Tag Archives: tim pawlenty

  Not Even Worth A Pun In The Kicker Hed

‘Democrat’ Jim Webb Announces Candidacy To Be 2016’s Tim PawlentyZZZZZZZZZ

Former Virginia Senator Jim Webb announced Thursday that he’s running for the Democratic nomination for president, and we suppose that some people may have actually showed up for the announcement. Oh, actually, no, he just sent an email, which was probably a pretty smart move, considering. Webb is running for the most sincere of reasons, probably, we didn’t even check, because fuck that guy, he is well past his sell-by date. Also he thinks he’d be a good Reagan, which would be reason enough to ignore the hell out of him. Read more on ‘Democrat’ Jim Webb Announces Candidacy To Be 2016’s Tim PawlentyZZZZZZZZZ…
  don't go away mad just go away

It Has Been Five Minutes, So Mitt Romney Is Flip-Flopping On Something Again

Mitt Romney, who just can’t take no for an answer and may need to be told no yet again, has apparently grown tired of pretending to be “severely conservative.” It didn’t work for him so well in 2012, when he ran on his platform of “Ew, the poors!” so it seems he’s plagiarizing a page from John McCain’s playbook by acting all mavericky and taking a position contrary to today’s Republican Party. (This is definitely a wise choice, given how well that worked for McCain in 2008, but shhhh, don’t tell Mitt.) “I, for instance, as you know, part company with many of the conservatives in my party on the issue of the minimum wage,” Romney said in a Friday appearance on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe.” “I think we ought to raise it. Because frankly, our party is all about more jobs and better pay.” Oooooh! Ahhhhh! So brave. So bold. So principled. Let us take a moment to admire Mitt for having the courage to defiantly defy his party so defiantly by standing up for what he so frankly believes in. Okay, moment’s over: It didn’t get much notice amid the buildup to Super Tuesday. But after conservative outcry over his support for raising the minimum wage, Mitt Romney quietly reversed his position this week. “There’s probably not a need to raise the minimum wage,” the Republican front-runner told CNBC’s Larry Kudlow on Monday. Now let’s take a moment to roll our eyes at forever flip-flopping Mitt because OF COURSE. Read more on It Has Been Five Minutes, So Mitt Romney Is Flip-Flopping On Something Again…
  brick wall with glasses

Silly Robert Reich Says Words About Minimum Wage To Helen Keller We Mean S.E. Cupp

So here is a clip of Robert Reich articulately laying out the case for why the minimum wage needs to be raised, and CNN’s S.E. Cupp not hearing anything but “victimizing job creators for class war.” It’s worth watching, if only for information you can use in your own conversations with wingnuts, and as an object lesson in why those conversations will go nowhere. On CNN’s Crossfire, Cupp starts the conversation where she’ll eventually end it: “You would suggest that we force employers to raise wages, force union participation, raise taxes on the top job creators, and force employers to cut off hiring at 50 employees to avoid Obamacare mandates,” Cupp told Reich. “How is that a job recipe for job creation?” And then Reich explains how jobs get created when people have enough money to buy stuff from companies that make stuff, and need people to make it, a fairly simple point that Henry Ford understood when he paid his assembly-line workers enough to buy the Model T’s they were building. Obviously, this economic analysis was too complex for Cupp, who is fixated on the word “forced.” Read more on Silly Robert Reich Says Words About Minimum Wage To Helen Keller We Mean S.E. Cupp…
  swiss misses

Straight-Faced GOP Mouthpieces: Mitt Romney Has Foreign Policy Experience Because Of All Those Swiss Bank Accounts

When Barack Hussein NObAama ran for president in 2008 with no foreign policy experience (unless you count ACORN as its own brave nation state), our good, kind and decent brethren on the right thought this might be a bad idea. How would this 48-year-old baby ever defeat bin Laden, or Khadafi, or the Soviet Union? Barack balanced out his lack of foreign policy experience with grizzled Old Handsome Joe Biden to appeal to people who cared about foreign policy and also whites. But this still was not good enough for some people! (Shockingly.) Now, Republican nominee Mittens of Romney and Suite Judy Blue Eyes Paul Ryan have a combined zero foreign policy experience. But would you believe that Mitt Romney does have foreign policy experience, and that is because he was in business and had many bank accounts throughout the world? Because that is what conservative Statesmen Newt Gingrich and Tim Pawlenty say. Let us listen in wonder, and awe! Read more on Straight-Faced GOP Mouthpieces: Mitt Romney Has Foreign Policy Experience Because Of All Those Swiss Bank Accounts…
  what it takes

Romney Campaign Pounces Back With Devastating Ad of Obama Singing Well

The Mitt Romney for President general election campaign, which is finally reaching the hypothetical comedy potential of an entity called the “Mitt Romney for President general election campaign,” refuses to back down on its calls for an apology from its rival campaign. “Romney defends calls for an apology over Bain attacks,” an actual headline reads today. As all the savvy Beltway insider consultant people will tell you, any candidate who finds himself “defending calls for an apology” is basically a lock to win any election. This is a campaign that’s competent, hard-hitting, and always on the offensive. Remember that pathetic “best political ad ever made” YouTube that the Obama campaign released this weekend? Another amateur chess move from the sucky-chesser-in-chief. Because now Romney’s campaign has released a much more crushing response ad, that shows Obama singing well, and people enjoying it. What now, Kenyan? Read more on Romney Campaign Pounces Back With Devastating Ad of Obama Singing Well…
  free fallin

Tim Pawlenty Compares Presidential Run to Bungee Jump Fail

Following Monday’s only news story, a 22-year-old Australian woman surviving a bungee cord failing after she jumped into South Africa’s Zambezi River, Tim Pawlenty emerged from the floppy disk drive of our minds to compare his failed presidential bid to jumper Erin Langworthy’s lucky break. Read more on Tim Pawlenty Compares Presidential Run to Bungee Jump Fail…
  study abroad

Tim Pawlenty Running For President of Tunisia Now Or Something

Anonymous human entity “Tim Pawlenty” has not had very much luck getting a nation of 300 million people to recognize his existence and much less his stuttering, abortive campaign for American President, so he told reporters he will try his hand somewhere a little easier: “I wish I were still in the race, but now I’m going off to Tunisia instead.” WOAH, Tim Pawlenty, do you even speak, uh, African? Pawlenty heard there were some presidential elections going on in that corner of the world, so, eh, he’ll check that out, as an “election observer,” which actually sounds much like his role in the American Presidential campaign as well. At least the food might be better? Read more on Tim Pawlenty Running For President of Tunisia Now Or Something…
  game changers

Mystery Hero ‘Tim Pawlenty’ Returns To Help Pilot Romney Campaign Crash

Perennial ratings black hole CNN is never one to miss out on “something that happened a few days ago,” so they will pull yet another GOP debate out of Wolf Blitzer’s anus, tonight, in Florida! Reliable source The Internet says that this debate will be a kind of “last chance” public stage for the indistinguishable humanoid mass of nuclear waste dump residue still spending campaign dollars losing to Rick “dildo in a fancy wig” Perry to continue arguing about doing so. That will pretty much be it, for this debate! UNLESS…. Unless unless unless… Mitt Romney has a crazy Hail Mary up his debate sleeve? Yes! It is the dreaded “Tim Pawlenty endorsement,” which Mitt Romney just got, today! Mittens, he is THAT TRICKY, hiring someone no one has ever heard of right before yet another pointless debate, to tell everyone that Rick Perry sucks. See you in hell, Rick Perry! Read more on Mystery Hero ‘Tim Pawlenty’ Returns To Help Pilot Romney Campaign Crash…
  the invisible man

Fictional ‘Tim Pawlenty’ GOP Candidate Quits Presidential Race

Bland cheese curd/make-believe Republican candidate Tim Pawlenty ended his candidacy today in a desperate bid to convince voters he had been running for the GOP nomination. As his announcement came on a Sunday morning when news editors were at their orgy mansions in the Hamptons and regular GOP voters were sleeping off their oxycontin in church, the move did little to combat the reality that Tim Pawlenty doesn’t even exist. Read more on Fictional ‘Tim Pawlenty’ GOP Candidate Quits Presidential Race…
  the death of civility

Liveblogging the Ames GOP Presidential Devil Clown Anger Match

Is everyone clutching a bottle of Advil in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other? Does it matter which hand is holding which? NO! Tonight we will watch all 83 GOP presidential candidates stand together on a stage in Ames, Iowa and real-life Twitter incomplete sentences with all the fury of James Joyce on an amphetamine binge TIMES ONE HUNDRED at one another in order to win America’s eternal disdain. Who will be the winner? Tim Pawlenty, if his place at the lectern has not been replaced by a rusty stop sign before the end of the debate. HERE WE GO! Read more on Liveblogging the Ames GOP Presidential Devil Clown Anger Match…
  sad stories of failure

The 1980 Winter Olympics Hate Tim Pawlenty

Tim “Who Cares?” Pawlenty is in trouble now, because his hopeless campaign couldn’t even make a lousy commercial the right way. This campaign ad he made, “The American Comeback,” is funny because first of all, a “comeback” is the opposite of what Tim Pawlenty has achieved. Secondly, Tim Pawlenty’s attempt to ruin everyone’s memory of the “Miracle on Ice” hockey game turned out to be illegal, yay. Read more on The 1980 Winter Olympics Hate Tim Pawlenty…
  and mitt romney loves beyonce

Critics’ Corner With Tim Pawlenty: Lady Gaga ‘Actually Very Talented’

Here is presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty so excited to talk to some young people about his huge Lady Gaga crush that he interrupts his lady interviewers’ questions to ask them what their favorite Lady Gaga songs are (starts at 1:48). We’re havin fun now, aren’t we, girls? Tim will also review Lady Gaga’s HBO special for you: he loved it, especially when Lady Gaga sings “Born This Way.” Yes, it might be a song about gay rights and tolerance, but Tim “I support a federal amendment to ban gay marriage” Pawlenty won’t let that ruin it for him.  Read more on Critics’ Corner With Tim Pawlenty: Lady Gaga ‘Actually Very Talented’…
  where is paul bunyan when you need him

Pawlenty Campaign, Minnesota Going Up In Flames As Shutdown Continues

It is WORLD WAR TEN in Minnesota. Following the government shutdown last Friday, there have been no public workers to protect the state parks from roving Visigoth hordes or whatever Marcus Bachmann keeps talking about, so the barbarian gangs went full ape shit on Minnesota’s natural spaces all weekend long. A “burglary and vandalism spree” spread across the entire state, destroying administrative buildings and public property. Minnesotans turn out to be anarchists? Meanwhile, former governor Tim “Pissy” Pawlenty is mad that everyone is blaming him for this. It’s not like he entered the Minnesota governor’s office with a $4 billion debt and left the state with $5 billion debt or anything.  Read more on Pawlenty Campaign, Minnesota Going Up In Flames As Shutdown Continues…
  polling shocker

‘A Republican’ Higher In Polls Against Obama Than Actual GOP Candidates

A new Gallup poll shows sad person Barack Obama down by 5 points in a generic matchup with “a Republican” as his opponent, which if there were any Republicans running for president, this would be a problem for Obama. Mitt Romney and everyone else are still losing to Obama in the polls. The American people are now so cynical that the actual fact of being a Republican human running for office makes you less popular than the incumbent human currently busy bombing earth and sending SWAT teams after anti-war activists and student loan defaulters, so everyone would prefer to elect someone who is not a Democrat, and not real. Read more on ‘A Republican’ Higher In Polls Against Obama Than Actual GOP Candidates…
  if only all our bombs were filled with glitter

Glitter Bomb Strikes Tim Pawlenty At Book Signing

GOP presidential candidate and gay marriage opponent Tim something-or-other was unwisely lurking around signing books in known homosexual watering hole San Francisco when he was, as the kids say, “glitter-bombed.” Code Pink activists dumped an envelope of pink glitter on Pawlenty and yelled at him. Previously, helmet-haired balloon-head human Newt Gingrich had the special privilege of being the candidate progressives most loved to cover in sparkles. Iraqis throw shoes, gays throw glitter. Anyway, here is your next dark horse sour-faced GOP presidential candidate having glitter thrown at him: Read more on Glitter Bomb Strikes Tim Pawlenty At Book Signing…
  american idol but with abortion jokes

Liveblogging The New Hampshire GOP Debate

Here is your “GOP debate blingee” which, you know, hang in there. Your furriner editor is new at the blingee thing. SO HERE WE GO. Tonight’s debate is in New Hampshire, where Michele Bachmann last changed American history. Why was Sarah Palin trying to copy her so hard? Where is Sarah Palin, to wear the same color jacket as Michele Bachmann? This is now the second GOP primary contender debate, which, did that first one count? No, because Mittens was not there. What will Mittens say about the MEDISCARE? Will experimental linguist Tim Pawlenty use his favorite new word, “Obamneycare?” Who will say how much they want to sleep with Paul Ryan first? Read more on Liveblogging The New Hampshire GOP Debate…
  comment of the day

How Pawlenty Can Get Attention: ‘Hire a Bus and Get a Lobotomy’

Have we given out a Comment of the Day virtual sex trophy today, or this week, or even this spring/summer? NO, what is going on around here? Let’s nominate and award the Win of the Afternoon to beloved commenter CapeClod, for his/her advice to invisible nonentity Tim Pawlenty. Is the “T-Paw” brave enough to take this hawt tip? Read more on How Pawlenty Can Get Attention: ‘Hire a Bus and Get a Lobotomy’…
  the spirit world

Pretend Person Tim Pawlenty Wants To Wish Away Amtrak

Repeating extremist libertarian talking points is not going to make Tim Pawlenty somehow actually exist in our space-time continuum, but that isn’t stopping the fictional candidate from whimpering Koch Brothers’ fantasies of shutting down the entire government forever. If you listen closely, late at night, with your ear to the garden wall of a graveyard in whatever town Tim Pawlenty claims to live in, you might here his ghostly whispers on the other side of the veil between life and non-existence: I-I-I-I willlll close down Ammmmmtrak and the Postallll Service, his wispy spirit essence might try to say, if he was somehow capable of making anyone hear him. Read more on Pretend Person Tim Pawlenty Wants To Wish Away Amtrak…
  the invisible man

Fictional ‘Tim Pawlenty’ Candidate Vows To End Medicare, Social Security

How might make-believe GOP candidate Tim Pawlenty distinguish himself with the elderly Tea Party voters? By taking away their Medicare and Social Security, so they will die! This is a very tricky strategy that only a fictional Minnesota superhero could invent. What else could he do to make sure he never wins a primary? How about going to Iowa and telling the welfare-farmer ethanol growers that he will take their money away? The man from the ethanol industry in Iowa responded with this, “Iowans look forward to Governor Pawlenty further detailing his plans to phase out petroleum subsidies, perhaps in a speech in Houston, Texas.” Is that really all the Iowans look forward to? What about Memorial Day Weekend, wouldn’t they traditionally look forward to that? Read more on Fictional ‘Tim Pawlenty’ Candidate Vows To End Medicare, Social Security…