Tag Archives: TMZ

  Don't You Boys Know Any Nice Songs?

Cops Laugh And Chortle And Ho-Ho-Ho To Song About Dead Black Boy

I'm not touching you...OK, I'm throwing you to the pavement, but not touching you...
From the “Lighten up, it’s only a JOKE” files, we have this delightful little ditty about “Dead, dead Michael Brown, Baddest thug in the whole damn town,” which was performed at an Elks Lodge in Glendale, California, following a charity golf event on Dec. 15, according to TMZ. The dinner was organized by former LAPD officer Joe Myers, and was attended by between 50 and 60 people, roughly half of whom were retired law enforcement officers. TMZ’s source for the recording is identified only as someone at the event who “videotaped it because they were offended by the song and upset no one was objecting.” You know, a troublemaker who simply doesn’t respect people’s privacy (there’s your lede, Mr. Hannity). Read more on Cops Laugh And Chortle And Ho-Ho-Ho To Song About Dead Black Boy…
  Trust Me: I Suck!

NFL’s Roger Goodell Is Useless Goober, Has Better Job Than You

At least he's sorry
NFL President Roger Goodell held a press conference today in which he apologized for being a completely worthless crapbird in his handling of the league’s multiple problems with players who have committed domestic violence and child abuse. He insisted that he holds himself to the highest possible standards, which is why he also is sure he can keep his promise to do better and not let players’ off-field brutality fall between the cracks anymore. Read more on NFL’s Roger Goodell Is Useless Goober, Has Better Job Than You…
  Saturday Night's All Right For Fighting

Palin Rumble Update: Palins Didn’t Start The Fight, They Just Finished It

Details still trickling in
More details continue to emerge regarding the Great Big Palin Brawl of ’14. We aren’t going to go into all the various he-said/she-said/she-screeched-like-a-demented-hellbeast scenarios, but the basics are that a whole bunch of Palins got into a punching match with a number of lesser mortals at a Sept. 6 birthday party in Anchorage, apparently because Track Palin took exception to the presence of a former boyfriend of young Arbor Day Palin. Read more on Palin Rumble Update: Palins Didn’t Start The Fight, They Just Finished It…
  the doctor is in

Dr. Ben Carson: Stop Demonizing Lady-Beater Ray Rice, He Just Needs Our Help

Don't argue with science
When you are trying to run for president without the benefit of current elected office or pre-existing celebrity, you have to make good use of the news cycle. Would-be Republican candidate Dr. Ben Carson did not hesitate to jump on the Ray Rice streetcar as it lumbered past on Monday but refused to pay the Ray-hating fare, insisting instead that the man who laid out his then-fiancée on the floor of an elevator simply needs our help. Read more on Dr. Ben Carson: Stop Demonizing Lady-Beater Ray Rice, He Just Needs Our Help…
  An Excellent Time ... For You To Die!

Lost: Joan Rivers’s Sh*t. If Found, Please Back Away Slowly

Joan Rivers had some thoughts about the Palestinians, and how they should probs shut up and die if they were too stupid to get out of Gaza when the going is good. (To where, you ask? How about the sea!) But is she sorry? Yes! Or at least her publicist is. Read more on Lost: Joan Rivers’s Sh*t. If Found, Please Back Away Slowly…
  fingerpointing blamegaming with alec baldwin

Alec Baldwin Did Not Gay Slur That Man, But If He Did It Was Shia LaBeouf’s Fault

Here is an oral history of the Trials of Alec Baldwin, and would you believe Alec Baldwin is not to blame for gay slurring that man whom he did not gay slur? (“All this is based on the fact of them believing what I said on a video.”) Before we get to the endless Old Testament-styley begats of everyone in the world who is to blame for Alec Baldwin gay-slurring that man, which, we repeat, he did not do, a warmup: Read more on Alec Baldwin Did Not Gay Slur That Man, But If He Did It Was Shia LaBeouf’s Fault…
  jerks

Total Non-Homophobe Alec Baldwin Has A Gay Hairdresser, Everyone, Call Off Your Dogs!

Alec Baldwin got in a tetch of trouble the other day for calling a photographer a cocksucking faggot. We did not report on this at the time because “like it is news that Alec Baldwin is being shitty.” But then Alec Baldwin did such as stupid thing that even we, known Alec Baldwin apologists because “sexy daddy,” are just about out of words at the dumbness of it all. You guys, Alec Baldwin wants you to know that he could not be homohobic because he lets a gay man cut his hair. CASE CLOSED. Read more on Total Non-Homophobe Alec Baldwin Has A Gay Hairdresser, Everyone, Call Off Your Dogs!…
  all the sarah palin news that's fit to ... fuck it

Sarah Palin Tells Someone Who Is Not Sarah Palin To Get A Clue, Plus Like Three Other Things Jesus She Will Not Shut Up

Unfortunately your browser does not support IFrames. Sarah Palin — Levi Johnston is a ‘DEADBEAT DAD!’ – Watch More Celebrity Videos or Subscribe Sweet Jesus there are actually like four separate Sarah Palin items in the news today, and at the rate they are piling up there will be 12 more before this even gets wrote. First! Sarah Palin called the father of her grandson a “deadbeat dad” and snarled at the TMZ reporter to “get a clue.” That does not seem like good grandparenting or in-law-ing, to raise your grandchild with the notion that his daddy is a deadbeat, even when he probly is! Also, Sarah Palin does not have a pretty voice :( Read more on Sarah Palin Tells Someone Who Is Not Sarah Palin To Get A Clue, Plus Like Three Other Things Jesus She Will Not Shut Up…
  nice time!

Friday Nice Time: WWE Wrestler Exits Closet, What Are You Gonna Do About It?

As a reward to our loyal readers for slogging through a week of stories that would probably have even the Brady Bunch chugging hemlock together, we present today’s Nice Time, wherein a man who makes his living oiling his body and wrestling other men while wearing nothing but short shorts reveals that he is indeed a proud Homo-American. Meet Darren Young, a superstar of the World Wrestling Entertainment organization. While passing through the baggage claim at Los Angeles International Airport yesterday, a TMZ cameraman stopped to chat and wound up with quite a scoop: “A videographer stopped Young while he was getting his bags at LAX Wednesday and asked the 33-year-old if he thinks a gay wrestler could be successful within the WWE organization. ‘Absolutely,’ Young said, laughing. ‘Look at me. I’m a WWE Superstar and, to be honest with you, I’ll tell you right now, I’m gay, and I’m happy. Very happy.'” Read more on Friday Nice Time: WWE Wrestler Exits Closet, What Are You Gonna Do About It?…
  pictures of billy

Justin Bieber Excretes His Manly Essence On Bill Clinton’s Face

Unfortunately your browser does not support IFrames. Justin Bieber Pisses Into Restaurant Mop Bucket — ‘F*** Bill Clinton!’ – Watch More Celebrity Videos or Subscribe Above you see TMZ’s adorable footage of 9-year-old lesbian Justin Bieber urinating into a mop bucket, speaking in perfect Caucbonics, and jizzing his spray bottle on the face of Bill Clinton. Why does Justin Bieber hate Bill Clinton? Let us ponder every possible option! Read more on Justin Bieber Excretes His Manly Essence On Bill Clinton’s Face…
  deep threat

Bob Woodward: I Am Terrible In Bed

When the honest to God actual journalists at TMZ (seriously; have they ever been wrong about anything?) ran into Hero of American Journamalism Bob Woodward, they had some important questions at the ready, like “why are you the worst writer in the universe,” and “how come you constantly lie?” and “how’s your court-mandated remedial journalism school going?” Oh wait, they did not ask those things, but that is okay, because instead they asked whether Robert Redford’s portrayal of him had led to Woodward’s getting so much trim. Read more on Bob Woodward: I Am Terrible In Bed…
  fistful of dolts

Mitt Romney Is An Idiot For Letting Clint Eastwood Speak, Explains Clint Eastwood

video platformvideo managementvideo solutionsvideo player Hey, everybody cannot be good at everything. Che Guevara, for instance, was very good at being sexy and riding his motorcycle and killing people, but very bad at being Minister of Factories or whatever for Cuba. His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney, in the meantime, is very good at having been born to a wealthy, powerful man, but very bad at being Mr. Manager! Take, for example, every decision he has ever made, but especially the decision to let an 82-year-old man give a primetime speech, without a script. Read more on Mitt Romney Is An Idiot For Letting Clint Eastwood Speak, Explains Clint Eastwood…
  snooki probably

Chris Christie Now Getting Into Random Bum Fights With Jersey Shore Passersby

Nope, not kidding. The shouty New Jersey Governor is now yelling at any constituents strolling the scenic Jersey Shore who might happen to take issue with his stance on screaming at teachers (i.e., that he is for it). TMZ has the exciting footage of what looks to be the corpulent mister preparing to chest bump the man who dared to attack him with the harsh words “Nah, just take care of the teachers!” Read more on Chris Christie Now Getting Into Random Bum Fights With Jersey Shore Passersby…
  enormous penis

Donald Trump Now Waving His Junk At Hot Transgendered Miss Universe Lady (AUDIO!)

Oh, Donald Trump, WHY did you get out of the presidential race? Whyyyyyyy? First your Miss Universe pageant, that you own, was all nuh uh beautiful transgendered Miss Canada contestant, you did not feeeeel like a natural woman (woman). And then they were all, eh, why not, chick is super, SUPER hot! And then Gloria Allred got in it (as she does) and was all HEY WE DIDN’T ASK TRUMP SHOW US HIIIIIS PEE-PEE? And then Donald Trump opened his yap because he cannot not open his yap, and called into TMZ Live (?!) and said, “I think Gloria would be very impressed with my cock.” (We think it was “cock.” TMZ elides it in his transcript as [my penis], and their media player is crap. Anyway, we will assume that Donald Trump is calling into TMZ and talking about his “cock,” because it’s exactly what we would do if we were Donald Trump.) Read more on Donald Trump Now Waving His Junk At Hot Transgendered Miss Universe Lady (AUDIO!)…
  rare link between politics and porn

Gal Who Interned For Hillary Clinton’s Office Is Now Doing Pornos

America’s political paper of record, TMZ.com, has yet another hot new blog story about how somebody tangentially involved in politics also has naked pictures on the Internet. If you’re a fan of low-end Web porn, you will certainly be excited about this gal, who once worked as an intern in Hillary Clinton’s field office in Buffalo! Read more on Gal Who Interned For Hillary Clinton’s Office Is Now Doing Pornos…
  and then straight to rhodes scholarship

Bristol Palin To Fulfill Her Destiny By Attending Arizona State

TMZ has learned that America’s greatest tabloid teenage prodigy, Bristol Palin, bought that giant foreclosed heap of architectural sin in exurban Arizona because she wants to attend America’s finest institution of higher learnin’, Arizona State, also known as “The Cambridge of the Great Air-Conditioned Desert.” Sure, your editor, who went to a private university with its “standards” and “minuscule dropout rate,” will make fun of Arizona State, as he just has, because he is a vile elitist with a history of “scholarships.” But for twenty-year-olds of dubious academic achievement like Bristol, who flunked health class and thus had babies in high school and went on to receive a GED out of pity, Arizona State is Harvard. And their quidditch is getting black-out drunk, showing their tits, and getting raped by twenty or so frat boys in their slumber. Which is better than the dorkiness of quidditch, at least. Read more on Bristol Palin To Fulfill Her Destiny By Attending Arizona State…
  unleash the campaign-documents-raken

Levi Johnston Files Candidacy For Mayor of Wasilla Hearts

Internet municipal-election registration-document compendium TMZ has obtained Levi Johnston’s Alaska Public Offices Commission letter of intent to run for office in Wasilla. Apparently Levi is running for “City of Wasilla 2011.” Is it possible to be elected a city rather than just elected to an office of that city? IT’S UP TO THE VOTERS. Read more on Levi Johnston Files Candidacy For Mayor of Wasilla Hearts…
  he's out of my life

IT’S 9/11 + HALLOWEEN × INFINITY: Human oddity Michael Jackson is dead, according to a chain of increasingly reliable media outlets starting with TMZ and ending with Raw Story the New York Times. (Just kidding, it’s only TMZ and some blogs. The LA Times says he’s in a coma … and NOW he’s officially deceased.) Michael Jackson was 50 and just acted hella weird all the time. [Every News Outlet For The Next Week] Read more on …
  sexy politicians

America’s Hottest Politician Has Fantastic Website

Oh look it’s Carey Torrice, County Commissioner in Macomb County, Michigan! Some e-mail we just got, completely unrelated, tells us that Macomb County is a bellwether for the state. Important! And Carey Torrice, who recently won TMZ’s search for America’s hottest politician, pretty much runs it. And yet, despite having a hot piece of ass as County Commissioner, Macomb residents are complaining about the TMZ article, which “has featured photos taken from Torrice’s own Web site that show her in various sexy costumes.” Well then! Let’s check out Torrice’s website shall we? Read more on America’s Hottest Politician Has Fantastic Website…
  national security

Some TeeVee Creep Gets Close To Obama

Here, according to showbiz site TMZ.com, is “the most hated man in reality TV,” who somehow got “into Obama’s face” yesterday, at a BBQ joint in Virginia somewhere. This, according to TMZ, is proof that the Secret Service is trying to kill Barack Obama. [TMZ] Read more on Some TeeVee Creep Gets Close To Obama…