Tag Archives: the gays

  Non Sequiturd

Sen. Tom Cotton Says Gays Should Be Glad They’re Not Hung

We could just drop gays on Iran. Or Tom Cotton.
Arkansas Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Logan Act) has just about had it up to here with people fussing about “religious freedom” bills in Indiana and Arkansas, when we have far more important fish to fry, like undercutting the President on nuclear negotiations with Iran. Or, probably, Benghazi (Never Forget!). Read more on Sen. Tom Cotton Says Gays Should Be Glad They’re Not Hung…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Oh Yeah Wonket? Well YOU’RE An Abortion!

Dear Sir or Madame: I am outraged by the lack of variety in the .gifs on this blog!
This week’s crop of deleted comments made us feel a bit nostalgic, since a couple of them employ a rightwing rhetorical trope that we first noticed when we still read the local news-paper while listening to Fleetwood Mac on the Victrola. It’s the simplest possible sort of non sequitur: just take any current event and point out that the Scourge Of Abortion is far worse. “I don’t see why the plane crash in ____ is news when hundreds of babies are slaughtered daily…” “Your article on the Armenian Genocide reminded me that Americans are happy to deny their own genocide, legal since 1973…” “How can your reviewer complain about Ishtar when a true abomination takes place in Planned parenthood clinics every day?” So yeah, we got a couple of those this week. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Oh Yeah Wonket? Well YOU’RE An Abortion!…
  Sooo not fabulous

Indiana Republicans Will Not Eat Your Gayness, Sir, No They Will Not!

Jesus would totally bake you a cake
Now that it is 2015, it is time to swear in all of those state representatives we elected back in November. Remember that election? When we elected so many Republicans? And now Republicans hold both houses of the legislature and the governorship in 23 states and will be able to pass any laws they want? While Democrats hold that same majority in only seven states? Read more on Indiana Republicans Will Not Eat Your Gayness, Sir, No They Will Not!…
  Everyone feel sad now ok that's enough

Go Screw, Dumb Gay New York St. Pat’s Day Parade, The Catholic League Is Pulling Out Of You

Catholic League: 0, The Gays: All the points
We were afraid this might happen. The Catholic League, aka this one very lonely sad guy named Bill Donohue who devotes all 27 hours a day every day thinking about The Gay but in a not gay way, has spent the last year evil-scheming an evil scheme to punish The Gays, ever since they hijacked the St. Patrick’s Day parades in New York and Boston by forcing beer companies to sell gay beer to them or something. He had this great idea to march in the next Pride Parade, with a big colorful but in a straight way “STRAIGHT IS GREAT” banner, which didn’t work out so well when The Gays said, “Sure, Bill, come on down with your banner and your bad self and let your freak flag fly. We’d love to have you.” Read more on Go Screw, Dumb Gay New York St. Pat’s Day Parade, The Catholic League Is Pulling Out Of You…
  screeeeeeeech

Breitbart Howler Monkeys Outraged Lesbians Said Anything About That Bigot Bridal Store

You might remember that earlier this year, Pennsylvania had gay marriage rammed down its throat and we rejoiced and were glad. But in a weird quirk of Santorum law, though the gays can get hitched in Pennsylvania, they are not actually protected under discrimination laws. Read more on Breitbart Howler Monkeys Outraged Lesbians Said Anything About That Bigot Bridal Store…
  clip and save!

Here Is Your Helpful Post About Gay Marriage And Federalism, Just Like You Always Wanted

You know that we are very public service minded here at Wonkette, which is why we’re bringing you this handy-dandy column that you can cut out and put in your wallet for the next 1001th time that some idjit tries to explain to you that they don’t really hate the gays, but they just don’t see a need for gay marriage because you can totally just make a contract for all the rights marriage confers upon you. Next time that happens, and it will happen, because there is no known cure for terminal stupid, just whip this bad boy out and show ’em whatcha got. Read more on Here Is Your Helpful Post About Gay Marriage And Federalism, Just Like You Always Wanted…
  Speaking of Boobs

Michele Bachmann Said One Stupid Thing, Didn’t Say Other Stupid Thing

When in doubt, use this picture
Here’s your Michele Bachmann CrazyTrain update: Yes, she really did say that Teh Gheys want to abolish age-of-consent laws so they can rape children without consequences, but no, she did not say that the USA needs to open “Americanization camps” to make immigrant children work while they learn English. The former story was widely reported because it’s yet another example of Michele Bachmann saying unhinged freaky shit, and the latter story was also widely reported because, although it was originally from the lame fake-news site that wasn’t even The Onion, it sounded enough like another example of Michele Bachmann saying unhinged freaky shit. Read more on Michele Bachmann Said One Stupid Thing, Didn’t Say Other Stupid Thing…
  clipbait

Richard Nixon Didn’t Think Girls Should Cuss Like Common Jews, Rachel Maddow Is On It (Video)

It is no secret that we are totally gay for Rachel Maddow, who thinks that Yr. Wonkette is “profane and wonderful.” And Thursday she was in Full Nerdgirl mode, geeking out over newly-discovered audiotapes from Richard Nixon’s infamous Oval Office recording trove. But in these 1971 recordings, Nixon’s not plotting to cover up Watergate or fulminating about his enemies. Instead, these tapes captured the President having a philosophical chat with Henry Kissinger and H.R. Haldeman about “the gay thing” Nixon insists he’s very tolerant, understands that “They’re born that way,” and then goes on to explain, Read more on Richard Nixon Didn’t Think Girls Should Cuss Like Common Jews, Rachel Maddow Is On It (Video)…
  taste the rainbow

Russian Priest Discovers Shocking World Cup Secret: The Shoes Are Making Us All Gay

OK, we almost passed on writing this, because the whole thing just seems too good/bad to be true, too perfectly tailored for a good solid skewering by yr Wonkette. However, we haven’t found anything on the internet to debunk this bad boy, so we’re going in. Have you been enjoying your liberal elitist World Cup? With all the multiculturalism and the face-painting and the legitimately sexy haircuts, it’s no surprise that good God-fearing nations like Russia and Spain were knocked out early. And thank the lord above, because apparently sticking around too long means you will turn gay, mostly because you will no longer be able to resist the hypnotic homosexxyness of the brightly colored shoes the soccer players wear. See? We told you it was perfect. Read more on Russian Priest Discovers Shocking World Cup Secret: The Shoes Are Making Us All Gay…
  you gays get off his lawn

Angry Old Man At WND Pretty Sure That NAMBLA Is Going To Take Over The National Cathedral

We thumbed through our archives and realized we really don’t pay enough heed to the comedy stylings of Les Kinsolving over at WND, and that’s a crying shame, because he has the slightly-unhinged yet wholly cranky anger that only the elderly can really deliver, and oh my yes is he mad at the gay people and the transgender people and the everyone who is not Les Kinsolving people in a delightfully train wreck-y get off my lawn sort of fashion. Read more on Angry Old Man At WND Pretty Sure That NAMBLA Is Going To Take Over The National Cathedral…
  lawsplaining

The Supreme Court Was So Busy Yesterday They Forgot To Wreck The Lives Of Gay Kids

How was your day yesterday? Do you still have a stick of furniture left unbroken after the twin-barreled double fun dose of bullshit you got from the Supreme Court? Neither do we! So as you can imagine, we’re grasping at the slimmest of straws to find something that makes us feel less filled with rage at the universe and Samuel Alito. Probably because they were so busy screwing over women and unions, yesterday the Supremes didn’t quite get get around to screwing over gay kids, and declined to hear an appeal to a lower court case which had held that California could ban creepy creepy ex-gay therapy for minors, which basically means the law stands. Guess the religious right is going to have to make some time to pour one out for their gay-hating homies while still throwing back bottles of Cristal over their fucked-up win in the Hobby Lobby case. Read more on The Supreme Court Was So Busy Yesterday They Forgot To Wreck The Lives Of Gay Kids…
  the shocking truth

Rick Santorum: Colorado Forcibly Re-Educating Anti-Gay Cake Bakers With TPS Reports

Do you ever wonder if Rick Santorum worries that prettier, younger, even more homophobic sweet thangs are taking his place? Maybe each day he looks in the mirror, worries about the grey at his temples, puts on a new sweater vest, purses his lips, tells himself he’s still got it, and goes out to grapple with a new day, hoping that if he gets more and more outrageous, people will still look at him like they once did. That’s really the only explanation we can come up with for his whole “Colorado is FEMA-camping the anti-gay florists” thing he’s got going on this week. Read more on Rick Santorum: Colorado Forcibly Re-Educating Anti-Gay Cake Bakers With TPS Reports…
  b-b-b-benny and the derps

Ben Carson Civilly Disagrees With You About Your Filthy Sinning Gross Gay Marriage

Good Christ but 2016 seems relentlessly far away when we realize that we will have so much more of Bobby Jindal lurching to the right. No, righter. Keep going. We will have endless exegeses of the meaning of Hillary’s pantsuits. And worst of all we will have to continue to pretend that Ben Carson is both a serious contender and a serious individual instead of a laughable clown. Fresh off his amazing leap in illogic where he explained that government assistance is bad for everyone except Ben Carson’s mom, we now have Ben Carson’s Grand Compromise about the gays, which is basically STFU about your stupid gay marriage, gays, and in return you get more STFU. Read more on Ben Carson Civilly Disagrees With You About Your Filthy Sinning Gross Gay Marriage…
  the love that dare not speak its name

Ralph Reed: Gay-Bashing + Unskewed Polls = GOP (Bondage And) Dominance 4 Ever

Remember how there was a time when it seemed like we might be entirely free of Ralph Reed and his sanctimonious toothiness? But somehow he rose like a smug phoenix from the flames, and now we have to endure his assertions that hating on the gays is still totally good for Republican business. Question: how bad does someone like Ralph Reed have to fuck up before no one will listen to him? Hahaha trick question the answer is never. Ralph Reed will be with us, faux-pious, until the end of time, and he will never stop advising the GOP that opposing gay marriage is a sure-fire winner. Read more on Ralph Reed: Gay-Bashing + Unskewed Polls = GOP (Bondage And) Dominance 4 Ever…
  the unscientific method

Catholic League Pretty Sure They’ve Put Guinness Out of Business By Now

Remember on Saint Patrick’s Day when shitty beers like Heineken and tolerable beers like Sam Adams and Guinness all decided to boycott the parades in New York City (Heineken and Guinness) and Boston (Sam Adams) and lo, there was much Bill Donohue and Catholic League (which is really just Bill Donohue, right?) sadness, and they embarked upon a quixotic attempt to get people to boycott Guinness? Today, the Catholic League released their EXTREMELY scientific survey about their boycott, and it is pretty much the bestest boycott ever you guys. Read more on Catholic League Pretty Sure They’ve Put Guinness Out of Business By Now…
  justice is derped

Wisconsin Attorney General Thinks Maybe Clerks Issuing Gay Marriage Licenses Should Be Drawn And Quartered

You might recall that Wisconsin is only the latest in a long long list of states that are currently ramming hot thick gay marriage down your throats, thanks to goddamn activist judges. But the attorney general of Wisconsin is a very sore loser and does not like the taste of gay marriage, so he figured that maybe if he just kinda sorta threatens to prosecute the county clerks issuing marriage licenses, he can shut the whole thing down. Read more on Wisconsin Attorney General Thinks Maybe Clerks Issuing Gay Marriage Licenses Should Be Drawn And Quartered…
  oklahoma not OK

Here Is Your Fun New Oklahoma GOP Candidate Who Would Like To Murder The Gays With Rocks

Have you guys heard about our new favorite — and by “favorite” we mean WHAT THE HELL, DUDE — state legislature candidate? Meet Scott Esk, a Republican running for office in Oklahoma. Scott would be just your run-of-the-mill semi-ginger who is hella mad about his receding hairline except for this one little standout fact: he’s pretty cool with stoning the gays. As in literally stoning the gays. As in to death. How is Scott Esk even possible? Read more on Here Is Your Fun New Oklahoma GOP Candidate Who Would Like To Murder The Gays With Rocks…
  history repeating

Mormons Gonna Kick It Old School By Excommunicating People, Probably

Remember how back in 2012 or so the Mormons decided to be kinder gentler Mormons, and you had to endure one million of those billboards with a carefully curated racially diverse selection of Mormons? And they had to be racially diverse ads because of that whole thing where Mormons didn’t let black people be priests until thirty-five years ago. And all the teevee ads? SO MANY TEEVEE ADS. We were just beginning to feel all warm and fuzzy about Mormons, but then they had to go and remind us that they didn’t forget how to be dicks and are totally gonna get their excommunication on. Read more on Mormons Gonna Kick It Old School By Excommunicating People, Probably…
  they're magically homolicious

Lucky Charms Totally Gonna Make Everyone Gay All Over Again This Year

It’s Pride Month, which means that it is time for us to talk yet again about how General Mills cereals are super duper gay. In 2012, we had some real heroes protest General Mills’s headquarters because they did not wish for the gays to burn in hell. In 2013, WND had to cry conserva-tears over the fact that Lucky Charms did a gay-loving ad. We’re sure they’re ramping up to cry hot thick tears of sadness again, because it’s time for that leprechaun cereal to get all gay again. Read more on Lucky Charms Totally Gonna Make Everyone Gay All Over Again This Year…
  what what in the butt

Hero Hawaii Legislator Will Save Middle Schoolers From Terror Of Hearing The Word ‘Anus’

Hawaii, we were under the impression your legislative types were generally not, on the whole, anti-gay nutbars since they crammed gay marriage down the throats of the state last December. We should never forget, though, that there will always be that one squeaky and super-bigoted wheel, and that dude will bitch and moan until he gets his way. Enter Bob McDermott, a state representative who is really really afraid of the fact that some people like to take it up the ass, so much so that he needed to torpedo an entire sex ed curriculum over it. Read more on Hero Hawaii Legislator Will Save Middle Schoolers From Terror Of Hearing The Word ‘Anus’…