tim pawlenty
Romney Campaign Pounces Back With Devastating Ad of Obama Singing Well
The Mitt Romney for President general election campaign, which is finally reaching the hypothetical comedy potential of an entity called the “Mitt Romney for President general election campaign,” refuses to back down on its calls for an apology from its rival campaign. “Romney defends calls for an apology over Bain attacks,” an actual headline reads [...]
Tim Pawlenty Compares Presidential Run to Bungee Jump Fail
Following Monday’s only news story, a 22-year-old Australian woman surviving a bungee cord failing after she jumped into South Africa’s Zambezi River, Tim Pawlenty emerged from the floppy disk drive of our minds to compare his failed presidential bid to jumper Erin Langworthy’s lucky break.
Tim Pawlenty Running For President of Tunisia Now Or Something
Anonymous human entity “Tim Pawlenty” has not had very much luck getting a nation of 300 million people to recognize his existence and much less his stuttering, abortive campaign for American President, so he told reporters he will try his hand somewhere a little easier: “I wish I were still in the race, but now [...]
Mystery Hero ‘Tim Pawlenty’ Returns To Help Pilot Romney Campaign Crash
Perennial ratings black hole CNN is never one to miss out on “something that happened a few days ago,” so they will pull yet another GOP debate out of Wolf Blitzer’s anus, tonight, in Florida! Reliable source The Internet says that this debate will be a kind of “last chance” public stage for the indistinguishable [...]
Fictional ‘Tim Pawlenty’ GOP Candidate Quits Presidential Race
Bland cheese curd/make-believe Republican candidate Tim Pawlenty ended his candidacy today in a desperate bid to convince voters he had been running for the GOP nomination. As his announcement came on a Sunday morning when news editors were at their orgy mansions in the Hamptons and regular GOP voters were sleeping off their oxycontin in [...]
Liveblogging the Ames GOP Presidential Devil Clown Anger Match
Is everyone clutching a bottle of Advil in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other? Does it matter which hand is holding which? NO! Tonight we will watch all 83 GOP presidential candidates stand together on a stage in Ames, Iowa and real-life Twitter incomplete sentences with all the fury of James [...]
Critics’ Corner With Tim Pawlenty: Lady Gaga ‘Actually Very Talented’
Here is presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty so excited to talk to some young people about his huge Lady Gaga crush that he interrupts his lady interviewers’ questions to ask them what their favorite Lady Gaga songs are (starts at 1:48). We’re havin fun now, aren’t we, girls? Tim will also review Lady Gaga’s HBO special for [...]
Pawlenty Campaign, Minnesota Going Up In Flames As Shutdown Continues
It is WORLD WAR TEN in Minnesota. Following the government shutdown last Friday, there have been no public workers to protect the state parks from roving Visigoth hordes or whatever Marcus Bachmann keeps talking about, so the barbarian gangs went full ape shit on Minnesota’s natural spaces all weekend long. A “burglary and vandalism spree” [...]
Glitter Bomb Strikes Tim Pawlenty At Book Signing
GOP presidential candidate and gay marriage opponent Tim something-or-other was unwisely lurking around signing books in known homosexual watering hole San Francisco when he was, as the kids say, “glitter-bombed.” Code Pink activists dumped an envelope of pink glitter on Pawlenty and yelled at him. Previously, helmet-haired balloon-head human Newt Gingrich had the special privilege [...]
Liveblogging The New Hampshire GOP Debate
Here is your “GOP debate blingee” which, you know, hang in there. Your furriner editor is new at the blingee thing. SO HERE WE GO. Tonight’s debate is in New Hampshire, where Michele Bachmann last changed American history. Why was Sarah Palin trying to copy her so hard? Where is Sarah Palin, to wear the [...]
Pretend Person Tim Pawlenty Wants To Wish Away Amtrak
Repeating extremist libertarian talking points is not going to make Tim Pawlenty somehow actually exist in our space-time continuum, but that isn’t stopping the fictional candidate from whimpering Koch Brothers’ fantasies of shutting down the entire government forever. If you listen closely, late at night, with your ear to the garden wall of a graveyard [...]
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How Pawlenty Can Get Attention: ‘Hire a Bus and Get a Lobotomy’
by Wonkette Jr.
Have we given out a Comment of the Day virtual sex trophy today, or this week, or even this spring/summer? NO, what is going on around here? Let’s nominate and award the Win of the Afternoon to beloved commenter CapeClod, for his/her advice to invisible nonentity Tim Pawlenty. Is the “T-Paw” brave enough to take [...]