Wonkette

• Meet your new battleground state, the People’s Republic of Alaska, where a full 50% of the non-elk population was birthed by Sarah Palin. [Daily Kos]
• National Review lady Kathryn Jean Lopez has tattletaled on local Soviet madrassa Beldevere Elementary School, to Beldevere Elementary School, for electing Barack Obama the president of grades K thru 5. [The Corner]
• Whoever leaked the stuff about Obama’s immigrant aunt seeking asylum is in big trouble, as revealing this sort of thing is illegal. [TPMMuckraker]
• When asked why there aren’t more minorities are her rallies, Palin replies that Husband Todd is an Alaskan and nonsensically concludes “We live it.” [Ben Smith]
• No one is showing up to McCain’s sad Floridian rallies, least of all Charlie Crist, who mysteriously left early. [CNN Political Ticker]

• THAT NAME WILL COST $150,000: “Palin said if she and husband Todd had had a sixth child, they had already picked a name for a boy joining siblings Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig. ‘I always wanted a son named Zamboni,’ she said.” You know, we have things called “straitjackets” in this world and they’re not meant to go unused. [Washington Post via Deadspin]

Well, if the National Enquirer’s latest story isn’t entirely factual we will just eat our hats. Once upon a time Sarah Palin’s husband Todd had a business partner — no, not that one — some snowmobile dealer named Brad Hanson, and Sarah Palin allegedly had an affair with this fellow. You see, Todd was always away on business, but Todd’s business partner stayed home, for the purposes of fucking Todd’s wife, apparently! So says the former brother-in-law of the brother of Hanson’s wife. MORE »

For further proof of just how bumblefuck a state Alaska is, look no further than the ease with which a couple of lawyers for the McCain campaign have destroyed the Troopergate investigation — which was a legitimate issue in Alaska for a while! — after half-assedly skimming off a few handy topic sentences from the Alaskan law code. Todd Palin and several other witnesses were subpoenaed to testify this morning, but no one bothered to show up, and the investigators don’t give a shit. And now the Alaskan legislator in charge of the investigation has announced that the probe will end, as originally scheduled, on October 10, without these key witness reports, cuz whatcha gonna do? MORE »

TPM has put together this pretty hilarious clip of highlights from Greta Van Susteren’s special interview with Todd Palin, which aired some time recently. Greta seems stoned off her ass and laughs at a number of her own jokes about the nickname “First Dude,” a term she brings up at least 700 times in her numerous bizarre mini-rants of unfiltered psychobabble. She stares at the ground a lot, and Todd Palin only knows 4-7 words in the entire English language. [TPM]

Oh goodness everybody’s panties were in a lather on Friday when it was revealed that some former business pal of Todd Palin had asked to have his divorce records sealed — presumably because they contained page after blistering page of descriptions of hot sexing with Todd Palin’s wife, a pretty lady who is running for vice president. After all, the National Equirer said she’d had an affair with a business associate of her husband, and how many business associates can a guy have? MORE »

We loved you, Minnesota. You were nice. Your convention ran as smooth as a “Tuna Hot Dish,” which is apparently what you eat here, in your secret homes. But now we are at the Airport Service Center, in Concourse E or something, typing, while our phones charge. Newell is already gone — Lindsey Graham was two rows away, in coach! What a fag. Anyways, thanks for following our ridiculous cross-country Heartland Change Convention Tour. We’ll be quiet for a few hours now, as we will all be on terrible planes flying in every direction, 9/11 times Infinity, the end. Oh and Todd Palin’s ex-business partner just filed an emergency motion to seal his divorce records, and it was denied. [Andrew Sullivan]

Here’s one line of an e-mail from Wonkette tipster “Little R. Hen,” so secretive: “the first dude has a john edwards problem times ten zillion.” You heard it here first: Todd Plain gets four-thousand-zillion dollar haircuts. THERE ISN’T EVEN THAT MUCH MONEY ON EARTH, and yet.