Tag Archives: tom vilsack

  may i have some more?

Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions: Are There No Workhouses?

The Daily Caller has an uncharacteristically non-shitty (we mean, it’s not totally non-shitty, but it definitely downplays the shittiness) story about the number of children who are getting government food assistance. That number is more than one in four, which is a lot of families who otherwise might not have food on them! Reporter Caroline May even cites a statistic showing that SNAP and EBT (food stamps y’all) have cut extreme poverty by half! (Extreme poverty is when you live on less than $2 a day. In America.) So do you think some people might have a problem with this? Of course they do, because not letting children starve in the streets is socialisms and indoctrination, everyone knows that. Tell us more, US Senator from the great state of Alabama Jeff Sessions! Read more on Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions: Are There No Workhouses?…
  conspiracy loves company

Andrew Breitbart Says Glenn Beck Helped Him With Shirley Sherrod Vid

When Andrew Breitbart got his hands on a video of a speech on race by a woman named Shirley Sherrod, he knew he could edit it so as to make the NAACP seem racist. It was pretty obvious what was going on, but after wimpy fertilizer king Tom Vilsack got scared and fired her, and the NAACP got scared and attacked her, the media eventually absolved Sherrod of the dumb, baseless charges against her. These days, Breitbart is still trying to attack Sherrod and the alleged “corruption” he uncovered in this mess, but he’s pretty much being ignored as the fraud he is. So now he’s trying to bring Glenn Beck down with him, because why not? “According to Mr. Breitbart, fellow Tea Partier Glenn Beck first joined him in editing and eviscerating Ms. Sherrod’s 2010 N.A.A.C.P. speech on the radio, before publishing the unedited version on his Web site, discrediting Mr. Breitbart on television and calling for his apology.” Is Breitbart running for a public office: the CALIPHATE? Read more on Andrew Breitbart Says Glenn Beck Helped Him With Shirley Sherrod Vid…
  dump that foia like we dumped that lady

White House Absolutely Loved Shirley Sherrod Firing, Documents Show

Internal e-mails concerning the firing of Shirley Sherrod have been released to media organizations that requested them, and it turns out the USDA and White House acted pretty much like everyone thought they had! “Just wanted you to know that this dismissal came up at our morning senior staff meeting today,” said the White House’s Cabinet liaison, Christopher Lu, who is probably wishing he had a cool signature that would impress everyone reading his now-infamous e-mails. “Everyone complimented USDA on how quickly you took this action.” We hope the Obama administration let the USDA pick out a sticker for doing such a good job firing that innocent lady! Also interesting: the USDA took note of what your Wonkette said about the Sherrod video, but failed to take our position that the video was not actually a big deal and was just Breitbart race-baiting. Whoops! Read more on White House Absolutely Loved Shirley Sherrod Firing, Documents Show…
  must obey the blackberry phone

Vilsack Says He Tried Quitting, And That Immigrants Fondle Your Cheap Food

Tom Vilsack has had some not-fun times lately, according to prominent body language experts, due mostly to that one time he fired Shirley Sherrod for being racist because Andrew Breitbart told him to. Like many Washington politicians looking for redemption do, Vilsack gave his side of the story in a long talk with the Politico, a pioneering magazine founded by Andy Warhol that prints interviews of insiders by insiders, edited in an eclectic style. Tom tells fellow raconteur Roger Simon about some fascinating stuff: about how Rahm Emanuel won’t let him go back to Iowa in shame; about how all political decisions in Washington are made two lines of BlackBerry screen text at a time; and about his plans for violent suicide. Read more on Vilsack Says He Tried Quitting, And That Immigrants Fondle Your Cheap Food…
  looking fiiiiiine gurl

Shirley Sherrod Displays Best Body Language Ever In Vilsack Press Conference

Oh look, our pal Shirley finally ended her well-deserved weeks of R&R to hold a press conference with Ag Secretary Tom Vilsack-of-poop about him groveling to get her to come back to the USDA. She decided not to take the job, because who wants to work for Tom Vilsack? That’s not exactly titillating news, but what was funny was the body language these two showed in this press conference, and thus we had to make multiple Blingees documenting it. Read more on Shirley Sherrod Displays Best Body Language Ever In Vilsack Press Conference…
  what color is her parachute

Shirley Sherrod Doesn’t Want Terrible Job Fixing Racism Everywhere

Tom “The Sack” Vilsack has finally finished going through the Agriculture Department’s HR files, looking for some kind of job he could give to Breitbart victim Shirley Sherrod, to make everyone stop saying such mean things about him continuously. Obviously he couldn’t simply give her the old job back, as this is what’s known as a “lateral move” and it would look bad on her résumé, and obviously Vilsack cares for nothing more than the health of Sherrod’s career. What sort of job could he give her that would really be a step up … think, Sack-Man, think … wait! What if she were promoted to a gig where she fought the very racism that caused all this trouble in the first place? I’ll bet she’d love that! Read more on Shirley Sherrod Doesn’t Want Terrible Job Fixing Racism Everywhere…
  weepers unite

Weepy Glenn Beck Can Be Your Wingman Anytime

You know how at the end of Top Gun, Iceman (Val Kilmer) still doesn’t agree with Maverick (Tom Cruise) on just about anything, but he has a renewed respect for his wild and woolly unorthodox style, plus everything is very gay? Today, like every day, we are all Val Kilmer. And surprise! Your new Tom Cruise is Glenn Beck. (Because of Shirley Sherrod.) Read more on Weepy Glenn Beck Can Be Your Wingman Anytime…
  what's the donna brazile angle?

Wolf Blitzer Gets Right To the Heart of Shirley Sherrod Scandal

Have you been waiting up all day and night for Washington firebrand Wolf Blitzer’s take on the whole Shirley Sherrod bogus wingnut video White House embarrassment outrage scandal thing, on Wolf Blitzer’s Twitter? Here, America. Now heal. [Wolf Blitzer’s Twitter] Read more on Wolf Blitzer Gets Right To the Heart of Shirley Sherrod Scandal…
  sacks

White House Apologizes To Shirley Sherrod (Still Like Cowards)

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs apologized to Shirley Sherrod “on behalf of this entire administration” in his daily briefing, which Sherrod “watched live on CNN.” Gibbs said Vilsack is “trying to reach her” to talk and apologize to her. Sherrod, like a true champ, said the administration has her phone number and knows how to get in touch. As of now, Tom Vilsack is still your Secretary of Agriculture and Shirley Sherrod has no job. Read more on White House Apologizes To Shirley Sherrod (Still Like Cowards)…
  of course he did yo

Michael Steele Caught Trying To Hide $7 Million In RNC Debt

RNC Treasurer Randy Pullen dropped a line to members of the party’s budget committee yesterday just to let them know Michael Steele has hidden about $7 million in debt from him lately. This made the RNC’s “war chest” (boobs) look bigger than usual, so this was a job well done by Mike. However, that is not exactly legal, so the party could face huge fines from the Federal Election Commission for doing this. Fun! Hope that $7 million in debt was spent on only the best lesbian sex shows! Read more on Michael Steele Caught Trying To Hide $7 Million In RNC Debt…
  we have found a matching heart to give cheney

Breitbart: Is the Farmer’s Wife Really His Wife?

It took more than a day for the media to figure out that Andrew Breitbart was just making a dumb ploy to make the NAACP look racist for a video that wasn’t damning at all. Somehow they did not know he was terrible and hates reality and does not care whose life he ruins in the name of being a poop-leech. But now this has happened, and he has of course decided to use the moment to get himself on the teevee even though he has absolutely no ground to stand on. His solution: How does one know anything is true? DO NOT TRY TO GO ALVIN GREENE ON US, SCUMBAG. Read more on Breitbart: Is the Farmer’s Wife Really His Wife?…
  yeah good job everybody

White House Really Happy It Avoided a ‘Media Circus’ With Shirley Sherrod’s Firing

And how did the White House managers react to Shirley Sherrod being fired from the USDA because Andrew Breitbart fucked around with a video he found somewhere? High Fives all around, according to Politico’s Ben Smith. During Tuesday morning’s staff meeting, White House deputy chief of staff Jim Messina reportedly said, “We could have waited all day — we could have had a media circus — but we took decisive action and it’s a good example of how to respond in this atmosphere.” Uh, yeah dude. [Ben Smith] Read more on White House Really Happy It Avoided a ‘Media Circus’ With Shirley Sherrod’s Firing…
  it's morning in america

Non-Racist Lady Maybe Doesn’t Want Her Job Back, Jerks

If you were not up late last night you may not have read Jack Stuef’s epic and important jeremiad on the subject of Shirley Sherrod and her unnecessary journey under the bus, courtesy of the people in the Obama Administration who threw her there. Go, on read, it, then come back here for some maybe mildly good news! Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack (Sherrod’s boss) is taking time out of his busy schedule of wandering around ComicCon in his “sexy Winnie the Pooh” outfit to “conduct a thorough review and consider additional facts” in this stupid and maddening case. Now she is not entirely sure she wants to go back and work for her former employers, though, because, you know, they were dicks. Read more on Non-Racist Lady Maybe Doesn’t Want Her Job Back, Jerks… Read more on Non-Racist Lady Maybe Doesn’t Want Her Job Back, Jerks…
  profiles in banal unnecessary cowardice

Tom Vilsack Fires Shirley Sherrod As the Summer of Firings Over Nothing Continues

Yesteday, we linked to a dumb attempt by human poop-leech Andrew Breitbart to paint the NAACP as racist hypocrites. Wow, that certainly was silly! Everyone can see how silly that was! Oh no? Not everyone? Right, our modern political discourse requires us to treat baseless incendiary attacks by scumbags as serious while treating the actual things that matter as unimportant. SORRY, WE FORGOT. You know who treats the drivel Andrew Breitbart says seriously? Not nobody. Just the NAACP and USDA Secretary Tom Vilsack and also the Obama administration, the most powerful thing in the country. OH, THEM. Read more on Tom Vilsack Fires Shirley Sherrod As the Summer of Firings Over Nothing Continues…
  poor people suck

Republicans Now Furious About Dept. of Agriculture Buying Some Food For Starving Americans

You know who sucks? Poor jobless hungry people in America, that’s who! The famous wingnut blog “The Drudge Report” got some GOP people very, very excited because Drudge posted something suggesting the government spent $1.2 million to purchase “two pounds of ham.” TALK ABOUT PORK SPENDING, HEY-O! But, according to sad pooh-bear agriculture secretary Tom Vilsack, “the contract in question purchased 760,000 pounds of ham for $1.19 million, at a cost of approximately $1.50 per pound.” Read more on Republicans Now Furious About Dept. of Agriculture Buying Some Food For Starving Americans…
  commissioner of sewers

Oh Wait It’s VILSACK For Secretary of Agriculture

Democratic Superstar Tom Vilsack nearly won the nomination, until he dropped out in … what, 2006? No, it was February 2007 — almost two years ago! And he endorsed Hillary. So she paid off his campaign debt, which wasn’t really very much as his campaign consisted solely of old props from a local high-school musical version of 1984. Read more on Oh Wait It’s VILSACK For Secretary of Agriculture…
 

Vilsack Takes Dive, Makes Bank

March 26: Tom Vilsack endorses Hillary Clinton. March 27: “Sen. Clinton To Pay Off Vilsack’s Campaign Debt” We at Wonkette are thrilled to announce our support for Senator Clinton in her presidential thingy and hope she goes on to serve 500 terms as Presidentrix of Greater North Amexicanado. Read more on Vilsack Takes Dive, Makes Bank…
 

Loser Who Dropped Out Praises Own Determination

Did you hear? Tom Vilsack, the lovable plain-spoken totalitarian furry who was once our next president until he realized he had no money and no one knew who he was just endorsed Hillary Clinton! This is the first sentence of his email: Read more on Loser Who Dropped Out Praises Own Determination…
 

Vilsack Short Bus Screeches To a Halt

As far as sight gags go, Tom Vilsack was a dream candidate. We already miss him so very much, even if everybody else pretty much hates him: * The Las Vegas Review-Journal mocks him for this conference-call quote: “When you’re the child of an alcoholic, probably the worst thing is when you feel like you’ve disappointed people …. I’m going to have to deal with that.” * Real Clear Politics mocks The Sack for blaming a lack of campaign money when the real problem was a lack of an interesting or compelling candidate. * Reason mocks Our Favorite Furry for the same thing, with commenters calling him “personality challenged,” with “all the charisma of melted ice cream” and “makes people think of a ballsack.” Read more on Vilsack Short Bus Screeches To a Halt…
 

We Gave Vilsack ‘Buzz’ & He Still Bailed

After a long successful run of endorsing winners like George McGovern, Walter Mondale, Al Gore and John Kerry, the magazine Rolling Stone implied back in November that Tom Vilsack might survive with a little buzz help from Wonkette. Read more on We Gave Vilsack ‘Buzz’ & He Still Bailed…
 

John McCain’s Terrifying New Website

JohnMcCain.com relaunched today, and it looks like WALNUTS! is trying to give Tom Vilsack a run for his money in the “unnerving design” department. While Vilsack trades in totalitarian motifs, McCain prefers a dark neo-noir kinda thing, with just a hint of the dictatorial. And a huge, scary picture of him staring at you in great suspicion with angry eyes and clenched teeth. Ok, ok, we’ll vote for you! Just please let our family go, they’re not the ones you want! Read more on John McCain’s Terrifying New Website…