Americans everywhere are so thrilled to hear that Tom Cruise doesn’t hold political ambitions that they’re willing to overlook his absurd claim that he’s “an artist first and foremost.”

Washington is buzzing with another kind of immigration nut as hundreds of UFO nerds congregate at the National Press Club to demand, uselessly, that the Government ‘fess up about the space monsters, while more than 70 actual astronomers gathered here to support the Arecibo Radio Telescope Observatory in Puerto Rico, which sent the Nixon-era message to the Extraterrestrials inviting them to invade our world and steal all the oil. Unless Congress keeps up funding for Arecibo, rogue FBI agents and space aliens could easily penetrate its defenses. Oh, and also, something from Outer Space just crashed in Peru and left a gaping hole in the ground and all the people are sick and vomiting from the Death Rays. MORE »

Tom Cruise-enabling Redskins’ owner Dan Snyder announced he was buying the burger chain Johnny Rockets last month, but massive rats at the Georgetown location have apparently revolted against the purchase. MORE »

What’s a Bush Administration trial without a dose of Scientology? A trial without Tom Cruise, that’s what!

According to testimony in Scooter Libby’s trial, he was super proud of having met Tom Cruise and former beard Penelope Cruz back in 2003. Cruise was in Washington trying to get L. Ron Hubbard elected as God, and Libby was more than happy to meet the tiny movie star.

Libby wasn’t the only Bush Administration bigshot anxious to make Cruise’s dreams come true. Read all the xenutastic details, after the jump.

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* Heard on the Hill: Rep. Jesse Jackson, Jr. makes every member of his staff turn in their resignation, then wait to be rehired… Rep. Mike Pence wore a flashy new suit! He’s running for Minority Leader, so a second suit can’t hurt… Isaac Hayes was on The Hill lobbying for the recording industry. Also, he’s a Scientologist. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Redskins owner/obvious bastard Dan Snyder will be attending Tom Cruise’s cult wedding… More Shelley Sekula-Gibbs, still no details on just how “mean.” [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: As a publicist has already made sure to alert us, Eva Longoria was in town. She told a few jokes at a luncheon or something… Jim McGreevey might be on Joan Rivers’ new show, the Gay View… Freshmen Senators are stuck in the basements of Dirksen and Hart, Bob Corker and Sherrod Brown forced to share copier. [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: George Allen’s sister Jennifer wrote stories even dirtier than Jim Webb’s… Alan Keyes, Rep. Chip Pickering (R-Miss.) and former Rep. Bob Barr (R-Ga.). are all in Borat… Senators-elect Sherrod Brown and Amy Klobuchar are former students of Joe Lieberman at Yale… Rep. Allyson Schwartz (D-Pa.) reports: Congress is like High School! [The Hill]

• Reliable Source: G-town restaurant Nathan’s is closing. Vernon Jordon inconsolable, hotdog-less. [WP]
• Yeas and Nays: Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and Asian Baby are buying a home in Northern Virginia, to be closer to their new benefactor, Redskins owner Dan Snyder… Harvard alums publish first magazine ever to beat off Barack Obama for no reason but not call him a “hottie”… John Boehner says he totally would’ve beat Mark Foely’s ass. Seriously. Just let him try that shit again. If his girl wasn’t here, man… [Examiner]

• Heard on the Hill: Dick Cheney made a funny about shooting Tim Russert in the face. He then repeated his funny to the Senate Republican Conference… The DNC had recruiters outside the Camelot strip club again. On 9/11, natch. [Roll Call]
• Yeas and Nays: Congressional Democrats won a golf tourney against Republicans for the first time ever…. Ken Burns will do a 9/11 documentary, but not any time soon. [Examiner]
• Reliable Source: Learn why the hell Tom Cruise was here. [WP]
• Page Six: Kitty Dukakis is about to publish a book touting the benefits of shock therapy. [NYP]

• Heard on the Hill: Lobbyists both Democratic and Republican are itching to raise money for Senator Joe Lieberman’s reelection campaign. [Roll Call]
• Yeas and Nays: Patrick Gavin’s crush on Tucker Carlson continues unabated with a visit to Tucker’s “Dancing With the Stars” rehearsal. [Examiner]
• Under the Dome: As we reported a week ago, Senator John McCain’s helicopter was not attacked by rockets in Georgia. [The Hill]
• Reliable Source: Tom Cruise madness… A PG County office-seeker is running an ad featuring characters from The Wire. [WP]
• Rush and Molloy: Condoleezza Rice says blacks don’t know how much George W. Bush has done for Africa. [NYDN]

Last night’s Redskins opener was a tasteful, sober celebration of the quiet dignity of American patriotism — just kiddin’! There was flags-a-plenty and Lee Greenwood on the loudspeakers!

Distributing flags to some 90,000 “greater Washington area” football fans who are rabid to start a promising season on the anniversary of 9/11 is a recipe for kitschy patriotism of the highest order. Intern Nick documented the vigorous flag wavin’, but had to end the recording before the spontaneous “U-S-A, U-S-A” chants began, because some things shouldn’t be shown even on the internet.

Despite having God and Country on their side, the Indiginous Americans lost by 3 to the Nordic Sailors.

After the jump, a big picture of Tom Cruise at the game with his scary robot wife and a child who might be his son.

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BREAKING! CRAZY CULT FIGURE TO ATTEND FOOTBALL GAME WITH BRAINWASHED CHILD BRIDE AND ASIAN BABY! MORE »

• The Osama and Kola story comes to the big screen - think “Pretty Woman meets Midnight Express.” [TPMmuckraker]

• Limbaugh guest host believes racial slurs good enough for Stanley Kubrick are good enough for him. [Media Matters]
• They get moral points for trying, but now Time Inc. is giving up and going back to the grey haired fans that adore them. [Romenesko]
• Tom Cruise knows the Germans are suckers for some totalitarianism and he wants in. [The Swamp]
• You thought S.R. Sidarth uses his free time to help orphans and shut-ins? Nope, he spends “at least a few hours a week jacking off to Internet porn,” just like you . [Riehl World View]
• If New York Democratic gubernatorial candidate Tom Suozzi had any chance of winning, he wouldn’t be wasting time with any of our punch-drunk family members. [Gawker]
• New “Google Soapbox” debuts, has conservative slant. [MoJo]
• Federal Air Marshal Service drops dress code, fearing it endangered marshals cover — it’s not the clothes guys, it’s the mustaches. [Captain's Quarters]