Wonkette

Thomas Jefferson invented July 4, by writing the Declaration of Independence for “Independence Day,” and later writing the Constitution, and then patriotically dropping dead on July 4. This is why George W. Bush went to Jefferson’s famous slave brothel, Monticello, to read a July 4 speech that quoted Jefferson except for the part of the quote where Jefferson said Christians were idiots. MORE »

Hello everyone. How were your Fourth of July weeks? Well that’s wonderful. The worst Fourth of July experience this year was probably that of Jesse Helms, who hilariously died. But important founding father Thomas Jefferson also died on the Fourth of July (five, ten years ago-ish), and that’s why President Bush spent his holiday at Jefferson’s house, Monticello, among the ghosts of his “mocha” bastard slave children. And then RADICAL LEFT protest group Code Pink harassed him a bunch of times, just like they did every day when Jefferson lived his naked life with Sacagawea. [YouTube]

These news trucks are parked outside Hillary Clinton’s (and our) hotel in Philadelphia, on Broad Street. That is corrupt City Hall in the background, the evil gothic thing. What else is happening in Philadelphia today? Much of it involves Thomas Jefferson, penis food, sparkly voting signs and Star Wars musicals. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have been overrun by this strange City on a Landfill. MORE »

Normal Americans celebrate Thomas Jefferson by pouring out a 40 on the sidewalk and saying mournfully, “Here’s to you, firecrotch” and then lighting $5 bills on fire. But Libertarians celebrate by dancing in solemn white-people fashion to their own personal iPods, in front of the Jefferson Memorial. And then they get arrested. Well, one of them does. [YouTube]

WAS THOMAS JEFFERSON A PAULTARD? “Jefferson developed a full-blooded conspiracy theory in which bankers, speculators, federal officeholders, and a small but powerful congregation of closet Tories permanently alienated from the agrarian majority (’They all live in Cities,’ he wrote) had captured the meaning of the Revolution and were now proceeding to strangle it to death behind the closed doors of investment houses and within the faraway corridors of the Federalist government in New York and Philadelphia.” [Founding Brothers, by Joseph J. Ellis]

* Wars get paid for by magic. [Michelle Malkin]
* A Republican can spot foul play from a mile away. You know, beause they break the law a lot, is what we’re saying. [Redstate]
* Government officials don’t exactly use Priceline. [Think Progress]
* Who could possibly imagine that guys who sign up to fight in Iraq just for the money would be a little imbalanced? [Capitol Hill Blue]
* Who could have guessed that Nixon and Numbnuts had nothing on Thomas Jefferson. [Political Wire]
* Wesley Clark is going to have to work pretty hard to get Rush “Jubba the Hutt” Limbaugh dislodged from his throne. [ElectioN Central]
* The State Department helped the drunken Blackwater killer get out of Iraq because the government has been helping drunken members of its cabal get out of tough jams for years. It’s practically written into the law. [TPMmuckraker]

A thug cop known only for savagely beating black kids in Minneapolis and commanding a drug-raid squad that shot one of its own officers is in trouble again — this time for calling Congressman Keith Ellison a “terrorist.” MORE »

A retired professor sick of campaign mailings from her GOP congresswoman decided to send a message back: she brought some dog crap wrapped up in said mailings to the representative’s district office. MORE »

Here is some fun MLK Jr. trivia the Main Stream Media won’t tell you: Did you know Dr. King is one of only four humans honored with a U.S. holiday all to themselves?

Thomas Jefferson doesn’t get one, and neither does Benjamin Franklin, James Madison, John Adams or Thomas Paine. Even presidents who were assassinated by Sinister Forces don’t get federal holidays: Abraham Lincoln, James Garfield, William McKinley and John F. Kennedy have been utterly forgotten.

More facts and the greatest painting ever, after the jump.

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Tomorrow, the 110th Congress will be sworn in (the nation be will unemployed, aflame, and overrun by Human-Animal Hybrid Rights Terrorists by Monday). Only one new Congressman has managed to stir up any excitement about this boring photo-op: Keith Ellison (Terrorist-MN), the first Muslim elected to the House of Representatives. MORE »

The US Mint, having already ensured that someday we will handle a dollar coin emblazoned with the face of Gerald Ford, is now giving in to whiny bleeding-heart types by putting all the Presidents’ wives on some coins. Half-ounce gold coins of no denomination that will not circulate. Fun fact: MORE »

Cyber-libertarian hero R.U. Sirius asked some Great Minds if America has already become a fascist state, but he also asked Wonkette’s West Coast Bureau Chief (who used to write for R.U.’s Getting It) to answer the question. The somber yet comical results can be found at 10 Zen Monkeys, Mr. Sirius’ delightful new webzine. MORE »

* Attention focuses on the future of Rove, Card; outside names are floated as possible additions to the White House senior staff. [NYT]
* Supreme Court clarifies police powers to enter private homes; both partners must agree to search unless warrant is presented. The case shows “the strains behind the surface placidity and collegiality of the young Roberts court.” [WP, NYT, USAT]
* Today makes Bush the “longest-sitting president since Thomas Jefferson not to exercise his veto.” [USAT, USAT]
* Iraq war veteran edges out victory in Cook County, Illinois congressional race; results delayed due to problems with electronic voting machines. [WP]
* DeLay’s attorneys ask judges to make quick decisions to avoid interference with the midterm election. [WP, USAT]
* Former Rep. Randy Cunningham’s bribed goods will be auctioned today. [WP]
* Democratic comeback strategies hit the bookshelves. [WSJ]