tom delay

Looks like now that ol’ Tom DeLay’s legal troubles are in the past, he’s busy polishing up his credentials for the next phase of his life on the Wingnut Welfare circuit. In addition to his glee at getting his gun rights restored, here’s another nice bullet point on his résumé: he had a nice little […]

Remember that one time Republicans shut down the government and threatened to crash the entire economy because that sumbitch Obama refused to repeal his entire presidency and let Ted Cruz live in the White House? So disrespectful! Who does that guy think he is, some kind of president whose health care reform was signed into […]

You’ve probably seen those heartwarming videos of soldiers being reunited with their dogs after a long deployment — the surprise, the moment of recognition, the hug, the tears of joy, the happy tail-wagging. We’d like to imagine that a similar scene is going to play out when Tom DeLay, whose conviction on charges of campaign […]

You’ve no doubt been following the discussions about the Violence Against Women Act super closely, yes? And in doing so, you’ve been thinking “hey, I wonder what disgraced felon quitter angerbear reality show star Tom Delay thinks of this bill a full 7 years after having to step down from the body that can actually […]

Noted “furry” enthusiast Bristol Palin has signed on to Dancing With The Stars again, because her five million other reality shows keep getting canceled.

Here is your weekly economic forecast: John Boehner has been really constipated lately, so please stop asking when he’ll squeeze all of those new jobs out of his anus. Besides, only nerds care about job growth. What’s important is how the public perceives our failing economy. And “24% say they are hearing mostly bad news […]

Texas judge Pat Priest sentenced DeLay to three years on a conspiracy charge and also sentenced him to five years in prison for money laundering. Priest, however, allowed DeLay to accept 10 years probation on the money laundering charge, assuming he meets certain conditions set by the court. DeLay could have received up to life […]

Tom DeLay is back in court today for the “sentencing phase” of his trial. Although DeLay “faces up to life in prison on the money laundering charge and up to 20 years on the conspiracy charge,” he is also “white” and “eligible for probation.” And apparently many Experts believe he will receive probation. Haha, oh […]

Jack Abramoff has finished his six-month stint working at Tov Pizza, “a modest kosher pizzeria in a heavily Jewish section of northwest Baltimore” — a job he held down while living in a halfway house following his stint in federal prison for being too good at his job and also ruining Tom DeLay’s beautiful life. […]

A jury in Texas (a pile of guns behind the prosecutin’ headquarters) has found Tom Guilty delay of conspiracy and money laundering. Sorry, has found Tom DeLay guilty of conspiracy and money laundering. So even though a few months ago, when the Justice Department cleared him of all charges in the Abramoff case, conservatives were […]

Guess who is going to trial (finally)? Yes, renowned Texas cumsicle Tom DeLay! Anyway, he’s white and the trial is in Texas so obviously he will be acquitted or maybe he’ll get off with thirty hours of community service: Jury selection is scheduled to begin Tuesday in the trial of former House Majority Leader Tom […]

What are the fun primaries Americans are going to be forced to vote in, today? In Arizona, Walnuts McCain, having dispensed with his few remaining principles, will almost certainly obliterate huckster infomercial man J.D. Hayworth. In Alaska, the Senate primary fight between Lisa Murkowski and Todd Palin’s snowmobiling buddy is secretly a proxy battle between […]

The SIX-YEAR investigation into Tom DeLay’s ties to lobbyist Jack Abramoff is now over! Hooray Sixth Amendment! The system works! Finally Tom DeLay can get back to his business as House Majority Leader, passing George W. Bush’s Mandate. But seriously, six years? And then, “Oh, whatever bro, we’re not gonna charge you with anything.” The […]

Stately, plump Tom DeLay unceremoniously took a sabbatical from Dance, Star, Dance! back when he hurt… his… clavicle (?). Anyway, for the season finale of the teevee show DeLay and the one they call “Cheryl” danced some more because of all the demand that they do exactly that. What will Tom DeLay do for attention […]

Histrionic criminal Tom DeLay is not quite ready to leave you and your television alone already! Since the FCC criminalized his hip gyrations on Dance, Star, Dance, he will now join Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. He will play an “Expert”—for serious—to whom contestants will get to pose questions during their “lifelines.” At least […]