Tag Archives: thomas jefferson

  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Says Obama Is World’s Weakest, Most Powerful Despot

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
On this week’s Fartknocker Report, Sarah Palin can’t seem to make up her mind. In a video published on April 7, Palin insists that we need a new constitutional convention because Barack Obama’s tyranny has irrevocably broken the dreams of the Founding Fathers. The next day, she tells us about a group of gun nuts who got Obama’s ATF to back down by boldly submitting public comments, just like the men at Valley Forge did. The Tundra Grifter was a little all over the place this week, but what else is new? Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Says Obama Is World’s Weakest, Most Powerful Despot…
  Here have some news n stuff

House GOP Knows DC Voters Didn’t Mean to Legalize Weed

Not so fast, man
We all know how important it is to Republicans that the will of The People is never, ever overturned by some arbitrary branch of the eeeeevil Big Government. Like, say, when The People vote to ban rights for The Gay? Yeah, the government should stay the hell out of that. However, when the people vote to legalize marijuana, well, that’s a whole nother thing entirely, and it is obviously obvious that voters are idiots who need the government to step in and fix that for them: Read more on House GOP Knows DC Voters Didn’t Mean to Legalize Weed…
  Thomas Jefferson Died For Your Sins

Antonin Scalia Has Magic Jesus Constitution, Has So Much Jesus All Up In It

Thoma Aquinas is gonna be sooooo pissed
Supreme Court Justice and strict constructionist Antonin Scalia told an enraptured (if only!) crowd at Colorado Christian University today that the First Amendment’s Establishment Clause doesn’t actually require complete separation of church and state, because magic: Read more on Antonin Scalia Has Magic Jesus Constitution, Has So Much Jesus All Up In It…
  Costume Drama

Terrible Lawyer Cosplays As Thomas Jefferson To Defend Terrible Lawyering

Sally Hemmings costume sold separately. Like Sally.
From our good friend and Wonker Emerita Lisa Needham, aka Snipy, we have this tale of a lawyer on the edge, kind of like the Jeffrey Tambor character in …And Justice For All, except instead of shaving his head and eating his lunch out on the ledge, this guy, one Ira Dennis Hawver Esquire JD, defended himself against disciplinary action by dressing up as Thomas Jefferson and explaining that the First Amendment guarantees your sacred right to give your client a really crappy defense. Read more on Terrible Lawyer Cosplays As Thomas Jefferson To Defend Terrible Lawyering…
  These Textbooks Sound Awfully Familiar

New Texas Schoolbooks: Moses Wrote The Constitution For Slavery, Segregation

It is a right, actually. Not an excuse, however.
Well here’s a heck of a surprise! You may remember how Texas re-wrote its standards for history books back in 2010, to make sure that kids learned the important parts of history, like who Phyllis Schlafly is and how the Constitution was inspired by the Bible, while downplaying the importance of that nasty deist Thomas Jefferson. The standards adopted by the State Board of Education were so awful that the conservative Fordham Institute called them “a confusing, unteachable hodgepodge” and criticized the SBOE for its “blatant politicizing” of history — especially in its approach to the role of religion: Read more on New Texas Schoolbooks: Moses Wrote The Constitution For Slavery, Segregation…
  get thee behind me stupid

Demon-Slayer Gordon Klingenschmitt Pretty Sure All Those Atheists Need Is A Good Exorcism

Ever since John Jacob Gordon Klingenschmitt won his primary for a state legislative seat in Colorado, we’ve been expecting big things from old Chaps, which is one hell of a nickname for a straight man. We should have known that it wouldn’t be long before a man who is so very preoccupied by demonic possession would find a way to get back onto our virtual pages. If you need a quick refresher course, Klingenschmitt is certain that most things — gays, animals, Disney films — are possessed by demons. So it was pretty much required that he’d have to conclude that atheists were also too possessed by demons, and the only cure for the demons is more exorcisin’. Read more on Demon-Slayer Gordon Klingenschmitt Pretty Sure All Those Atheists Need Is A Good Exorcism…
  separation of derp and state

Alabama Chief Justice Has Special Constitution Where First Amendment Is Only For Christians

You guys all remember Judge Roy Moore, the Alabama Hero who was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court after refusing to comply with a U.S. Supreme Court order to remove a two-ton Ten Commandments monument that he’d installed at the court. That was back in 2003, don’t you feel old? And then he got reelected to the Alabama Supremes in 2012 — as Chief Justice, no less, because Roy Moore is the freakin’ Joe Arpaio of Alabama jurisprudence: the bigger an asshole he is, the more they love him, because he hates all the right people. (Last year, there were high hopes he’d declare Barack Obama UnPresident, but that failed to happen somehow.) Well, Chief Justice Roy Moore has gotten himself a little more attention this week, after a recent* speech to a “Pastors For Life” luncheon sponsored by Pro-Life Mississippi, where the top jurist for an entire state told the assembled faithful that the First Amendment only applies to Christians, since, as any fool knows, “Buddha didn’t create us, Mohammed didn’t create us, it’s the God of the Holy Scriptures” who breathed life into Adam and Eve, about 6000 years ago at that. (And no, don’t you go saying that all the Abrahamic religions worship the same God, because what are you, a terrorist?) Read more on Alabama Chief Justice Has Special Constitution Where First Amendment Is Only For Christians…
  the crass and the spurious

Allen West’s New Book-Shaped Object Full Of Slavery And Fake Founding Fathers Quotes

Allen West’s terrible new book is finally out, although the cover photo has been kicking around since November. Frankly, when we saw articles about West’s “new book” we thought maybe this was a rushed sequel. But no, it just turns out that West’s exciting memoirfesto, Guardian of the Republic: An American Ronin’s Journey to Faith, Family and Freedom, only slithered onto bookstore shelves on April 1. Somehow, the anticipation between the release of the cover image and the actual collection of typed pages managed not to kill us. So now that the rough beast has slouched into Amazon, what is in this tome? Would you believe “fake quotes from the Founding Fathers” and “stupid slavery analogies”? We bet you would! Read more on Allen West’s New Book-Shaped Object Full Of Slavery And Fake Founding Fathers Quotes…
  fact: george washington didn't read darwin

Wingnut Constitution Expert Explains How Teaching Evolution Makes You Disloyal To America

Well this is fun. This nice fellow is Michael Peroutka, the founder of the “Institute on the Constitution” and a former presidential candidate of the Constitution Party. He sure does love him some Constitution! He’s also a member of the neo-Confederate League of the South and a good old white supremacist, too. And he has some interesting thoughts about science and Americanism, too, as we see in this video from Right Wing Watch — the lecture is from 2011, but they just discovered it while doing other research, and had to share it with the world. And golly, it’s some bracing stuff! You see, kids, Mr. Peroutka has discovered that basic political philosophy of the United States, as expressed in documents by the Founding Fathers, is grounded in the obvious Science Fact that “creation occurred about 6000 years ago. So the whole idea of evolution and that the Earth is…millions and millions of years old is absolutely antithetical to America … “What I am saying is that the promotion of evolution is an act of disloyalty to America… What I’m saying is that there is no way you could promote or believe in evolution and sing ‘God Bless America’ during the 7th inning stretch.” How is it that we had never heard of this Michael Peroutka before? We see that Yr Wonkette has mentioned him just once, in 2007, when he endorsed Ron Paul because he approved of Dr. Paul’s adherence to the Biblical principle that “it is not the role of God-ordained civil government, at any level, to feed, house, clothe or educate anybody.” He seems nice. Read more on Wingnut Constitution Expert Explains How Teaching Evolution Makes You Disloyal To America…
  life liberty and the pursuit of barminess

Let Breitbart Explain How Ghost Thomas Jefferson Is Mad At Obama For Cheating On The Constitution

Would you like to read the anguished product of one million conservative tears and howls of rage? Were you hoping that it started with slamming Bamz for a lame joke but then somehow pivoted to the French President’s l’adultery? And how about if we throw in some discussion of how Ghost Thomas Jefferson wanders the halls of Monticello crying? The answer to all these questions, of course, is hell yes you want this, and Breitbart has got you covered with this screed so breathless it is hyperventilating. America’s president — heir to the world’s greatest document of freedom ever drawn up by man — strode across the hallowed grounds of Thomas Jefferson’s Monticello. With his hands clasped behind his back as a fuehrer surveying his troops or his kingdom, he told a gaggle of onlookers, “That’s the good thing about being president. I can do whatever I want.” It may have been a lame attempt at despot humor, but it fell terribly flat and reveals a shocking unawareness of himself and what so many American people think of him. “Despot Humor” is our new post-punk band. OK, so Obama’s joke sucked. Did you write a column about how Obama is unfunny, Breitbart? Oh hell no. You wrote it about how Ghost Thomas Jefferson is crying for America. Read more on Let Breitbart Explain How Ghost Thomas Jefferson Is Mad At Obama For Cheating On The Constitution…
  wonkette world o' books

Sundays With The Christianists: In Great Artist Jon McNaughton’s Novel, Wingnuts Finally Win Every Argument

Sternums up, everybody! Time to wrap up our visit to the mind of Great American Artist Of America Jon McNaughton, as revealed in his teen novel Knight of the Superstitions. It’s a stirring tale of a young Mary Sue named Josh Knight, who with the help of his guardian angel Nathaniel becomes adept at seeing and defeating the surprisingly boring demons and other evil influences that plague our world. Last week we looked at Josh’s spiritual journey, such as it is; this week, we’ll take a look at the book’s very insightful political content, although we suppose McNaughton would say there’s no difference. So strap on your Spiritual Armor — we recommend strong coffee or maybe a Bloody Mary — and we’ll watch Josh strike a blow for liberty against the oppression of liberal education. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: In Great Artist Jon McNaughton’s Novel, Wingnuts Finally Win Every Argument…
  total eclipse of the smarts

Sundays With The Christianists: Homeschooled American History That’s Almost Like The Real Thing

After all the sex and excitement of the Revolutionary War and the writing of the Constitution, our American History textbooks for Christian schools present us with something of a challenge: there’s just not all that much crazy for them to say about the following few decades of history. Sure, there’s a lot of stuff that has to go on the test, but when’s the last time you got wrapped up in an argument about the Monroe Doctrine or the X Y Z Affair? And so our Christian textbooks manage to get through stuff like the Louisiana Purchase and the War of 1812 without any particular fuss. Still, when comparing these books to secular textbooks, you develop a Vincent Vega-like appreciation of the little differences, like their discussion of Thomas Jefferson’s heresies, or their condemnation of Native Americans’ being led astray by “superstition.” Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Homeschooled American History That’s Almost Like The Real Thing…
  fear of a black planet

Barack Obama Way Worse Slaveholder Than Actual Slaveholders, Obviously

Oh hi there readers. Whatcha doing? Stuff? Work stuff? Fun stuff? Sexytime stuff? Are you in the Midwest and digging yourself out of a million inches of snow? Why not take a break and go read this delightful 2388-word (YES WE COUNTED THEM. ok, actually, we just cut and pasted them into Word, which counted them for us) article over at American Thinker? It starts out in a really promising fashion: Read more on Barack Obama Way Worse Slaveholder Than Actual Slaveholders, Obviously…
  clear and present danger

GOP Apologizes For ‘Armed Revolution’ ‘Metaphor’ With Reminder To Shed Blood Of Tyrants

Seems ol’ Diddles McGee at the Greene County, Virginia, GOP, has caught some unfriendly fire after his insane ramblings about how we must have “armed revolution” if Obama succeeds at the ballot box. He tried to pull a Wyclef — “When I say gun, I mean my pen and paper” — and claim it was “a metaphor.” A metaphor? Yes! “Armed revolution” is a metaphor for “violent overthrow of the government.” Gah, didn’t any of you get no schoolin’? They will shoot President Obama with a machine gun of VOTES! But (SADFACE!) the Greene County GOP fired poor Diddles anyway! And then, when they explained how it was not the language they would have used, they reminded us all with great piety of the First Amendment and how it totally protects calls for armed revolution*, and then maybe sort of called for more of the same! Oh you guys! Such kidders! Read more on GOP Apologizes For ‘Armed Revolution’ ‘Metaphor’ With Reminder To Shed Blood Of Tyrants…
  big love

Helpful Mormons Hitched Up Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings For All Eternity

Well, that’s nice, you guys. Having already magically made Mormons out of Anne Frank, Elvis, Pope John Paul II, and Hitler (him they can have!), the Church of Latter Day Saints has now turned its attention to marrying people who might not even want to get married! Like, remember when Bristol and Levi were going to have to get married at, like, 12, so Sarah Palin could be Vice President? Those crazy kids dodged that bullet, huh? But now they will probably be married in the afterlife, because Mormons just cannot keep their nose out of everybody else’s celestial planets. So which important people have the Mormons married now? Oh, just Thomas Jefferson and his slave, Sally Hemings, that’s all. Read more on Helpful Mormons Hitched Up Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings For All Eternity…
  history is now fixed

Wingnuts Have New Book Proving Jefferson Never Sexed Black Lady

Certain factions of “Founding Father truthers” are still unable to reconcile themselves to the generally-accepted historical and DNA evidence that white Founding Father squad captain Thomas Jefferson was perenially knocking up one of his black slaves, mostly for the twin reasons that a) as the American reincarnation of Jesus, Thomas Jefferson was not supposed to be sleeping around, and b) he was white. So you see the problem. The Thomas Jefferson Heritage Society has a new book showing that none of it actually happened based mostly on the fact that DNA tests in 1998 only link Hemings’s descendants to “some Jefferson guy, so, uh, probably his brother Randolph.” Read more on Wingnuts Have New Book Proving Jefferson Never Sexed Black Lady…
  this guy ate bill hicks!

Screaming Alex Jones Says Evil, Soul-Killing Justin Bieber Isn’t As Cool As Tesla, Magellan

Austin loon Alex Jones HAS HAD IT with “Justin Biebler,” who is not at all cool like Tesla and Jefferson and Magellan. Bieber made us “stunted, weak, back-stabbing gibbering demons.” THIS IS PRETTY MUCH TRUE! [Alex Jones] Read more on Screaming Alex Jones Says Evil, Soul-Killing Justin Bieber Isn’t As Cool As Tesla, Magellan…
  internal threats

Will Rep. Keith Ellison 9/11 Robert Gibbs With Thomas Jefferson’s Koran?

Wingnuts such as then-Congressman Virgil Goode bravely tried to stop dangerous Minnesota Muslim Keith Ellison from becoming America’s first Islamic U.S. Representative back in 2007, but Ellison outflanked them by taking his oath on the actual Koran owned by debt-ridden slaveholder and teabagger hero Thomas Jefferson. Now, Congressman Ellison and his “religion of peace” have targeted Robert Gibbs. Ellison called for Gibbs’ resignation yesterday, but now he’s sort of vaguely backtracking while still not renouncing terrorism and the 9/11 mosque. Read more on Will Rep. Keith Ellison 9/11 Robert Gibbs With Thomas Jefferson’s Koran?…
  rumors on the internets

Episcopal Fundamentalists Declare Jihad On U.S. Senate

Some IDF soldiers did a funny dance while “on patrol” (trying to find flotillas to murder). This lighthearted music video makes everything better; it heals all wounds, big and small. [Telegraph] Read more on Episcopal Fundamentalists Declare Jihad On U.S. Senate…
  independence day movie time

Happy July 4, American Communists! Enjoy This Terrifying Movie

Ever since Thomas Jefferson blotted out “Supreme Soviet Koran” in the Declaration of Independence and used “Our Queen’s Loyal Subjects” instead, communistic-socialism has been the defining element of America. Usually, it’s the fear of communism more than the actual thing itself, as whatever modern global socialist benefits occasionally added to America (Social Security, Medicare, government-funded K-12 education, etc.) is generally welcomed by this nation’s wretched people. Read more on Happy July 4, American Communists! Enjoy This Terrifying Movie…
  rumors on the internets

For Most Lawmakers, ‘Free Hookers’ Is Too Little, Too Late

“Imagine a United States Senate with Michael Williams, Pat Toomey, and Marco Rubio. Now imagine Pat Toomey massaging your naked body with Skippy peanut butter, as Marco’s moist testicles rest on your face … We can make all that a reality.” [RedState] Read more on For Most Lawmakers, ‘Free Hookers’ Is Too Little, Too Late…
  islamic karma

Anti-Muslim Hero Rep. Virgil Goode Loses

Truly, Virgil Goode was our nation’s finest congressman, because only he stood up for America when a frightening Detroit Muslim, Keith Ellison, won a Minnesota congressional seat in 2006. See, Ellison was sworn in using Thomas Jefferson’s Koran, but Goode wanted to use it, for masturbation, because Goode represented Virginia’s 5th congressional district, which includes Jefferson’s beloved Monticello. Read more on Anti-Muslim Hero Rep. Virgil Goode Loses…