Tag Archives: todd palin

 

2014: The Year Bristol Palin And Her Mom, Ol’ Whatsername, Made All Our Dreams Come True

She's all out of makeup, frankly.
There’s this lady, Sarah Palin, you wouldn’t know her. She flitted through the public consciousness for a hot minute in 2008, and then was never heard from again. Haha, spoiler alert, yes she was. We’re sorry. But aside from all Sarah Palin’s usual hijinks, most of which involved either racism or grift (because like we said, “usual”), there was one glorious moment in 2014 in which all the Palin clan’s true class became as crystal clear as the finest Coors Lite. And it lasted like a month. Read more on 2014: The Year Bristol Palin And Her Mom, Ol’ Whatsername, Made All Our Dreams Come True…
 

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: The Greatest Gift Of All

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
This week, Sarah Palin pumped out a lot of Christmas-themed content, showing us that it is truly better to give than to receive, so long as you’re giving to the Sarah Palin Channel. On closer inspection, all her Christmas videos are from the same filming session, thus further proving our theory that the Sarah Palin Channel is the most ruthlessly efficient grift going. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: The Greatest Gift Of All…
 

Let’s All Listen To Track And Bristol Palin, And Laugh And Laugh

Can't be too careful
Update: Additional fun audio at end of post. Thank god for responsive government! We’ve already seen the police reports, and now Anchorage Police have released audio from their interviews with witnesses at the scene of the Great Wasillabilly Rumble. The recordings are a veritable treasure trove of alcohol-fueled rage, privilege, and score settling. There’s the Big Drama over Track’s maybe-lost St. George necklace, a talisman through which God Almighty bestowed His protection upon the War Hero: Read more on Let’s All Listen To Track And Bristol Palin, And Laugh And Laugh…
 

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Home-Cooked, Hand-Clubbed Fish Dinner

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
Touch of context for those who are new to this series: a Wonkette commenter named Fartknocker ponied up the cash for us to get a subscription to Sarah Palin’s Internet Teevee Channel. The aim of this series is to allow the Wonketariat to snicker at Palin’s new thingy without ever exposing yrselves to the harmful gamma radiation emitted by the Sarah Palin Channel. You are welcome. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Home-Cooked, Hand-Clubbed Fish Dinner…
 

Your Happy Funtimes Palin Brawl Playset Will Keep Your Fingers Warm On Those Cold Alaska Nights

Whoa, hey, watch where you put that finger!
Sniveling rage donkey Sarah Palin is back on the Facebook today, braying about the “prayer shield” that surrounds her brood of Leon Spinks imitators. Sarah is very proud of her kids’ desire to defend the family and also of their “work ethic,” which they must have learned from someone else’s parents. She also offers up a link to a five-sentence post on Bristol’s blog, which, whoa, don’t work too hard, Bristol! Save some of that energy for getting drunk and punching party hosts! Read more on Your Happy Funtimes Palin Brawl Playset Will Keep Your Fingers Warm On Those Cold Alaska Nights…
 

Palin Rumble Update: Palins Didn’t Start The Fight, They Just Finished It

Details still trickling in
More details continue to emerge regarding the Great Big Palin Brawl of ’14. We aren’t going to go into all the various he-said/she-said/she-screeched-like-a-demented-hellbeast scenarios, but the basics are that a whole bunch of Palins got into a punching match with a number of lesser mortals at a Sept. 6 birthday party in Anchorage, apparently because Track Palin took exception to the presence of a former boyfriend of young Arbor Day Palin. Read more on Palin Rumble Update: Palins Didn’t Start The Fight, They Just Finished It…
 

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Two Jews Walk Into Wasilla

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
“So Todd just comes beepin’ up — be-boppin’ on up stairs, right? Um…interrupted me a little bit…and he says, ‘Hey, Sarah, there’s these two really nice guys from New Jersey, they’re in the dri–.’ C’mere, Todd!” Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Two Jews Walk Into Wasilla…
 

What To Wear To Your Late Summer Brawl: The Palin Family’s Fashion Do’s!

Late summer. The perfect time to crash a birthday party, punch the host in the face multiple times, and shriek obscenities at all and sundry. But WHAT TO WEAR? If you are Sarah Palin, the answer is “platform shoes with American flags on them.” You guys, I think I just got hard. Let’s glean more fashion tips from the Palin clan, along with the latest from witnesses on how the fight started, who punched whom and who choked someone out (Todd. Todd choked someone out), and the level of shirtlessness on certain Palin family eldest sons. It’s not the first time the Palins have graced our fashion pages, but it might just be the best. Read more on What To Wear To Your Late Summer Brawl: The Palin Family’s Fashion Do’s!…
 

Palins Scalp Witness To Their Epic Snowbilly Battle As First Sort Of Reported By Your Wonkette

Klassy as fuck
Important updates are flying in left and right regarding the big Anchorage birthday party dust-up involving America’s favorite hillbilly family that doesn’t count a child named Honey Boo Boo among its ranks. (Which, when we think about it, is kind of surprising.) We are speaking, of course, of grifter queen Sarah Palin, husband Todd, and their brood of geographically named children. Let’s brawlsplore! Read more on Palins Scalp Witness To Their Epic Snowbilly Battle As First Sort Of Reported By Your Wonkette…
 

Anchorage PD: Palins Were ‘Present’ At 20-Person Brawl. Fate Of Hos’ Weave Unknown

Well, look who is doing some journamalism, it is us, yr Wonkette. A delightful story about Bristol Palin’s mean right hook, Todd Palin’s bloody nose, and Sarah Palin screeching DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM was gossiported by our old pals at ImmoralMinority, and we done called up the Anchorage PD to say “yo, Palin fight?” and they said “maybe.” ALL THE PULITZERS PLS. Anita in the Anchorage Police Department’s communications office is sitting at her desk at 7:15 a.m. on a Tuesday Thursday, so probs they are waiting for a whole mess of calls from Jake Tapper or whatever, and Anita confirms that a huge bloody mess of a brawl between multiple subjects took place Saturday night, and that the Palins were “present.” However, since nobody wanted to arrest anybody else, the names of the “subjects” remain not yet released. But the investigation continues! Infotain us, ImmoralMinority! According to the grapevine Track had some altercation with a person who may or may not have once dated one of the Palin girls. That led to some pushing and shoving, which escalated somehow to the family being asked to leave the premises. However before that could happen a certain former abstinence spokesperson unleashed a flurry of blows at some as of yet identified individual before being pulled off by by another partygoer, after which Todd apparently puffed up his chest and made some threatening remarks. (The “C’ word may have been uttered at one point.) Yes, the C-word probably was uttered. BY US. Anyhoo, it is probably time for anyone who was at that super-fun-times awesome shindiggity to send us some cell phone video, because WHO THE HELL WASN’T TAKING CELL PHONE VIDEO, WHAT ARE YOU A BUNCH OF IDIOTS? Kthxbai. [ImmoralMinority]
 

Sarah Palin Won’t Have Joe McGinniss To Kick Around Anymore

Yesterday, at age 71, author Joe McGinniss passed away after a battle with prostate cancer. It was one of those “hey wait WHAT” moments that makes its way across Twitter swiftly and you’re not even sure you believe it after checking Wikipedia. Read more on Sarah Palin Won’t Have Joe McGinniss To Kick Around Anymore…
 

Half-Term First Dude Todd Palin Will Be America’s Newest Reality Star Now, Because

So! Got any exciting TV-watching plans now that “Mad Men” is back on its usual two-year hiatus? Oh, you are going to watch “Stars Earn Stripes,” because that is a thing, and it is going to be hosted by terrifying unblinking robot General Wesley Clark along with “‘Entertainment Tonight’ and ‘Dancing with the Stars’ alum Samantha Harris”? Good, good. Sounds reasonable. And it’ll be “reality” “stars” teaming up with tough (and presumably hot) military men and ladies to do, like, missions? Hmmm. Who’s gonna be on it? “[B]oxing royalty Laila Ali, actor Dean Cain, former NFL player Terry Crews, singer Nick Lachey Olympic gold medalist Picabo Street, NBC’s ‘The Biggest Loser’ trainer Dolvett Quince, and WWE star Eve Torres.” We don’t know what any of those words mean. Not sure we’re thrilled with this television choice so far, America. Is there anything that could make us watch this? Sarah Palin husband Todd is among those competing in NBC’s new reality series “Stars Earns Stripes,” the network has revealed Tuesday. Right, so: no. Read more on Half-Term First Dude Todd Palin Will Be America’s Newest Reality Star Now, Because…
 

Bristol Palin Absolutely Not Sexing Anyone, Says Bristol Palin

Bristol Palin is setting the record straight about ‘putting a ring on it’ vs ‘trial marriage’ (getting dick). Despite her past struggles of tagging hockey players, having a child out of wedlock and pretending to be a Christian, Bristol is super totally not “doing it” with the hot dude your Wonkette said Bristol was totally doing it with. Bristol is a good Christian, but now she wants to show how bad it is for everyone else but her to get it without being married first. Bristol, through her years of experience, has found the only way to have sex and be ok with it is to put a shiny piece of metal on her finger and getting the ‘do it’ from Jesus. Read more on Bristol Palin Absolutely Not Sexing Anyone, Says Bristol Palin…
 

Todd Palin’s Alleged Prostitute Releasing Exciting Book About Sex With Todd Palin

Somehow, the Wasilla gravy train has finally run out of steam. What else can explain Todd Palin’s alleged Wasilla mistress/prostitute not getting a six-figure book deal for her story? America has finally grown tired of Sarah Palin and her snowbilly family’s oxycontin exploits. But, just in case you need a final dose, be sure to buy the hawt new paperback Boys Will Be Boys by Shailey Tripp. (Tripp?) Read more on Todd Palin’s Alleged Prostitute Releasing Exciting Book About Sex With Todd Palin…
 

Sarah Palin Worried About Oil Money Conflict of Interest In Her Divorce

Way back in 2007, when Wonkette was literally the only national media actually covering Sarah Palin and her ridiculous role as John McCain’s vice-presidential candidate was still just a stain in Bill Kristol’s underroos, the Wasilla grifter was already planning her divorce from amiable extremist dolt Todd Palin. Emails finally released on Thursday show Sarah was scheming even then, and wondering if her divorce from Todd — a laborer on the North Slope oil fields — would somehow lead to charges of conflict of interest because of Governor Sarah’s “drill baby drill” policies. None of this makes any sense, because Sarah Palin is a lifelong idiot. But she is consistently phony and amoral, when it comes to “family values,” at least! Read more on Sarah Palin Worried About Oil Money Conflict of Interest In Her Divorce…
 

National Enquirer Says Sarah Palin Sexed Black Guy (Hint: Not Todd Palin)

WOAH HO HO! America’s newspaper of record The National Enquirer has a DEF-CON 4 WORLD EXCLUSIVE scoop: Sarah Palin had sex with a black guy, once, in the late 80s, right before she got married! THE CRAZY PART: Todd Palin, he is not black! Sarah Palin had sex with someone who is not Todd Palin! Todd Palin, he is also not Glen Rice, the famous NBA basketball star who says he had sex with Sarah Palin in 1987. Todd Palin, no one wants to have sex with him! Why wasn’t Todd Palin black enough for Sarah, in 1987? Reagan was president in 1987. This is Reagan’s fault, this entire story, this entire post, just like Reagan is to blame for everything that is unholy and decrepit and crumbling in America, starting with everything we have ever read about Sarah Palin and eventually ending there, too. Read more on National Enquirer Says Sarah Palin Sexed Black Guy (Hint: Not Todd Palin)…
 

Sarah Palin Appears for Giant Mosh Pit With Livestock and Cameras

Teevee Queen of Alaska and former star of “The Learning Channel” Sarah Palin is officially the Iowa State Fair’s Justin Bieber, for the living, breathing human lard monsters who have eaten their own weight times a thousand in fried diabetes on a stick and are now too ill to remember who they are or what they are doing besides taking pictures of this lady, who does what exactly, again? The famous presidential candidate tour bus driver magically appeared in the middle of some sort of animal pen, because that is how all of God’s important prophets begin their journeys to Greatness. This was all going on while Tim Pawlenty wandered around alone, wondering if anyone would recognize him for who he truly is, instead of confusing him for local real estate agents and personal injury lawyers, which he hates. Of course no one did recognize him, because OH RIGHT SARAH PALIN IS HERE, everyone else can leave now! Read more on Sarah Palin Appears for Giant Mosh Pit With Livestock and Cameras…
 

Sarah Palin Was Also Wrong About That Slim Jim Thing

Just yesterday, we celebrated star actress of The Learning Channel, Sarah Palin, and her sweatshirt-glam cover on Newsweek magazine, where she bravely declared, “I can win,” even though she is not in any sort of snowshoe race or Scrabble match at the moment, not that she could possibly win either of those things. The most riveting piece of this important cover story was, of course, the part where Sarah Palin got all nostalgic for the imaginary time in her head when a lady could hop off her Tour Bus to Nowhere, wander into the mini-mart with a single dollar bill, and leave with a Slim Jim in hand. Apparently this happened to Sarah Palin, “just recently,” before beef jerky prices skyrocketed 169 percent. More than likely, though, Todd Palin just has an unquenchable thirst for Slim Jims. Read more on Sarah Palin Was Also Wrong About That Slim Jim Thing…
 

Stupid Palin Email Dump Media Frenzy Makes Fox News Poll Kind of Fun

Unlike everyone else furiously competing to uncover new humiliating details within Sarah Palin’s thousands of newly released emails like greedy children searching for a Wonka golden ticket, Fox News reporter Greta Van Susteren will just conduct this slanted, simplistic poll about whether the media is being annoying. The answer is still yes! Congratulations, Lame Stream Media, for the first time ever we’d rather read a Fox News poll than suffer through any more of this “Palin email liveblogging.” What vitally important national security information have we come across so far? Read more on Stupid Palin Email Dump Media Frenzy Makes Fox News Poll Kind of Fun…
 

Todd Palin ‘Love Child’ Rumor Completes Todd Palin Affair Scorecard

To go along with the rumors that Todd Palin has had affairs and sexed prostitutes, the National Enquirer is now reporting that Todd Palin has one of those “love children” with a woman who is not Sarah Palin. This is said to “RUIN HER CHANCE FOR WHITE HOUSE,” which would be the most shocking revelation of all in this article, of course, because it would mean Sarah Palin once had a shot at the presidency. (Or this is just sly wording, and refers to the paint color on her Alaska hill-country lair.) So has Todd seen this supposed child of his? Does he love it, or is it impossible to love a baby that doesn’t have Down syndrome? Read more on Todd Palin ‘Love Child’ Rumor Completes Todd Palin Affair Scorecard…
 

Sarah Palin Issues Non-Denial Denial of ‘Lou Sarah’ Account, On Facebook

Yesterday, your Wonkette uncovered a private Facebook account registered to what is (or what was at one time) Sarah Palin’s private e-mail address. Last night, she took to her public Facebook page to refute its authenticity. “On a side note, there’s always buzz about fake Sarah Palin Facebook and Twitter accounts. Please know that this is my only authentic Facebook account and SarahPalinUSA is my only authentic Twitter account. Pay no attention to the fake accounts and their fake messages.” Which is a pretty convenient way of denying things without having to answer any questions about it. Why was “Lou Sarah” registered to her personal e-mail address, and why is the account listed as being friends with her brother and her cousins? Well, she’s not willing to comment to reporters on that. UPDATE: The “Lou Sarah” account has been taken down. Read more on Sarah Palin Issues Non-Denial Denial of ‘Lou Sarah’ Account, On Facebook…
 

Woman Who Says Todd Palin Sexed Her Also Says Trig Was Faked

There exists a rumor that Todd Palin had sex with some Alaska massage lady. Is it true? Doesn’t matter. There was an opening in the media patchwork for a Todd Palin sex rumor, and somebody filled it. Luckily for Palin rumor bloggers, this masseuse is also willing to confirm another Palin rumor, that Sarah Palin never was pregnant with Trig, and Trig is therefore the spawn of Bristol Palin or some other form of extraterrestrial life. This massage lady says she gave a massage to Sarah Palin during this supposed pregnancy, but when she felt up her abdomen, there were exactly zero magic Downs-syndrome campaign props inside it. Wow, what a nice coincidence it is that this lady is able to give life to so many Palin rumors, and in such detail! Read more on Woman Who Says Todd Palin Sexed Her Also Says Trig Was Faked…