Stately, plump Tom DeLay unceremoniously took a sabbatical from Dance, Star, Dance! back when he hurt… his… clavicle (?). Anyway, for the season finale of the teevee show DeLay and the one they call “Cheryl” danced some more because of all the demand that they do exactly that. What will Tom DeLay do for attention now that television has also turned its sequinless, inelegant back on Dance? Worry not! He has that Millionare thing! And—fingers crossed!—Twitter, probably. He will probably also audition for Twitter. [YouTube]

Histrionic criminal Tom DeLay is not quite ready to leave you and your television alone already! Since the FCC criminalized his hip gyrations on Dance, Star, Dance, he will now join Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. He will play an “Expert”—for serious—to whom contestants will get to pose questions during their “lifelines.” At least it sounds like there will be fewer sequins involved this time around, so there’s that… [TV Newser]

When the producers told Tom DeLay not to dance, Tom DeLay danced. When the Cheryl person was like, “Seriously… just. You know what, it’s really okay?” Tom DeLay danced on. When the doctors reminded DeLay of his equal parts vague and debilitating foot injury, Tom DeLay chose samba, not fear. But the ambiguity of the foot injury has simply become too much to bear! And now he hath danced too much and there is no more dancing left in the world. DeLay: “If you can’t practice you’ll make a fool out of yourself out here, and I don’t want to do that to Cheryl.” No… avoid that for sure. [HuffPost]

Do you know how many candy canes were killed in order to make Tom DeLay’s dance outfit he wore on the dancing show the other night? This is a rough estimate, but… ~all of them. Anyway, bitchin’ rhinestone elephant decal on the back! It really catches the light, especially when Tom DeLay throws his arms up, mid-samba, to throw what appears to be dollar bills at his dance partner, a Job-like figure named Cheryl Dance. Ooh, and note how the light show is in red, white and blue, the official colors of candy canes who have been murdered. [YouTube]

Yes yes yes yes. Tom DeLay’s second appearance on the the dancey weight-loss pyramid scheme show was last night! How big of a success was it, using DANCE as a metric? Let’s just say “mazurka”! It is crucial that you watch this video immediately, as towards the end, Tom DeLay nearly drops the Cheryl lady on her skull, and every time the video is played, it looks like he gets closer and closer to actually doing it. Anyway, watch Cheryl and Tom flail around to a harsh-sounding tango—a performance that earned them 18 sequins out of 30 feathers. [POLITICO]

• The FBI is doing that thing again where it suggests that everyone to get the seriously get the fuck away from any hotels or stadiums, while at the same time claiming that there have been no “specific” threats against specific places like “stadiums” and “hotels.” [CNN]
• South Korea has finally OK’ed the sale of the iPhone, the North Korea of Apple products. [Wall Street Journal]
• Obama has impressed his new U.N. friends by doing the mature thing and admitting that maybe, yes, fine, the U.S. isn’t completely uninvolved in polluting the Earth. And yeah, we’re all super committed to not doing this anymore, mmhmm. [Los Angeles Times]
• Obama’s deal with The Pharmaceuticals—in which America would save like $80 billion on drugs in the next decade—is hated by every single person ever, plus Chuck Grassley, on principle. [New York Times]
• The “Tom DeLay episode” of Dancing With the Stars was the show’s least popular season-opener ever, except for its first season, back when no one even knew what it was and Tom DeLay was still a common street thug yet to be touched by the redemptive power of dance. [Washington Post]

How many times did you vote for Tom DeLay last night? Did you hit your quota of eight?? He will continue to do pelvic thrusts in thigh-hugging formica (?) bellbottoms until you do. Or until they rip, whichever comes first. … You should probably vote quickly. Anyway, the Troggs! Boss choice, dude. And YES, you, the other one, the one who appears to be nothing more than just a promiscuous taxidermy rug: YES. The Supreme Court of Dance ranked Tom & the one they call “Cheryl” as the fourth best dancers on the entire Earth. [Politico]

Something is very wrong with this Tom DeLay appearance on Dancing With The Stars, beyond the surreal fact that it’s even happening, in real life. Some folks have sent us an e-mail to the “Dancing With Delay” mailing list from DeLay’s daughter, Dani DeLay Ferro, who, like her father, does not exactly have a saint’s background. Ferro sends very explicit directions about how to vote for her father EIGHT TIMES, tonight. “Similar to the House of Representatives, the rules are a bit peculiar, so I’ve outlined them below,” she writes, irritatingly. What must these two crooks be plotting, by caring about this so much? MORE »

Tom DeLay’s Tragic Dance Website of Dance has gone Hollywood! Here he is in a brand new welcome foto in which both dance partners appear to be alive. This is a Classy Move! And even though it is a moral certainty he is again wearing ill-fitting swishy pants in this new picture, you cannot see the pants and can only hear the faintest of swishswishswish. [Tom DeLay]

Oh hello, and Willkommen to TomDeLay.com, the number #1 Internet spot for exciting behind-the-scenes DANCE PIXX of fat ghost Tom DeLay adjusting the elastic on his swishy-pant waistband—a task which his dance partner would have helped with, had her batteries not died. Sad. [via Daily Intel]

Is this really what’s happening now? Snarling, hateful criminal Tom DeLay signs up to be a contestant on a teevee celebrity dance show, probably to pay his legal bills, and because he’s “in the news again,” cable news channels invite this well known lying mcliarton onto their shows to tell awful lies about current health care legislation. All that aside, this is quite the comical image: “When I did my town hall meetings, I’ll never forget one back in the ’80s — on health care, by the way. They brought in quadriplegics on gurneys and dumped them on the floor in front of my podium.” DUMPED! MORE »

When you stop to think about it, the only thing preventing Tom DeLay from replacing Karen Finley as the world’s greatest performance artist is the fact that he has never publicly shot yams out of his ass. But now he’s doing the next best thing, which is participating in the hit weight-loss/salsa competition for pudgy Republicans, Dancing with the Stars. MORE »

Everybody thought Rahm Emanuel was going to be such a hard-ass mobster for Barack Obama, but the actual strategy seems to involve Rahm personally saving people all over Washington every day, until everybody in town literally owes their life to Rahm. The superhero chief of staff saved a congressman yesterday, and not just any congressman, either — Emanuel saved the Republican now representing Tom DeLay’s old district! MORE »