Tag Archives: tom coburn

  the white alvin greene

Grizzled Old Coot Will Be Oklahoma’s Next Democratic Senator

Your Wonkette takes its mandate to keep you abreast of any and all wacky political candidates seriously! So today we introduce you to your new boyfriend, assuming you like old dudes who wear baseball caps and have gross-looking beards. Jim Rogers has run for the Democratic Senate nomination in Oklahoma four times, and we all know that the fourth time is the charm, so now he is your nominee. And come November, Tom Coburn’s reign of terror will be over! Read more on Grizzled Old Coot Will Be Oklahoma’s Next Democratic Senator…
  everything's better with monkeys

Why Is Harry Reid Giving His Monkey Friends All The Good Drugs?

By all rights Sharron Angle’s Twitter feed ought to be a nonstop stream of hilarity, full of death threats and theological lunacy and pleas for friendship, but in practice whichever intern has been put in charge of it is heroically clinging to sanity, mostly just posting links to press releases and Angle’s occasional appearances before the lamestream media. This right here is pretty good, though! Why did Harry Reid vote in favor of giving cocaine to monkeys? Doesn’t he know that this is an issue specifically reserved to the states, by the 10th amendment? Read more on Why Is Harry Reid Giving His Monkey Friends All The Good Drugs?…
  today in dana perino blocks

MEAN OLD TOM COBURN BLOCKS DANA PERINO: With Tom Coburn still maintaining a blanket hold on 100+ administration nominees, he is inadvertently ruining everything for America’s Sweetheart, Dana Perino, whom Obamar had selected for the Broadcasting Board of Governors for some strange but ultimately very unimportant reason. Or maybe it’s what Coburn wanted all along; maybe he just hates her and can’t have her ruining the television. [Dave Weigel] Read more on …
  op-art with lauri apple

Tom Coburn Is Just a Sad Lesbian Cat Lady Now

Poor old Tom Coburn was a wingnut proto-teabagger Republican Hero until the other day, when he went INSANE and told a crowd of morons they should maybe not be so hateful and personal about politics, when reasonable people can disagree, etc., and Nancy Pelosi is actually a “nice lady.” Wonkette op-art contributor Lauri Apple takes Coburn’s transformation to its only logical conclusion, and you must see it. Read more on Tom Coburn Is Just a Sad Lesbian Cat Lady Now…
  this is nice to hear

Tom Coburn Tells Town Hall That Nancy Pelosi Is Nice Lady And To Ignore Fox News, Wingnuts Furious

Tom Coburn used to be one of the most conservative senators in the senate, but now that is over. He is a liberal, a communist, and a lesbian, starting this afternoon. Mostly a lesbian, an old lesbian. What he did is tell the folks at a recent town hall that Nancy Pelosi is a “nice lady,” as if she’d never aborted 32 million babies a few weeks ago with her Hammer! This led to some jeering, and then more jeering when he told a lady that the major point of health care reform was not to put people in jail, and that that’s just crap Fox News says to manipulate people, and that people should read a range of news outlets to be properly informed in the national debate. Why is lesbian Tom Coburn such a Muslim? Read more on Tom Coburn Tells Town Hall That Nancy Pelosi Is Nice Lady And To Ignore Fox News, Wingnuts Furious…
  haw haw haw

Polite Senate Republicans Not Trying To Disrupt Reconciliation Process

GUESS WHAT, OUR HEADLINE EMPLOYS SARCASM. Consider Tom “I Am A Doctor Like Howard Dean” Coburn, who has introduced a slew of wacky amendments that will be super-tough for Senate Democrats to vote against, because any change that the Senate makes in this bill would send it back to the House for a new vote. Read more on Polite Senate Republicans Not Trying To Disrupt Reconciliation Process…
  desperation

GOD IT IS JUST SOME BASIC FIXES TO THE INDIVIDUAL INSURANCE MARKET: “Raising the bar on Republican opposition maneuvers in the Senate, Mr. Coburn on Thursday threatened to put future holds on any Democratic House members who switch their vote in favor of the health care bill, lose their election as a result next November, and then are rewarded with a high-ranking job in the Obama administration.” He’ll fuck your spouse and eat your babies, too! [NYT/The Caucus] Read more on …
  that's one approach

Obama Suggests Adding MEDICARE SPIES To Health Care Reform

Barack Obama has written a letter, to the Congress, listing four very serious Republican things from last week’s summit that he’d be willing to compromise on to make things super bipartisan. It is fairly obvious that Republicans will accept these provisions and vote for the bill enthusiastically. Congress will pass it into law tomorrow morning-ish, 535-0, in a special joint-session lawn party. Grassley’s gonna shit red white and blue firecrackers for the keynote address. Not that it matters, but let’s check out these Four Humours anyway: “The proposals Obama mentioned are: sending investigators disguised as patients to uncover fraud and waste; expanding medical malpractice reform pilot programs; increasing payments to Medicaid providers and expanding the use of health savings accounts.” So pretty basic stuff WAIT WHAT WAS THAT FIRST ONE? Read more on Obama Suggests Adding MEDICARE SPIES To Health Care Reform…
  no seriously don't

Everyone Wake Up Tomorrow, To Watch The Senate Vote!

Republicans have finally said “aw fuck all” and agreed with Democrats to move tomorrow’s final health care vote from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m., so Jim Inhofe and Tom Coburn can go watch their grandkids sing about jeebus in Tulsa or whatever. They also have to vote on extending the debt limit — due to expire Dec. 31! — by $290 billion, which should buy us another few hours. Why are the Republicans such quitters about everything? If the U.S. defaults on its debt, imagine all the seats they’d pick up in the upcoming midterm elections! Read more on Everyone Wake Up Tomorrow, To Watch The Senate Vote!…
  drat

We Did Everything We Were Supposed To, But Robert Byrd Is Still Alive!

No idea if this is a hoax or not, but a self-identified Republican, “Abraham” — like the famous Jew! — called into CSPAN to ask Republican Sen. John Barrasso why Robert Byrd hadn’t died after Tom Coburn had instructed everyone to pray for it, and they had acquiesced? Maybe Tom Coburn doesn’t know God so well. Weren’t we just talking about expanding medical coverage?[YouTube] Read more on We Did Everything We Were Supposed To, But Robert Byrd Is Still Alive!…
  the world's greatest deliberative body

Terrible Demon Tom Coburn Offers To Cover God’s Medicaid Expansion Beyond 2019 If He Just Kills Robert Byrd

The always admirable Sen. Dick Durbin — Barack Obama’s white father — is super upset with the behavior of this health care debate’s most shameless Senate C-Streeter, Tom Coburn, a dick. He is demanding that Coburn “explain” an earlier prayer call for a Democratic senator to miss tonight’s 1 a.m. cloture vote, SOMEHOW. Hmm. Which senator’s circumstances are most likely to prevent him (or her! women!) from reaching a super-important 1 a.m. vote? Read more on Terrible Demon Tom Coburn Offers To Cover God’s Medicaid Expansion Beyond 2019 If He Just Kills Robert Byrd…
  gratuitous decapitations by us senators

TOM COBURN’S (R-OK) MACABRE ANIMAL SLAUGHTERING HOBBY IS ALSO A METAPHOR, SEE? “Mr. Coburn spends as little time as possible in Washington, a place he seems to genuinely dislike. An ordained Southern Baptist deacon, he attends church every Sunday back in Muskogee and teaches a Bible study class. He tries to stop armadillos from tearing up his lawn. He pulls fat water moccasins from his pool. ‘I kill them,’ he said with relish, ‘by slicing their heads off with the sharp edge of a shovel.'” [New York Times] Read more on …
  yummy!

Coburn Chief Of Staff: All Porno Is Gay Porno

Here is Sen. Tom Coburn’s chief of staff, Michael Schwartz, at this weekend’s Values Voters Summit, talking about pornography. He has a number of interesting thoughts on the subject. Did you know that all porno is GAY porno? It is, seriously. Read more on Coburn Chief Of Staff: All Porno Is Gay Porno…
  the senate is a serious place

Al Franken Insulted America By Opening With A Mild Joke For Old People

Everyone has been wondering when Al Franken, the comedian who therefore is not smart but gets to be a Senator anyway, would stop pretending to care about “political issues” already — his 20-year campaign is over! — and just go nuts shouting insane Playboy rape jokes, constantly, in Judiciary Committee meetings. And at yesterday’s Sotomayor hearing he did, technically, tell his First Joke in the Senate, a snoozy little ice-breaker for the nation’s grandmothers about how teevee lawyer Perry Mason was hardly the best lawyer of his time, oh ho ho. Then he asked some serious questions… but it was too late! The world’s “most important governing body” is NO PLACE FOR VERBAL HUMOR, some nut writes in The Hill. Read more on Al Franken Insulted America By Opening With A Mild Joke For Old People…
  annals of thwarted journalism

Husband Of Ensign Mistress Wanted To Blab To Fox News

Sorry, folks! This is what passes for SEXY SEX SCANDAL NEWS this June, while “important news” such as the incipient Iranian revolution and doomed healthcare reform dominate our boring news channels. Doug Hampton, the husband of that lady John Ensign had sex with, wrote to Megyn Kelly at Fox News five days before Ensign confessed to the affair. And in the letter he said, in effect, Ensign is such a douche! I am blabbing to you, Megyn Kelly, because you are a lawyer! Read more on Husband Of Ensign Mistress Wanted To Blab To Fox News…
  erotic relationships

Obama and Coburn Are Best Pals

Many of Republican Senator Tom Coburn’s Oklahoma constituents were INCENSED to see their senator locked in a pornographic gay embrace with the President after his fake state of the union address a couple weeks back. In the aftermath, Coburn received 50 letters from outraged citizens asking him why he would go and do such a dirty thing with a known socialist on national TV. Read more on Obama and Coburn Are Best Pals…
 

Stories That Really Shouldn’t Be

Every Republican agrees with every other one, and other signs the Rapture is upon us. [New York Times] Some like Huck while others dislike him. [Washington Post] Tom Coburn likes to fuck shit up for everybody. [Wall Street Journal] Read more on Stories That Really Shouldn’t Be…
 

Boring Earmark Fight Turns Funny

John Hart, communications director for Sen. Tom Coburn, to his collegues, on his boss’s desire to investigate a company that employs the son of Sen. Ben Nelson: “This will shut that f—er up… I can’t wait to send an In Case You Missed It to Nebraska press that will be forwarded to a–face.” Coburn’s legislative director Roland Foster had the reply-all follow-up zing: Read more on Boring Earmark Fight Turns Funny…
 

Tom Coburn (R-OK) points out that most Senators have comically undersized testicles. [Americans for Prosperity]
 

New Nut To Join Comical Race For GOP Nomination

Is Ron Paul too rational for you? Unconvinced by Mitt Romney’s commitment to personally fund all abortions? Has Tom Tancredo failed to keep the Mexicans out of your town? Republican primary voters, meet your new nut: It’s Senator Tom Coburn from the great state of Oklahoma! Here are some highlights of Coburn’s brave career: Read more on New Nut To Join Comical Race For GOP Nomination…
 

Tom Coburn Will Destroy These Iranian Collaborators

Senator Coburn (R-Crazy Land) has written a very important letter to the president about a very serious situation in Iran. As the White House is about to obliterate Iran for its own mad reasons — which will probably lead to a nuclear war and the complete destruction of the USA, which is totally asking for it — it’s important that Iranians get the best pro-U.S. propaganda before they’re blown up. But Coburn has discovered a wicked source of somewhat objective U.S. news and analysis reaching everyday Iranians. The tragic part? The source is the Voice of America, which is run by the U.S. government, which means Coburn (probably) can’t bomb it. Read the dirty details, after the jump. Read more on Tom Coburn Will Destroy These Iranian Collaborators…
 

Tom Coburn, King of the Tortured Metaphor

The wit and wisdom of Senator Tom Coburn, courtesy GQ. * “And it’s kind of like holding a pet bird. If you hold it too tight, you’ll kill it. And if you hold on to office too tight, you’ll kill our republic.” * On Newt Gingrich: “…like a whipped dog who still barked, yet cowered, in Clinton’s presence.” * “Also Robert Byrd — he knows exactly how to rape the U.S. Treasury and mortgage the future.” * “When you’re delivering a baby,” he said, “and the baby’s getting in trouble, and you can see the baby’s heartbeat, which is normally about 130 or 140 beats per minute, going down to fifty or sixty, and you’re standing there watching it go down, you know you’ve got about three minutes to make a decision. You can use a pair of forceps and try to pull it out, you can use a vacuum extractor, or you can leave labor and delivery, put her on the table, put her to sleep, cut a hole in her belly, and take it out with a C-section — but you’ve got to do something, and you’ve got to do it now. That baby’s life depends on what you do in those three minutes. And that’s exactly where we are in our country today. We are in those critical three minutes. If we wait to act, it’s going to be too late. We’re going to lose the baby.” Read more on Tom Coburn, King of the Tortured Metaphor…