Wonkette

Last night the McCain folks were handing out press credentials with a ridiculous bereted Frenchman on them, we are not sure why, but that dude looks suspiciously like the mustachioed sophisticate who appeared in our own “The Foreigns” column, which ran back when there was still international news and our columnist was not a Jeopardy! celebrity.

Commenter “Underclassed” asks, “Are the McCain people Josh Fruhlinger fans? Or do they just know how to run a Google Image Search for ‘French Guy?’” The point is, both the McCain campaign and Wonkette find the same random photo of a Frenchman funny, the end. [Photo via Marc Ambinder]

Ha ha, have you ever heard anyone compare a Congressman or Senator to a sex worker? Because they will apparently do anything for money, you see! Oh, what a delightfully raunchy barb. But the Foreigns, as usual, do us one better. You see, in several Foreign countries, actual sex workers — including strippers and prostitutes — get themselves elected to political office! And, um, people who play strippers in movies, and speaking of movies, we have video, after the jump! MORE »

Did you know that Americans aren’t the only ones to have elections? That’s right, the Foreigns do as well! Also, did you know that while American elections drag on for months and years like some grisly cavalcade of damned souls, many Foreign election campaigns are literally required by law to last only a couple of months? I know, it makes those crazy foreign lands sound like a wonderful paradise, if you can get past the cholera and the hairy armpits on the ladies! This week, take a look at some upcoming elections that will be long forgotten while our ass clowns are still jabbering away on the TV. MORE »

Those crazy Kosovars! Their little declaration of independence has caused quite the shitstorm — not just among the great powers who are wrangling over whether to recognize them or not, but among the world’s other pissant quasi-countries, who are mad that they didn’t get to do it first. Palestinian presidential aide Yasser Abed Rabbo whinily declared that “Kosovo is not better than us. We deserve independence even before Kosovo!” — and it’s probably more true for his blighted semi-occupied wasteland than most. This week, The Foreigns will take you on a tour of the world’s saddest unrecognized not-countries. MORE »

Americans in the Greater Brackish Waters Of The Chesapeake/Potomac Region have joined many other states in throwing their collective panties at Barry Hussein! With Obamamentum gaining speed, the left needs to ask itself what it always asks itself when it comes time to make important decisions: “What do filthy foreigners think about this?” Fortunately, the aforementioned Foreigns are willing to talk about it, at great length, on the Internet! Also, is Barack Obama secretly Iranian, too? MORE »

As the title of this feature tries so valiantly to assert, we don’t think that the Foreigns are really that different than from us. Sure, they jabber in weird languages and wear funny clothes, but when it comes right down to it, we all have the same basic set of human needs: we all want to get high, to have sex while we’re supposed to be working, to fake the deaths of our political enemies, and, of course, to live forever by extracting the organs of the healthy and powerless.

SCOTLAND: City council jobs apparently nonstop fuckfest

Lovely Aberdeen! This third-largest city in Scotland, lying at roughly the same latitude as Juneau and noted (by Wikipedia) “for its biting winds and driving rain, which sweep in from the north,” is a secret lair of government-sponsored overtime orgies! Or so it was claimed at a recent trial in which a city council employee claimed he was fired for reporting the on-the-job doin’ it. Fun quotes from the BBC:

Witness Pat Fraser said she could hear then director of leisure, Brian Woodcock [No, really. --Eds], and a female employee having sex behind a partition screen. She said it was during a bank holiday weekend. Ms Fraser, who worked in Aberdeen City Council’s sports and leisure department, said she was in the council’s offices with Mr. McNeil [No-neck guy who's suing, pictured] in 2004 when they overheard the intercourse. She said: “I heard them having sex. I could hear them moaning and groaning and the screen was moving. There is no doubt in my mind who was behind that screen or what they were doing.”

And because it was a “bank holiday” (which is like the UK’s version of a “holiday that you get off for no good reason, like Presidents Day”), everyone was getting paid double overtime! So you can understand why this McNeil fellow was fired for complaining. This despite the fact that they did their best him feel welcome in this workplace culture of constant sexing:

Earlier in the hearing, Mr. McNeil told the tribunal that on another occasion he had caught the female employee engaged in a sex act with Mr Woodcock. He said: “I came in [his office] and when he turned round and saw me he offered me a cup of tea and a slice of cake.”

O ungrateful whistleblower! How sharper than a serpents tooth! Fie, man, fie!

GHANA: Presidential election to pit druggie against corpse

Ghana’s going to be holding presidential elections in December, but that’s totally months away, so candidate John Evans Atta Mills of the NDC party is spending some “me time” in South Africa. (Hey Americans! Would you like some or all of your presidential candidates to currently be in a country several thousand miles away from here?) What with him being out of the country, naturally some rumors began to spread, thanks to rumor-mongering Websites (yay, technology!), that Atta Mills was actually dead. His phone calls to Ghanian radio stations have so far failed to quell the belief that he died of throat cancer, leaving his already troubled presidential prospects in doubt.

Meanwhile, the NDC has struck back with some unfounded rumors of their own! They’re saying that Atta Mills’ opponent, the NPP party’s Nana Akufo-Addo, has a big lead in the polls only because he’s using performance enhancing drugs. No word yet on what drugs exactly would aid in running for president (feel free to speculate wildly in the comments) but we feel that this is big talk coming from a party that’s trying to run a dead guy for president.

INDIA: New day of organ-selling freedom at hand?

So an organ-sales ring in India was broken up, in which over 500 desperately poor people either sold or were forced at gunpoint to donate various body parts for the illicit enjoyment of rich people in the U.S. and Japan, which, we’d like to emphasize, isn’t funny at all, even though the guy who’s running it, Amit Kumar, has been nicknamed “Dr. Horror.” But we did want to point out this bit from a news story on the subject:

Indian laws stipulate living donors can only provide a kidney to a blood relative or spouse. A donor could also be granted special approval to provide a kidney based on so-called altruistic reasons. Corrupt local authorities, however, often bend the rules for personal gain … Some argue the laws are too strict and have forced organ traders to go underground.

Ah ha, there’s the blame! When organ sales are outlawed, only outlaws well sell organs! Don’t force the Indian poor to go to back-alley organ purchasers! I’m sure a certain libertarian doctor/presidential candidate will have something to say about this. Human kidneys could serve as the basis for a currency if not enough gold is available!

BULGARIA: Government finds government innocent in drug trafficking case

The Bulgarian government’s attempts to foster Bulgarian industry are being questioned by the killjoy opposition party! See, the scenic Balkan country wants in on Eastern Europe’s #1 growth industry: synthetic drugs! (We’re not sure what constitutes “synthetic” — are they not into all-natural coke and weed down there?) And, seeing as you need to accept immigrants to do the jobs that Bulgarians won’t do, they got Serbian national Budimir Kujovic to start up his own little industry with hopes that soon when people think of getting high, they think “Bulgaria!”

Unfortunately, someone didn’t get the memo, and Kujovic got arrested. At that point it came out that he had gotten a hold of a legit Bulgarian passport despite the fact that he had been banned from the country for ten years in 2005. Awkward! But now the state prosecutor has announced that, whoever gave him that passport, it surely wasn’t the government’s fault. Everything’s fine! And kids, if you’re going to do drugs, be sure to do Bulgarian drugs.

If Americans know one thing about the Foreigns (and sometimes that’s a near thing), it’s that they live in Foreign countries, which, obviously, are hellholes of awfulness and despair. Guess if they didn’t want to be crapped on day and night by a malevolent universe, they should have lived in America! This week, the Foreigns introduces you to some happenings overseas that we can safely laugh at only because they only happen to Foreign types, but otherwise they’d be pretty depressing. MORE »

Americans! You’re no doubt mourning the end of Fred Thompson’s “lazy like a lazy, lazy fox” strategy, which was supposed to provide our hottest First Lady since Frances Cleveland! We’re going to have to console ourselves with the sexy (male) spouses of those weird, unpronounceable people the Foreigns chose to lead their Foreign nations. MORE »

Wonkette’s own Nicolas Sarkozy corespondent has kept you all up to date on l’affaire Bruni, which may result in France having a supermodel/rock star/groupie first lady. Obviously this brings up an important policy-related question, keeping in mind Kissinger’s dictum on power being the ultimate aphrodisiac: Who is the hottest presidential spouse? This week, we start with the top four first ladies. But don’t call us sexist, just shallow! Next week we move on to the first gentlemen, assessing the field before before Bill Clinton’s sad eyes and bad-boy charm blow everyone else out of the water. MORE »

The votes are in! No, not in your silly American primary election; I’m talking about The Foreigns, who got one look at last week Malaysian sex tape scandal and voted with their cameras, genitals, and fists. “Yes!” they said, in their Foreign languages. “I too want to do titillating things on camera that will end my political career forever!” After the jump: The Foreigns do it live on TV and/or film, for your entertainment. MORE »

Admit it, Wonketteers: you’ve been disappointed by the quality of U.S. sex scandals in recent weeks. Dickcember was a little flaccid, with even the whole Axis of Fun scandal only netting a skeevy Senatorial staffer who was quickly fired, so: BORING. Could it be that the cold weather is forcing our leaders to keep it in their well-insulated pants? Politicians from the tropics and the Southern Hemisphere seem to have no such restrictions on their naughtiness! This week, The Foreigns offers a smörgåsbord of political scandal, from the pederastic to the cinematic. MORE »

Greetings, fellow Americans! Here in America, we have finally reached the point where candidates begin running for president even before the fucking mid-term elections, so we basically have political campaigns going on all the time. The one saving grace, of course, is that the public face of these campaigns is run by America’s graphic designers, video editors, and advertising copywriters, whose skills are unparalleled. America may not grow or make and assemble or process or understand anything anymore, but if you want shit — or shitty people — sold to you, the US of A has still got it. But what of The Foreigns? When they run for president or chancellor or king or whatever, who designs their posters? The answer, sadly, is: more Foreigns! They’re often not as good, though as you’ll see after the jump, there are certain flashes of brilliance. MORE »

Hello everyone, and welcome to this week’s edition of The Foreigns: They’re Just Like Us! Our goal as always is to prove that we Americans and those foreign Foreigns have nothing to fear from one another, and that under our variously colored skins, we’re really more alike than different. For instance, did you know that, like you, the Foreigns can’t get enough of the infectious 2002 smash hit single “In da club?” Also like you, they have ludicrously misguided ideas about AIDS, are racists, and are high as fucking kites. Join us for a guided tour of depravity, after the jump! MORE »

If you’re an American and you read this site, you are almost certainly embarrassed by this nation’s government. Was it for this, you wonder, that our forefathers pledged their sacred honor to fight the tyrant British, or rose up to free themselves from bondage and discrimination, or travelled across the ocean with nothing but the clothes on their backs: so that we could live under a government where venality and corruption are the order of the day, where criminals make war for profit and a surprising number of powerful individuals use their influence to procure the favor of teenage boys? Wouldn’t we better off living somewhere, anywhere, but America? Don’t foreigners have it better than we do? MORE »