Todd Palin has quit his dog race, the Iron Dog dog race, BUT ONLY BECAUSE his partner is a failure and injured himself by racing dogs around in the snow. This will come as a great disappointment to son Trig, depicted here in a desecrating, sacrilege photoshop by mother Sarah Palin. [ADN via Rumproast]

In a few Thanksgivings, everyone will be eating First Gentleman Todd Palin’s killer “Baked Alaska” pot brownies for dessert. This is the plot of the movie 2012. MORE »

As long as we’ve “known” Sarah Palin, she has been the family-having homeworker dinner-cooking hockey mom with a husband who performs manual labor outdoors, for money. But now neither of these descriptions bear any resemblance to reality, because Todd Palin has quit his job in the oil field. This is what we would call an “I’m rich biotch!” moment, because Todd Palin is now rich through his wife, as the advance and sales of her ghostwritten diarrhea pamphlet should sop up most/all of the remaining wealth in America. Meg, being funny: “Meghan Stapleton, Sarah Palin’s personal spokeswoman, says Todd Palin hopes to return to his union job and for now is spending time with his family.” False, and false. But good for Todd! This whole thing has been a real windfall for him, hmm? [AP]

If you’ve ever dreamed of joining four other random slobs for a very sexy dinner with Sarah Palin and her snowmobile stoner husband Todd, next Tuesday is your lucky day! Maybe. That’s when you can start bidding on the eBay for a special group-food-eating occasion with some unemployed woman in Alaska who — for reasons not even Republicans pretend to understand — was a media celebrity for a few months last year. MORE »

Pulitzer, anyone? Here is the entirety of the most important news story ever written by a human reporter since Watergate, times the Pentagon Papers, divided by the untold story of 9/11, times a million, minus Martha Gellhorn: MORE »

Still no word on whether or not that whole “OMG Sarah and Todd are getting divorced” thing is any more true than the whole “OMG Palin is resigning because she’s under federal investigation” thing. Will these sorts of rumors fall into the same bucket as “Dick Cheney resigning as VP due to Libby/war crimes/etc. and will be replaced by Condi Rice,” or will they eventually be proven as factual as “John Edwards enjoyed boning dippy videographer while wife had cancer”? Time will tell! But in the meantime, here is a delightful letter from ex-governor Palin’s lawyer, offering to frighten a room full of little children because a blogger was spreading rumors about Sarah Palin’s marriage. [AlaskaReport]

Christ, it’s not like there’s any election going on, when this public celebrity nonsense sometimes can matter, for a few hours, but here we are finally getting all intrigued-like over some snit on Todd & Sarah Palin’s Facebook page about a baseball sex joke David Letterman made on television one night. What’s going on now. Letterman apologized again last night for making whatever joke, a monologue quickie, that Sarah Palin pretended to interpret as pervert code for “I’m gonna rape your 14-year-old Willow daughter.” Now Palin has “accepted” Letterman’s lengthy apology with one of the more obnoxious statements in her endless, vapid, snarling canon. MORE »

We’re as sick of the Palins as every other idiot on this planet but for some reason HAHAHAHAHAH; when you marry a snowmobile stoner you marry his family too! “Todd Palin’s half-sister was arrested Thursday after police say she broke into a Wasilla home for the second time this week to steal money… Diana Palin, 35, entered a home near Wasilla’s Multi-Use Sports Complex and attempted to steal cash from the owner’s bedroom, police said. She also broke into the same house on Tuesday and stole $400, they said.” ES HARD 2 GET CREDDIT NOWDAYS. [ADN]

We never ever ever ever have any idea what Esquire is going on about, with this “Man of Now” or “Women With Boobs” or “Oh Christ She Is Really Amazing-Looking Isn’t She?” or whatever, but everybody loves to laugh at Alaska’s “first dude,” now being stage-managed by Scientologist weirdos Greta Van Susteren and her husband, Xenu da Squib, so here you go, it’s Todd Palin, just cold goin’ bonkers while Anger Bear is out of town executing wolves or stealing entire cargo ships of luxury goods. [Esquire]

HELP WONKETTE WITH OUR ANNUAL WAR ON XMAS GIFT GUIDE! We are almost done with this year’s Gift Guide, but we need your suggestions (with links) to actually, er, help us type it up. Email your real true fun/terrible Wonkette gift ideas with the subject line SANTA HURTED ME. Special insider editor talk after the jump! MORE »

• Meet your new battleground state, the People’s Republic of Alaska, where a full 50% of the non-elk population was birthed by Sarah Palin. [Daily Kos]
• National Review lady Kathryn Jean Lopez has tattletaled on local Soviet madrassa Beldevere Elementary School, to Beldevere Elementary School, for electing Barack Obama the president of grades K thru 5. [The Corner]
• Whoever leaked the stuff about Obama’s immigrant aunt seeking asylum is in big trouble, as revealing this sort of thing is illegal. [TPMMuckraker]
• When asked why there aren’t more minorities are her rallies, Palin replies that Husband Todd is an Alaskan and nonsensically concludes “We live it.” [Ben Smith]
• No one is showing up to McCain’s sad Floridian rallies, least of all Charlie Crist, who mysteriously left early. [CNN Political Ticker]

• THAT NAME WILL COST $150,000: “Palin said if she and husband Todd had had a sixth child, they had already picked a name for a boy joining siblings Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig. ‘I always wanted a son named Zamboni,’ she said.” You know, we have things called “straitjackets” in this world and they’re not meant to go unused. [Washington Post via Deadspin]

Well, if the National Enquirer’s latest story isn’t entirely factual we will just eat our hats. Once upon a time Sarah Palin’s husband Todd had a business partner — no, not that one — some snowmobile dealer named Brad Hanson, and Sarah Palin allegedly had an affair with this fellow. You see, Todd was always away on business, but Todd’s business partner stayed home, for the purposes of fucking Todd’s wife, apparently! So says the former brother-in-law of the brother of Hanson’s wife. MORE »