• “Imagine a United States Senate with Michael Williams, Pat Toomey, and Marco Rubio. Now imagine Pat Toomey massaging your naked body with Skippy peanut butter, as Marco’s moist testicles rest on your face … We can make all that a reality.” [RedState]
• The Associated Press has bought the rights to “Thomas Jefferson.” © Associated Press. [Hit & Run]
• Are you a senator? A House member? Maybe a governor? Well come on down to Nevada’s exclusive BunnyRanch Harem and enjoy the free petting zoo! [TPM]
• Fire-safe cigarettes? Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em! [Andrew Sullivan]
• After arguing bitterly with Jefferson Davis about how many slaves you can fit in the hull of a schooner, Creigh Deeds seceded from the Confederate States of America. And that is how 10 acres in rural Virginia became known as Deeds Country. [NRO: The Campaign Spot]

Truly, Virgil Goode was our nation’s finest congressman, because only he stood up for America when a frightening Detroit Muslim, Keith Ellison, won a Minnesota congressional seat in 2006. See, Ellison was sworn in using Thomas Jefferson’s Koran, but Goode wanted to use it, for masturbation, because Goode represented Virginia’s 5th congressional district, which includes Jefferson’s beloved Monticello. MORE »

Thomas Jefferson invented July 4, by writing the Declaration of Independence for “Independence Day,” and later writing the Constitution, and then patriotically dropping dead on July 4. This is why George W. Bush went to Jefferson’s famous slave brothel, Monticello, to read a July 4 speech that quoted Jefferson except for the part of the quote where Jefferson said Christians were idiots. MORE »

Hello everyone. How were your Fourth of July weeks? Well that’s wonderful. The worst Fourth of July experience this year was probably that of Jesse Helms, who hilariously died. But important founding father Thomas Jefferson also died on the Fourth of July (five, ten years ago-ish), and that’s why President Bush spent his holiday at Jefferson’s house, Monticello, among the ghosts of his “mocha” bastard slave children. And then RADICAL LEFT protest group Code Pink harassed him a bunch of times, just like they did every day when Jefferson lived his naked life with Sacagawea. [YouTube]

These news trucks are parked outside Hillary Clinton’s (and our) hotel in Philadelphia, on Broad Street. That is corrupt City Hall in the background, the evil gothic thing. What else is happening in Philadelphia today? Much of it involves Thomas Jefferson, penis food, sparkly voting signs and Star Wars musicals. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have been overrun by this strange City on a Landfill. MORE »

Normal Americans celebrate Thomas Jefferson by pouring out a 40 on the sidewalk and saying mournfully, “Here’s to you, firecrotch” and then lighting $5 bills on fire. But Libertarians celebrate by dancing in solemn white-people fashion to their own personal iPods, in front of the Jefferson Memorial. And then they get arrested. Well, one of them does. [YouTube]

WAS THOMAS JEFFERSON A PAULTARD? “Jefferson developed a full-blooded conspiracy theory in which bankers, speculators, federal officeholders, and a small but powerful congregation of closet Tories permanently alienated from the agrarian majority (’They all live in Cities,’ he wrote) had captured the meaning of the Revolution and were now proceeding to strangle it to death behind the closed doors of investment houses and within the faraway corridors of the Federalist government in New York and Philadelphia.” [Founding Brothers, by Joseph J. Ellis]

* Wars get paid for by magic. [Michelle Malkin]
* A Republican can spot foul play from a mile away. You know, beause they break the law a lot, is what we’re saying. [Redstate]
* Government officials don’t exactly use Priceline. [Think Progress]
* Who could possibly imagine that guys who sign up to fight in Iraq just for the money would be a little imbalanced? [Capitol Hill Blue]
* Who could have guessed that Nixon and Numbnuts had nothing on Thomas Jefferson. [Political Wire]
* Wesley Clark is going to have to work pretty hard to get Rush “Jubba the Hutt” Limbaugh dislodged from his throne. [ElectioN Central]
* The State Department helped the drunken Blackwater killer get out of Iraq because the government has been helping drunken members of its cabal get out of tough jams for years. It’s practically written into the law. [TPMmuckraker]

A thug cop known only for savagely beating black kids in Minneapolis and commanding a drug-raid squad that shot one of its own officers is in trouble again — this time for calling Congressman Keith Ellison a “terrorist.” MORE »

A retired professor sick of campaign mailings from her GOP congresswoman decided to send a message back: she brought some dog crap wrapped up in said mailings to the representative’s district office. MORE »

Here is some fun MLK Jr. trivia the Main Stream Media won’t tell you: Did you know Dr. King is one of only four humans honored with a U.S. holiday all to themselves?

Thomas Jefferson doesn’t get one, and neither does Benjamin Franklin, James Madison, John Adams or Thomas Paine. Even presidents who were assassinated by Sinister Forces don’t get federal holidays: Abraham Lincoln, James Garfield, William McKinley and John F. Kennedy have been utterly forgotten.

More facts and the greatest painting ever, after the jump.

MORE »