IT’S 9/11 + HALLOWEEN × INFINITY: Human oddity Michael Jackson is dead, according to a chain of increasingly reliable media outlets starting with TMZ and ending with Raw Story the New York Times. (Just kidding, it’s only TMZ and some blogs. The LA Times says he’s in a coma … and NOW he’s officially deceased.) Michael Jackson was 50 and just acted hella weird all the time. [Every News Outlet For The Next Week]

HMM. And what is with the clown socks? [TMZ]

Oh look it’s Carey Torrice, County Commissioner in Macomb County, Michigan! Some e-mail we just got, completely unrelated, tells us that Macomb County is a bellwether for the state. Important! And Carey Torrice, who recently won TMZ’s search for America’s hottest politician, pretty much runs it. And yet, despite having a hot piece of ass as County Commissioner, Macomb residents are complaining about the TMZ article, which “has featured photos taken from Torrice’s own Web site that show her in various sexy costumes.” Well then! Let’s check out Torrice’s website shall we? MORE »

Here, according to showbiz site TMZ.com, is “the most hated man in reality TV,” who somehow got “into Obama’s face” yesterday, at a BBQ joint in Virginia somewhere. This, according to TMZ, is proof that the Secret Service is trying to kill Barack Obama. [TMZ]

Here’s your beloved 2004 presidential loser John Kerry, enjoying a “B.J.” on the docks of Nantucket, where he encountered a “party boat” full of these gals, especially this one with the “penis straw” (for practice) and then this one with the “crotch shot.” All of this is on TMZ.com, of course, because John Kerry is the new whoever-they-write-about guy! MORE »

DOES HIS WIFE KNOW WHERE HE IS?: Yesterday the videographers at TMZ ran into disgraced former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, just a-walkin’ the streets of New York City! He was evidently searching for new prostitutes while carrying a tabbed folder, which was also filled with prostitutes. In this 20-second video, Spitzer says that he is “working,” which is black street slang for “being a homeless STD-riddled bum.” Eliot Spitzer is completely naked for this entire video. [TMZ]

Last Saturday, the Clark County, Nevada Republican party held its convention, and the biggest story was the keynote speaker who laughed at Obama for being abandoned by two (NON-WHITE) fathers. Ha ha, poor Hopey. Apparently, however, it was the Clark County officials who were doing the abandoning — of their morals. MORE »