Mmmmmm Me Want VOTING RIGHTS
Monday, December 5th, 2005
Tonight, Showtime airs the most relevant political drama about zombies since “Night of the Living Dead’s” examination of race and violence…no, since “Dawn of the Dead’s” condemnation of consumerism… since “28 Days Later’s” disturbing allegory for the war on terror. What are we saying? Pretty much all zombie movies are politically relevant. But Showtime will be airing the most recent one, as part of their low-budget schlock horror series, “Master of Horror.” In it, dead soldiers returning from Iraq emerge from their coffins and demand voting rights, a cause that finds easy support among Republicans (and Chicago natives) until they discover that the “zombie dissidents” intend to exercise their franchise for “anyone who will end this evil war.” We had planned to have you insert your own Cindy Sheehan joke here, but apparently the film’s creator (”Gremlin” and “Toy Soldiers” helmer Joe Dante) already thought of it. We’re at a loss to envision how the movie could possibly be even more offensive to those likely to be offended by these sorts of things, though we hear some of the dead soldiers are gay. MORE »
Recent reports that the area real estate market is finally cooling probably have a lot of worried investors looking to God, but only Pastor Theresa Garrison of the Church of the Rapture got an early direct line: “Garrison always says that God channels his wishes through her, and when He said, ‘Sell,’ it was near the peak of a commercial real estate boom on 14th Street.” The Washington Post has been reporting on the gentrification of the corner of 14th and T, and the sale of the 30-year-old church was a watershed moment in letting loose the flood of urban settlers. At first — in a nod to the church’s legacy — the luxury apartments were to be called “Rapture Lofts.” Developers then thought about the target demo a little more closely. It will be called “T Street Flats.” Garrison is pleased with the name change: “See, I found out that the rent is gonna be so high that only the rich homosexuals and lesbians will be able to buy this condominium.” And bad news for bargain hunters: In case of rapture, these lofts will remain occupied. 
There have been complaints that we’re not posting enough lately, especially seeing as how it’s “Election Day.” Ha-ha. “Election Day.” You almost had us fooled! New Jersey is “electing” a governor? Is it even a state? Oh, and, sure: “Kaine” versus “Kilgore.” Those aren’t even real names. And in Texas, we’re supposed to believe that an anti-gay marriage bill will pass because it’s backed by the Ku Klux Klan. Riiiiiight. 
The Seattle Times reports that Concerned Women for America (a moniker which brings to mind a roomful of worry wrinkles) has found a new battleground in the war against the homosexual agenda, and it is the back of a coffee cup. They’re mad at Starbucks because of an Armistead Maupin quote, saying that the company should “stay out of these issues so that they don’t offend conservatives and people of faith.” Guess the White House won’t need any help with the Roberts nomination after all. Don’t these people have some abortions to stop or something? Talk about fighting like a girl. 