Tag Archives: the hill

  and who says journalism is dead?

Military.com Leads Pulitzer Race With SHOCKING Discovery That Troops Want More Money

Are you ready to be shocked? Not just shocked, but SHOCKED? In an effort to scoop the VOX-FiveThirtyEight-Industrial-Statistical-Complex, Military.com has put together a super-sophisticated voluntary online poll that asks the really tough questions: Do you want to make more money, or less? Do you want to know the results? Can you even imagine what those results might be? Because it is a really hard question to answer, and we bet that you will never ever guess what that answer is. The answer is: About nine in 10 active-duty service members oppose the Defense Department’s proposals to reduce their pay raises and basic allowances for housing, according to a new survey by Military.com. In an online chatcave survey of wonket writers, nine out of ten of us were drunk. But ten out of ten thought that this was a stupid fucking survey. Eleven out of ten of us wondered why news outlets bothered to give it coverage. Let’s sadsplore.  Read more on Military.com Leads Pulitzer Race With SHOCKING Discovery That Troops Want More Money…
  kentucky wildcatfight

Mitch McConnell Hearts Gays, Except He Doesn’t Because He Sucks At Life

We all know that every problem in America can be blamed on the liberals, with our absolute belief that man-on-dog-on-snowman sex should be taught as Biblically sanctioned in second grade classrooms. Let’s just face facts — we liberals love us some LGBTQs, and we have no bigger champion in our fold than Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. Wait, what? Per The Hill: Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) is taking fire from the Senate Conservatives Fund, which has endorsed his primary challenger Matt Bevin, for his support for a Kentucky judge that recently ruled the state must recognize same-sex marriages. Welcome to the right side of history, Mitch! Your arranged marriage to a folding chair is scheduled for later this week. Let’s same-sexplore.  Read more on Mitch McConnell Hearts Gays, Except He Doesn’t Because He Sucks At Life…
  a wingnut meme is born

Usual Sleazy Liars Would Love You To Believe That ‘More Than Half Of All SNAP Benefits Are Used to Buy Sugary Drinks’

The Hill is usually pretty good, but it’s been over 24 hours since they published this untrue thing, which is still there at the time of this writing: A 2012 study found that food stamps enable about $2 billion worth of junk food purchases each year, and that more than half of all SNAP benefits are used to buy sugary drinks. [emphasis ours] Naturally, this is already spreading like hot butter among the wingers. The straight dope (pdf link), of course, is that: Researchers found that 58 percent of all refreshment beverages purchased by SNAP participants were for sugar-sweetened beverages such as regular soda, fruit drinks, and sports drinks. According to the researchers, SNAP benefits paid for 72 percent of these purchases. [again, emphasis ours] These words do not say that “more than half” of all SNAP benefits are spent on trash drinks, but “more than half” of all drinks bought with SNAP are trash. OK, Still pretty bad, maybe? Read more on Usual Sleazy Liars Would Love You To Believe That ‘More Than Half Of All SNAP Benefits Are Used to Buy Sugary Drinks’…
  paging nurse ratched

Totally Sane Congressman: Obama Is Hiding Benghazi Witnesses Away, Probably In FEMA Camps, Why Not

We here at this little mommyblog sometimes take issue with the wingnut wing of the Republican Party, what with their scandal-non-scandals, hyping of misinformation, and the occasional outright lie because of deep-seated racism surface-level racism being awful human beings. But every now and then along comes a sad, pathetic Congresscritter who has truly gone over the edge of sanity and begun frothing at the mouth and ranting incoherently to the point that we feel pity rather than anger. The Hill depicts one of these sad shells of a human being: Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-S.C.) is accusing the Obama administration of a massive cover-up in the deadly Benghazi terrorist attack, saying it was “dispersing” witnesses around the country and changing their names in an effort to hide the truth about what happened. This makes us want to get him a glass of warm milk, encourage him to take his meds, and just go to bed. There there, Trey, there there. No, it’s ok – we sprinkled magic fairy Reagan dust, so there are no librul monsters under your bed, rest easy and dream of “Dr.” Beck.  Read more on Totally Sane Congressman: Obama Is Hiding Benghazi Witnesses Away, Probably In FEMA Camps, Why Not…
  eye of the beholder

Who Is On The Hill’s Most Beautiful People Thingy Besides Not You?

So The Hill did its Most Beautiful People Thingy, and they picked Jeff Flake to be the most beautiful person on Capitol Hill. That is weird right? Like, that is him, above. Um? The Hill is obviously staffed by sexless robots — not the good sexy robots like Tina, or John Thune. We mean really. No Bamz? No Mrs. Bamz? No sultry Betsy Rothstein? No Old Handsome Joe Biden? HANDSOME IS RIGHT THERE IN HIS NAME!!! But the most shocking omission of all is … Read more on Who Is On The Hill’s Most Beautiful People Thingy Besides Not You?…
  chicken not looking forward to what comes next

IRSgate joins Solyndragate and Benghazigate in Fake Scandal Heaven

In addition to being a cosmic turd straight from Satan’s bunghole, Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) is now just a laughing stock on Capitol Hill. If anyone anywhere takes this clown seriously in the future, we will be shocked. How has Issa managed to make himself an even bigger fool, the kind of ass that everyone, even small children, stop to point and laugh at?  It all goes back to the IRS, and this non-scandal that Issa bet his entire reputation as Chair of the House Oversight & Government Reform Committee upon. Salon hits the nail on the head: Remember the IRS scandal? How the tax agency improperly singled out Tea Party groups for extra scrutiny in a nefarious political vendetta against conservatives because the agency is either inherently liberal or was acting on orders from the Democratic President? Remember how it cost even Mitt Romney the election? Well, as it turns out, that whole scandal is entirely bogus. False. A fiction. The entire notion that the agency singled out groups with “Tea Party” in their name in simply wrong, we learn today, thanks to new documents revealed by the Associated Press. The documents, and confirmation from officials, show the IRS targeted groups with other keywords in their names, including “Progressive” and “Occupy.” Hahahahahaha, suck it, Rep. Issa. And suck it all you teabagger crazies complaining about how much butthurt you went through while suffering from your goddam persecution complex. Turns out you are all a bunch of whiny babies who jumped the gun before all the facts were in, and now you look like completely incompetent political hacks who are better off crawling back to whatever cosmic bunghole you came from.  Let’s wonksplain further. Read more on IRSgate joins Solyndragate and Benghazigate in Fake Scandal Heaven…
  boehner goes flaccid

Farm Bill Fail: House GOP Leadership Sucks At Their Job

So the House of Representatives has been compared to a bunch of spoiled whiny babies plenty of times, because Tea Party. And there have been a zillion stories written in newspapers, the web logs (“blogs”), and in the lamestream media about how no one can control them, except that Speaker Boehner is doing kinda an ok job because he lets them rant and rail and repeal Obamacare like 429 times rather than passing anything of substance. All that came to a screeching halt on Thursday afternoon, when the House had to take a break from its primary Constitutional duties — investigating Benghazi and defunding ACORN — and actually vote on a bill of actual substance. Take it away, The Hill: In a blow to House GOP leaders, the House on Thursday rejected a five-year farm bill. Members voted down the $940 billion bill in a 195-234 vote that only won 24 Democratic votes. HAHAHAHA, John Boehner sucks at his job. No seriously, like really really sucks. Not just that his policies suck, but he is actually a giant pile of fail, encapsulated in a thin orange crust of suckitude. Let’s wonksplain!  Read more on Farm Bill Fail: House GOP Leadership Sucks At Their Job…
  edumacation

Are You An Old Crazy Community College Professor? Then You Too Can Write For ‘The Hill’

Hello, do you write incoherently and do you have a thinly veiled agenda? Then come on down to the Hill and write an Op-Ed, they apparently have very low standards and anyone is welcome! Like Dale Schlundt, an adjunct professor in Business Administration at at community college in Texas, who has written an incoherent article for us to enjoy. Bonus: he also may or may not have a farm where he breeds award-winning goats, if that’s something you are into. Anyway, when he is not (maybe) goat farming, he posts poorly written articles on the internet, like this one and also this other one, which highlight his ongoing challenges with subject-verb agreement. Anyway, today we will make fun of his most recent article, which attempts to explain why we need a “practical curriculum” in higher education. Read more on Are You An Old Crazy Community College Professor? Then You Too Can Write For ‘The Hill’…
  frothing at the mouth

Rick Santorum Will Gladly Compromise With Democrats To Ruin Social Security For You

Oh finally, Rick Santorum has written a column on the Hill, weighing in on the election and What It Means! And What It Means is that the GOP will FINALLY, after all this time, cooperate with President Obama on cutting Social Security and privatizing Medicare. So the fact that Americans went to the polls and elected a lesbian, a bisexual atheist, a female Asian Buddhist, and a socialist, in addition to decriminalizing weed, legalizing gay marriage, and voting for tax increases means nothing. Well that’s not true; it means that they want Marco Rubio to charlar con ustedes about why you should retire at age 70 and buy health insurance on the open market. Read more on Rick Santorum Will Gladly Compromise With Democrats To Ruin Social Security For You…
  shining bigot on a hill

Not At All Racist Tea Party Express Chairwoman Goes on CNN to Explain Why Obama Doesn’t Love America Like ‘We’ Do

Hello Wonketeers, please enjoy this fun video wherein chairwoman of the Tea Party express Amy Kremer tries to explain why “Obama doesn’t love America the way we do.” Hint: it has something to do with him being “about more a global — having, uh, global, um, oh what’s the word? Being more global, one-world, with other countries, and it’s not about the shining city on the hill, the greatness that has always been America that our Founding Fathers were all about.” Does that clear it up? Read more on Not At All Racist Tea Party Express Chairwoman Goes on CNN to Explain Why Obama Doesn’t Love America Like ‘We’ Do…
  deficits don't matter

Oh Look Who Wants the Government’s Help Now (Hint: It Is Bobby Jindal)

Why HELLO Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-Hypocrisy), how is it going down there with that big storm barreling through your state and all? Battening down the hatches and whatnot? Letting the American People provide for themselves without suckling from the government’s teat, because of Liberty and all that? No, of course not! Bobby Jindal is UPSET seeing as how the government has not given him enough help, and by help, he means that the government is not spending enough money. No, not the “bad” kind of money that comes from when the federal government spends money to make health care affordable or educate children; this is the “good” kind of spending money that helps protect property and lives (unless the lives are in peril from lack of access to health care, in which case, see what we said about “bad” money above). Read more on Oh Look Who Wants the Government’s Help Now (Hint: It Is Bobby Jindal)…
  rethuglican talking points

Club For Growth Pres Will Now Explain Why Laying Off 47,000 People Will Help The Economy

You know what we DON’T need, especially in this economy? An agency dedicated to spurring economic growth, encouraging exports, and funding investment in local businesses, that’s what. Chris Chocola, a former Republican congressman and current president of the Club For Growth, took to The Hill yesterday to make these and other incoherent arguments about why we will all benefit from laying off 47,000 and destroying an agency dedicated to economic recovery. For example: According to its own website, the agency has a budget of approximately eight billion dollars and employs nearly 47,000 people. Many of its functions are unnecessary or easily merged into other departments. How better to address chronic unemployment than by laying off 47,000 people?  Of course, they work for the government so these jobs don’t count. What other brilliant suggestions does Chris Chocola have, now that he’s suggested that we maybe fire about 50,000 people? Read more on Club For Growth Pres Will Now Explain Why Laying Off 47,000 People Will Help The Economy…
  sex bomb sex bomb

Here Are the 50 Sexxxiest People Trapped On Capitol Hill This Summer!

EVERYBODY STRAP IN, The Hill released its “50 Most Beautiful People for 2011″ listicle thingamaboob, which contrary to the title is not a list of the 50 most beautiful people on Earth, but more like a “top 50 list of congressional staffers Newt Gingrich will try to DM on Twitter when his current wife gets a double brain tumor.” As per the tradition, it is a very boring list that tries to be all gossipy about exercise and “couponing” and dog doo cleanup tips from a swath of hyper type-A twentysomethings, except that is actually fifty pages, which is a loooooong time in Internet years to ask people to read a “feature story” about absolutely nothing. We even tabbed back over to stories about the debt ceiling a few times, is what we are saying. Maybe a “top 4″ would do it next year?  Read more on Here Are the 50 Sexxxiest People Trapped On Capitol Hill This Summer!…
  somehow levi's fault

America’s Youth (Bristol Palin) Didn’t Vote Yesterday

Even though Bristol Palin was dancing in California on the television last night, she still should have sent in her ballot absentee, because voting is just what white rural folks do, and that’s how their candidates win elections. But this morning, as the sun continues to hover over Alaska, Joe Miller is crying because Bristol gave his Senate seat to “Total Write-In” by not voting. “I did not send in my absentee ballots to Alaska,” she apparently told Bill O’Reilly’s Inside Edition. Wait, absentee ballots? How many ballots did Sarah collect for her daughter? Maybe she really did cost Joe Miller that election, by neglecting her duties when her mother wasn’t there to whip her into filling out 10,000 absentee ballots. Read more on America’s Youth (Bristol Palin) Didn’t Vote Yesterday…
 

Food Options For Beautiful People

If you make it through even a little of the “50 Most Beautiful People” on the Hill list — especially the moving prose — you will learn that the people on this annual summer-gimmick list made it there because of the ability to survive on a diet of cheese nips, pasta, and Diet Mountain Dew. Do these people not know that the Hill is home to some of the best restaurants in DC? As service-y journalists, we hope to help this confused and hungry group of “attractive for DC” people navigate their local eating options. Read more on Food Options For Beautiful People…
  orifice prospective

Here’s Your God-Forsaken ’50 Most Beautiful’ List

Absolutely nothing of note is happening in politics today, and it’s sort of hard to blog about nothing. But it is possible, by some sort of mathematical anomaly, to blog about less than nothing, so here we go! The Hill, you see, finds some people more attractive than other people, physically! And so every year it compiles a ranking of this opinion! And also please strike us down now, ye vengeful gods! Read more on Here’s Your God-Forsaken ’50 Most Beautiful’ List…