Tag Archives: thomas jefferson

  The Battle Of Bunk Hill

Wingnuts Win! AP History Exam Will Only Pass Patriot Kids Who Know America Is Perfect

Still stoked that Chris Hayes used this back in February.
We’re not sure it’s as huge a capitulation as Barack Obama’s complete surrender to Iran, but it looks like there may be Peace In Our Time in at least one theater of the Culture Wars. After a year of rightwing complaints that the revised Advanced Placement U.S. History (APUSH) exam was teaching high school students to hate America and maybe join ISIS, the College Board has given in and announced some changes to the exam that are intended to placate the whiny titty babies who don’t seem to understand what “Advanced Placement” means. The exam framework for 2015 will add a section on “American Exceptionalism” and add additional questions that name Big Heroes like George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson, whose names you might suppose students would have encountered before taking an AP class (and who would of course have been covered in any class — it’s just that they weren’t named in the framework, which instead focused on larger themes. This drove wingnuts crazy and led them to claim that the Founders had been “removed” from the teaching of history). The College Board is still saying some pretty nasty things about God’s Own America, however. The new framework includes pretty much the same number of references to slavery as the 2014 version, and it turns out we still interned Japanese-Americans during WW II. Read more on Wingnuts Win! AP History Exam Will Only Pass Patriot Kids Who Know America Is Perfect…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Channel Announces Blowout Sale, All Derp Must Go

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
August 1 is quittin’ time for the Sarah Palin Channel, so the gang up in Wasilla is scrambling to move existing inventory. We’ve got three videos for you this week, one on gun rights and scary home invasions, one featuring Ghost Thomas Jefferson, and one exercise in patriotic free-verse over what sounds to Yr Wonket like an old-school Casio synth track. It’s a glorious day here at The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker, so let’s dive in. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Channel Announces Blowout Sale, All Derp Must Go…
  Nearer My Derp To Thee

Nice Knowing Y’all, Louie Gohmert Says God’s Gonna Smite Us Now

Works way better than tinfoil
Well, America, it’s been a nice run, but it’s all done now, you realize, because the Supreme Court did Gay 9/11 all over us today. And who knows that better than Texas Congress-ballbearing Louie Gohmert, who had dire warnings for the once-great United States of America. Get ready, America: It’s Smitin’ Time. Read more on Nice Knowing Y’all, Louie Gohmert Says God’s Gonna Smite Us Now…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Says Obama Is World’s Weakest, Most Powerful Despot

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
On this week’s Fartknocker Report, Sarah Palin can’t seem to make up her mind. In a video published on April 7, Palin insists that we need a new constitutional convention because Barack Obama’s tyranny has irrevocably broken the dreams of the Founding Fathers. The next day, she tells us about a group of gun nuts who got Obama’s ATF to back down by boldly submitting public comments, just like the men at Valley Forge did. The Tundra Grifter was a little all over the place this week, but what else is new? Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Says Obama Is World’s Weakest, Most Powerful Despot…
  Here have some news n stuff

House GOP Knows DC Voters Didn’t Mean to Legalize Weed

Not so fast, man
We all know how important it is to Republicans that the will of The People is never, ever overturned by some arbitrary branch of the eeeeevil Big Government. Like, say, when The People vote to ban rights for The Gay? Yeah, the government should stay the hell out of that. However, when the people vote to legalize marijuana, well, that’s a whole nother thing entirely, and it is obviously obvious that voters are idiots who need the government to step in and fix that for them: Read more on House GOP Knows DC Voters Didn’t Mean to Legalize Weed…
  Thomas Jefferson Died For Your Sins

Antonin Scalia Has Magic Jesus Constitution, Has So Much Jesus All Up In It

TOO S-M-R-T FOR YOU.
Supreme Court Justice and strict constructionist Antonin Scalia told an enraptured (if only!) crowd at Colorado Christian University today that the First Amendment’s Establishment Clause doesn’t actually require complete separation of church and state, because magic: Read more on Antonin Scalia Has Magic Jesus Constitution, Has So Much Jesus All Up In It…
  Costume Drama

Terrible Lawyer Cosplays As Thomas Jefferson To Defend Terrible Lawyering

Sally Hemmings costume sold separately. Like Sally.
From our good friend and Wonker Emerita Lisa Needham, aka Snipy, we have this tale of a lawyer on the edge, kind of like the Jeffrey Tambor character in …And Justice For All, except instead of shaving his head and eating his lunch out on the ledge, this guy, one Ira Dennis Hawver Esquire JD, defended himself against disciplinary action by dressing up as Thomas Jefferson and explaining that the First Amendment guarantees your sacred right to give your client a really crappy defense. Read more on Terrible Lawyer Cosplays As Thomas Jefferson To Defend Terrible Lawyering…
  These Textbooks Sound Awfully Familiar

New Texas Schoolbooks: Moses Wrote The Constitution For Slavery, Segregation

It is a right, actually. Not an excuse, however.
Well here’s a heck of a surprise! You may remember how Texas re-wrote its standards for history books back in 2010, to make sure that kids learned the important parts of history, like who Phyllis Schlafly is and how the Constitution was inspired by the Bible, while downplaying the importance of that nasty deist Thomas Jefferson. The standards adopted by the State Board of Education were so awful that the conservative Fordham Institute called them “a confusing, unteachable hodgepodge” and criticized the SBOE for its “blatant politicizing” of history — especially in its approach to the role of religion: Read more on New Texas Schoolbooks: Moses Wrote The Constitution For Slavery, Segregation…
  get thee behind me stupid

Demon-Slayer Gordon Klingenschmitt Pretty Sure All Those Atheists Need Is A Good Exorcism

Ever since John Jacob Gordon Klingenschmitt won his primary for a state legislative seat in Colorado, we’ve been expecting big things from old Chaps, which is one hell of a nickname for a straight man. We should have known that it wouldn’t be long before a man who is so very preoccupied by demonic possession would find a way to get back onto our virtual pages. If you need a quick refresher course, Klingenschmitt is certain that most things — gays, animals, Disney films — are possessed by demons. So it was pretty much required that he’d have to conclude that atheists were also too possessed by demons, and the only cure for the demons is more exorcisin’. Read more on Demon-Slayer Gordon Klingenschmitt Pretty Sure All Those Atheists Need Is A Good Exorcism…
  separation of derp and state

Alabama Chief Justice Has Special Constitution Where First Amendment Is Only For Christians

You guys all remember Judge Roy Moore, the Alabama Hero who was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court after refusing to comply with a U.S. Supreme Court order to remove a two-ton Ten Commandments monument that he’d installed at the court. That was back in 2003, don’t you feel old? And then he got reelected to the Alabama Supremes in 2012 — as Chief Justice, no less, because Roy Moore is the freakin’ Joe Arpaio of Alabama jurisprudence: the bigger an asshole he is, the more they love him, because he hates all the right people. (Last year, there were high hopes he’d declare Barack Obama UnPresident, but that failed to happen somehow.) Well, Chief Justice Roy Moore has gotten himself a little more attention this week, after a recent* speech to a “Pastors For Life” luncheon sponsored by Pro-Life Mississippi, where the top jurist for an entire state told the assembled faithful that the First Amendment only applies to Christians, since, as any fool knows, “Buddha didn’t create us, Mohammed didn’t create us, it’s the God of the Holy Scriptures” who breathed life into Adam and Eve, about 6000 years ago at that. (And no, don’t you go saying that all the Abrahamic religions worship the same God, because what are you, a terrorist?) Read more on Alabama Chief Justice Has Special Constitution Where First Amendment Is Only For Christians…
  the crass and the spurious

Allen West’s New Book-Shaped Object Full Of Slavery And Fake Founding Fathers Quotes

Allen West’s terrible new book is finally out, although the cover photo has been kicking around since November. Frankly, when we saw articles about West’s “new book” we thought maybe this was a rushed sequel. But no, it just turns out that West’s exciting memoirfesto, Guardian of the Republic: An American Ronin’s Journey to Faith, Family and Freedom, only slithered onto bookstore shelves on April 1. Somehow, the anticipation between the release of the cover image and the actual collection of typed pages managed not to kill us. So now that the rough beast has slouched into Amazon, what is in this tome? Would you believe “fake quotes from the Founding Fathers” and “stupid slavery analogies”? We bet you would! Read more on Allen West’s New Book-Shaped Object Full Of Slavery And Fake Founding Fathers Quotes…
  fact: george washington didn't read darwin

Wingnut Constitution Expert Explains How Teaching Evolution Makes You Disloyal To America

Well this is fun. This nice fellow is Michael Peroutka, the founder of the “Institute on the Constitution” and a former presidential candidate of the Constitution Party. He sure does love him some Constitution! He’s also a member of the neo-Confederate League of the South and a good old white supremacist, too. And he has some interesting thoughts about science and Americanism, too, as we see in this video from Right Wing Watch — the lecture is from 2011, but they just discovered it while doing other research, and had to share it with the world. And golly, it’s some bracing stuff! You see, kids, Mr. Peroutka has discovered that basic political philosophy of the United States, as expressed in documents by the Founding Fathers, is grounded in the obvious Science Fact that “creation occurred about 6000 years ago. So the whole idea of evolution and that the Earth is…millions and millions of years old is absolutely antithetical to America … “What I am saying is that the promotion of evolution is an act of disloyalty to America… What I’m saying is that there is no way you could promote or believe in evolution and sing ‘God Bless America’ during the 7th inning stretch.” How is it that we had never heard of this Michael Peroutka before? We see that Yr Wonkette has mentioned him just once, in 2007, when he endorsed Ron Paul because he approved of Dr. Paul’s adherence to the Biblical principle that “it is not the role of God-ordained civil government, at any level, to feed, house, clothe or educate anybody.” He seems nice. Read more on Wingnut Constitution Expert Explains How Teaching Evolution Makes You Disloyal To America…
  life liberty and the pursuit of barminess

Let Breitbart Explain How Ghost Thomas Jefferson Is Mad At Obama For Cheating On The Constitution

Would you like to read the anguished product of one million conservative tears and howls of rage? Were you hoping that it started with slamming Bamz for a lame joke but then somehow pivoted to the French President’s l’adultery? And how about if we throw in some discussion of how Ghost Thomas Jefferson wanders the halls of Monticello crying? The answer to all these questions, of course, is hell yes you want this, and Breitbart has got you covered with this screed so breathless it is hyperventilating. America’s president — heir to the world’s greatest document of freedom ever drawn up by man — strode across the hallowed grounds of Thomas Jefferson’s Monticello. With his hands clasped behind his back as a fuehrer surveying his troops or his kingdom, he told a gaggle of onlookers, “That’s the good thing about being president. I can do whatever I want.” It may have been a lame attempt at despot humor, but it fell terribly flat and reveals a shocking unawareness of himself and what so many American people think of him. “Despot Humor” is our new post-punk band. OK, so Obama’s joke sucked. Did you write a column about how Obama is unfunny, Breitbart? Oh hell no. You wrote it about how Ghost Thomas Jefferson is crying for America. Read more on Let Breitbart Explain How Ghost Thomas Jefferson Is Mad At Obama For Cheating On The Constitution…
  wonkette world o' books

Sundays With The Christianists: In Great Artist Jon McNaughton’s Novel, Wingnuts Finally Win Every Argument

Sternums up, everybody! Time to wrap up our visit to the mind of Great American Artist Of America Jon McNaughton, as revealed in his teen novel Knight of the Superstitions. It’s a stirring tale of a young Mary Sue named Josh Knight, who with the help of his guardian angel Nathaniel becomes adept at seeing and defeating the surprisingly boring demons and other evil influences that plague our world. Last week we looked at Josh’s spiritual journey, such as it is; this week, we’ll take a look at the book’s very insightful political content, although we suppose McNaughton would say there’s no difference. So strap on your Spiritual Armor — we recommend strong coffee or maybe a Bloody Mary — and we’ll watch Josh strike a blow for liberty against the oppression of liberal education. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: In Great Artist Jon McNaughton’s Novel, Wingnuts Finally Win Every Argument…
  total eclipse of the smarts

Sundays With The Christianists: Homeschooled American History That’s Almost Like The Real Thing

After all the sex and excitement of the Revolutionary War and the writing of the Constitution, our American History textbooks for Christian schools present us with something of a challenge: there’s just not all that much crazy for them to say about the following few decades of history. Sure, there’s a lot of stuff that has to go on the test, but when’s the last time you got wrapped up in an argument about the Monroe Doctrine or the X Y Z Affair? And so our Christian textbooks manage to get through stuff like the Louisiana Purchase and the War of 1812 without any particular fuss. Still, when comparing these books to secular textbooks, you develop a Vincent Vega-like appreciation of the little differences, like their discussion of Thomas Jefferson’s heresies, or their condemnation of Native Americans’ being led astray by “superstition.” Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Homeschooled American History That’s Almost Like The Real Thing…
  fear of a black planet

Barack Obama Way Worse Slaveholder Than Actual Slaveholders, Obviously

Oh hi there readers. Whatcha doing? Stuff? Work stuff? Fun stuff? Sexytime stuff? Are you in the Midwest and digging yourself out of a million inches of snow? Why not take a break and go read this delightful 2388-word (YES WE COUNTED THEM. ok, actually, we just cut and pasted them into Word, which counted them for us) article over at American Thinker? It starts out in a really promising fashion: Read more on Barack Obama Way Worse Slaveholder Than Actual Slaveholders, Obviously…