Tag Archives: the south

  In which we have "feelings" and bullshit like that

A Sappy Love Letter From Your Gay Wonkette, About America Getting Gay Marriaged In The Butt

That's yr gay Wonkette's niece. She's actually a wingnut, but her parents pose her for pictures like this.
Thursday night, I sat in my parents’ front yard just outside Memphis and looked at the house where I spent my teenage years. I wasn’t intending to have either Poignant Thoughts or A Moment, I just wanted to smoke a cigarette. (SHUT UP, I AM QUITTING.) I looked at the windows of my old bedroom and suddenly remembered, “Oh, tomorrow might be the day.” And then, surprisingly but not out of nowhere, I remembered the early ’90s, when I started to realize I was “different.” Well, I already knew THAT. I was a weird kid: I’d been playing piano since the age of four and reading since two; I was not all that athletic (I’m being generous); and I was just generally WEIRD. Suddenly, as I hit puberty, I realized that all those sexxxy thoughts I was having were about the boys in my class, not the girls. Read more on A Sappy Love Letter From Your Gay Wonkette, About America Getting Gay Marriaged In The Butt…

How Is President Obama Being Un-White Today?

We are sorry to be the ones to have to tell you this, but not only is Barack Hussein Obama “exotic,” but also he is 47 percent negro (because MATH) and some sad crackers in the South and Arizona, the South of the Southwest, have some Feelings about that. Tell us about your Feelings, sad crackers. Read more on How Is President Obama Being Un-White Today?…
  teach them well

Atlanta Teachers Save Newspaper Industry With Valiant Cheating Effort

The daily life of American children in 2011 is, at best, a tragedy. They are obese from inhaling Pop’em donuts in front of the teevee, knocked up from having slumber parties in the wilderness, and they are also only mildly literate. The obesity thing is Michelle Obama’s problem, but when it comes to education, the brave teachers and school administrators of Atlanta, Georgia will do whatever it takes to put their students on the road to success. Of course, actually teaching children is extremely difficult, especially when kids are poor (and obese, probably) so the next reasonable alternative is for teachers to hang out at each other’s houses, drinking boxed wine and scribbling out their students’ incorrect answers on all the important tests. Read more on Atlanta Teachers Save Newspaper Industry With Valiant Cheating Effort…
  mississippi for the win

Mississippi Wins Coveted Free Gay Porn/God Google Search Prize

Mississippi is a book by William Faulkner that somehow turned into a dumb reality show called Haley Barbour and Other Comical Racist White Villains With Dumb Accents vs. Poor Black People Forever. And ever since the nation’s poorest, most obese and reliably Republican-voting state got Internet access last year, the main thing the people of Mississippi have been looking for, on the ‘puter, is “free gay porn” and “God.” In that order. Read more on Mississippi Wins Coveted Free Gay Porn/God Google Search Prize…
  our impending deaths

Already Way Down In 37th Place, American Life Expectancy Is Much Worse In the South, Texas, Etc.

How’s the “best health care system in the world” doing, these days? Uhh …. Large swaths of the United States are showing decreasing or stagnating life expectancy even as the nation’s overall longevity trend has continued upwards, according to a county-by-county study of life expectancy over two decades. Read more on Already Way Down In 37th Place, American Life Expectancy Is Much Worse In the South, Texas, Etc….
  now we know what those dogs were thinking

Tennessee Legislature Making It Illegal To Mention To Kids Gay People Exist

On Monday, Tennessee’s state House passed a bill to ban local laws that protect gay citizens from discrimination after the cesspool that is Nashville decided it would start considering gay people human beings of all things. (GAYS ARE A TYPE OF PLANT LIFE, NASHVILLE.) This is a fairly proactive approach to quelling equality before it becomes an epidemic in the South, but the Tennessee state Senate may have done one better: It passed a law that would make it illegal for teachers below the high school level to acknowledge that anybody in the world is anything but 100% hetero. Did you hear that, gay Tennessee children? The government of your state says you don’t exist and wants to make sure that if you think you are gay, you also think you are the only gay person in the world! That should be good for your emotional health. Read more on Tennessee Legislature Making It Illegal To Mention To Kids Gay People Exist…
  jesus on a dinosaur: that's how he rides

Tennessee GOP Bravely Votes To Teach ‘Creationism’ In Public Schools

We’re not sure how this is news in Tennessee, where schoolteacher John Scopes lost the “Scopes Monkey Trial” (in both the state courts and the U.S. Supreme Court) back in 1925-26, but “Tennessee’s Republican-dominated House of Representatives has overwhelmingly passed a bill that would protect teachers who want to challenge the theory of human evolution.” Well, sure, whatever, fine. Does it ultimately matter whether the illiterate children of Tennessee sit through an hour or two of evolutionary biology in high school? When the entire graduating class of 2012 applies for the same three night-shift part-time shelf-stocking jobs at the Wal-Mart, does anyone care if the kids believe dinosaur bones were hidden in the Earth by The Devil to trick wayward wingnuts? Read more on Tennessee GOP Bravely Votes To Teach ‘Creationism’ In Public Schools…
  legislature of dunces

Secessionist Arkansas State Rep: Confed. Flag ‘Symbol of Jesus Christ’

Hey, you know what’s happening in the year 2010? A guy recently elected to the state legislature in Arkansas is the local chairman of a secessionist organization and says the flag of the Confederacy is “a symbol of Jesus Christ,” which is interesting, because other people would say that thing is a symbol that there’s not a Jesus Christ. Oh, but Republican Loy Mauch and his fellow cracker dweebs in The League of the South aren’t just waiting around until the Confederacy inevitably returns. They also seek to “personally secede from the corrupt and corrupting influence of post-Christian culture in America” by home-schooling their kids and starting “parallel institutions to which people can attach their loyalties.” Sounds like the kind of people you want running your state government. Read more on Secessionist Arkansas State Rep: Confed. Flag ‘Symbol of Jesus Christ’…
  miner threat

Coal Companies Kill Mountains, For Fun

Every day, President Obama wakes up beside Rahm Emanuel (they are both naked) and wonders how he can force you stupid fucks to retroactively abort your children. This is his primary goal, as Commander-in-Chief. And then he gets up and does other things. One of the things “he” (as in the slaves he employs) has been up to lately is getting in the way of Clean Coal Energy. Read more on Coal Companies Kill Mountains, For Fun…
  confederate states of america

Wingnut Website Offers ‘Politically Incorrect’ Book About Civil War

Are you bummed about not being able to own African slaves, both because of your permanently doomed financial condition and also the anti-state’s-rights 13th amendment to the Constitution? Well we hope you are enjoying being an angry old white slob with a moldy sofa on your porch! Also, you may want to “subscribe” to the web page “Human Events,” in order to get a special bonus gift: The Politically Incorrect Guide™ to the Civil War. Haha, stupid slaves! Read more on Wingnut Website Offers ‘Politically Incorrect’ Book About Civil War…
  email of the day

Illiterate Southern ‘Vampire’ Offers Racial Advice

Last week your Wonkette posted some news about racism in Tennessee, because it was so shocking and rare and etc. Racism, in the South?! Many days later, this post drained all the way to the Internet’s southern parts, where a proud local man discovered the item in question, maybe on his ex-wife’s cousin’s ‘puter. He is probably upset, although it’s almost impossible to tell. Read more on Illiterate Southern ‘Vampire’ Offers Racial Advice…
  the terrorist next door

Is There a *Reason* Why Terrorist South Carolina Has a Muslim Flag?

South Carolina is filled with traitors — traitors who literally started a war with the United States, because we would not let them keep the vast majority of their population as chattel slaves. And the people of this bog-state are apparently *flaunting* these terroristic inclinations even today, according to Wonkette operative “Ed M.,” who just drove through the enemy territory and reports that “the state’s flag, logo, license plates, commemorative thimbles, etc. all have crescent moons on them. Even the tree they have under that Christian-hating moon looks Islamic.” Is it time to send predator drones and then nuclear missiles to this place, to save America, because We Are At War With Dangerous Extremists? Read more on Is There a *Reason* Why Terrorist South Carolina Has a Muslim Flag?…
  stop it

Skoal Rebel Turns On Jesus, Is Still Sad & Dull

Okay, this isn’t even funny anymore. This is just tragic, plus OMFG WHAT DID HE COUGH UP, UGH? “Jes’ sum chew.” When we are President, webcams will not be so casually distributed to Real Americans. This video is Not Safe for your brain/soul. [YouTube] Read more on Skoal Rebel Turns On Jesus, Is Still Sad & Dull…
  the rapist finder

‘THE PRESIDENT IS A NAGGER.’ Hmm what could possibly go wrong with that statement , on an outdoor sign with easily changeable letters, in Kentucky? [WLWT-TV]
  the world is fat

New Study Proves It: Two-Thirds of Americans Officially Fat

Huzzah for the Can-Do spirit of Americans, who continue to just pile on the pounds despite the nation’s crushed economy. Turns out you don’t need much money to become obese! And without jobs, Americans have more time than ever to sit in front of teevee eating another bucket of corn-syrup taco-ball cheezey-poop pasta-bowl Grease Dipperz™. So, let’s all give a KFC double-drumstick round of applause for Mississippi, with a literally staggering 32.5% of its population medically obese. Second prize (a truckload of trans-fat soaked Chocohoglick-brand chocolate-flavored Globulez™) goes to West Virginia, Alabama and Tennessee, each boasting obesity rates of 30% or higher. Read more on New Study Proves It: Two-Thirds of Americans Officially Fat…

Wingnut Church Changes Obama-Osama Church Sign

When God decided that fundamentalist Christians would have to be poor and obese, he gave them a consolation prize: Their churches could have tacky letterboard signs out front, just like those equipment rental warehouses out on the frontage road or county highway. These signs are used to share comical slogans with the heathens who race by in their fancy foreign cars with “airbags” and “valid registrations.” One such church in South Carolina recently put up this great message: OBAMA OSAMA HUMM ARE THEY BROTHERS, apparently meaning it to say, “Obama and Osama — Hmm, are they brothers?” Read more on Wingnut Church Changes Obama-Osama Church Sign…