Tag Archives: top

  E Plebnista

WND Had A Most Cunning Plan To Stop Obama With Constitution, Except For One Tiny Detail: The Constitution

Judson Phillips, founder of Tea Party Nation and a guy who just loves the Constitution of the United States so much that he wakes up every morning with patriojizz all over his 2nd-amendment footie pajamas, published a brilliant plan the other day that had the potential to actually save America from the tragedy of national suicide represented by the reelection of gay black crack addict Barack Hussein Obama. And the best part about it? The plan invoked a Top Secret Loophole in the Constitution itself to save the Constitution! How neat is that? And it would have worked, too, if it weren’t for that darn Constitution. Still, you have to admit he is one earnest little teabagger: We have one last, final chance to save America. We have one last, final chance to stop Barack Obama. One final chance. So if you believe in the Constitution Fairy, clap your hands!!! Read more on WND Had A Most Cunning Plan To Stop Obama With Constitution, Except For One Tiny Detail: The Constitution…
  sexytime

Strippers Score Hot Legal Victory Over Terrible Rhino

Here at Wonkette, we take our goal of bringing you Very Serious Legal News very seriously. Whether it is politicians getting busted for the sexytime, politicians getting busted for the sexytime, or politicians getting busted for the sexytime, we here at Wonkette are ON it. Sometimes sexytime isn’t so sexy, though! Sometimes ladies who deliver the sexytime to the lonely menz at the improbably named Spearmint Rhino chain of strip clubs get completely screwed over, and not in the fun way: Two women who danced at the Spearmint Rhino in Oxnard launched the suit: Christeen Rivera and Tracy Dawn Trauth. They claimed they were wrongly treated as independent contractors rather than employees entitled to benefits. They sought back wages, tips, attorney fees and damages. According to the suit, the women each earned an average of $500,000 a year in tips for lap and table dances. But the dancers alleged most of the money went to the club to cover “rent,” the disc jockey, stage fees, overhead costs and even penalties if they didn’t get enough men to purchase drinks during a shift. Read more on Strippers Score Hot Legal Victory Over Terrible Rhino…
  judicial restraints

New Birther Judge Gary Kreep: Gays Threw Pus And Come On Me

Did you know that in many states there are judicial elections? And that those judicial elections are a pathway for really exceptional conspiracy-driven wingnuts, rather than your garden-variety wingnut, to ascend to positions of power? And it is almost impossible to get rid of them once they are elected? You do now!! Democracy, California-style, has given us soon-to-be Judge Gary G. Kreep of San Diego. There is no doubt that yr Wonkette Junior is aware of the delightful aptness of Mr. Kreep’s moniker. Even more delightful: Mr. Kreep’s opponent in his titanic election struggle was a gentleman named Mr. Garland Peed. But, San Diegoaneans, why elect the qualified when you can elect the crazy? USA! USA! It is your god-given right to ignore this guy: For nearly 30 years, Peed has been a capable prosecutor. Everybody who’s worked with him likes him. He racked up every serious endorsement imaginable, from DA Bonnie Dumanis to Sheriff Bill Gore, from the San Diego police and county deputies unions to the judge whose seat he would have filled. Why choose likable or competent for your judge-type-person when instead you can have Kreep, who has sought to rid the world of homosexuals, abortioneers, messicans, Barack Obama, Hilary Clinton, and Teddy Kennedy. Mr. Kreep might seem like a veritable titan of intolerance, but Mr. Kreep is just being targeted by those meddling gays: Kreep paints himself as a victim, saying he received death threats and that the city assigned six police officers to protect him at [San Diego Human Rights Commission] meetings. He also claims that, during the meetings, he was “bombarded with used condoms and pus and blood soaked cotton balls” flung by his opponents. Read more on New Birther Judge Gary Kreep: Gays Threw Pus And Come On Me…
  today in capitalism

A Children’s Treasury of CEOs Throwing Very Grown-Up Tantrums Over Obamacare

If we were the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company, we would happily make ten cents less per unit in order to make sure that our employees have health care coverage. This would be DOUBLY true if we were the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company in the food industry, given that we would not want our employees coming to work sick and touching all the food with their germ-infested hands and then giving the germ-infested food to our customers. But this attitude is probably why we are not the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company, because duh you don’t get rich by giving away ten cents so that your employees can get chemotherapy when they have cancer. Here is a lesson on capitalism and profitability courtesy four companies that refuse — REFUSE — to make sure that their employees are not handling your food with their tubercular hands. Unless of course, someone is willing to pay the price. They have standards, you see! And principles! And those principles say that by God, they aren’t going to adjust profits or prices by ten cents per unit so that their employees can get health care. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of CEOs Throwing Very Grown-Up Tantrums Over Obamacare…
  love it or leave it

Alabama Fella Pretty Much Started Petition ‘Cause Fascist Gubmint Shut Down His Nudie Carwash

Lots of red-blooded US Merkins love America so much they want to LEAVE IT (because Kenyan Mooslim Sharia Oppression and such). But one such patriot is a little more interesting! Sup, guy who started Alabama’s secession petition Derrick Belcher, 45, of “Chuncula”? “Blah blah libertarianism, RON PAUL!!!1!, freedom, not-racist, hard-working, etc.” Oh yes, here it is: “It’s economics -– just that simple,” he said. “I’m working poor. And I work -– I’ve never taken a dime from the government. I’ll starve before I take a handout. That’s what being a true American is all about.” Belcher blamed the government for shutting down his former business. Belcher said his Euro Details car wash, which featured topless women, was successful for a decade on Halls Mill Road in Mobile. But he said he was arrested and charged with obscenity by city officials in 2001. “The government ripped my business away, and now they’re choking America to death with rules and regulations,” he said. Read more on Alabama Fella Pretty Much Started Petition ‘Cause Fascist Gubmint Shut Down His Nudie Carwash…
  the rich are different from you and me they pay no taxes

Great GOP Hope Marco Rubio: Let’s Just Go Ahead and Let Rich People Do Whatever

Marco Rubio, who we have been told is the New Face of the Republican party, has a brilliant take on solving the so-called fiscal cliff: let’s just go ahead and let rich people do whatever they want because they’ll hire a  bunch of lawyers and do what they want no matter what so we might as well go with it. This, dear reader, is his actual policy position on the tax code: Read more on Great GOP Hope Marco Rubio: Let’s Just Go Ahead and Let Rich People Do Whatever…
  mavericky

John McCain Continues To Be A Bitter Old Idiot

You know who is so mad about the attack on the American consulate in Benghazi, and how Barack Obama sat around in the SitRoom, eating popcorn and demanding the CIA stand down and let our ambassador, Christopher Stevens, die and get dragged through the streets*? John McCain is so mad about it! He is so mad about it he is even willing to spout fart-scented nonsense from his poo-crusted old man mouth. BUT THEN B. Barry Bamz gave a press conference in which he reminded everyone about 45 times that, in fact, he had won the election and he is the president and y’all might wanna shut your fool poo-mouths, and also he would like to challenge John McCain to go mano a mano, old man! Well neither Lindsey Graham nor John McCain were taking any sass or guff from that one, and immediately started running around with their hair on fire. (But mostly Miss Lindsey.) So what was going on at the very same time as all these many displays of manly cockness? Oh, just the very security briefings on Benghazi that McCain was angrily demanding. Really! At the very same time! Read more on John McCain Continues To Be A Bitter Old Idiot…
  buh-bye

Mitt Romney Drops By To Make Sure You Still Loathe Him

Mitt Romney was lonely. A week after the election, and all anybody was laughing at was Karl Rove and Fox News and Dick Morris and Gallup, and people had kind of forgotten Mitt himself, the onetime standard-bearer of the GOP. Had he himself not shit the bed? Was he not the master of his own destiny? How come nobody was blaming him for the Republican Party smashing itself to pieces? Well, the Tea Party was, but did they even count, with their manmade, unbreathable fabrics and their slipcovered couches? No, for Mitt Romney to be blamed properly, it must be by the Elite, not the anti-government warriors scraping by month to month on their disability checks. Read more on Mitt Romney Drops By To Make Sure You Still Loathe Him…
  our hero

Barack Obama Will Punch Graham’s and McCain’s Lights Out Probably, He Is So Mad About Them Slagging Susan Rice

Earlier we brought you the BREAKING NEWS that Senator John McCain is a puckered old asshole, and also why he is full of poo. B. Barry Bamz responded to McCain’s typical slurring of UN Ambassador Susan Rice in his press conference today by going all HULK SMASH and practically challenging McCain and his partner in E-vil, Miss Lindsey Graham, to fisticuffs! Here is a thought problem for our Internet friends: Was it SEXISMS by Barack Obama to get all het up on Rice’s behalf? Like, we cannot imagine him being so ruffled and dandery and whatnot if it were, say, Simon Rice under attack? The answer, of course, is YES it is sexisms. But it is our Barry O, so it is okay? Read more on Barack Obama Will Punch Graham’s and McCain’s Lights Out Probably, He Is So Mad About Them Slagging Susan Rice…
  long cons

A Shady Charity, Millions In Debt, And ‘Diplomatic Inviolability’: Tampa’s Good-Time Kelley Sisters Are Perfect Republicans

It’s completely not fair that we in the media have now turned our considerable interest on the Kelley sistren. All they did was either get some shitty emails from a presumed nutzoid Internet stalker, or be related to someone who got some shitty emails from a presumed nutzoid Internet stalker, and now here we are and the Kelley Girls are the worst people in the entire world, or as we like to call them, ur-Republicans. Let us delve deep into the grotesque and typically GOP-pish misdeeds of these awful people, who are frickin’ perfect in every way. Read more on A Shady Charity, Millions In Debt, And ‘Diplomatic Inviolability’: Tampa’s Good-Time Kelley Sisters Are Perfect Republicans…
  Whine and Jesus Party

A Children’s Treasury of Random Wingnut Post-Election Butthurt (Part Douche)

As we have already pretty much established, America is Over Now, so all that’s left is just sitting around and waiting for the last few remaining embers of Freedom to burn out. If we’re really lucky, the Ancient Mayans or Space Jebus will just smash the Earth and be done with it. So let us see what further Elevated Whining there is to review. To start with, there’s Orson Scott Card, the Mormon propagandist / anti-ghey crusader / science fiction writer who wrote one pretty good novel (OK, and his early stories were often quite nice, too) but has of late declined into a sad, right-wing parody of himself. He has discovered the truly perfidious villains responsible for the reelection of Barack Hussein Obama. You will be astonished to know that it’s all the fault of the Liberal Media! Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Random Wingnut Post-Election Butthurt (Part Douche)…
  r-e-s-p-e-c-t

Obama Tried To Call Mitch McConnell And John Boehner On Election Night, But They Lied That They Were Sleeping

Why does that dastardly Nobumer keep refusing to work with Republicans, except for all those times he tried to pass Cap & Trade (a Republican idea) and Obamacare (a Republican idea) and all those other times too? Like, he doesn’t even call them up on ‘Lection Night to be like, yo, let us try to work together to solve America’s very serious problems, because he is such a dictator! After his speech, Mr. Obama tried to call both Mr. Boehner and the Senate Republican leader, Mitch McConnell, but was told they were asleep. Read more on Obama Tried To Call Mitch McConnell And John Boehner On Election Night, But They Lied That They Were Sleeping…
  trigger warning: schadenfreude

Come, Drink In Delusional Mitt Romney’s Election-Night Sadness With Us

Oh boy, we have now reached our favorite part of the election cycle: the end! It’s great because (a) the stressful part is over and (b) all the low-level staffers for both campaigns start telling secrets to the reporters that they most want to sleep with. And so it was that the lucky folks at CBS, America’s old-person network, got the scoop on the tragic emotional landscape of the Romney-Ryan campaign’s final night, when everyone’s sincere belief in their inevitable victory ran head-first into reality. Join us for a gleefully annotated summary, after the jump! Read more on Come, Drink In Delusional Mitt Romney’s Election-Night Sadness With Us…
  you're welcome

Nice Lady Goes On Epic 23-Minute Potty Rant Because Her Friends Didn’t Share Her Romney Posts On Facebook

The fact that shellymicAB’s Youtube rant is unembeddable is a crime against Wonkette. But for those of you who have been begging us to repeat our billion-post Tuesday schedule so as to keep schadening your Freude (unaware that we conducted Election Day, like the Iraq War, “off-budget”), well, here should be the happiest 25 minutes of your life. “Headphones up!” as the people with jobs say! [YouTube] Read more on Nice Lady Goes On Epic 23-Minute Potty Rant Because Her Friends Didn’t Share Her Romney Posts On Facebook…
  who's the job creator now jerks

A Children’s Treasury Of Job Applications For Defeated GOP Wingnuts

Oh, yeah, sure, say Obama “saved the economy” or whatever, and maybe unemployment is “on the way down,” by and large, if you’re into numbers or blah blah blah, but listen up, little Cleverpants you, because there are people who lost their jobs not two days ago. They are Republicans, booted out the door by an electorate that for some reason has a problem with politicians being completely off their gourds. They were not nice fellows (and yes, they are all fellows), and they had policies that were… not so great. And now they are unemployed, and sad. But this is America, where we encourage people to pull themselves up by their bootstraps! Take personal responsibility for themselves, and not be 47-percenters! We don’t have to worry about Unemployed Mitt Romney, as he can just crawl under his quilt of unreleased tax returns and whistle the days away, collecting dollars, but other Republicans may fall on hard times when their government paychecks don’t show up. We’ve found some jobs for them, to help them out of the slavery of government dependency. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Job Applications For Defeated GOP Wingnuts…
  blowvember

NJ Sen. Bob Menendez Proves Old Truism: Dude, Pay Your Hookers

New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez, repeat after us: Pay your hookers. Pay your hookers. PAY YOUR GODDAMN HOOKERS. Maybe you thought $100 was enough for working gals in the Dominican Republic. If that is so, you should have told them that UP FRONT instead of agreeing to $500 and then only forking over a lousy Benjie. (The possibility that the “intermediary” who paid the women kept the difference is not aired in Tucker Carlson’s D&C. We will bring up that possibility now. Because obviously, the moral question here is not whether the 58-year-old divorced Menendez availed himself of the erotic services of a couple of consenting adults making a living, but whether he PAID HIS GODDAMN HOOKERS.) Read more on NJ Sen. Bob Menendez Proves Old Truism: Dude, Pay Your Hookers…