Wonkette

Friday

• Missy Elliott @ Ibiza, “Missy Elliott helps us old, stodgy hip-hop cats remember that sometimes you have to turn off your brain, because her subject matter rarely veers from salacious come-ons and crowing about her newest material excesses. She knows she can keep the meter stuck on silly and make you powerless to resist it; her lyrics are slick, tasty junkfood and her beats are wonders of gluteal motivation.” $20, 9PM. [WP]

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English Separatists will be performing live at the DC Reggae Awards, featuring a special guest performance by Hillary Clinton and Parliament-Funkadelic, in a whirlwind synthesis of Cambodia rock, Ethiopian jazz, and Ken Burns documentaries. All the details (plus something to do in Texas!) after the jump. MORE »

If you are a lobbyist in DC this weekend, you will be busy having corrupt sex with John McCain. If you’re not a lobbyist, but still in DC, you should check out our fair city’s myriad events this weekend, like a performance by the DC Rollergirls, with whom John McCain also probably has sex. MORE »

Biz Markie! 112! Venereal diseases! It’s like Valentine’s Day, all over again! Lots more love and affection after the jump. MORE »

Chris Rock is back! Again! Exciting! Also, some more weekend stand-up comedy, and an even more diverse palette of musical entertainment (New Mexico rap/rock?), all after the jump. Don’t forget to tip your editors. MORE »

Hey, isn’t the Super Bowl this weekend? Are the Redskins playing? No? Impossible! Anyways, there’s a decent degree of debauchery around the city this weekend, so long as you’re into 1960s rock and roll bands and neo-classical R&B. Football blows. MORE »

Every now and then, we come across legitimate excuses to get trashed on a Monday - proof of God’s everlasting love for the working man (and woman, I guess). If you’re still in the District and have yet plan out your New Year’s festivities, you’ve got quite a few options for how to spend your final evening of 2007 (some more expensive than others). It’s been one hell of a year, and we’re going to try to make it one hell of a night. MORE »

Christmas tiiiime is heeeeere. Something, something…something. Anyway, if you’re still in the District (or any of its surrounding principalities), there’s some fun to be had around town, at least if you’re into strippers or Rufus Wainwright. But please, people, go the fuck home already! Merry Secularism! MORE »

Are you feeling all warm and Christmas-y yet? No? Are you depressed? If not, you might enjoy some of the District’s holiday-ish festivities this weekend, if only for all of the alcohol that’s likely to be involved. Also, Jesus loves you. MORE »

Who says there’s nothing to do in DC on the weekends? In the coming days, for example, we’ve got M.I.A., a “Nightlife Tour,” and some Burlesque! Although these are in Baltimore, Bethesda and Arlington, respectively. But you can totally drive to them from DC Proper. MORE »