Here’s “the news:” tomorrow morning, Barack Obama will speak at 10:10 to outline his plan for closing Guantanamo Bay, if there still is a plan, while Dick Cheney will speak to the American Enterprise Institute at 10:30 re: his favorite torture moments. In other words, if you live anywhere in the continental United States and open your window right now, you’ll be able to hear the violent fapping sounds emanating from Time magazine’s Washington bureau. MORE »

Nice hat, dude! In Time’s profoundly insightful cover package, Barack Obama’s brother-in-law reports that the President-elect is “extremely left-handed.” This is obviously some sort of code. But for what???? Anyway FAIL, Time, for not going with a more counterintuitive pick like “The Ghost of Your Fraudulent Mortgage Broker,” or “Cheryl Tiegs.” With that in mind, let’s have a look at the losers who were not designated Hawaiian Shark-God Basketballing Prodigy of the Year. MORE »

The Time Magazine Man of the Year roadshow rolled into D.C. this morning at an ungodly hour despite the snow to get D.C. opinion leaders’ opinions on who Time should’ve chosen (since they’ve probably already decided) besides You, you narcissistic bastard. To help not decide, they invited Senator Sam Brownback, Representative Ellen Tauscher and Time Magazine employees Mark Halperin and Karen Tumulty. We don’t know why that group of people, really, but they fed us coffee and miniature pastries so that we couldn’t ask because our mouths were full.

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* Tommy Thompson took pages from the Bill Clinton and Bernie Kerik playbooks when he was spewing his seed all over Wisconsin. Pandagon]
* Democrats will “sanction” a series of debates that will not be fair and balanced. [Democrats.org, Election Central]
* Obama’s pile of money is like a beacon in the night, calling Al Gore into the race. [Political Insider]
* In tomorrow’s TIME “shocker,” Joe Klein will call for Bush to be impeached. [E&P]
* Air Force test pilots hot-box their new hot-rods. [Danger Room]
* McCain should get out of the race while he has a clusterfuck in Iraq to blame it on. [CQ Politics]

* Alberto Gonzales is still speaking at the Press Club next month, it’s just the attorney general who’s not. [Hotline on Call]
* Nancy Pelosi goes all the way to Syria for secret ingredient in the Al-Assad family hummus recipe. [Think Progress]
* It’s a pretty lonely planet at the State Department. [Outside the Beltway]
* TIME magazine not too interested in covering what’s going on this time. [The Carpetbagger Report]
* More battleships in the Persian Gulf are just what the doctor ordered. [The Left Coaster]
* How to find out who else is growing weed in your neighborhood. [Hit & Run]
* If you grow it, they will drive. [Just a Bump in the Beltway]
* “An extremely drunk ballerina elephant in tutus who has just lurched into the shop.” [1115]

From the weekend inbox, two emails from Time PR, sent within an hour of each other. It was, apparently, a very momentous and unexpected hour in Baghdad. MORE »

* Disapproval of Bush could drive a rejection of Republican candidates in November. GOP pollster: “Democrats will have an easier time of getting out their vote because of their intense disapproval of the president. That means we Republicans are going to have to bring our ‘A’ turnout game in November.” [WP]
* Rumsfeld’s “grip on the Defense Department is slipping as some uniformed officers increasingly chart their own course.” [W$J]
* Republicans back Rumsfeld on Sunday talk shows. [NYT, USAT]
* 48 American troops have died in Iraq so far this month. [USAT]
* If Roe were overturned, 22 states are likely to “impose significant new restrictions on abortion.” [USAT]
* Josh Bolten officially takes office today; he gave Andy Card an Egg McMuffin on his way out. [USAT]
* Time magazine names Sens. Thad Cochran, Kent Conrad, Dick Durbin, Ted Kennedy, Jon Kyl, Carl Levin, Richard Lugar, John McCain, Olympia Snowe, and Arlen Specter as the nation’s best; Sens. Daniel Akaka, Wayne Allard, Jim Bunning, Conrad Burns, and Mark Dayton considered the worst. [Time]
* Immigration rallies “have also energized those who support a crackdown on illegal immigration.” [NYT]
* Can Rep. Tom DeLay be a lobbyist next? [WP]
* Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) brings sadness to Washington state in an effort to take down Sen. Maria Cantwell (D-Wash.). [WP]
* Supreme Court justices spark laughter just from speaking funny. [USAT]

* Names & Faces: Ana Marie Cox becomes a regular contributor to Time magazine. [WP]
* Lloyd Grove’s Lowdown: Margaret Cho says Bush is too lazy to “be Hitler” and Laura Bush may be trying to kill her husband with second-hand smoke: “She seems like she hates him

Ladies and Gentlemen, the letter to Kim Eisler from Chris Matthews, in all its glory. But you’re hereby warned: Chris Matthews’ friends are going to laugh at you.

(transcription available after the jump)

Earlier: Chris Matthews’ Friends Are So Not Going To Sit With You At Lunch Anymore

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• Good night, New York City. We sure hope you’ve arranged alternate travel plans. [Gothamist] MORE »