Tag: the five

This is Hillary's 'Are you shitting me?' face. We saw it a lot.

Wingnuts So Sad Hillz Didn’t Admit She Ordered The Code Red In Benghazi

Following Hillary Clinton's epic ass-kicking performance during the Benghazi hearings, we received an assignment that we knew was going to hurt, but was necessary: watch Fox News to get a feel for how the hearings played in the Conservasphere,...

Dana Perino So Sad George Bush Blamed For 9/11 Attack That Never Even Happened

Dana Perino, current Fox Blonde and former spokestwit for President Dubya, is none too happy that people are saying means about her boyfriend George. On Fox New's "The Five," she and four other Fox Morons discussed how unfair it is that...
This is what Greg Gutfeld looks like when he thinks he just made a point.

Fox News Jackass Greg Gutfeld Will Keep Fetuses In Wastebaskets Where They Belong

Yr Wonkette, as you know, is a pro-life mommyblog. HEAR US OUT. We're pro-life in the REAL, grown-up way, the one where abortion is legal, and women should have a right to do with their living bodies as they...

Fox Genius Dana Perino Real Upset People Hate Torture More Than They Love Babies

Oh look, here is former George W. Bush spokesditz and current Fox Blonde Dana Perino, doing a dumb on the teevee again. Yes, again. What crawled up her butt and died this time? Did her husband get arrested some more? No,...
Also a schmuck

Rick Santorum Begs Jews To Hate His Guts Too

Look, kids, it's repugnant fuck-eyed canker blossom Rick Santorum, trying to steal some attention from Mike Huckabee, who is trying to steal some attention from Donald Trump. And also to submit his name for Schmuck of The Year 5775,...
S-M-R-T.

How Many Fox News Anchors Does It Take To Give Donald Trump A Rimjob?

The answer is A LOT. Which makes sense, because Donald Trump's butthole isn't weak like the other candidates' buttholes, and it's definitely not a captured POW loser like John McCain's butthole. Trump had a big weekend, and he probably put...
Kinda!

Killer Mike Doesn’t Hit His Wife, And Other Reasons Hip-Hop Is More Moral Than Bill O’Reilly

It's a common trope, if you are a right-wing bigot: Racism doesn't hurt black people, hippity-hop rap music hurts black people, what with its jiving and twerking and PULL THOSE PANTS UP, and BACK IN MY DAY! In recent...
Answers is tough and is not my favorite.

Marco Rubio Gets His Chance To Flub Iraq Question, Nails It

Marco Rubio is very confused by Chris Wallace's Iraq questions, which are the same questions Jeb Bush continually fucked up last week, so, as a Serious Heavyweight Presidential Contender, he should have been prepared. However, whereas Jeb Bush's face...
All terrorists are leftwing. That's just a given!

Fox News Can’t Remember Any Rightwing Terror Attacks. We’re Here To Help

Fox News's The Five had a little memory problem Monday, accusing the Department of Homeland Security of completely imagining that rightwing extremists pose any threat to U.S. Americans, because as we all know, the only real terrorists are the...
You're looking at a guy who knows cool

Fox News Thinker Greg Gutfeld: Stephen Colbert Would Be Nothing Without Us (And Our F**kups)

Following Stephen Colbert's big finale on the Colbert Report, the thought leaderers of Fox's The Five shared their thoughts on Colbert's sendoff. Dana Perino and Kimberly Guilfoyle thought it would have been a nice touch if Bill O'Reilly had...
If it keeps the terrorists from winning, it's still civic-minded.

Fox News: Young Women Should Go Find Sexxytimes Online And Leave Democracy To Grownups

Fox News hostroid Kimberly Guilfoyle said Tuesday that America would be a far better place if young women would just please stay home and go do their Twittergrams and Tindermatches instead of cluttering up our elections with all their...
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Ladies Flying Planes And Other Tales Of Terror

Yesterday on Fox’s The Five, Kimberly Guilfoyle gave a shout-out to Major Mariam Al Mansouri, the first female fighter pilot in the United Arab Emirates. Mansouri led her country’s contingent of military pilots that participated in bombing ISIS in...

Fox News Demands Putin Replace Pansy Dictator Obama, But Just For A Sexy Hot Minute

Good Lord, the adult diaper budget for the on-air personalities at Fox News must dwarf the GDP of your average mid-sized nation. Maybe Fox is even a front group for Depends the way the NRA is a front for...

Fox News Has Exciting New Vanity Fair/Hillary Clinton/Monica Lewinsky Conspiracy Theory!

It was a sad day across the Fox News Channel yesterday as the re-emergence of Monica Lewinsky and her coming essay about her long-ago affair with Bill Clinton knocked the BENGHAAAZI!!!11!! “scandal” out of the headlines, forcing the leprous...

Fox’s Eric Bolling Has Innovative Idea: Save Money By Encouraging Prison Suicides

We weren't planning to do anything on Ariel Castro's suicide, because really, "horrible person kills self" is just not brimming with comedic possibilities. And then along comes Eric Bolling on Fox's The Five with this brilliant observation: hey,...

Fox Wingnuts Still Terrified of Scary ‘Very Dangerous’ Muslim in Congress Who Probably Hates America Because Muslim

Well, here is something totally unexpected: the moron quintet at Fox, The Five, is pretty sure thar be terrorists, or at least terrorist sympathizers, in Congress. And no, they're not talking about Rep. Peter King, who is a bona...