Laugh all you want, but once the remaining people skinny enough to get on an airplane finally escape the doomed land of America, these slobs will actually have the whole place to themselves. Sarah Palin will be their “Mrs. Everyday President” or something and she’ll promise them dinner at Red Lobster once a year, but the rest of the time they have to stay in their tents, in the endless acid rain, for Jesus. [Plunderbund]

Hmm, it seems like Lindsey Graham is pretty gay for Sonia Sotomayor, but he just doesn’t know how to say it! So strange, this questioning of Bush’s own failed Affirmative Action hire, Linda Chavez. She tries to run with the standard argument that okay, maybe SOMETIMES the Republicans may look at race as a factor in appointments, like with Alberto Gonzales or… Linda Chavez… but IT IS THE DEMOCRATS WHO PICK SOLELY ON RACE while ignoring such glaring red flags as stupidity and casual Nazism. But then Lindsey lays it all out and just says, okay, shut up time for Linda Chavez, we are all affirmative action whores with these appointments, enough with this. Thanks a lot, “Grahamnesty.” [YouTube, Washington Independent]

First of all, Sarah Palin, go to HELL for ruining your editor’s day of patriotic rest and BBQ. Second, why did you really quit, crazy lady? We admit to “jumping to conclusions” (trying to hurry up and get back outside to our cocktails and friends), but the story may be more complicated than “Sarah Palin is a sociopath who will just quit being governor of Alaska THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS before the next presidential election, just to show her, uhm, Leadership Credentials, which means constantly yelling at David Letterman about a joke she couldn’t comprehend.” But there are so many more crazy theories about America’s craziest Alaskan Anger Bear, the snowbilly grifter and strip-mall Ice Queen of Wasilla. Let’s examine them, together! MORE »

Not that we’re going to start believing everything Fox News reports/decides, but you know that Ashley Todd cut-nut ghost-negro racist fantasy that thrilled America for a single night? According to the executive editor of Fox News, America’s White/Poor Family News Channel, “Senator McCain’s quest for the presidency is over, forever linked to race-baiting.” MORE »

• JESUS FUCKING CHRIST: Dow drops 300 … 400 … 450 … 500. Closes down 5.1%, 508 points, under 9,450. S&P drops under 1,000 to 996, lowest since 2003. Five straight days of this shit. How much longer? Two years? Ten years? [Marketwatch]

The rich ladies of D.C. (and Northern Virginia) used to have fancy wine parties where they would buy fancy kitchen crap or $500 dildos or whatever, but now there is no money, for anything. This is why the fancy white women are now having “gold parties,” at which they sell whatever golden trinkets they can find in their monstrous foreclosed McMansions. “Suzy Senkus brought a bracelet given to her once upon a time by a handsome doctor, who then cheated on her with a nurse.” What a trashy nation. [Washington Post]

John McCain said, today, that the “fundamentals of our economy are strong.” He doesn’t even know what this is supposed to mean, of course, because all he knows about the economy is that the Navy gives you money and benefits and the Senate gives you money and benefits and Social Security gives you money and benefits and your Beer Heiress wife buys your seven castles and private jet. But what did the markets have to say? Uh, how about a 504-point drop in the Dow and a 4.7% plunge in the S&P? MORE »

Oh well, what the hell, here you go, interviews with Alaskan reporter Bill Scannell, Reason editor Matt Welch, BlogAds boss Henry Copeland, and your Wonkette editors. It is all dark, as is life, the end.

• BOB NOVAK RETIRES: Because of the cancer. He’s been writing his column since 1963, the year Lyndon Johnson became president. [Chicago Sun-Times]

Thanks to commenter “floraway” for ruining all of our fun and linking to an article about Ron Paul’s big announcement tonight, which will be that he is ending his presidential campaign for the 80th time in order to launch a new campaign, for Liberty. As far as we can tell, that Olde English shit is the official logo for Dr. Congressman Paul’s latest gig, which, as per usual, will be a scam to take your Gas Money. You can read his (premature) concession letter at the Campaign for Liberty’s website. It is notable for overtly publicizing his glorious new book, Ron Paul’s Manifesto Pool Party. Anyway, let’s see how our old pals at Ron Paul Forums are taking the news. Is this just another Main Stream Media conspiracy? MORE »

Welcome to Wonkette’s Hillary Clinton Graduation Pool Party! We have many “hot dogs” for you to eat, and Miller High Life for the adults. But oh, where is the graduate herself, Hillary Clinton? According to the teevee, she is “at least 10 minutes late.” And she’s supposed to deliver the commencement address, just like she did at Wellesley in 1969, a speech bursting with such Boomer idealism and brilliance that it made her national headlines. And then she married Bill Clinton, a shit. Let’s liveblog Hillary’s second commencement address, in which she will endorse Barack Obama, and start her Second Life. MORE »