Heavens! The DEBT COLLECTORS are in hot pursuit of America’s prized orator, JOE WILSON! Apparently Joe purchased 30,000 “I’m With Myself” tee shirts with his credit card, because he forgot to buy his wife something nice for 9/11. But guess what? BANK OF AMERICA does not accept SCREAMING as a form of payment! (It used to, when we were still on the gold standard.) Run for your life, Joe Wilson! You would not enjoy DEBTOR’S PRISON, where they make you talk with “inside voices.” … MORE »

Congratulations to Arlen Specter for joining the Dixiecrat Party of America’s “Mid-Atlantic!” Here in America’s slave city, Richmond — a “blue city” now — we located the “X” marking on the ground where the Enola Gay will finally destroy the South with her payload of Pig Nukes from space — as soon as Arlen Specter gives the word! See? He doesn’t even have to “primary” here. MORE »

Here’s your boyfriend Barack Obama with Virginia schlub Tim Kaine, on location for their cameo appearance in the film adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. Keep those artsy White House pictures coming, Pete Souza! [White House]

Bars and restaurants are possibly maybe finally going “smoke-free” in Virginia, the Philip Morris State. In the past Tim Kaine had stopped this from happening but now who knows. [DC Examiner]
White powder and a dead fish were mailed to the Dept. of Homeland Security, meaning Rahm Emanuel is the Zodiac. [Washington Post]
The journoterrorist who accosted Barry to get his autograph yesterday has been identified as some neocon driven to the brink of madness by the impossible demands of his twelve-year-old son. [Fishbowl DC]
Elitist northeast grocery warehouse Wegmans is, like some people you knew in college who have decided to become “all activisty,” probably moving to DC soon! Both will text you incessantly for the names of cool bars. [WTOP]
You can now take out a subprime mortgage on Nats tickets. Do it for your children’s futures. [DCist]
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This is how far the Republican party has fallen: just a short time ago its leaders were a swaggering Texan who vowed to bomb the living shit out of any nation that dared to look at us sideways, and a vampirical warlock who practiced his dark arts from the basement of the Naval Observatory. Now the party has no leaders and they are scared witless by the innocuous and mild-mannered new DNC chairman. MORE »

Can Virginia’s favorite horse-torture fetishist and wacky hair goblin, Gov. Tim Kaine, heal America’s Democrats after the long Clinton-Obama primary battle? No, no one can. That is known. But he can do other stuff, like expand the Democrats’ electoral map (FAP FAP FAP) as the new head of the DNC, which he now is. Hooray for this new DNC head, “Tim.” For more on the important political implications of this selection, be sure to read Chris Cillizza’s latest “Fix” — obtaining access to large e-mail lists is truly the only thing that matters in politics anymore! [WP/The Fix]

BUH-BAYH: It’s not Bayh or Kaine, according to MSNBC. This Jack Reed thing is looking more and more likely. [MSNBC]

• MAYBE HE IS GOLFING: “Potential Democratic running mate Gov. Timothy M. Kaine quietly left the governor’s mansion this morning, leaving a gaggle of TV cameras staking out the front door. Kaine’s spokesman said the governor would not return home today but gave no indication of his plans for the day, other than to say it’s a personal day with no scheduled public events.” [Richmond Times-Dispatch]

OK, now that thing Peggy Noonan wrote about Tim Kaine’s hair makes sense. But that is not the point! The point is Tim Kaine made a crack about how John McCain can’t count very high, because John McCain is a rich man who makes his wife’s slaves do his counting for him. [YouTube]

• Alexandra Kerry’s new book is full of Biblical metaphors and deep meditations about sneakers and is possibly better than Meghan McCain’s. [DC Examiner]
• McCain tries and fails to flatter John Lewis into friendship after having ignored him forever. [Crooks and Liars]
• Virginia thought its Tim Kaine had been picked as Obama’s VP for like three seconds but then, ha, no. [Political Ticker]
• The Democrats are letting the Republicans corner the market on patriotism, because who can argue with patriotism? [AMERICAblog]
• McCain can say whatever nonsense he wants, whenever he wants, and no one really cares at all, because everyone agrees he is a Maverick and a Patriot. [Ezra Klein]
• Scott McClellan gives Obama some PR advice that includes leaving Scott McClellan alone. [Ben Smith]

Imaginary Democratic vice presidential frontrunner Gov. Tim Kaine is now being harassed by the press all over his weird state of Virginia. He told reporters this morning that he doesn’t “have any idea about where the process is” and he hasn’t talked to Obama “for a number of weeks, since before his trip.” He is already the Vice President of Lies, it seems. But where did he tell reporters these terrible lies? “Kaine, widely rumored to be at the top of Obama’s veep short list, attended the annual Chincoteague Pony Swim this morning with his 13-year old daughter.” Oh, how predictable: our would-be second black vice president is a deranged horse-drowning fetishist. MORE »