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Posts Tagged ‘time’

'WE HAVE MET THE FREAK SHOW AND IT IS US'

Mark Halperin Criticizes Other Media Figures And Judges Other Humans

Friday, August 7th, 2009

Time magazine chief clownsack Mark Halperin, the reporter who modernized “bullshit” for the post-Cold War era, is cold goin’ nuts in this, the most anticipated edition of HALPERIN’S TAKE in 350 years. He actually produces some trenchant TAKES within his ten TAKES, but we all know that this is what’s really getting him all riled up: “7. Please stop saying that Matt Drudge has lost his influence — or that those who point out his obvious influence are therefore celebrating his influence.” Yeah come on guys! Mark Halperin’s got like nine books resting on the key assertion that Matt Drudge determines everything in politics! [The Page]


AMERICA'S GREATEST REPORTERS

Halperin: Everyone Not Named ‘Sean Hannity’ Is WRONG About Palin

Monday, July 6th, 2009

TIME magazine’s chief political sociopath Mark Halperin, who is right about most things, in politics, is urging readers of his The Page website to memorize Sean Hannity’s interpretation of Sarah Palin’s steamy resignation, oh boy. Sean Hannity says not to trust the media! Since such parameters would ostensibly include Mark Halperin, we agree with Sean Hannity. But what non-Hannity conclusions does Halperin include in the latest not-annoying edition of “HALPERIN’S TAKE,” not-annoyingly titled “9 Pieces of ‘Analysis’ About Sarah Palin’s Decision That Are Flat-Out Totally Wrong”? MORE »


THE WEEK THAT WAS

Saturday, May 30th, 2009

WAIT WHAT?

Because TIME Fired Him, Michael Kinsley’s Pretty Disappointed With This ‘New’ Newsweek

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

Boy, slate used to kick some ASS.Michael Kinsley, the dignified journalist and dinner companion to David Denby, starts his review of the new Newsweek reboot with this: “Having recently been dumped by Time, I naturally had great hopes for this week’s much-anticipated makeover of Newsweek.” And 2,000 annoying words later — including a long bit about masturbating to a large photograph of the homophobic idiot Miss California — he closes with this: “Don’t forget to cancel your subscription to Time while you’re at it.” MORE »


DC'S MOST IMPORTANT JOURNALISTIC DINNER-DANCE

Your Anti-Climactic And Partial Wonkette WHCD 2k9 Report, With Fotos!

Monday, May 11th, 2009

Just to the left of this photo is a 9-foot 350-pound brainsmasher who happens to be Rahm Emanuel’s Secret Service guy (he usually carries Rahm around on piggyback, with Rahm brandishing a whip, yelling, “Faster, seeee?”) As the flash goes off, Rahm is saying to this Colossus, basically, “Why is the fucking Wonkette kid taking my fucking picture at this fucking Atlantic party?” But that cannot be confirmed.

Oh you want more pictures from the two things we went to this weekend, for the White House Dinner-Dance? Sorry, you’re not on the list, and we can’t let anyone who isn’t on the list look at our photos. But okay. MORE »


KENNEDY FIGHT!

Ted Kennedy Hates Caroline Kennedy For Blaming Dropout On His Cancer

Thursday, January 22nd, 2009

Jesus Christ, Caroline Kennedy: next time you think about running for any office (/harassing blind people for Senate jobs), just ignore it and throw a fundraiser for poor illiterate kids or whatever instead? Her surprise dropout yesterday, once she realized that she was out of her element and/or NOT THE PICK, has taken yet another hilarious and tragic twist that probably could have been avoided: Ted Kennedy is mad at some of her people for blaming her exit on Ted’s “declining health,” as in, Caroline had no idea just how bad her uncle’s RAREST AND MOST DEADLIEST POSSIBLE FORM OF BRAIN CANCER was until he started floppin’ around at that luncheon Tuesday. Ted and his people obviously want to be kept out of this terrible failure’s failure, and also don’t want her screwing up his work in the Senate, which he attends once every six months for a “victory lap.” MORE »


WORLD HISTORICAL FIGURES

OUR BARRY IS TIME’S PERSON OF THE YEAR

Wednesday, December 17th, 2008

Lampin'Nice hat, dude! In Time’s profoundly insightful cover package, Barack Obama’s brother-in-law reports that the President-elect is “extremely left-handed.” This is obviously some sort of code. But for what???? Anyway FAIL, Time, for not going with a more counterintuitive pick like “The Ghost of Your Fraudulent Mortgage Broker,” or “Cheryl Tiegs.” With that in mind, let’s have a look at the losers who were not designated Hawaiian Shark-God Basketballing Prodigy of the Year. MORE »


VACANT JOURNALISM JOB!

Monday, December 15th, 2008
  • IMPORTANT LOCAL MEDIA NEWS: Time magazine’s Washington bureau chief Jay Carney — of the Newport Carneys? — is leaving his cushy job at the epicenter of conventional wisdom to serve America, as “assistant to the vice president and his director of communications.” Ha ha, good luck with that one, sucker. But now who will read Joe Klein his bedtime stories? [The Page]

NEW NUMBERS FOR YOU LOSERS

Wednesday, September 17th, 2008

She's from fancy Mexican FloridaNEW STATE POLLS!: From Time/CNN, conducted Sept. 14-16, in Battleground States. Florida: Obama 48, McCain 48; Indiana: McCain 51, Obama 45; North Carolina: McCain 48, Obama 47; Ohio: Obama 49, McCain 47; Wisconsin: Obama 50, McCain 47. Residents of these states should expect to see an steady influx of lawyers over the next six weeks. Lawyers! And awful lawyers at that, shipped wholesale from outer space in toxic cartons of live rats. [The Page]


DINGUSES

Mark Halperin Hasn’t Gotten Veep Scoop Yet Because He’s Too Busy Being Annoying

Friday, August 22nd, 2008

Hey you know who has been douchier than usual in the last couple of days is that Mark Halperin, the famous political reporter who thinks he knows everything but is always wrong. His website has all sorts of useful information — campaign press releases, teevee schedules, etc. — but also a constantly updated cycle of crap predictions. This edition of “Halperin’s Take” is the worst thing anyone has ever written about politics. And yesterday he predicted that billion-year-old Republican Sen. Dick Lugar would be Obama’s pick. WTF? And don’t forget this gay little stunt too, in which he mocks political reporters who like to spread the shit without any factual basis. Projecting much? God he is a twit. Why are we even writing about this twit? Who? [The Page, HuffPo]


TIME

Time Showcases Emaciated Pig On Cover

Thursday, May 15th, 2008

This little piggy went to market, ate a bunch of food, and barfed it up to stay slenderHow will we survive the lean economy if there’s no more bacon? [Time] MORE »