thomas jefferson
Helpful Mormons Hitched Up Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings For All Eternity
Well, that’s nice, you guys. Having already magically made Mormons out of Anne Frank, Elvis, Pope John Paul II, and Hitler (him they can have!), the Church of Latter Day Saints has now turned its attention to marrying people who might not even want to get married! Like, remember when Bristol and Levi were going [...]
Wingnuts Have New Book Proving Jefferson Never Sexed Black Lady
Certain factions of “Founding Father truthers” are still unable to reconcile themselves to the generally-accepted historical and DNA evidence that white Founding Father squad captain Thomas Jefferson was perenially knocking up one of his black slaves, mostly for the twin reasons that a) as the American reincarnation of Jesus, Thomas Jefferson was not supposed to be [...]
Screaming Alex Jones Says Evil, Soul-Killing Justin Bieber Isn’t As Cool As Tesla, Magellan
Austin loon Alex Jones HAS HAD IT with “Justin Biebler,” who is not at all cool like Tesla and Jefferson and Magellan. Bieber made us “stunted, weak, back-stabbing gibbering demons.” THIS IS PRETTY MUCH TRUE! [Alex Jones]
Will Rep. Keith Ellison 9/11 Robert Gibbs With Thomas Jefferson’s Koran?
Wingnuts such as then-Congressman Virgil Goode bravely tried to stop dangerous Minnesota Muslim Keith Ellison from becoming America’s first Islamic U.S. Representative back in 2007, but Ellison outflanked them by taking his oath on the actual Koran owned by debt-ridden slaveholder and teabagger hero Thomas Jefferson. Now, Congressman Ellison and his “religion of peace” have [...]
Episcopal Fundamentalists Declare Jihad On U.S. Senate
Some IDF soldiers did a funny dance while “on patrol” (trying to find flotillas to murder). This lighthearted music video makes everything better; it heals all wounds, big and small. [Telegraph] The Episcopal Church is angry at the U.S. Senate for saying derogatory things about deceased terrorist Thurgood Marshall, who happens to be an Episcopal [...]
For Most Lawmakers, ‘Free Hookers’ Is Too Little, Too Late
“Imagine a United States Senate with Michael Williams, Pat Toomey, and Marco Rubio. Now imagine Pat Toomey massaging your naked body with Skippy peanut butter, as Marco’s moist testicles rest on your face … We can make all that a reality.” [RedState] The Associated Press has bought the rights to “Thomas Jefferson.” © Associated Press. [...]
Anti-Muslim Hero Rep. Virgil Goode Loses
Truly, Virgil Goode was our nation’s finest congressman, because only he stood up for America when a frightening Detroit Muslim, Keith Ellison, won a Minnesota congressional seat in 2006. See, Ellison was sworn in using Thomas Jefferson’s Koran, but Goode wanted to use it, for masturbation, because Goode represented Virginia’s 5th congressional district, which includes [...]
July 4 Bush Speech Censors Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson invented July 4, by writing the Declaration of Independence for “Independence Day,” and later writing the Constitution, and then patriotically dropping dead on July 4. This is why George W. Bush went to Jefferson’s famous slave brothel, Monticello, to read a July 4 speech that quoted Jefferson except for the part of the [...]
George Bush Heckled At Thomas Jefferson’s Slave Mansion
Hello everyone. How were your Fourth of July weeks? Well that’s wonderful. The worst Fourth of July experience this year was probably that of Jesse Helms, who hilariously died. But important founding father Thomas Jefferson also died on the Fourth of July (five, ten years ago-ish), and that’s why President Bush spent his holiday at [...]
Philadelphia So Crazy On Election Day
Libertarians Hassled For Dorky Public Dancing On Jefferson’s Birthday
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