Wonkette

Perhaps the only organization more press release-happy than MoveOn.org is the Nader-Gonzalez campaign, and for that reason alone they should be dumped in a pit of half-rotten venomous snakes with Joe Lieberman and set on fire, slowly. But also! They have a new press release with statistics that show, somehow, that Ralph Nader will maybe siphon off McCain voters and give Barack Obama and even bigger lead in the general election. Huh? MORE »

Ron Paul’s very special press conference has ended and, we regret to inform, it featured no “Tournament of Losers”-style death match among the various third-party candidates he invited. He totally copped out and endorsed three third-party candidates: Ralph Nader, Cynthia McKinney, and Chuck Baldwin. He was planning on endorsing Bob Barr, too, but selfish Barr didn’t want to share the blessing with his fellow losers and refused to show up. Ha ha, Bob Barr is in loser-denial. But Paul redeemed his hazy endorsement of these competing hippie agendas by revealing that Phil “Nation of Whiners” Gramm tried to force him into endorsing John McCain. And somehow Paul fended off his heroically persuasive powers! MORE »

Look, Ron Paul, YOU WIN, FINE, YOU AND YOUR SUPPORTERS ARE GREAT, now will you please go away for a long time and play with your gold bricks, alone? Of course he won’t, which is why he’s making yet another “special announcement” tomorrow about some useless new thing he’s cookin’ up. He’s almost as bad of an attention whore as Ralph Nader, who Paul has invited to tomorrow’s press conference. Cynthia McKinney too! Bob Barr too! Chuck Baldwin (the Constitutional Party candidate) too! What a depressing quintet of failure. MORE »

In the event that Iranian Space Monsters bomb everything in the entire world and Internet tonight except the National Press Club, you may consider attending its lecture tomorrow from this Presidential Candidate of the “Proudican” party, where he will explain his unique “prolutions,” which are either “progressive solutions” or “masturbatory conspiracy salons.” [National Press Club]

Very old consumer advocate Ralph Nader launched a third-party bid for the presidency again today, bringing a swift end to corporate welfare queens across America. Wear yr seatbelts! MORE »