Tag Archives: the devil

  Bring your bullets and your Bible

Alabama Church Will Give You Shootin’ Lessons If You Give Your Heart To Jesus

Pastor Triggerfinger
Are you a little old lady who lives round about Chilton County, Alabama, who got a gun for your 90th birthday, because your crazy grandkids never can figure out what to buy for Mee-Maw? Last Christmas it was one-a-them newfangly “mePhones” or whatever they’re called, and now a murder weapon for hunting squirrels? Oh well, better learn how to use it. And wouldn’t you know it, there’s a church for that! It’s called the Rocky Mount United Methodist Church in Jemison, Alabama, and it has a gun range “ministry” in a ditch behind the church, because the serenity of a gun range is a good place to get intimate with Our Lord: Read more on Alabama Church Will Give You Shootin’ Lessons If You Give Your Heart To Jesus…
  All the tears

South Carolina Senator Cries Hilarious Man-Sobs For Confederate Flag Bested By Gayness

It was thiiiiis big!
The South Carolina Senate voted Tuesday to remove the Confederate Flag from the state Capitol grounds, sending the bill to the state House, and hopefully, eventually, to Gov. Nikki Haley’s desk. This is very bothersome for state Sen. Lee Bright (R-No Shit), who just doesn’t see why we’re spending all this time talking about the Confederate Flag, not when the FLAG OF GAY HOMOSEXUAL ABOMINATION is currently flying over the ENTIRETY OF AMERICA. Bright, who is Ted Cruz’s campaign co-chair for South Carolina (obviously), melted all the way down into a pile of shouty Southern fire and brimstone wingnut tears as he explained on the state Senate floor just how much God hates America now: Read more on South Carolina Senator Cries Hilarious Man-Sobs For Confederate Flag Bested By Gayness…
  supreme wisdom

Antonin Scalia Tells Grads: Always Be Yourself, Unless You Are Hitler

TOO S-M-R-T FOR YOU.
Oh, Justice Scalia, what would the Supreme Court do without you? It’s such a comfort to know that a brilliant, HILARIOUS legal mind like yours is adjudicating America’s Most Important Questions. Scalia spoke at his grandbaby’s high school graduation and thought the kids might enjoy a fun joke, about Hitler: Read more on Antonin Scalia Tells Grads: Always Be Yourself, Unless You Are Hitler…
  beware those muslims being muslims in public!

Homeless Crazy Jesus Lady Knows Who’s Being Invaded By Muslims (It Is Oklahoma)

Guys, do you remember Christine Weick? Of course you remember Christine Weick. Christine Weick is the nice and not at all bugshit crazy American Patriot who drives around in her SUV from town to town — she is NOT HOMELESS, SHUT UP, SHE HAS A BANK ACCOUNT AND EVERYTHING — rambling on about Muslims and homosexuals and how Monster Energy Drinks are of the devil. And here’s the good news: She’s coming to save you, Oklahoma, from the scourge of the Islamics doing prayers to their false god and stuff. Read more on Homeless Crazy Jesus Lady Knows Who’s Being Invaded By Muslims (It Is Oklahoma)…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?

Back away, little pony. These are not nice people.
Time for another roundup of the dumbest of the worst of the unfathomably stupid! We scrape the mishegas off our browser tabs, puree it into a frothy mess, and serve it up to you with a warning to not overdo it on the brain bleach. Proceed with caution and gin. Read more on Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?…
  Today In Jesus Tech

New Smartphone App Gets Satan Behind Thee, For Free!

Jesus Saves... And makes regular backups
If you find fighting off the Devil too difficult, or if you’ve just plain given in and joined His Satanic Majesty, which is pretty likely, since you’re reading Wonkette, then televangelist Kyle Winkler (no relation to the Fonz, we’re pretty sure, and almost definitely not the minor-league pitcher of the same name), wants you to know that it’s not too late to fight back against the Devil. It also just so happens that Winkler has a book coming out in September, called Silence Satan, which is a pretty good reason to release a smartphone app called “Shut Up, Devil!” It sounds pretty darn powerful! Read more on New Smartphone App Gets Satan Behind Thee, For Free!…
  art for art's sake

BREAKING! Nice Christian Lady Gets Satanic Drawing In Starbucks Foam, Remains Calm, Does Not Freak Out!

What is the world even coming to when a nice Catholic Louisiana lady gets a pentagram and a 666 drawn in her Starbucks foam — and complains gently, mildly, kindly even, without even a threat to sue, boycott, or boycottsue! She doesn’t even claim to be persecuted on account of her faith! Shaking my damn head. READ MORE Read more on BREAKING! Nice Christian Lady Gets Satanic Drawing In Starbucks Foam, Remains Calm, Does Not Freak Out!…
  he rests his case!

Herman Cain Has Found The Real Groper, And It Is ‘The Devil’

Herman Cain has spent the past two years trying to clear his name of wrongful accusations that he groped that lady, and the other lady, and that third chick, and we think two other ones as well it is hard to keep straight! That is, he has been working to clear his name for the past two years except for the part where he has done anything to try to clear his name. This is because when one is accused of sexxxxytime shenanigans and quid pro ew behaviors, it is important to stand and fight them in a timely manner, unless you don’t really have anything to back you up. But Herman Cain does! He has “evidence”! And that “evidence” leads him to state unequivocally that he has found the real groper, and that groper is The Devil, squeezing and frottaging all up in those women’s brains until they all levitated from their beds and fingered Goody Cain (gross) for a witch! A sexxxxy witch! Let’s sexplore! Read more on Herman Cain Has Found The Real Groper, And It Is ‘The Devil’…
  Sympathy for the Devil

Scalia Strews Seeds Of Sanity Among Mountains Of Madness In New York Magazine Interview

By now you are probably aware that Antonin Scalia, the Supreme Court Justice most likely to haunt your dreams, got asked some really solid questions by New York Magazine lady Jennifer Senior, and some of his answers turned out to be rather wacky. He doesn’t know for sure if he knows any gay people! He literally believes the Devil walks among us! He doesn’t even watch Duck Dynasty all that much! Oh and also, he gets all his news from right-wing fishwrappers and talk radio. Have you ever suspected that you are better informed than Antonin Scalia? CONFIRMED!  But here’s the thing — he said some fairly sane, reasonable stuff too. Actually, shouldn’t that be the headline here? ‘Old, Bellicose Man Has Brief Moments of Lucidity’? See for yourself! Read more on Scalia Strews Seeds Of Sanity Among Mountains Of Madness In New York Magazine Interview…
  nevar forget

Ken Layne Interviews The Devil About 9/11, Stuff

Hmmm, well, here is a thing. It is Ken Layne, your deposed dictator, interviewing the Devil in the back of a San Francisco taxi, about 9/11 and religious wars and global warming … and you guys, you might not even have to reach for the cyanide pills. Read more on Ken Layne Interviews The Devil About 9/11, Stuff…
  hail satan

Why Does Time Magazine Think New Pope Is The Devil?

Buzzfeed posits that Time Magazine gave New Pope devil horns. This is somewhat undercut by Buzzfeed including its own gallery of former Time covers of Jew- Devil-horned people. But it is somewhat un-undercut by the fact that those people are Putin, Thatcher and Bill Gates! So … Read more on Why Does Time Magazine Think New Pope Is The Devil?…
  all hail satan

Totally Great ‘The Bible’ Mini-Series Explains That Barack Obama Is The Debbil

Hey Hitler Channel watchers, did you tune into “The Bible” last night? No? We did not either, because Joel Osteen and Rick Warren and the Assemblies of God and the National Association of Evangelicals are not really our go-to guys on Jesus and stuff. (And also because we didn’t know it was on.) (And also also, because on Sunday nights we like to just get high.) (Did we say “Sunday nights”?) Jesus. Jesus was a cool guy! We have a friend in him, and et cetera! Did they even get to Jesus last night? Don’t know that either! But according to The Wik, last night’s episode focused on “Zedekiah, Nebuchadnezzar, Daniel, Jews return to Jerusalem.” Sounds riveting, dudes! But if we didn’t watch it, and you didn’t either, why are we talking about this exactly? Well, like it says in the headline: because “The Bible” explains that Barack Obama is actually Beelzebub! Read more on Totally Great ‘The Bible’ Mini-Series Explains That Barack Obama Is The Debbil…
  get thee behind him lucifer

The Devil Accuses Bobby Jindal Of Sinning In His Heart (And In His Hand) To Amy Grant

Behold this dramatization of Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal’s account of the exorcism of a friend that he performed in college. This is just an excellent film, detailed and insightful about the spiritual warfare that aims to drive Lucifer from the bodies of our fellow humans. Read more on The Devil Accuses Bobby Jindal Of Sinning In His Heart (And In His Hand) To Amy Grant…
  the exorcist

NRO Editor Kathryn Jean Lopez: Was Aurora Shooter Possessed By Beelzebub?

Does Kathryn Jean Lopez believe the Aurora shooter, James Holmes, was possessed by demons? She does not say so. What she says is that a story by a Catholic priest who says possession is real and posits that James Holmes was in fact possessed by demons, is “interesting.” Are RTs endorsements? Of course not, DON’T BE RIDICULOSE! But when something is Catholic and ‘tarded, you can bet K-Lo is taking it for her gospel every time: Read more on NRO Editor Kathryn Jean Lopez: Was Aurora Shooter Possessed By Beelzebub?…
  hammertime

Florida Stops Dancing Thugs From Destroying Town

Weston, Florida – Floridians can breathe a sigh of relief and unlock their doors at night. There is no more need for police officers, and every senior citizen is now safe without the threat of being eaten by rap zombies. How did Weston create such an amazing utopia for its residents? How did they erase all crime and cause everyone to live in peace and harmony? Did they steal the playbook from Hidden Valley? The answer has been there the entire time and leaders around the world are kicking themselves in the asses for not thinking of it first. The answer to stopping all crime is to stop all dancing. Read more on Florida Stops Dancing Thugs From Destroying Town…
  satan takes care of his own

Irene Tragically Spares U.S. Capitol, White House, Pentagon & Wall Street (VIDEO)

While regular people are suffering through power outages, severe flooding, wind damage and a shutdown of public transportation along the whole Eastern Seaboard, reports on Sunday indicate that the The Devil spared his main temples on Earth, from His graven image of a golden bull outside His banks on Wall Street to the unholy trinity of the Capitol, Pentagon and White House in Washington. At least Home Depot and Lowe’s and WalMart made a lot of money price gouging poor people on crappy 50-cent flashlights! But let’s come together as a nation now (?) and enjoy this Children’s Treasury of YouTube Home Video from Irene Attacking Washington, D.C. Read more on Irene Tragically Spares U.S. Capitol, White House, Pentagon & Wall Street (VIDEO)…