INDIANA. Oh they are on their feet in NC again. How many times is that, Olbermann? Hmm, and he closes with a "May God bless you and the United States of America." Is that a new addition? Wow, Michelle's dress is BRIGHT.
9:37 PM — And now they are back to bitter and Rev. Wright and all the "divisions and distractions" Obama just spent 20 minutes railing against. Wow Obama is ahead by 16% in North Carolina. We had not been looking at the Numbers.
9:39 PM — Chuck Todd: Oh goodness it looks like the state of Indiana has syphilis. Obama needs 55% of the yet-to-be-counted votes, and now Chuck Todd is circling all the poxy areas on the map. He says he has been talking to the Obama Boiler Room and they say they'll lose it by 10 or 15,000 votes. Chuck Todd wants to know where French Lick is.
9:42 PM — Russert: Clinton needed an early, decisive victory in Indiana. Instead she got an early, decisive defeat in North Carolina. Also the gas tax holiday debate played to Obama's advantage.
9:44 PM — Olbermann wants to know what Obama will need to get in Indiana in order to put away Clinton. Russert punts. He cannot pronounce the word "detrimental." Or "burden." Let's see what words Tom Brokaw will mispronounce! Brokaw's eyes appear to be receding into tiny little burrows in his head. In fact it is unclear if he has actual eyeballs anymore. Who needs 'em anyhow when you're just writing about The Greatest Generation all the time?
9:47 PM — Hillary Clinton is going to have herself a hearty chuckle when this is all over and she has won, and she can play a Victory Reel of the douchebags on MSNBC declaring her dead 50 times.
[10:07 PM — She has a new liveblog over here, people! — Ed.]

6:45 — Norah O'Donnell looks hot, and maybe pregnant, but she is showing a lot of legs and they look just fine.
6:46 — Hillary Clinton is winning Indiana by 22%, with 3% of precincts reporting, and this is because of the Blue Collars of course.
6:47 — Fuck you, Chris Matthews, please stop analyzing how Hillary is winning the state of Indiana because she took shots with beer chasers. Just fuck you you fucking fuckity fuck.
6:48 — YOU ALL ARE TERRIBLE NOBODY LIKES YOU PEOPLE ON TEEVEE. Some hobbit gal is talking about how people (Chris Matthews) thought Hillary was a "white-wine swilling" Ivy League elitist, until she had a shot of whiskey at a bar in front of cameras.
6:49 — The hobbit gal went to Brown, OH HO HO, SHE CAN'T TALK.
6:50 — Tom Daschle! Ha ha no way, didn't he die of anthrax on 9/11?
6:51 — He thinks Barack will win the thing in like mid-June, because who is this Hillary person anyway. Whatever, South Dakota Loser Tom.
6:53 — It's Tim Russert, the most important journalist in American history. Give us the imminent, dire situation report, Tim!
6:55 — The Dire Tim Russert Situation(TM): If Hillary does not win Indiana by enough. If she only wins by single digits. Will the superdelegates then. And Hillary's own supporters. PUT PRESSURE ON HER TO END THIS? This is an incredibly important time. It is just that crucial.
6:57 — Commercial break, while Tim Russert writes the 7:30 analysis which will be something like, "Can Hillary go on. There is a lot of pressure on Hillary to not go on. From party officials. Can Hillary go on. If she wins. By three points?"
7:00 — It is POLL CLOSING TIME, and FOUR PERCENT OF VOTES ARE IN, and MSNBC still will not call this race. Elitists.
7:01 — BREAKING NEWS ALERT THAT WE ARE SERIOUSLY NOT MAKING UP: Polls will have to stay open in some county or other in northwest Indiana because of (official reason) "human error." Chris Matthews explains that some poll worker fucked up the voting process because he couldn't turn on the machine for several hours. This is actually what happens, this is why polls are staying open late in a county or two. Fuck you, Indiana, no one likes you and your basketball Hoosiers and Gene Hackman too.
7:02 — Oh look, Hillary's chairman Terry McAuliffe. This is the man who owns Hillary Clinton's campaign:

7:04 — Let's search the archives for that "other" picture of Terry McAuliffe, and then maybe by the time we've found it he'll be done talking about why Hillary will be the new president after Michigan is counted:

7:07 — Oh this should give us a much-needed shot in the arm: it's now the most famous loser in recent history, John Kerry, talking about stuff. Hey John, show yr tits!
7:08 — Please don't show your tits, ever, John Kerry.
7:09 — Tom Daschle, Terry McAuliffe, John Kerry. It's like an early 2000s Hall of Monster Democrat Fame! Where's Dicky Gephardt, or Joe Lieberman? Oh right, one is dead and one is John McCain's slave.
7:11 — Chris Matthews just went on a textbook Cable News Rant about the American electorate, a picaresque tour of characters in trailer parks who "drop g's" and drink beer and bowl on the local ladies' bowling team. I thought it was the Negroes who drop the g's, like all of those rappers on the Em Tee Vee (Barack Obama)?
7:14 — The Most Important Tim Russert In Journalism says, "Obama has been trying to get white women to come to him." And this could be. His downfall. Right now. Obama. With the white gals.
7:18 — Obama wins Indiana's black folks 92% to 8%. That means 46 of Indiana's black people voted for Barry and the other 4 went for the white chick.
7:23 — Pat Buchanan says Hillary is going to win by double digits and this means Barack Obama cannot be president. Welcome to another Tuesday Night with Pat Buchanan!
7:24 — The only good thing about having more competitive primaries is that it keeps giving Pat Buchanan opportunities to finally yell "RACHEL MADDOW WHAT KINDA CARPET YOU BEEN A'MUNCHIN'." Swear to God, will happen by West Virginia. South Dakota at the latest.
7:26 — *Not just saying this because he's the only black dude at the table*, but doesn't Eugene Robinson sound exactly like Cleveland from Family Guy tonight? Someone do an audio mash up!
7:30 — NORTH CAROLINA POLLS CLOSE: Barack Obama is president of North Carolina, there is a projection! You know why? It's a secret. (ALL THE BLACK PEOPLE VOTED FOR HIM).
7:33 — Blah blah Tom Brokaw old. This is a good time to pass it over to Ken Layne, who has finished feeding his 45 children. New thread shortly! (IT'S UP GO HERE)

Ha ha, it's the ugliest baby she's ever seen. She's so disgusted! "When I lift the gas tax," she says, "I'm still going to make this baby pay it, for being ugly."

AP Photos

[YouTube]

Walters claims she had a years-long sex affair with the moderate Republican, who was married at the time. Brooke was later divorced. And he's still alive, retired in Florida or something, and it is kind of NOT COOL to rat out your old '70s affair partner when he's still alive. No class, Baba.

Anyway, she tells Oprah she doesn't give a hoot because she had already been divorced a hundred times by the early 1970s. Also, she was "infatuated" with Senator Brooke.

Brooke was born and raised and educated in the District, was an Army captain in Europe, got his degrees from Howard and Boston Law, and served a dozen years in the Senate. But now "Affair With Barbara Walters" is going to be the longest part of his Wikipedia entry.

Barbara Walters reveals past affair with US senator [AP]

• "I think it is fair to say that Ron Paul has risked his life by identifying the essential elements by which the power élite controls our lives."
• "Three books in particular support his angry denunciation of how Congress—both Republican and Democratic—has allowed the Executive to attack our civil liberties, sustain executive warmaking never intended by the Founding Fathers, and precipitated an unprecedented financial crisis. Congress standing still for "signing statements" [and I would add, for morons like Gonzalez that give all Latinos a bad name], is the last straw."
• "He labels the neoconservatives as false conservatives."
• "What can I say to such a clear and concise look at politics today within America. Refreshing, honest, and inspirational. I would march on his orders, I would take a bullet for the man, not for who he is, but for what he stands for, FREEDOM!!!!!!"
• "This book will go down in history as a turning point in America's heading."
• "I learned a lot from this book. It is not an "easy" read, as he is trying to teach a few things that one has to go over a few times to actually understand."
• "I just finished reading Jim Cramers Stay Mad For Life and I thought that was going to be the best book I have ever read well that was until I baught THE REVOLUTION by Ron Paul this book is a must read for everyone once you open it up and read the first couple of pages you wont set the book down until you finish so set aside a couple hours kick back and relax because you are about to read you new favorite book of all time."
• "I have been a long time Amazon customer. And this is my first ever review( okay, I do like my Juicer)..Why?. The time is NOW to listen to what Ron paul has brought to the table for many, many years. I was like a kid at Christmas. I was not expecting this book until early May. I was so exited when the Amazon Box appeared on my Porch. I jumped in to it right away. I plan on getting some more copies to send out as gifts."
• "Ron Paul is to Washington what Dave Ramsey is to personal finance."
• "I'm a very enthusiastic Ron Paul supporter, so of course I had to buy several copies of the book along with the audio version. Having the audio allows me to listen to his common sense while I work, while also broadcasting those ideas in my shop to all of my daily customers, hence spreading the message effortlessly. An additional instance occurred as I witnessed my daughter(she's nine) listening to the audio cd's in private with her earphones, while reading along; a great way to expand her economic vocabulary!"

Because all these fucking people text to each other is the word "LOL," which is Internet parlance for "That is comical." Look at these retarded seventh graders, as it were, on September 15, 2002 — only 369 days after space stations were blown up in New York City:

LOL LOL LOL, LOL LOL LOL! LOL, LOL LOL LOL LOL? LOL! LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL — LOLOLOL, LOLOL, LOL; LOL LOL LOL; LOL (LOLater on the very, very early morning of September 15, 2002):

As you can see, they were in Washington D.C., home of America! You know how Christine Beatty spent her time enjoying the nation's capital the next morning? By being a COCKTEASE:

The blacked-out word(s), we believe, is "hummer" or "Slurple McGurple" or "Siamese sucky sorcery." Whatever you choose to call it, Kwame was rightfully pissed that she would not do it and then go around telling him after the fact. Especially after he got her Ben's Chili Bowl, LOL OLOL LOLOL!!!

Yes, because men — especially this man — are never in the mood for a Suckering Succotash.

Ha ha, he runs a city.

Detroit Mayor's To Ex-Aide Are Released [NYT]
PDF of sexy texts memo

2:03 — He rejects everything Wright said, and he said Wright has been making a spectacle of himself in the last three or four days. He is "not the man I knew over the last 20 years."
2:04 — Good Lord, wake the hell up Drug Eyes! Speak a sentence coherently! Hillary is drinking rat blood right now, and you can barely say "anger" without crying like a sally.
2:04 — Also is "angered" by how Wright called him insincere in his fake denunciation of Wright's views.
2:06 — Blah blah I like hope, Jeremiah Wright likes saying White Men invented AIDS.
2:08 — Wright's "performance" yesterday changed their relationship, Barry says. For the worse. Barry thinks that AIDS came from Spain, with its Moors.
2:10 — Wright has "put strains" on their relationship with his "spectacle." Do any of YOU have a friend-breakup with this sort of terminology? "Hello best friend, you are putting strains on our relationship by being such a spectacle performing artist hobo. We will now be on different terms, to be defined later."
2:12 — Wright wasn't "constructive" yesterday, like Barry was when he gave that speech in Philadelphia. Umm, is that his white side talking? Suddenly *all black people* have to be *constructive* when they speak their jive?
2:14 — Wah wah wah my feelings are hurt because he did this in front of the National Press Club, which is a big deal. Oh Barry, we went there for Taco Night a few weeks ago — it's really lame!
2:16 — Intellectual Barry is now talking about liberation theory, ALTHOUGH "HE'S NOT A THEOLOGIST." Elitismmsmsm!
2:17 — Smartypants McBlack-White here says that thinking only about the struggles of a particular group in society is NARROW. Yes, but it's easier. Some of us like life EASY, not weighed down by your precious thinky-majigs.
2:20 — "Black churches holler and 'whoop.'" The white reporters wish to hear more about this gleeful "whoop."
2:22 — I love how there is this huge press conference, attracting all eyes and ears of the national media, to hear Barack Obama say there has been "great damage" between him and some black preacher he knows. MUST LIVEBLOG MORE.
2:24 — Ha, nevermind fuckers! It's over. To recap: Obama is having a serious friend breakup with that black preacher, who spoke at a place where some reporters eat lunch yesterday.

2:51 — MAGICAL UPDATE: Here is a video of Obama's opening comments:

Look at him running like a goddamn golden retriever in hot pursuit of an orange treat. In this case, however, he is running away from Jeremiah Wright, who is giving a damaging press conference at the opposite end of the gymnasium. Run from your pastor, Barry! Run from the Culture Wars, straight into the arms of 12-foot-tall monster Tyler Hansborough!

Yes, sports aren't gay at all.

"Sorry boys — that ring means I'm married. To a lay-dee folk."

[Pauses]

"My marriage is drowning me."

Here he is with Tar Heels' coach Roy Williams, who, like Barry, has spent a period of indentured servitude in Kansas. He's telling Williams that he knows more about basketball than any coach could ever Hope to. Elitist! The President must not know more about anything than anyone else.

Obama plays hoops at Tar Heels home in advance of Tuesday NC primary [Lynn Sweet]
AP Photos

According to a Sunday Times piece over the weekend, Buswell "lifted [the staffer's] chair and started sniffing it after she had sat in it in his parliamentary office," in 2005. Buswell refused to deny these allegations yesterday. And if you refuse to deny SNIFFING A GIRL'S CHAIR FOR HER VAGINA ODOR, then you probably did it.

He held another press conference today and admitted that he had lifted the chair to get a few good whiffs of this staffer's ever-lingering snatch. Of course, he cried like a little baby today because ha ha ha, how completely embarrassing! What a clown! A sniffy sniffy vagina clown!

Tearful Troy Buswell admits behaviour 'unacceptable' [Perth Now]

We entered the Washington Hilton around 6:30 and immediately saw famous musician Ashlee Simpson and her slave, "Pete Wentz," walking towards a Special red carpet entrance. Ashlee had brown hair and a fairly mutilated face — that fat nose didn't come off easily.

At our cretins' entrance, we were able to dodge past a horde of "tweens," just like outside of TRL, all these brainwashed 12-year-old girls, SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS AT THE CELEBRITIES WALKING IN. I assumed it was for Wolf Blitzer, who looked devilish in his shiny monkey suit. Liz says they were shouting for "Will.I.Am" the bad singer in that shitty Obama YouTube video where they make an awkward song out of a Hope speech. We negotiated and decided it was "The Jonas Brothers" for whom they were shouting. The Jonas Brothers are like Hannah Montana, but boys. Don't these kids have homework? MATH HOMEWORK?

Then we ran into the Washington Post's Reliable Source Amy Argetsinger in some circular garden. Amy said there was food at the Newsweek party. We headed to the Newsweek party to get drinks.

Lordy, what a guest list at this national magazine's party. We entered in line behind former Secretary of State/war criminal Henry Kissinger, who was surrounded by all these young gals.

It's truly astonishing how much of a hobbit Henry Kissinger is, in "real life." You don't understand — he's actually Bilbo Baggins and Frodo Baggins too and he fights dragons. He burns rings in volcanoes. That is all we have to say about Henry Kissinger at the Newsweek party.

Who else did we see? Here are some Polaroids!

Famous Thank You For Smoking star Aaron Eckhart, who looked more confused than anyone (including ourselves).

Donatella Versace, some Fashion Thing!

Harold and Kumar stoner guy (terrorist!)

And make sure you are sitting in an upright position for this one folks. It might kill you. Here is Liz with Bowser himself, in the flesh. MARK PENN:

He was actually the nicest Polaroid subject of the night. Really very nice. Huh. Maybe he doesn't shit fire?

Also:

• Liz took two (2) Polaroids with Newt Gingrich, and both times they didn't turn out. He is a banshee from space?
• Martha Stewart was also there, but she actually hid behind a bar and pretended to read the information on a white wine bottle so as to avoid Liz's freakish camera. Isn't she supposed to be in jail or something? Willie Horton got a furlough, and look what he did.
• We also ran into Wonkette Columnist Choire Sicha chatting up none other than former Wonkette editor Ana Marie Cox! Choire politely introduced me to her (yes, it was a first encounter), and Mrs. Cox went to talk to some other people.

We lied. Obama is such a snob about motorcars that he didn't know the car had to BE THERE for him to fill it up. He has never driven a car in his life. He rides a velvet-seated flying pineapple that runs on Dom Perignon champagne fuel. It was his racist white grandmother's present — it is custom for the young princes of the Punahou Preparatory High School to receive flying pineapple on the eve of commencement (sponsored by Rolls Royce).


Fuck is he running from, besides the white guy checkin' out his ass? Oh, we see, he's running to a different white guy who promised him a "full tank of unleaded."

He just hates this Cro Magnon community so much. But they give him saltwater taffy so whatever.

AP Photos

Some of this "graphic design" was totally laughable and clearly the product of too much marijuana. This is a poster of hippies after they were forced to take a shower, but before they all got in the hot tub. (Note the sign held by the black man, who just might be a presidential candidate today, with the Muhammad Ali quote. You try holding that shit up in the streets today.)

And there's this Angela Davis poster by Ricardo Levins Morales:

Ha ha, that is awesome. That was when Professor Davis was on the run from angry Vietnamese people or something, I think, and people could put up that poster to let them know they were not Vietnamese and would shelter her.

As time went on, more people, not just people who were against The Vietnam, made posters. They'd just willy-nilly say whatever they wanted and stuff! Also they had 'zines and phone-sex lines back then.

The Guerrilla Girls were a group of "feminists" who were pretty much angry about everything and wanted to make as much money as men did:

Apparently lots of ladies were angry. They wanted to have jobs and abortions, just like men could.

After the ladies were all angry, the gays got AIDS and were very angry about that. (Before AIDS they were carefree tie-wearing white men just like everyone else.) The gay, it turned out ,were VERY GOOD at graphic design (like they are with ikebana and making dresses) so they sort of reinvented the poster art and stuff.

This was around the same time that Barbara Kruger took over design and then apparently everyone's mind was blown and no one else could ever design anything again.

So like, it's been THIRTY YEARS at least since propaganda artists started re-purposing corporate logos, as in this Vietnam-era poster.
But now they have The Photoshop, because all liberals are freelancers for book publishers and Viacom, and they can do it in their sleep.

(Various designers, from Campaign On Iraq Poster Exhibition. OMG you should look at all of those because the vast majority of them are terrible.) What does this particular image salad mean anyway? Nothing, that's what. Toys 'R' Us is ... killing people? It's just liberals hating on everything.

WHY DO THEY HATE BIG MACS? Big Macs are fucking incredible.

There was a brief revival in propaganda around the time of the Republican National Convention in New York City, four years ago. All the gays in New York were super-mad about the Republicans coming to town to have sex with our boys so they made some posters, some of which were not bad. (None of them had the McDonald's logo at least.)

And now a bunch of people who do not like the current wars have posters in their house that say "you can not hug a child with Kim Jong Il's arms" or whatever because apparently NO ONE HAS ANY IDEAS ANY MORE. Probably because they are busy watching "Lost," which was kind of awesome last night. Everything is sort of a mish-mash of Kruger, May of '68, and 50s-era propaganda design, so that stupid people know from the form of the thing that it's supposed to be propaganda.

Also everyone is on the internet looking at amputee porn and too lazy to even go wheatpasting.

So these days even the London police are making better propaganda than the supposedly smart arty leftists. That is what the hippies use to call "getting schooled." The end.

Choire's "Endless Bummer" column appears whenever he is not too bummed out to write it, right here on Wonkette! Write to Choire at his email address, here!

Meanwhile, at a campaign stop in Indianapolis, Hillary Clinton said "I'm very proud that as of today, I have received more votes by the people who have voted than anybody else." Yes, she has received votes by people who have voted. The rest of that statement is true if you count Florida and Michigan, which nobody is counting.

Asked for comment, Barack Obama played it cool. "I guess there have been a number of different formulations that the Clinton campaign has been trying to arrive at to suggest that somehow they're not behind," he said, and then stubbed out his cigarette on Harold Icke's face.

Hill redraws treasure map [New York Post]

The gown? Oscar de la Renta.

The bride's earrings? Austin jewelers Anthony Nak.

The bridesmaids' hot little aqua-blue-or-yellow-whatever cocktail dresses of varying styles? Dallas native Lela Rose.

The shocking father-bride dance? Nobody knows what to expect, according to Access Hollywood, but that George W. Bush sure loves to do ethnic dances! (Watch the horrifying video.)

[AP Photo]

The drugs & booze? Absolutely top notch (for Texas).

If Hillary was on stage speaking, then WHY IS THIS HILLARY UPSTAIRS ON THE BALCONY? They are seriously the exact same person from behind. Another lie.

Helluva story: In this exact same ballroom 11 months ago, my senior college class' SENIOR FORMAL was here. And none of these cute gals would hook up with me then, either! Hey, waiter, where's my gin? Oh sorry, that was meant to be verbal.

HEYO! It's Liz with that Candy Crowley gal from the CNN. Liz says she's great, and they're making out right now, goodnight.

• 10:46 PM — Obama comes out smiling and happy, saying "I love you back" to a gal screaming "I Lurve You," and thanking John Cougar Mellencamp ... well this must be Indiana!
• 10:47 PM — Starting with the happy talks, the jokes, the stuff. Putting off the bummer?
• 10:47 PM — No, instead, he graciously congratulates Hillary in the first 90 seconds of his speech.
• 10:48 PM — "People thought we were going to be blown out, and now, six weeks later, we closed the gap, we rallied people of every age, race and background to the cause."
• 10:49 PM — Registered a record number of new voters, who will bury Hillary's supporters when they die of natural causes, in November.
• 10:52 PM — He just missed a chance to say "doing what we were doing for the past sixteen years.
• 10:53 PM — Because this speech is going to be all about John McCain and George W. Bush. Interesting. Hillary never mentioned McCain, did she?
• 10:53 PM — With 79% of the precincts reporting, looks like a 10% win for Hilz in PA. Will that hold?
• 10:57 PM — Is that Larry David sitting right behind Obama?
• 10:58 PM — Well, he's less annoying than Hillary, but this is not an award-winning speech. Helps to win, for those speeches.
• 11:02 PM — He is not a perfect man, as his mean wife always tells him, but he will be president for eight years, which is a hint that Hillary will be about as old as McCain's mom when Obama is finally done being president of the U.S. Solar System, in space.
• 11:05 PM — And out he goes, with, uh ... a John Cougar Mellencamp song. You know, "race music."
• 11:06 PM — Olbermann & Matthews are now saying Hillary is so much better. These fuckin' guys! Never give these teevee hosts an eight-ball during the speech.

And that's it, babies. Tonight's Hillary speech was brought to you by FATE, which decided in 1920 that Hillary Clinton would be president despite the delegate counts or actual vote. And tonight's Obama speech was brought to you by ... Abercrombie & Fitch:

And now we only have another thousand primaries coming up next! Guam! North Carolina! Indiana! West Virginia! Kentucky! Oregon! Puerto Rico! Montana! Jesus, South Dakota could decide this. Or not.

Tim Russert says Obama will easily make up PA in NC, and will still be 700,000 votes ahead in the popular vote, and still way ahead with delegates, and Hillary now says it will be settled in ... June. JUNE?

• 10:00 PM — Chuck Todd's going to break it down for us, hooray!
• 10:01 PM — Barack's just getting 60% in Philly, but he was supposed to get 70% to kill Hillary.
• 10:02 PM — Okay, so all these big fancy suburban counties have not yet delivered their totals, because they're so elite.
• 10:03 PM — Ha ha, Keith Olbermann is insulting Chuck Todd by saying he "sounds just like a weatherman." But you don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows, motherfuckers.
• 10:05 PM — Howard Fineman is now spinning weird sex fantasies about the "city women in Pittsburgh" and "their cousins in the country."
• 10:06 PM — But Barack is still taking all the fancy arugula-eating suburban rich folks. And those people actually run the country.
• 10:09 PM — A few hours ago, Chris Matthews was sputtering about how she's got to drop out, she is insane, blah blah. Nothing has changed — she's winning at the reduced-expectations level just as everybody said, a few hours ago — but now Matthews is on this insane rant about she's a "Scranton Homegirl" (?) or something, so middle-class and awesome.
• 10:14 PM — Here comes Hillary! She's on the stage in Philly! She's up TEN POINTS at this point, which is half of what she should've won by, but double than she was expected to win by, today. Crazy!
• 10:15 PM — It's a good night. She allowed Bill onstage.
• 10:17 PM — "You listened, and today you chose."
• 10:17 PM — Hill's makeup does look very nice tonight.
• 10:17 PM — Ha ha, they are doing the "Yes She Will!" chant, which is stolen from the black man.
• 10:18 PM — So much for Hillary dropping out, ever.
• 10:19 PM — It's another speech about how fucking awesome Hillary Clinton is, and how you are all losers who need her.
• 10:20 PM — They are cheering because they know they need HER and only SHE can help THEM.
• 10:20 PM — Ha ha, she just described her constituency: "Women in their 90s who remember when they couldn't vote." Is that true? I'm pretty sure nobody is alive who remembers when they couldn't vote, because they would have to be 88 years old plus 18 years old which is 106 years old. Hillary lies.
• 10:21 PM — "Give me your money."
• 10:23 PM — Now she's just repeating the "my opponent outspent me two-to-one," etc.
• 10:24 PM — Ha ha, her campaign is "all about" solving problems, while Obama's campaign is only about talking about being president, which is ... very different!
• 10:27 PM — She's at least twice as black as Barack Obama!
• 10:31 PM — And she finishes with a classy "Yes We Will."
• 10:32 PM — Chris Matthews loves Hillary so much again, now.
• 10:33 PM — And now she's down to an 8% lead.
• 10:33 PM — Olbermann notes that the whole speech was Hillary "mocking" Barack and stealing his catch phrases and shows nothing resembling grace. Chris Matthews says it's okay because it's her role in life to be president and Barack is just in her way.
• 10:37 PM — Ha ha, Ron Paul is winning a county in Pennsylvania: Armstrong County! He is beating that old McCain 524 to 113 votes. GO RON PAUL!
• 10:38 PM — Ha ha, the AP story that will be in the papers tomorrow will say that it sort of looks like she'll win PA but Time & Money are running out. So the old people who still get newspapers are going to wake up to that.
• 10:38 PM — Okay, we will get a new Live Blog ready for Saddy McHopeful's speech.
• 10:50 PM — Over here, buddies!

9:24 PM — Russert: Sea legs, bitter, Wright, Obama just has to win Indiana and North Carolina. THEN he will be the real candidate. Otherwise no closure for Hope. Matthews seethes about how the Clinton camp always changes the rules, while Russert is merely amused. Do you know why? Because somewhere, tucked between Matthew's gall bladder and his spleen, lurks a tiny pulsating former vestige of a soul, whereas Russert has nothing but placid open space. And beer.
9:28 PM — Oh look say hello to our secret lesbian girlfriend Rachel Maddow, and a very tall David Gregory. David Gregory is not, however, terribly tall sitting down. He is one of those leggy tall people, whereas others are all torso. Like, uh, Eugene Robinson maybe? Do any of these people ever actually have to stand and walk?
9:29 PM — If we are ever trapped in an elevator for 41 hours, we would like the voice of Gene Robinson piped over the speakers to soothe us. Gregory says "Let's use the Rocky analogy correctly here." Robinson laughs and laughs. The point is, Obama IS Rocky because he will lose Pennsylvania, or Hillary IS Rocky because she will lose the nation.
9:33 PM — Buchanan, shouting. You know who's shrill? Pat Buchanan. Closeup on a hand hovering over a bell. Huh? We are about ready to pack this all in and watch that Sarah Marshall movie.
9:34 PM — "This is a tailor-made state for Hillary Clinton," says Claire McCaskill. Totally true, since Pennsylvania brims with old people, bowlers, and Ed Rendell. Matthews says "We're getting screwed." So vulgar.
9:37 PM — Matthews jabbers about meat and potatoes, bread and butter, potatoes and pot roast. Which candidate can speak the language of string cheese and red wine? Because that candidate has our vote. (Hint: Gravel.)
9:39 PM — Over to Fox. Brit Hume makes love to Terry McAuliffe with his eyes, and his penis. Attention America, Hillary Clinton's campaign hearts Fox News, which should give all of us pause.
9:42 PM — And over to CNN. Bennett says he does not enjoy saying bad things about people, which is a lie. Then he says Barack Obama will lose because he is a liberal.
9:44 PM — This Obama supporter guy points out that while "the Clintons" always win, "Hillary Clinton" does not always win. Everybody nods sagely and then says "Yeah but still," and cuts to a commercial break in awkward silence.
9:50 PM — Observe this dull blue map! Many many light blue counties and very few dark blue ones. This map is totally racist. John King suggests "a thumping." Yoiks the bluecollar lunchbuckets broke HARD for Hillary Clinton. More numbers and maps...this crazy map induces vomiting like The Blair Witch Project.
9:59 PM — OMG Senator Clinton will address her minions soon and Wonkette's own Jim Newell is right there, on the scene, photographing an assortment of allegedly hot young women who are really just Bea Arthur in hot girl masks. Don't tell Newell, though, because he is stilll Wee and capable of grave disappointment.

• 8:50 PM — Hillary's still up 65% over Barack's 35%, but this is based on like nine voters, all on Clinton's staff.
• 8:52 PM — Oh and here is our last liveblog from a few moments ago!
• 8:52 PM — Hillary is the Projected Winner just like everybody said!
• 8:53 PM — Well, guess what's happening on MSNBC? That's right, a lot of ill-informed jabbering, just like on CNN!
• 8:55 PM — But exit polls show that Hillary won the women, the Catholics and the old people by two-to-one.
• 8:56 PM — Other exit poll questions: 68% say Obama is trustworth, while only 56% believe Hillary's lies.
• 8:57 PM — Obama also wins in the "can save our doomed economy."
• 8:58 PM — Ha ha, Hillary will win by the exact amount everybody has been saying for a week: 5%.
• 8:59 PM — The "voting irregularities" included dozens and dozens of precincts with completely broken voting machines, no paper ballots, no way to fix anything, etc. Hooray for the Democracy!
• 8:59 PM — Hillary's voters showed up late, because they could not find the polling stations.
• 9:00 PM — Of course the Hillary campaign is completely out of money, so now it's all about spinning the hourlong wait to declare a winner.
• 9:00 PM — Tom Brokaw should not be allowed to try to say numbers because it's all "And, Obama won sigglydem percent of the bwogadum," etc.
• 9:00 PM — And 91% of the voters who, uh, voted for Hillary said she had more experience of living in the White House one time.
• 9:10 PM — 53% ... Does that even count?
• 9:15 PM —
• 9:17 PM — So why didn't those Phoenix UFOs go to Pennsylvania instead? Experts say the gun-owning white lady space monsters are Too Bitter!
• 9:19 PM — CLINTON 229,819, OBAMA 201,034. (Sayeth Drudge.)
• 9:21 PM — Uh oh, your editor's dog just "took himself for a walk" and is at the neighbor's up the road. Sara?

Much like Washington D.C., Philadelphia is owned by an elite group of Homosexuals called "Rainbows."

Over at the University of Pennsylvania, many young politics-averse students with their iPods were too blasé to concern themselves with American Democracy. But then they saw the blue stars on this sign and excitedly ran in to vote, because how pretty are the stars?

Thomas Jefferson is ALIVE AND LIVES IN PHILLY IN A GARDEN. He voted for "the slave," and promised to free him in his will.

Philadelphia is very excited about this Star Wars musical that is finally coming to town. We went and saw it 20 times this afternoon, but didn't care for it.

For lunch we ate Ben Franklin's penis. This is what Philadelphians dine on every meal.

National Journal is reporting various voting troubles in the black precincts of Philadelphia.

Brad Blog says there are e-voting problems with the electronic voting machines!

First Read says there are "no major voting irregularities."

In other words, John Kerry probably won Ohio after all!

In Selma, McCain addressed a crowd of 100, featuring maybe a dozen black people who all support Barack Obama. Now today in Youngstown, McCain visits a selection of downtrodden metal workers whose loving images will be recorded in sepia-toned daguerrotypes, the way God intended. Meanwhile the bitter voters of Ohio feast on their possum stew and cast their ballots for Hillary Clinton, but John McCain doesn't care because It's Time For Action.

In Selma, McCain Recalls Civil Rights March [ABC News]
It's Time For Action Tour [John McCain 2008]

The political journalist next to me says that his friend in the traveling Clinton press corps was at least an hour to an hour-and-a-half late for this deal. Here's the traveling press corps reserved space, which they will not let me or any other "writer" into. Liz Glover, however, is somehow in the traveling press corps space right now.

OH AND IT STEPH TUBBS:

The fundraiser will benefit the Republican National Committee and Congressional candidate David Cappiello. Wonkette Operatives are COMMANDED to sign up for this once-in-a-lifetime event and get photographic evidence of Bush and Kissinger giving each other handjobs under the table while they drink O'Doul's from the hollowed-out skulls of Vietnamese babies.

President to visit Kissinger in Connecticut [AP via Newsday]

1. Bill Clinton's labor secretary, Robert Reich, just endorsed Obama. Even more insulting: He did it on the Huffington Post blog.
2. The latest Newsweek nationwide poll shows Obama ahead of Hillary by nearly 20 points — they were just about even only a month ago.
3. That same poll shows that BitterGate and BosniaGate were great successes for Team Hillary: Just four in ten voters "view the New York senator as honest and trustworthy," compared to 61% who say the same thing about Obama.
4. Barry also picked up "Democratic elder statesmen, former Sens. Sam Nunn and David Boren, who will serve as advisers on Obama's National Security Foreign Policy team."
5. These guys are also "Former White Southern Senators."
6. So the grand Superdelegate gains after