Tag Archives: tom delay

  Giggles

Wingnut Gay-Hatin’ Texas A.G. Might Go To Jail Forever Because HAHAHAHAHA

Did baby do a bad bad thing?
Hey, remember that scummy Texas Attorney General, name of Ken Paxton, who had that huge baby tantrum over gay marriage in Texas? That was fun. Turns out he might get to avoid being throatcrammed by gay marriage after all, due to being in jail forever, for being a securities fraudster: Read more on Wingnut Gay-Hatin’ Texas A.G. Might Go To Jail Forever Because HAHAHAHAHA…
  give a dog a bone

Obama Set To Legalize Dog-On-Boy Rape, Says Clinically Sane Tom DeLay

“This is coming. And it’s coming like a tidal wave.” Tom Delay, the former Speaker Majority Leader of the House of Representatives — really, the national one! — knows a tidal wave of coming when he sees one, and the tidal wave of coming that is coming is this here “secret memo” from the Department of Justice that will legalize “the 12 perversions,” including bestiality, pedophilia, raping little boys, and like nine others, depending on whether “pedophilia” and “little boy rape” are the same perversion or, somehow, different ones. Read more on Obama Set To Legalize Dog-On-Boy Rape, Says Clinically Sane Tom DeLay…
  He Can Still Carry His Sword We Guess

Sorry, Rick Perry, No Hand Cannon For You!

Yeeee Haaaa!
Indicted war criminal Rick Perry may face a fate far worse than lynching — he may face separation from his precious beloved guns! while he awaits a conclusion of the case against him. Or at least he’s had some of his precious gun rights limited, which is the same as burying the Second Amendment altogether. According to the Austin American-Statesman (paywalled, but you good Wonkers are WORTH 99 cents!), federal law specifies: Read more on Sorry, Rick Perry, No Hand Cannon For You!…
  rogues gallery

Here Is Your Rick Perry Mugshot And All The Other Great Ones Too

Tuesday was the day for Gov. Rick “Yosemite Sam” Perry to turn himself into the authorities for fingerprinting, mugshot-taking, and general merriment over the extremely thin felony charges he faces over defunding the Travis County Public Integrity Unit. Finally, we would have the answer to the question that has plagued us ever since the charges were announced: Glasses or No Glasses? As you can see above, Yosemite Rick went with No Glasses and a tight grimace that says “I can’t believe I have to put up with this shit,” like a businessman who got pulled over for a DUI after a couple too many bourbons at his Midland country club. Read more on Here Is Your Rick Perry Mugshot And All The Other Great Ones Too…
  faster theocrat

Tom Delay Reminds America That God Wrote The Constitution And George Washington Rose From The Dead

Looks like now that ol’ Tom DeLay’s legal troubles are in the past, he’s busy polishing up his credentials for the next phase of his life on the Wingnut Welfare circuit. In addition to his glee at getting his gun rights restored, here’s another nice bullet point on his résumé: he had a nice little chat with Reverend Matthew Hagee about the True History of the United Jesus States of Godmerica, in which he explained that many of our country’s problems come from the moment when “we allowed our government to become a secular government.” We aren’t quite sure whether he means March 4, 1789, or maybe December 15, 1791. Probably the latter, because even though the Constitution became law in 1789, the First Amendment wasn’t ratified by the states until 1791. You could still make a pretty good case for the earlier date, though, since Article Six already had that line about “no religious test” ever being required for public office. So thanks for the history lesson, Mr. DeLay! Oh, but maybe that’s not what you meant? Well what did you mean? DeLay said that Americans have forgotten “that God created this nation [and] that He wrote the Constitution, that it’s based on biblical principles.” Oh, we see! You meant that you are actually a complete charlatan who is angling for a sinecure somewhere nice, like maybe the Family Research Council or the American Patriarchy Association or Wall Builders. Got it! What color is the sky on your planet? Read more on Tom Delay Reminds America That God Wrote The Constitution And George Washington Rose From The Dead…
  We can be heroes just for one derp

Tom DeLay Ex-Consplains How Real Americans Totally Heart Hero Ted Cruz Actually

Remember that one time Republicans shut down the government and threatened to crash the entire economy because that sumbitch Obama refused to repeal his entire presidency and let Ted Cruz live in the White House? So disrespectful! Who does that guy think he is, some kind of president whose health care reform was signed into law and upheld by the Supreme Court? And remember how the entire country rallied around Sen. Ted Cruz and begged him to impeach Obamacare by any means necessary, and the approval numbers for the entire Republican Party went through the roof, and Americans sent all kinds of love letters to Congress saying, “Thank you so much for saving us from Obamacare, please keep the government shut down forevah!” No? That is not how you remember it? Then you must not live in Real AmericaTM. Read more on Tom DeLay Ex-Consplains How Real Americans Totally Heart Hero Ted Cruz Actually…
  when a man loves a weapon

Tom DeLay Can’t Wait To Conceal His Weapon Again, For Old Times’ Sake

You’ve probably seen those heartwarming videos of soldiers being reunited with their dogs after a long deployment — the surprise, the moment of recognition, the hug, the tears of joy, the happy tail-wagging. We’d like to imagine that a similar scene is going to play out when Tom DeLay, whose conviction on charges of campaign finance violations was overturned on appeal Thursday, is reunited with his own trusty companion: Now that a federal appeals court has acquitted former Rep. Tom DeLay of violating campaign finance laws, he said Thursday he was ecstatic about the return of one constitutional right. “I can get my concealed weapon license back,” the Texas Republican said at a news conference in Washington, D.C. It’s really very touching, this bond between a man and his concealed shooting iron. We aren’t certain if DeLay will release a videotape showing the joyful reunion, or if it will simply be too private, too intimate a moment to share with the rest of the world. Read more on Tom DeLay Can’t Wait To Conceal His Weapon Again, For Old Times’ Sake…
  those weren't the days

Tom Delay Dreams Of The Good Times When You Could Kick Ladies And Homos Around

You’ve no doubt been following the discussions about the Violence Against Women Act super closely, yes? And in doing so, you’ve been thinking “hey, I wonder what disgraced felon quitter angerbear reality show star Tom Delay thinks of this bill a full 7 years after having to step down from the body that can actually consider it?” Wonder no more, Wonkexicans: Read more on Tom Delay Dreams Of The Good Times When You Could Kick Ladies And Homos Around…
  it's morning in america

YAY: More Americans Hearing ‘Mixed News’ About Failing Economy

Here is your weekly economic forecast: John Boehner has been really constipated lately, so please stop asking when he’ll squeeze all of those new jobs out of his anus. Besides, only nerds care about job growth. What’s important is how the public perceives our failing economy. And “24% say they are hearing mostly bad news [about the economy], down 15 points from 39% in early December. The proportion saying they are hearing a mix of good and bad news has jumped from 55% last month to 68%.” Yes, some good news is mixed in with the bad news, maybe! (The good news is that banks repossessed one million homes in 2010. The bad news is that Justin Bieber might get a haircut!) Remember: You will never hear any bad news if you watch Glee all day. [Political Wire] Read more on YAY: More Americans Hearing ‘Mixed News’ About Failing Economy… Read more on YAY: More Americans Hearing ‘Mixed News’ About Failing Economy…
  only browns get the chair

Tom DeLay Sentenced To Three Years In Prison With Himself

Texas judge Pat Priest sentenced DeLay to three years on a conspiracy charge and also sentenced him to five years in prison for money laundering. Priest, however, allowed DeLay to accept 10 years probation on the money laundering charge, assuming he meets certain conditions set by the court. Read more on Tom DeLay Sentenced To Three Years In Prison With Himself…
  it's morning in america

Rich White Guy Tom DeLay Probably Won’t Go To Prison

Tom DeLay is back in court today for the “sentencing phase” of his trial. Although DeLay “faces up to life in prison on the money laundering charge and up to 20 years on the conspiracy charge,” he is also “white” and “eligible for probation.” And apparently many Experts believe he will receive probation. Haha, oh fuck. It would be simply beguiling if Tom DeLay spent even a week in prison, but God hates us so of course this won’t happen. So yeah, just to recap: Tom DeLay is a corrupt public servant who laundered hundreds of thousands of dollars, and now he will probably have to volunteer at his local Humane Society. Meanwhile, some black guy somewhere is spending twenty years behind bars for not calling a police officer “sir.” [AP] Read more on Rich White Guy Tom DeLay Probably Won’t Go To Prison… Read more on Rich White Guy Tom DeLay Probably Won’t Go To Prison…
  task the lobbyist

Jack Abramoff No Longer Working At Zionist Pizza Joint

Jack Abramoff has finished his six-month stint working at Tov Pizza, “a modest kosher pizzeria in a heavily Jewish section of northwest Baltimore” — a job he held down while living in a halfway house following his stint in federal prison for being too good at his job and also ruining Tom DeLay’s beautiful life. So yes, if you purchased a pizza from this place recently, you probably shouldn’t have been charged $7.4 million in various “handling,” “effort,” “anti-pizza-poison” fees. Also, if you caught him in a suite at a Ravens game with his arm around a pepperoni, he should not have been doing that. What he should have been doing is screaming at a teenager, in a kosher manner, to put more cheese on the dough before he passes it to him to put in the oven. Read more on Jack Abramoff No Longer Working At Zionist Pizza Joint…
  pour one out for our homie tomorrow

Tom DeLay Finally Found Guilty of Being Tom DeLay

A jury in Texas (a pile of guns behind the prosecutin’ headquarters) has found Tom Guilty delay of conspiracy and money laundering. Sorry, has found Tom DeLay guilty of conspiracy and money laundering. So even though a few months ago, when the Justice Department cleared him of all charges in the Abramoff case, conservatives were telling us all we should be ashamed for what we did to this poor man, all is right for the world and will now face “between 5 and 99 years in prison,” which is a place better known in Texas as “the musical electric chairs.” “This is an abuse of power,” DeLay said, which is sad, because that man used to love abusing power. Read more on Tom DeLay Finally Found Guilty of Being Tom DeLay…
  thank you

Please Convict Tom DeLay Already

Guess who is going to trial (finally)? Yes, renowned Texas cumsicle Tom DeLay! Anyway, he’s white and the trial is in Texas so obviously he will be acquitted or maybe he’ll get off with thirty hours of community service: Read more on Please Convict Tom DeLay Already…
  it's morning in america

Is This The End Of Walnuts? Eh, Probably Not

What are the fun primaries Americans are going to be forced to vote in, today? In Arizona, Walnuts McCain, having dispensed with his few remaining principles, will almost certainly obliterate huckster infomercial man J.D. Hayworth. In Alaska, the Senate primary fight between Lisa Murkowski and Todd Palin’s snowmobiling buddy is secretly a proxy battle between Sarah Palin and the ghost of Ted Stevens. In Florida, Kendrick Meek will have to defeat a vulgar billionaire for the Democratic nomination to prove that he’s worthy to be Senator from a vulgar, bankrupt state. Also, people are voting in Vermont and Oklahoma, for some reason. Read more on Is This The End Of Walnuts? Eh, Probably Not… Read more on Is This The End Of Walnuts? Eh, Probably Not…
  open up the lockbox of tom delay's hopes and dreams

Will Government Be Forced To Hold a Victory Parade For Tom DeLay?

The SIX-YEAR investigation into Tom DeLay’s ties to lobbyist Jack Abramoff is now over! Hooray Sixth Amendment! The system works! Finally Tom DeLay can get back to his business as House Majority Leader, passing George W. Bush’s Mandate. But seriously, six years? And then, “Oh, whatever bro, we’re not gonna charge you with anything.” The government will probably have to fund Tom DeLay’s campaign to return to the House, and then it will have to fund a lavish parade in Washington welcoming DeLay’s return, for compensation. And also George W. Bush will have to be put back in office, because how else can Tom DeLay pass his fun laws? Read more on Will Government Be Forced To Hold a Victory Parade For Tom DeLay?…
  black friday

THIS Is Tom DeLay’s Last Dance, Not That Other Thing He Said A Month Ago Was His Last Dance

Stately, plump Tom DeLay unceremoniously took a sabbatical from Dance, Star, Dance! back when he hurt… his… clavicle (?). Anyway, for the season finale of the teevee show DeLay and the one they call “Cheryl” danced some more because of all the demand that they do exactly that. What will Tom DeLay do for attention now that television has also turned its sequinless, inelegant back on Dance? Worry not! He has that Millionare thing! And—fingers crossed!—Twitter, probably. He will probably also audition for Twitter. [YouTube] Read more on THIS Is Tom DeLay’s Last Dance, Not That Other Thing He Said A Month Ago Was His Last Dance…
  but what of "cheryl"?!

No One Minds If Tom DeLay Does Another Celebrity Reality Thing Right?

Histrionic criminal Tom DeLay is not quite ready to leave you and your television alone already! Since the FCC criminalized his hip gyrations on Dance, Star, Dance, he will now join Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. He will play an “Expert”—for serious—to whom contestants will get to pose questions during their “lifelines.” At least it sounds like there will be fewer sequins involved this time around, so there’s that… [TV Newser] Read more on No One Minds If Tom DeLay Does Another Celebrity Reality Thing Right?…
  two resignations and counting

Tom DeLay RESIGNS From Dance!

When the producers told Tom DeLay not to dance, Tom DeLay danced. When the Cheryl person was like, “Seriously… just. You know what, it’s really okay?” Tom DeLay danced on. When the doctors reminded DeLay of his equal parts vague and debilitating foot injury, Tom DeLay chose samba, not fear. But the ambiguity of the foot injury has simply become too much to bear! And now he hath danced too much and there is no more dancing left in the world. DeLay: “If you can’t practice you’ll make a fool out of yourself out here, and I don’t want to do that to Cheryl.” No… avoid that for sure. [HuffPost] Read more on Tom DeLay RESIGNS From Dance!…
  achievements in choreography

Why Yes, Tom DeLay *Will* Samba The Shit Out Of “Why Can’t We Be Friends?”

Do you know how many candy canes were killed in order to make Tom DeLay’s dance outfit he wore on the dancing show the other night? This is a rough estimate, but… ~all of them. Anyway, bitchin’ rhinestone elephant decal on the back! It really catches the light, especially when Tom DeLay throws his arms up, mid-samba, to throw what appears to be dollar bills at his dance partner, a Job-like figure named Cheryl Dance. Ooh, and note how the light show is in red, white and blue, the official colors of candy canes who have been murdered. [YouTube] Read more on Why Yes, Tom DeLay *Will* Samba The Shit Out Of “Why Can’t We Be Friends?”…