Tag Archives: time

  Here have some news n stuff

Stop Hating America So We Can Look Into This Benghazi Thing For The First Time Ever

How good do you heart America?
Talking about torture is just so yesterday. And besides, there is no reason to talk about bad things our country might have done, because we’re America, and we don’t do bad things. And if you say that we do, well, you obviously hate this country and freedom and George Washington. Love it or leave it, haters, because America is THE BEST. So let’s put that unpleasantness whole our government-raped-and-murdered-prisoners thing behind us, because we have far more important things to talk about. Things that really matter. You know what that is: Read more on Stop Hating America So We Can Look Into This Benghazi Thing For The First Time Ever…
  You'll Go Blind But The Planet Will Thank You

Pornhub About To Provide An Even Greater Public Service Than It Already Is

Used to be a man (or a lady!) could watch some tentacle porn in peace, not having to worry about how it might affect the planet at large. But now, thanks to the hippies at Pornhub, we’re all expected to act locally and wank globally. Pornhub, a website that is exactly what it says it is, has announced an exciting Arbor Day initiative that will transform your base, sinful urges into pure, sweet oxygen. According to the (SFW) website for Pornhub’s campaign, in the week following Arbor Day on April 25, Pornhub is donating one tree for every 100 videos watched in its “big dick” category. “While you’re watching some nice pieces of ash, you’ll also be helping spruce America up! (Bushes are optional),” the website says. Oh ho ho, Pornhub, with your saucy sense of humor! Still though, trees, wood, engorged sexual organs, we get the connection here, very clever Pornhub. Read more on Pornhub About To Provide An Even Greater Public Service Than It Already Is…
  a little light viewing

Cosmos Recap: The Speed of Light Is Very Unfair To Creationists

We’re at week 4 of Cosmos: The Rebootening, and since last week was all about how Isaac Newton revolutionized physics, then for this week’s episode, it’s time (and space and gravity) for Einstein. As an English major, Yr. Dok Zoom has what you’d call a “lay understanding” of relativity and some of the crazier stuff in modern physics, which is to say that I understand it up to a point, and then I have to go lay down. Read more on Cosmos Recap: The Speed of Light Is Very Unfair To Creationists…
  take a chicken to the doctor

Time Magazine Helpfully Explains Why A Quick Visit To The ER Costs As Much As A Semester At Harvard

Your Wonkette had to go to the hospital about a year ago for a two hour long procedure. We had a good friend come pick us up, and as we left, she indicated a desire to take the brown paper bag of basic first aid supplies that the doctor had left for us to bring home for after care. DO NOT TAKE THE BROWN PAPER BAG, we yelled. DO NOT TAKE IT! But our friend was worried, so she took the brown paper bag anyway, and we were charged $20 for a bunch of gauze and a couple Tylenol. Whatever, this was small potatoes, since the entire bill was over $2500 for this two hour procedure, and it was tough to get particularly excited over $20, but still, it was the principle of the thing! And in the grand scheme of it all, we got off easy! $2500 for a two hour procedure? And we got to pay for it a month or two later, after it was all over? Pfft, we had hit the jackpot! Here, let Time magazine tell you about all the ways you could suffer at the hands of our corrupt health care system: Read more on Time Magazine Helpfully Explains Why A Quick Visit To The ER Costs As Much As A Semester At Harvard…
  but he likes it

Mitt Romney Can’t Explain What He Learned from Firing People

I like to learn a fun fact every day, and today I learned TWO fun facts! One is that people still actually read Time, and two is that Romneybot 6000 doesn’t have a scripted response to questions about what he learned from Bain or how Bain in any way qualifies him to be the president of the Greatest Country on Earth. He does, however, know that he has two of the most important qualifications there are: he was born in the United States, and he knows exactly how many people you have to fire to make a businesses grow. From that commie liberal rag the New York Times: “I’d like to have a provision in the Constitution,” he recalled [some guy] saying, “that in addition to the age of the president and the citizenship of the president and the birthplace of the president being set by the Constitution, I’d like it also to say that the president has to spend at least three years working in business before he could become president of the United States.” Mr. Romney did not endorse the idea, but he seemed to like it. He liked it because “working in business,” unlike, presumably, the kind of work that OTHER PEOPLE DO (*cough*Ann Romney*cough*) helps you understand exactly how you have to screw over workers in order to pursue an inflated bottom line for the suits at the top. Read more on Mitt Romney Can’t Explain What He Learned from Firing People…
  nut of the week

Michele Bachmann Honored To Be Noted by TIME Alongside Hitler

Vacant-eyed junior demagogue Michele Bachmann wants to be a famous extremist dingbat just like her rival/idol, Sarah Palin. But how to get better known? The new polls show that 64% of GOP voters have no idea who Michele Bachmann is and only 12% see her “favorably,” so she really needs to amp up the craziness. Why not call for all gay people to be killed? Why not? (Her husband is excused from this, of course, because he was “cured.”) Anyway, all press is good press, so forgotten dentist-office magazine TIME has a blurb about Bachmann written by noted TIME journalist Rush Limbaugh. Keep appeasing the wingnuts, liberal media! Read more on Michele Bachmann Honored To Be Noted by TIME Alongside Hitler…
  boycott image software!

New Time Magazine Obama-Reagan Cover Is Racist Against Conservatives

Hey, did you hear Ronald Reagan’s 100th birthday is next month? Of course you didn’t. You’ve been too busy fasting and praying to Ronald Reagan because OF COURSE HIS BIRTHDAY IS NEXT MONTH. So how would Ronald Reagan like Time magazine to celebrate this occasion of the utmost cosmic importance? “Do you think he would want to be photoshopped onto a magazine cover yukking it up with his political nemesis?” No, probably not. But wait! Look at that cover! They made Reagan put his arm around the Kenyan! This is VERY OFFENSIVE, and now Ronald Reagan will return to destroy the world and rapture the true believers. Read more on New Time Magazine Obama-Reagan Cover Is Racist Against Conservatives…
  the crying game

Nancy Pelosi Doesn’t Understand Why John Boehner Cries So Much

Nancy Pelosi did an interview with Sunday’s The New York Times Magazine in which she let America know that she was not put on the cover of a different, money-hemorrhaging magazine (Time) when she became House speaker. But John Boehner was on the front of that magazine recently, promoting his new role as the star of The Cat in the Hat 2, because he is a MAN. Nancy Pelosi does not like this, even though she says she doesn’t care, so she took the time to tell everyone John Boehner is a big crybaby who weeps over things that don’t matter (like getting a new job title), whereas she barely ever cries because her entire body is made out of testicles. Read more on Nancy Pelosi Doesn’t Understand Why John Boehner Cries So Much…
  a daoist monk for our time

Attainer of Ultimate Enlightenment Alvin Greene Amused By Your Expectation That He Campaign

The Chosen One, Democratic Senate candidate Alvin Greene, still hasn’t left his father’s house in the backroads of South Carolina, but that hasn’t stopped curious journalists and admirers from being drawn to him. And what could be more interesting than Alvin Greene? This man is everything a modern politician is not. But still, after achieving the amazing opportunity of magically becoming the candidate of a major party for U.S. Senate, why does he remain cooped up, unemployed and poor, in this house, rather than taking his message to the streets? The answer, obviously, is that Alvin Greene is a Daoist monk. Read more on Attainer of Ultimate Enlightenment Alvin Greene Amused By Your Expectation That He Campaign…
  today in poetry

Ted Nugent Writes Beautiful Ode To ‘Herculean’ Sarah Palin, For TIME

Somewhat famous rock ‘n’ roll wingnut Ted Nugent is a contributor to the hot new TIME 100 list, which we are too scared to check out in full. (Did Meghan McCain make it, or did Didier Drogba “kick her out” of the last spot? That is a soccer joke!) While Nugent, tragically, did not make this list (again, we don’t know, maybe he did!), he was awarded the prize of writing Sarah Palin’s entry, which begins like so: “If Sarah Palin played a loud, grinding instrument, she would be in my band.” Jesus. Read more on Ted Nugent Writes Beautiful Ode To ‘Herculean’ Sarah Palin, For TIME…
  modern-day heroes

MEGHAN MCCAIN IS PRESIDENT OF TIME MAGAZINE: We have glanced through this new list of the 200 candidates for TIME magazine’s TIME 100, and here are some folks whom TIME considers to be among the 200 most important people in the world: “Snooki,” Meghan McCain, Joe Lieberman, Eric Cantor, Bristol Palin, Samuel Alito, Andrew Breitbart, and then like 190 soccer players. What we’re trying to say is, why hate on Willow? [TIME] Read more on …
  'we have met the freak show and it is us'

Mark Halperin Criticizes Other Media Figures And Judges Other Humans

Time magazine chief clownsack Mark Halperin, the reporter who modernized “bullshit” for the post-Cold War era, is cold goin’ nuts in this, the most anticipated edition of HALPERIN’S TAKE in 350 years. He actually produces some trenchant TAKES within his ten TAKES, but we all know that this is what’s really getting him all riled up: “7. Please stop saying that Matt Drudge has lost his influence — or that those who point out his obvious influence are therefore celebrating his influence.” Yeah come on guys! Mark Halperin’s got like nine books resting on the key assertion that Matt Drudge determines everything in politics! [The Page] Read more on Mark Halperin Criticizes Other Media Figures And Judges Other Humans…
  america's greatest reporters

Halperin: Everyone Not Named ‘Sean Hannity’ Is WRONG About Palin

TIME magazine’s chief political sociopath Mark Halperin, who is right about most things, in politics, is urging readers of his The Page website to memorize Sean Hannity’s interpretation of Sarah Palin’s steamy resignation, oh boy. Sean Hannity says not to trust the media! Since such parameters would ostensibly include Mark Halperin, we agree with Sean Hannity. But what non-Hannity conclusions does Halperin include in the latest not-annoying edition of “HALPERIN’S TAKE,” not-annoyingly titled “9 Pieces of ‘Analysis’ About Sarah Palin’s Decision That Are Flat-Out Totally Wrong”? Read more on Halperin: Everyone Not Named ‘Sean Hannity’ Is WRONG About Palin…
  the week that was

THE WEEK, IN INDEX FORM: Yeah, it was that bad. [Paul Slansky/TIME]
  wait what?

Because TIME Fired Him, Michael Kinsley’s Pretty Disappointed With This ‘New’ Newsweek

Michael Kinsley, the dignified journalist and dinner companion to David Denby, starts his review of the new Newsweek reboot with this: “Having recently been dumped by Time, I naturally had great hopes for this week’s much-anticipated makeover of Newsweek.” And 2,000 annoying words later — including a long bit about masturbating to a large photograph of the homophobic idiot Miss California — he closes with this: “Don’t forget to cancel your subscription to Time while you’re at it.” Read more on Because TIME Fired Him, Michael Kinsley’s Pretty Disappointed With This ‘New’ Newsweek…
  dc's most important journalistic dinner-dance

Your Anti-Climactic And Partial Wonkette WHCD 2k9 Report, With Fotos!

Just to the left of this photo is a 9-foot 350-pound brainsmasher who happens to be Rahm Emanuel’s Secret Service guy (he usually carries Rahm around on piggyback, with Rahm brandishing a whip, yelling, “Faster, seeee?”) As the flash goes off, Rahm is saying to this Colossus, basically, “Why is the fucking Wonkette kid taking my fucking picture at this fucking Atlantic party?” But that cannot be confirmed. Oh you want more pictures from the two things we went to this weekend, for the White House Dinner-Dance? Sorry, you’re not on the list, and we can’t let anyone who isn’t on the list look at our photos. But okay. Read more on Your Anti-Climactic And Partial Wonkette WHCD 2k9 Report, With Fotos!…
  kennedy fight!

Ted Kennedy Hates Caroline Kennedy For Blaming Dropout On His Cancer

Jesus Christ, Caroline Kennedy: next time you think about running for any office (/harassing blind people for Senate jobs), just ignore it and throw a fundraiser for poor illiterate kids or whatever instead? Her surprise dropout yesterday, once she realized that she was out of her element and/or NOT THE PICK, has taken yet another hilarious and tragic twist that probably could have been avoided: Ted Kennedy is mad at some of her people for blaming her exit on Ted’s “declining health,” as in, Caroline had no idea just how bad her uncle’s RAREST AND MOST DEADLIEST POSSIBLE FORM OF BRAIN CANCER was until he started floppin’ around at that luncheon Tuesday. Ted and his people obviously want to be kept out of this terrible failure’s failure, and also don’t want her screwing up his work in the Senate, which he attends once every six months for a “victory lap.” Read more on Ted Kennedy Hates Caroline Kennedy For Blaming Dropout On His Cancer…
  world historical figures

OUR BARRY IS TIME’S PERSON OF THE YEAR

Nice hat, dude! In Time’s profoundly insightful cover package, Barack Obama’s brother-in-law reports that the President-elect is “extremely left-handed.” This is obviously some sort of code. But for what???? Anyway FAIL, Time, for not going with a more counterintuitive pick like “The Ghost of Your Fraudulent Mortgage Broker,” or “Cheryl Tiegs.” With that in mind, let’s have a look at the losers who were not designated Hawaiian Shark-God Basketballing Prodigy of the Year. Read more on OUR BARRY IS TIME’S PERSON OF THE YEAR…
  vacant journalism job!

IMPORTANT LOCAL MEDIA NEWS: Time magazine’s Washington bureau chief Jay Carney — of the Newport Carneys? — is leaving his cushy job at the epicenter of conventional wisdom to serve America, as “assistant to the vice president and his director of communications.” Ha ha, good luck with that one, sucker. But now who will read Joe Klein his bedtime stories? [The Page] Read more on …
  new numbers for you losers

NEW STATE POLLS!: From Time/CNN, conducted Sept. 14-16, in Battleground States. Florida: Obama 48, McCain 48; Indiana: McCain 51, Obama 45; North Carolina: McCain 48, Obama 47; Ohio: Obama 49, McCain 47; Wisconsin: Obama 50, McCain 47. Residents of these states should expect to see an steady influx of lawyers over the next six weeks. Lawyers! And awful lawyers at that, shipped wholesale from outer space in toxic cartons of live rats. [The Page] Read more on …
  dinguses

Mark Halperin Hasn’t Gotten Veep Scoop Yet Because He’s Too Busy Being Annoying

Hey you know who has been douchier than usual in the last couple of days is that Mark Halperin, the famous political reporter who thinks he knows everything but is always wrong. His website has all sorts of useful information — campaign press releases, teevee schedules, etc. — but also a constantly updated cycle of crap predictions. This edition of “Halperin’s Take” is the worst thing anyone has ever written about politics. And yesterday he predicted that billion-year-old Republican Sen. Dick Lugar would be Obama’s pick. WTF? And don’t forget this gay little stunt too, in which he mocks political reporters who like to spread the shit without any factual basis. Projecting much? God he is a twit. Why are we even writing about this twit? Who? [The Page, HuffPo] Read more on Mark Halperin Hasn’t Gotten Veep Scoop Yet Because He’s Too Busy Being Annoying…