Tag Archives: todd akin

  sex respect

Jizz Causes Lady Cancer, And Other Fun Sex Tips From The Duggars

We’ve learned so much about the Duggars in the past couple weeks! Of course, we now know, in grisly detail, about how Josh Duggar molested five girls, four of whom were also his co-stars on TLC’s 19 Kids And Counting, i.e., his sisters. We’ve also been learning more and more about the creepy homeschooling cult the Duggars subscribe to, that of alleged sex crimer Bill Gothard’s Advanced Training Institute (ATI). We know the sort of horrific counseling Josh’s victims likely received, using materials from the ATI cult that suggest when little girls are molested, they share some of the blame, for being female, and for being available targets. Read more on Jizz Causes Lady Cancer, And Other Fun Sex Tips From The Duggars…
  They're probably just saying they were raped to make a political statement

Tennessee Lady Rep Not Buying Your ‘Rape And Incest’ Story, Harlot

Sheila Butt, Republican state representative of Tennessee, is very misunderstood. In February, she was very upset because she just didn’t understand why people would think that her call for a National Association For The Advancement of White People could be misconstrued as RACIST. Now she will likely be very misunderstood again, simply for saying that we shouldn’t have rape and incest exceptions in abortion laws, because bitches be lying. Read more on Tennessee Lady Rep Not Buying Your ‘Rape And Incest’ Story, Harlot…
  Nice time though not for Republicans

Magic Ladyparts Expert Todd Akin Would Like To Try For Senator Again, Yesssssss!

Please come back and keep talking!
Todd Akin — the former Missouri representative, failed senatorial candidate, and expert on how ladies have magic vaginas than can detect and deflect “legitimate rape” sperm to prevent pregnancy (right, THAT guy) — is not going away. Sorry, Republicans, we know how you wish he’d just delete his account and shut up forever and stop making you SOOO embarrassed, but nope, not gonna happen: Read more on Magic Ladyparts Expert Todd Akin Would Like To Try For Senator Again, Yesssssss!…
  Glad we solved that problem forever

2014: The Year All Rape Ended Forever Because It Never Existed Obviously

Nope, no rape news this year
In the early days of 2014, the world was a simpler, happier place. Bill Cosby was still a kindly, grandfatherly funnyman and not a horrible monster rapist, and we all enjoyed playfully teasing him about his sweaters and Jell-O Pudding Pops until the joke was entirely played out and stale and not funny anymore, seriously, enough. Read more on 2014: The Year All Rape Ended Forever Because It Never Existed Obviously…
  boneheaded density

Ladies, Please Stop Thinking About Your Vagina And Start Thinking About Your Sad Brittle Bones

You’d think by now the Republicans would just be trying to figure out how to just take voting rights away from ladies and blahs and browns and homosexxicans rather than pretending that any part of their platform will ever appeal to anybody but angry white straight guys. But, in a testament to an absolutely blinkered level of thick-headedness, Republicans are still trying to win over the very people they loathe. Their latest effort revolves around hoping that if they just yell “women’s health women’shealthWOMEN’SHEALTH” louder and louder and over and over, somehow it will come to mean what they want it to mean, which is to say that it will no longer mean anything about babbies or ‘bortions. Instead, “women’s health” will become synonymous with osteoporosis, which is no doubt the most gripping health problem facing American women. Read more on Ladies, Please Stop Thinking About Your Vagina And Start Thinking About Your Sad Brittle Bones…
  it's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!

Prepare Yourself: We Have Come Unstuck In Time

Well look at what we went and did! We plum forgot to do a Links post for Happy for the last three days, for which the responsible parties will be sought out and disparaged. (Rebecca’s pretty sure it was Dok, Dok’s pretty sure it was Rebecca, and Sara was living the High Life in Vegas but is now preparing to go to a Shamanic Healing Workshop or some such.) And so, let’s see what we need to catch you up on! WEDNESDAY! Sara is still freaked out by a Shakespears Sister video flashback from childhood. We explained that you can actually enjoy Las Vegas without gambling, drinking, paying for sex, or using any of the survival supplies from a B-52 bomber. We brought you a guide to throwing the best bachelorette party ever. Dan took a break from the World Cup to look at just how awful Donald Sterling has been during his court case (spoiler: pretty awful). And Kaili, to no one’s surprise, was Mad About A Thing, in this case, spineless Democrats who compromise on women’s healthcare coverage. Read more on Prepare Yourself: We Have Come Unstuck In Time…
  sorry not sorry

I Am Mad About A Thing: Hooray, Todd Akin Has A ‘Book’

Ugh, Todd Akin, right? You remember Todd Akin, of course. He was a Republican representative from Missouri who just might have become a senator from Missouri if he had not made the catastrophic mistake, as Republicans are wont to do, of opening his mouth and saying words. And you remember those words because we all do, because they are tattooed on our brains, and we cannot bleach them away no matter how hard we try: Read more on I Am Mad About A Thing: Hooray, Todd Akin Has A ‘Book’…
  yeah yeah we know

Ghost Breitbart Exposes Clay Aiken’s Record Of Threatening To Punch Ann Coulter In The Face

We learn all sorts of interesting things by reading Dead Breitbart’s Newshole for Scabies-Blighted Ragemonkeys, like for instance that minor congressional candidate and former American Idolater Clay Aiken is liberals’ “favorite congressional candidate in North Carolina,” which we have to admit is a pretty small population to start with. Breitbart horcrux John Nolte advises us that diligent Citizen Journalist “SooperMexican” has posted a reminder that back in 2012, Aiken tweeted a mean thing, and then deleted the tweet to hide his shame. Here is the unspeakable thing that Aiken tweeted: “anyone else watching @piersmorgan want to punch Ann Coulter in the face?” Instead of following that with “Honestly, doesn’t everyone? But one must be civilized,” the Breitbartian goes on to condemn the Democrats’ “war on women” blahblahblah. Because, you see, Democrats are all hypocrites who secretly want to beat women senseless! Read more on Ghost Breitbart Exposes Clay Aiken’s Record Of Threatening To Punch Ann Coulter In The Face…
  now you see it

Sportsball Player Darren Sharper: Magically, Rape Isn’t Rape If You Don’t Say The Word ‘Rape’

Have you been trying to sort out the complex distinction between Whoopi Goldberg’s “rape rape” and Todd Akin’s “legtimate rape” and plain old rape? Well now here is Very Famous Allegedly Rapey Former NFL Sportsball Player Darren Sharper to make this even more nonsensical: he was having some good old non-consensual sex but that isn’t actually rape, duh. Read more on Sportsball Player Darren Sharper: Magically, Rape Isn’t Rape If You Don’t Say The Word ‘Rape’…
  a little more talk and a lot less action

In 2014, GOP Tries New Tactic Of Not Being Dickish To Women, Again

Hey ladies. 2014 is around the corner, and that means that more GOP candidates will be mansplaining to you about how you shouldn’t be raped illegitimately and that military boys will be rapey boys so shut your mouth and make a goddam sammich. But this time around, the GOP wants to win over the Ovary-American vote. Not through legislation around equal pay or the ability to make decisions about their bodies, because that’s just silly. No, the GOP wants to learn its candidates to talk more better to the ladies, per Politico: The National Republican Congressional Committee wants to make sure there are no Todd Akin-style gaffes next year, so it’s meeting with top aides of sitting Republicans to teach them what to say — or not to say — on the trail, especially when their boss is running against a woman. In Merica, where 54% of the electorate are vagina-Americans, the majority of the House of Representatives needs to hold classes on how not to insult women. If this isn’t American Exceptionalism, we don’t know what is. Let’s sexplore.  Read more on In 2014, GOP Tries New Tactic Of Not Being Dickish To Women, Again…
  the final derptier

House GOP Will Explain To NASA All About This Space And Science Stuff

Hello, have you met the Republican wingnuts on the House Science Committee? They include: Paul Broun, who has told supporters that evolution and the big bang theory “are lies straight from the pit of hell,”  and Dana Rorhabacher, who once suggested that temperature fluctuations on earth millions of years ago can be traced to dinosaur flatulence. There is also good old Todd Akin, who has stated that “legitimate” rape cannot result in pregnancy because women’s bodies have a way to “shut that whole thing down.” So it is not really a big surprise that these learned men reviewed NASA’s carefully prepared plans, shot them to shit, and gave them new marching orders to complete on a reduced budget: Read more on House GOP Will Explain To NASA All About This Space And Science Stuff…
  so's your face

The Instapundit Would Like All You Ladies To Know Just How Very Much Democrats Hate You

Glenn “Instapundit” Reynolds, last seen in these pages mansplaining to Gabby Giffords that she should sit down and shut up and not worry her pretty little ventilated head about all those guns someone might use to shoot someone else in the brain, would like all the wimmenz to know that it is the Democrats what are making not love but war on you all the time: If you look past words to actual deeds, most of the action in the war on women seems to be coming from the Democratic front lately. Sure, if by lately you mean “last week.” The week before that (and before that, and before that) it was coming from Republicans in Texas and North Carolina and Wisconsin and Indiana and North Dakota. And on a daily basis in our Twitter feed it comes much more from conservatives complaining about horrors such as how they think they are being forced to pay for slut pills so women can have sexytimes without getting knocked up, and also for a whole host of other very unsexy health issues that conservatives never want to acknowledge doctors will often prescribe slut pills for. And it is not liberals that are constantly trying to run Planned Parenthood out of business by flat-out lying about the organization’s activities in order to remove a source of help for family planning and women’s health issues from our nation’s (usually much poorer) communities. Read more on The Instapundit Would Like All You Ladies To Know Just How Very Much Democrats Hate You…
  occupy your uterus

House GOP Bans Abortions After 20 Weeks, Unemployment Rate Somehow Unaffected

To the complete surprise of no Wonketeers anywhere, the House of Representatives yesterday passed their bill aimed at alienating women everywhere outlawing abortions after 20 weeks. The effort, nothing more than an empty gesture to throw red meat to anti-choice whackadoos, has been a calamitous clusterfuck of epic proportions from start to finish. But before we review just how awful the Republicans have been, let’s see the final score, via TPM: House Republicans passed legislation to ban abortions nationwide after 20 weeks of pregnancy. The final vote was 228-196; six Democrats and six Republicans crossed party lines. The Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act carves out exemptions to protect the life of the mother, and for cases of rape and incest as long as the crimes have been reported. It won’t go any further because Democrats control the Senate and White House. But it is invigorating both sides of a culture war that has deeply divided the country for generations. War on Women part 532, here we come! Because fucking with women’s rights worked out so well for the GOP in 2012, eh, President Romney?  Read more on House GOP Bans Abortions After 20 Weeks, Unemployment Rate Somehow Unaffected…
  the baby is holding his own

Texas Rep. Michael Burgess: Ban Abortion, Because Fetuses Can’t Stop Masturbating

Golly, it’s been, what, a whole bunch of hours since someone on the right said something incredibly stupid about abortion, so we guess this is right on schedule: Texas Congressman Michael Burgess (R-Like We Had To Say “R”) has a whole new reason to ban abortion at 20 weeks, and maybe earlier: masturbating fetuses. Specifically, the former OB/GYN said, Watch a sonogram of a 15-week baby, and they have movements that are purposeful … They stroke their face. If they’re a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs. If they feel pleasure, why is it so hard to believe that they could feel pain? Great question, idiot! Burgess’s comments immediately vaulted him to the top of the “Saying Dumb Things With Your Mouth Hole Open” division in Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Awards, and launched the twitter hashtag #MasturbatingFetuses, which was played out about as quickly as you’d expect. Read more on Texas Rep. Michael Burgess: Ban Abortion, Because Fetuses Can’t Stop Masturbating…
  Losing is the new Winning

More Legitimate Advice from a GOP Loser: Todd Akin Un-Ironically Discusses Winning

Seems like there are lots of failed Republicans taking positions on what the GOP should do to stop losing all the time. First, Bob Dole had a sad about the Tea Party on Sunday TeeVee, and the GOP was all argle bargle, what a losing loser who lost to Billy Blojob in the 90s. What the GOP really needs is a more recent loser to give radically different advice.  Are there any failed Republicans who couldn’t win a red state that Mittens VanRomneyworth won by 10 points? Perhaps a piggish prick who made statements about “legitimate rape” based on some zany branch of 1950’s whack-‘science’ used to denigrate womenfolk? Then please, we beg you to write a column about how the GOP can win, because you are the exact person who should be lecturing us! Thanks, former-Rep. Todd Akin! Not only are you a legitimate loser, but your post is just crazy enough to ensure that any Republican stoopid enough to follow your advice will soon follow in your footsteps of losing badly and being forced to whore yourself out to WND, just like Pennsylvania loser and famous-for-his-last-name Rick Santorum. And Yr Wonkette apologizes to legitimate whores everywhere for that comparison. Let’s see what this assclown had to say about achieving a victory that he himself managed to piss away! Read more on More Legitimate Advice from a GOP Loser: Todd Akin Un-Ironically Discusses Winning…
  Getting Medieval

Things You Didn’t Know You Needed To Worry About: Getting Raped By Demons

You may have been under the impression that when Christianists think about rape, they mostly think about how women are either asking for it by not screaming quite loudly enough or dressing like the sluts that everyone knows they are, or lying about it so they can murder a babby, or maybe using it as the first metaphor that comes to mind for everything that happens, ever. But you would be incorrect! It turns out that at least some members of the wingnut beliefosphere are actually concerned about real, genuine rapey-rape of the sort that happens when a demon from hell literally forces itself sexually upon a human being. This is a topic that Susan Brownmiller never addressed, which just goes to show how out of touch the radical feminists are. This rather breathless piece in “CharismaMagazine” warns, “As bizarre as it sounds, those who minister to people in occult bondage say it’s more common than you think.” So apparently the reason this demon-rape epidemic has gone underreported is that no one was asking the experts. Read more on Things You Didn’t Know You Needed To Worry About: Getting Raped By Demons…
  who's the job creator now jerks

A Children’s Treasury Of Job Applications For Defeated GOP Wingnuts

Oh, yeah, sure, say Obama “saved the economy” or whatever, and maybe unemployment is “on the way down,” by and large, if you’re into numbers or blah blah blah, but listen up, little Cleverpants you, because there are people who lost their jobs not two days ago. They are Republicans, booted out the door by an electorate that for some reason has a problem with politicians being completely off their gourds. They were not nice fellows (and yes, they are all fellows), and they had policies that were… not so great. And now they are unemployed, and sad. But this is America, where we encourage people to pull themselves up by their bootstraps! Take personal responsibility for themselves, and not be 47-percenters! We don’t have to worry about Unemployed Mitt Romney, as he can just crawl under his quilt of unreleased tax returns and whistle the days away, collecting dollars, but other Republicans may fall on hard times when their government paychecks don’t show up. We’ve found some jobs for them, to help them out of the slavery of government dependency. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Job Applications For Defeated GOP Wingnuts…
  a gentleman and a scholar and actually neither

Shocker: ‘Legitimate Raper’ Todd Akin Was Really Mean To Women, Has Insane Murdery Friend

Craaaazy news out of Missouri, everybody. You will not believe which of their politicians was arrested eight times at abortion clinics, then got himself elected to the state legislature. Would you believe it was Sen. Todd Akin (R-Uterus)? It was! As hard as it might be to believe, the guy who got all scandalized after he decided to talk about “legitimate rape” is not just supportive of anti-abortion legislation, he was (ahem, allegedly) also so voceriferously abusive to women at clinics that the police had to carry him away. What dedication! Most people just donate to Richard Mourdock — Akin finds ladies and insults them, personally! Read more on Shocker: ‘Legitimate Raper’ Todd Akin Was Really Mean To Women, Has Insane Murdery Friend…
  in jesus's name we slay

Oregon Man Protesting To Save God’s Precious Rape-Babies Stabs Other Man Seven Times

Well this does not seem so loving and joyful and Christ-like, but hey, what do we know. An Oregon man who is not Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin, or Indiana Senate candidate Richard Mourdock, and who’s been protesting for months outside a Planned Parenthood that doesn’t even offer abortion services got into a small bit of a brouhaha when a young lady kicked his stupid sign, and then he pushed her to the ground, and then she came back with her dad, and her dad punched the dude in the face a bunch of times, and then the first dude stabbed the dad a lot. Read more on Oregon Man Protesting To Save God’s Precious Rape-Babies Stabs Other Man Seven Times…
  legitimate rape

Adorable Right-Wing Group NFIB Displays Feminine Side By Expressing Support For Breast Cancer, Legitimate Rape

We spent most of our lives thinking that breast cancer sucks — our mother is a breast cancer survivor, after all — but apparently we were just thinking small, blinded to the huge political opportunity that breast cancer presents for misogynist shitbags who want to appear pro-woman without actually doing anything pro-woman. Take,  for example, the NFIB (National Federal of Independent Businesses), an adorable far-right business association which spends most of its time suing Obamacare and calling Teddy Kennedy “public enemy No. One,” and which is funding the campaigns of Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin and Ed “Life-Begins-at-Conception” Emery. The NFIB! They’re so cute! Read more on Adorable Right-Wing Group NFIB Displays Feminine Side By Expressing Support For Breast Cancer, Legitimate Rape…
  totally normal

How Is Todd Akin Helping Claire McCaskill Today?

Oh how SHOCKING! We have just confirmed, via video, that crazy things have been coming out of Todd Akin’s mouth for many years now. For example, did you know that Todd Akin’s daughter writes science fiction stories about a dystopian future wherein child care is widely available and administered with efficiency, and that Todd Akin has cited these stories on the House floor to support his arguments against stem cell research? He is against stem cell research because a pregnant woman is like an air conditioner that runs on food instead of electricity, wherein resides a person like your Wonkette (if you are lucky) or Todd Akin (if you are not lucky). Read more on How Is Todd Akin Helping Claire McCaskill Today?…
  war against war against war against women

How Is Missouri Senate Candidate Todd Akin Setting His Compound On Fire Today?

When Republican consultant Kellyanne Conway told Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin to be more like David Koresh — the cult leader in Waco whose standoff with the ATF led to the death of 80 of his followers and himself — apparently, Todd Akin listened! So how did Todd Akin set his compound on fire today? Oh just by saying that the Equal Pay Act, which dates back to 1963 and says it is illegal to pay Fallopian-Americans less than men solely on the basis of their plumbing, is unfair, because freedom. Read more on How Is Missouri Senate Candidate Todd Akin Setting His Compound On Fire Today?…