Tag Archives: the end

  debt ceiling jackoffery

Boehner Proudly Passes His Dumb Bill, Senate Immediately Suffocates It

What’s happening in the exciting/awful dullsville of dismantling America? Well, jaundiced boozebag John Boehner did just what his bosses told him — he even coordinated the extremist-corporate bill’s passage with the publication of some jackass propaganda posted under his byline at the National Review Online. But it didn’t matter, because the Senate immediately tabled the House bill on a 59-41 vote. And now … eh, who knows? Mud wrestling? In any case, America is doomed. Read more on Boehner Proudly Passes His Dumb Bill, Senate Immediately Suffocates It…
  america's oldest pundits

Longtime U.S. Policy Expert Fidel Castro Says U.S. About To Attack Iran

Now in his sixth decade as the world’s preeminent expert on U.S. foreign policy, retired Cuban president Fidel Castro writes in his newspaper column (in Cuba) that the Obama Administration is about to attack … Iran. One more war against one more Muslim country can’t make things worse, right? Right? Oh, Iran maybe has nuclear weapons of some sort? Well, whatever, so does Pakistan, and we don’t have any problem blasting apart suburban houses there, because of terrorism. Read more on Longtime U.S. Policy Expert Fidel Castro Says U.S. About To Attack Iran…
  our flourishing economy

Nearly a Third of American Mortgages ‘Underwater’

The economic recovery continues to be a complete fiction, like the Harry Potter books but without all the fun sex magick. Unemployment is officially back to 9%, with real unemployment at 22%. Energy and food costs keep rising as jobless benefits run out and wages are stagnant for the lucky ducks who still earn a paycheck. And there’s a record number of people owing more on their houses than the houses are worth: “28.4 percent of single-family homeowners, representing a peak since Zillow began calculating the data in 2009.” Throw in all the other awful economic news from America and abroad, and you might wonder if this whole system of corrupt corporate welfare/warfare thing has, you know, collapsed forever. Read more on Nearly a Third of American Mortgages ‘Underwater’…
  it's morning in america

Japan Says It’s Okay For Children To Be Exposed To Lots Of Radiation

Good morning, miserable jingoes! Here is your dumb news: The Japanese government has made a few small changes to “nuclear safety standards in schools.” Japanese schoolchildren can now be exposed to twenty times more radiation than was previously allowed! Parents are “furious” for some reason, and have “delivered a bag of radioactive playground earth to education officials in protest.” (Radioactive Playground Earth. That will be the name of our next ska band.) Anyway! Japanese children can now be exposed to twenty millisieverts a year, which is “equivalent to the annual maximum dose for German nuclear workers,” according to this news article. (Oh, crap.) The EPA has already decided that Americans can eat radioactive fruits and vegetables, so we’re not far behind. [The Guardian] Read more on Japan Says It’s Okay For Children To Be Exposed To Lots Of Radiation… Read more on Japan Says It’s Okay For Children To Be Exposed To Lots Of Radiation…
  coney island baby

Death Panel Roller Coaster

Here’s something, to kill you with, after the Retirement Age is changed to “when you cannot stand up anymore, and your hands are gnarled wads of bone and skin flaps,” and Paul Ryan needs some way to lure you to the Death Panel: Free roller coaster! And it ends in death. Read more on Death Panel Roller Coaster…
  it's morning in america

The Gulf Coast: Come For the Dead Baby Dolphins, Stay and Get Sick

Almost a year after the worst oil spill in Recorded History, the picturesque Gulf Coast is once again teeming with life: From Mexico to Florida, small children are building sand condos, birds are squawking “thanks for cleaning all that oil off me, you guys rule,” and delicious popcorn shrimps are jumping out of the clean blue water, in hopes that someone will eat them. Ha-ha, actually: All the foolish children who like playing on the beach have been poisoned by toxic BP dispersants, all the birds are dead (probably), and DON’T EAT THAT POPCORN SHRIMP! Scientific data suggests that the Gulf Coast is being molested by downpours of toxic rain — and did we mention all the dead baby dolphins, and how there is a gag order preventing scientists from discussing why all these baby dolphins are washing up on the shores, dead as can be? (Uh, BP just announced that it will not compensate a whole bunch of poisoned, oil-ravaged communities. Instead, BP’s claims processing CEO will raise money for Bobby Jindal.) [WHNT/HuffPo/Al Jazeera] Read more on The Gulf Coast: Come For the Dead Baby Dolphins, Stay and Get Sick… Read more on The Gulf Coast: Come For the Dead Baby Dolphins, Stay and Get Sick…
  but muslims hate ham radio

IRA Terrorist Peter King Now Wants To Take America’s Amateur Radio Band

We thought he was plenty busy hating on Muslims — and why can’t the Muslims just shut their halal-holes and enjoy America’s endless bloody pointless murderous wars against Muslim countries, anyway? — but Rep. Peter King is also trying to shut down America’s ham radio frequencies. Read more on IRA Terrorist Peter King Now Wants To Take America’s Amateur Radio Band…
  that ain't santa

U.S. Government Will Announce Space Monster Invasion Tomorrow

What did NASA send your Wonkette for some reason? Secret plans for the new Chevrolet space shuttle? A wacky “mash up” video of NASA accidents? No! It’s even better/worse than all that: “NASA will hold a news conference at 2 p.m. EST on Thursday, Dec. 2, to discuss an astrobiology finding that will impact the search for evidence of extraterrestrial life.” So it’s going to be a very merry xmas after all, because the Space Monsters are here, and we will all come together as a single human community to decide who gets fed to the Space Monsters first. Read more on U.S. Government Will Announce Space Monster Invasion Tomorrow…
  it's morning in america

Happy Nine Years of Fighting for Nothing In Afghanistan!

Happy “Whoops, We Invaded Afghanistan” Day! (Of course, back then it was called “Operation Enduring Hooray We ‘Liberated’ Afghanistan from the Towelheads.”) Nine years ago today, America sat on its XXL fundillo and “channel surfed” for cool night-vision footage of Kabul exploding and CNN cellphone camera videos of Army Rangers killing (“liberating”) things. Everyone loved this “good war” so much, because Afghanistan was harboring a terrorist and what’s up with that. What are you supposed to get America for its almost-tenth wedding anniversary? Tin? So you should probably FedEx Karzai a tinfoil hat, so he’ll have something nice to wear/deflect alien death rays with when he surrenders to the Taliban, tomorrow. [Truthout] Read more on Happy Nine Years of Fighting for Nothing In Afghanistan!… Read more on Happy Nine Years of Fighting for Nothing In Afghanistan!…
  it's morning in america

‘Pledge To America’ Will Restore Our Glorious Post-9/11 Society Of Fear

Today House Republicans will unveil their new dumb list of terrible threats, a “Pledge to America.” What are these terrorists asking for, and how many bald eagles will they execute if their demands are unmet? Oh, they want to permanently extend Bush’s tax cuts for bazillionaires, cancel Stimulus spending, repeal Obamacare, and keep Gitmo open forever (you think Supermax can hold Obamacare? Are you really that naive?). Yeah, this is basically the End. [ABC News] Read more on ‘Pledge To America’ Will Restore Our Glorious Post-9/11 Society Of Fear… Read more on ‘Pledge To America’ Will Restore Our Glorious Post-9/11 Society Of Fear…
  nation of weeping

Dumb New GOP Website Actually a Heartbreaking Document of America’s Devastation

Lots of Wonkette readers sent us this embarrassing new GOP “America Speaking Out” website, because obviously we — as Americans who speak — should go flood this dumb thing with TruckNutz and whatever. Okay, that is a funny thing to do, on the Internet, but oh dear Jesus in Space why did you have to make Americans so ruined and sad? How can we find cheap ‘n easy comedy bits to post here when they’re surrounded by so much awful depressing dull horror, and even polite requests for human decency? For every “All Members of Congress and Senate must be routinely and randomly drug tested,” there are three posts from the jobless and the maimed veterans and the confused old people, all just begging for some help. Read more on Dumb New GOP Website Actually a Heartbreaking Document of America’s Devastation…
  end of days

Some Old Gal In Buffalo Puts the Moves On Obama

Barack Obama continued his “give speeches from the ruins of once-great industrial cities” tour today, visiting the stereotypical ruined rust-belt pit of Buffalo. He told the assembled crowd of unemployed people (the entire population of western and upstate New York) that something or other would be “the future,” and he purchased the local food item from the local eatery which sells the gross local food item — “Buffalo wings,” in this case. Greasy throwaway bone-parts of a chicken corpse, slathered with a corn-grease margarine and garnished with mysterious stalks of a cold vegetable that can only be sampled after being used as the “spoon” in a giant bowl of “blue cheese salad dressing.” And then some lady put the sexytime moves on Barack Obama because he’s so damn fine. Read more on Some Old Gal In Buffalo Puts the Moves On Obama…
  wrist slittin' time

America Will Never Recover From This Recession, The End

There’s a cheery new article in the Atlantic about how this country will never ever recover and nobody will ever have jobs again — especially the youth and the “working class,” both of whom have actually been not having jobs while living pathetic wrecked lives for a decade or so before the Great Recession. Read more on America Will Never Recover From This Recession, The End…
  annus horribilis x 10

Hope You Did Not Get Blown Up For New Year’s, Everybody!

It’s still early while your editor is typing these words, but thanks to the possible magic of “a scheduled warblog post,” this should reach those of you near a computer about an hour before Midnight, 2010 …. unless, of course, there was a terrible Y2K10 Terror Attack On Earth. So, happy new year, and thanks for being our pals! GOD HAVE MERCY ON OUR SOULZ. (Close-up of “Baby On Board” sign; industrial version of Auld Lang Syne comes up on the left channel. Fade out.) Read more on Hope You Did Not Get Blown Up For New Year’s, Everybody!…
  decade of shame

The Decade In Videos: From Gore To Whatever

Want to jump out the (first floor) window all over again? Because we’re on a strict One Video Per Year regimen, let’s just skip right past Y2K and the whole dismal Summer 2000 presidential campaign and the USS Cole bombing and the Concorde crash outside of Paris and, uhm, Elian Gonzales, because we must Economize, for history. We kind of vaguely remember watching this pathetic performance from Gore and thinking, “Well, at least he’s not HUMAN, so he won’t cry or whatever,” and then also thinking, “Oh good lord this is going to be awful, George W. Bush is the Cow Demon.” Read more on The Decade In Videos: From Gore To Whatever…
  uhhhh

Terrifying Homeless Camp Filled With Palin Drones

Laugh all you want, but once the remaining people skinny enough to get on an airplane finally escape the doomed land of America, these slobs will actually have the whole place to themselves. Sarah Palin will be their “Mrs. Everyday President” or something and she’ll promise them dinner at Red Lobster once a year, but the rest of the time they have to stay in their tents, in the endless acid rain, for Jesus. [Plunderbund] Read more on Terrifying Homeless Camp Filled With Palin Drones…
  sarah palin excuse generator

So Why Did This Crazy Palin Lady Quit the Alaska Governor Job She Just Started Two Years Ago?

First of all, Sarah Palin, go to HELL for ruining your editor’s day of patriotic rest and BBQ. Second, why did you really quit, crazy lady? We admit to “jumping to conclusions” (trying to hurry up and get back outside to our cocktails and friends), but the story may be more complicated than “Sarah Palin is a sociopath who will just quit being governor of Alaska THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS before the next presidential election, just to show her, uhm, Leadership Credentials, which means constantly yelling at David Letterman about a joke she couldn’t comprehend.” But there are so many more crazy theories about America’s craziest Alaskan Anger Bear, the snowbilly grifter and strip-mall Ice Queen of Wasilla. Let’s examine them, together! Read more on So Why Did This Crazy Palin Lady Quit the Alaska Governor Job She Just Started Two Years Ago?…
  our hobo economy

Washington Ladies Sell Gold Jewelry, Teeth

The rich ladies of D.C. (and Northern Virginia) used to have fancy wine parties where they would buy fancy kitchen crap or $500 dildos or whatever, but now there is no money, for anything. This is why the fancy white women are now having “gold parties,” at which they sell whatever golden trinkets they can find in their monstrous foreclosed McMansions. “Suzy Senkus brought a bracelet given to her once upon a time by a handsome doctor, who then cheated on her with a nurse.” What a trashy nation. [Washington Post] Read more on Washington Ladies Sell Gold Jewelry, Teeth…
  our flourishing economy

But the Fundamentals Are Strong!

John McCain said, today, that the “fundamentals of our economy are strong.” He doesn’t even know what this is supposed to mean, of course, because all he knows about the economy is that the Navy gives you money and benefits and the Senate gives you money and benefits and Social Security gives you money and benefits and your Beer Heiress wife buys your seven castles and private jet. But what did the markets have to say? Uh, how about a 504-point drop in the Dow and a 4.7% plunge in the S&P? Read more on But the Fundamentals Are Strong!…
  kill your teevee

Wonkette TeeVee Episode #1 Live From St. Paul!

Oh well, what the hell, here you go, interviews with Alaskan reporter Bill Scannell, Reason editor Matt Welch, BlogAds boss Henry Copeland, and your Wonkette editors. It is all dark, as is life, the end. Read more on Wonkette TeeVee Episode #1 Live From St. Paul!…