TOM COBURN’S (R-OK) MACABRE ANIMAL SLAUGHTERING HOBBY IS ALSO A METAPHOR, SEE? “Mr. Coburn spends as little time as possible in Washington, a place he seems to genuinely dislike. An ordained Southern Baptist deacon, he attends church every Sunday back in Muskogee and teaches a Bible study class. He tries to stop armadillos from tearing up his lawn. He pulls fat water moccasins from his pool. ‘I kill them,’ he said with relish, ‘by slicing their heads off with the sharp edge of a shovel.’” [New York Times]

Here is Sen. Tom Coburn’s chief of staff, Michael Schwartz, at this weekend’s Values Voters Summit, talking about pornography. He has a number of interesting thoughts on the subject. Did you know that all porno is GAY porno? It is, seriously. MORE »

Everyone has been wondering when Al Franken, the comedian who therefore is not smart but gets to be a Senator anyway, would stop pretending to care about “political issues” already — his 20-year campaign is over! — and just go nuts shouting insane Playboy rape jokes, constantly, in Judiciary Committee meetings. And at yesterday’s Sotomayor hearing he did, technically, tell his First Joke in the Senate, a snoozy little ice-breaker for the nation’s grandmothers about how teevee lawyer Perry Mason was hardly the best lawyer of his time, oh ho ho. Then he asked some serious questions… but it was too late! The world’s “most important governing body” is NO PLACE FOR VERBAL HUMOR, some nut writes in The Hill. MORE »

Sorry, folks! This is what passes for SEXY SEX SCANDAL NEWS this June, while “important news” such as the incipient Iranian revolution and doomed healthcare reform dominate our boring news channels. Doug Hampton, the husband of that lady John Ensign had sex with, wrote to Megyn Kelly at Fox News five days before Ensign confessed to the affair. And in the letter he said, in effect, Ensign is such a douche! I am blabbing to you, Megyn Kelly, because you are a lawyer! MORE »

Many of Republican Senator Tom Coburn’s Oklahoma constituents were INCENSED to see their senator locked in a pornographic gay embrace with the President after his fake state of the union address a couple weeks back. In the aftermath, Coburn received 50 letters from outraged citizens asking him why he would go and do such a dirty thing with a known socialist on national TV. MORE »

• Every Republican agrees with every other one, and other signs the Rapture is upon us. [New York Times]
• Some like Huck while others dislike him. [Washington Post]
• Tom Coburn likes to fuck shit up for everybody. [Wall Street Journal]
• Walnuts may be suggesting that Drudge is lacking in the integrity department. [Politico]
• The President made a decision and is happy with the decision that he made. [Washington Post]
• What’s the one thing op-ed columnists love to write about more than Barry and Hillary? Each other! [New York Times]
• Were Democrats “stymied by a steadfast President” this year, or are they just a bunch of pussies? [LAT]
• Someone’s going to have to hang around the Senate floor over break to make sure the Decider doesn’t decide something retarded. [Roll Call]

John Hart, communications director for Sen. Tom Coburn, to his collegues, on his boss’s desire to investigate a company that employs the son of Sen. Ben Nelson: “This will shut that f—er up… I can’t wait to send an In Case You Missed It to Nebraska press that will be forwarded to a–face.” Coburn’s legislative director Roland Foster had the reply-all follow-up zing: MORE »

Tom Coburn (R-OK) points out that most Senators have comically undersized testicles. [Americans for Prosperity]

Is Ron Paul too rational for you? Unconvinced by Mitt Romney’s commitment to personally fund all abortions? Has Tom Tancredo failed to keep the Mexicans out of your town? MORE »

Senator Coburn (R-Crazy Land) has written a very important letter to the president about a very serious situation in Iran.

As the White House is about to obliterate Iran for its own mad reasons — which will probably lead to a nuclear war and the complete destruction of the USA, which is totally asking for it — it’s important that Iranians get the best pro-U.S. propaganda before they’re blown up. But Coburn has discovered a wicked source of somewhat objective U.S. news and analysis reaching everyday Iranians.

The tragic part? The source is the Voice of America, which is run by the U.S. government, which means Coburn (probably) can’t bomb it. Read the dirty details, after the jump.

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The wit and wisdom of Senator Tom Coburn, courtesy GQ. MORE »