Wonkette

* Heard on the Hill: Marsha Blackburn’s daughter wants to be something called the “Oyster Easter Queen.” … Jon Voight spotted outside the offices of Norm Coleman flossing… House Foreign Affairs Committee craigslist ad: fake! [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Barbara Harrison said “shit” on the tv the other night. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Max Baucus swung into action when a staffer became ill and, uh, helped call 911 and get water and stuff… Borat’s gonna be at WHCA dinner. [Examiner]
* Shenanigans: The Webb gun thing might affect DC voting rights or something… Al Franken needs your money. [Politico]

The Minnesota Republican Party, desperate to hold on to Norm Coleman’s Senate seat, is banking on one thing: the inability of Minnesotans to understand the concept of “a joke.” They’ve released a “research briefing” detailing precisely why Al Franken is an evil communist hell-bent on the destruction of your way of life. Also, he wants to kill old people:

The briefing leaves a couple things out, of course. Like the notorious 1983 incident in which Franken and an unknown accomplice bungled the hanging of an endangered gorilla while working as Amtrak baggage handlers. MORE »

Al Franken announced his candidacy for Senate today in quite sincere Web video that mostly focused the ways government aid had helped his in-laws. We would have preferred that he did the entire speech in his comical Borscht Belt imitation of his father’s accent, but we’re shallow like that. MORE »

Al Franken — who was funny once, we swear — has decided to lose the campaign for US Senator from Minnesota. MORE »

* You do know what happens if you just assume everyone hates Cheney more than Bush, don’t you? [Election Central]
* O’Reilly checks the mirror at 8 and 11:30 EST. [Just a Bump in the Beltway]
* Nothing gets Orrin Hatch harder than watching Alberto Gonzalez busting pornographers on the internets. [Unclaimed Territory]
* Chinese “satellite killer” missiles target only military assets — iPod and Xbox ordering infrastructure remains unscathed. [Defense Tech]
* Straight from the home office in Phoenix, Arizona: tonight’s top 15 things John McCain is doing to turn himself into a pandering cartoon. [The Carpetbagger Report]
* Al Franken appeals to “Minnesota Nice” voters by actually running as Stuart Smalley. [Wizbang Politics]
* Bob Ney would start cracking beers in the morning even before the glue on his head was dry. [TPM Muckraker]

• No matter what she says, Cindy Sheehan has no, and will never have, a reason to go to Norway. [Sweetness & Light]

• Christopher Hitchens has a disease, and the cure is a strict regimen of shut-the-fuck-up. [Ezra Klein]
• “We may be looking at emerging evidence of a homosexual recruitment ring that operated on Capitol Hill.” [Accuracy In Media]
• Oh hell yeah, it’s what we’ve been waiting for: $150,000 a year for being born American. U-S-A! U-S-A! [Hit & Run]
• Pentagon reporters will get a mea culpa from Rumsfeld — after they squeeze it from his cold dead lips. [Power Line]
• White House thankful baseball players are lousy pilots, giving us a chance to show how “ready” America is to defend condos. [HuffPo]
• Al Franken isn’t even as funny as he looks. [Galley Slaves]
• Terrorism confessions to surge as government now offers acid to detainees. [TPMMuckraker]
• Bill O’Reilly, flag peddler, doesn’t wear his own products and likes to keep his $1500 suits pinhole free while supporting the terrorists. [Media Matters]

Intern Nick is on vacation this week (along with the rest of DC), so your dedicated editors had to compile this edition of Washington’s favorite unverified stalking guide all by themselves. Pity us, and learn where Helen Thomas eats, and the places Robert Novak has been known to walk by. Also: did you know that C-Span anchors are celebrities? Brian Lamb sure didn’t! That was the week that was, after the jump.

MORE »

* More discussion of “Rush Limbaugh’s penis” and the Dominican hookers he’s been sticking it in. [The Republic of T] MORE »

An ad running on Talking Points Memo:

Either some ad copywriter didn’t quite understand the reference he was making here, or Al knows something the people of Vermont don’t. MORE »

• Washington Whispers: Al Gore insists he is not running president. . . Rep. Jim Nussle (R), frontrunner in Iowa’s gubernatorial race, has received donations from potential ‘08 contenders. [USN&WR]
• Inside the Beltway: DNC hand-delivers 160,000 separate FOIA requests about spying to the Justice Department. . . Christopher Hitchens, Grover Norquist, Wayne LaPierre, Bob Barr spotted at Old Town Alexandria’s Landini Brothers restaurant. [WT]
• Inside Politics: White House is searching for all of the photos that show Bush with Jack Abramoff. [WT]
• Lloyd Grove’s Lowdown: Al Franken expects help from Hillary Clinton if he runs for Senate: “She totally gets it. She’s got a great, goofy sense of humor.” [NYDN]