Wonkette

Mitt Romney will probably lose everything tomorrow, but that’s exactly the point. As he told reporters today, “I am definitely the underdog compared to Sen. McCain, a number of people have proclaimed that… But the nice thing about being the underdog is they typically win.” No, Mittens, the underdog always wins. Wednesday morning, once McCain has locked up the nomination, call a press conference and declare yourself president for life. This should be a cakewalk for your spin team, at this point. [The Trail] MORE »

*STOP MAKING US FEEL BETTER ABOUT HILLARY:* Warmongering Emperor John McCain today criticized Hillary Clinton’s plan to start pulling troops out of Iraq within the first 60 days of her presidency, because if he can’t drink fresh, young blood anymore, how will his old ass stay alive? “For the first time in American political history,” the Emperor said, “a candidate for president has called for surrender and raised the white flag.” Silly dementia-suffering Emperor. We already won the war with the SURGE. [The Trail]

John McCain announced this weekend that he wanted to die. Not really, but the thought was probably in his head when he did say that if he were elected president, it would be his “intention” to reject Secret Service protection. Not that this is much of a surprise — back in Walnuts’ sporting youth, he didn’t need any foo-foo bodyguards, and it only landed him five years as a prisoner of war. [The Trail]