Tag Archives: the devil

  beware those muslims being muslims in public!

Homeless Crazy Jesus Lady Knows Who’s Being Invaded By Muslims (It Is Oklahoma)

Guys, do you remember Christine Weick? Of course you remember Christine Weick. Christine Weick is the nice and not at all bugshit crazy American Patriot who drives around in her SUV from town to town — she is NOT HOMELESS, SHUT UP, SHE HAS A BANK ACCOUNT AND EVERYTHING — rambling on about Muslims and homosexuals and how Monster Energy Drinks are of the devil. And here’s the good news: She’s coming to save you, Oklahoma, from the scourge of the Islamics doing prayers to their false god and stuff. Read more on Homeless Crazy Jesus Lady Knows Who’s Being Invaded By Muslims (It Is Oklahoma)…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?

Back away, little pony. These are not nice people.
Time for another roundup of the dumbest of the worst of the unfathomably stupid! We scrape the mishegas off our browser tabs, puree it into a frothy mess, and serve it up to you with a warning to not overdo it on the brain bleach. Proceed with caution and gin. Read more on Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?…
  Today In Jesus Tech

New Smartphone App Gets Satan Behind Thee, For Free!

Jesus Saves... And makes regular backups
If you find fighting off the Devil too difficult, or if you’ve just plain given in and joined His Satanic Majesty, which is pretty likely, since you’re reading Wonkette, then televangelist Kyle Winkler (no relation to the Fonz, we’re pretty sure, and almost definitely not the minor-league pitcher of the same name), wants you to know that it’s not too late to fight back against the Devil. It also just so happens that Winkler has a book coming out in September, called Silence Satan, which is a pretty good reason to release a smartphone app called “Shut Up, Devil!” It sounds pretty darn powerful! Read more on New Smartphone App Gets Satan Behind Thee, For Free!…
  art for art's sake

BREAKING! Nice Christian Lady Gets Satanic Drawing In Starbucks Foam, Remains Calm, Does Not Freak Out!

What is the world even coming to when a nice Catholic Louisiana lady gets a pentagram and a 666 drawn in her Starbucks foam — and complains gently, mildly, kindly even, without even a threat to sue, boycott, or boycottsue! She doesn’t even claim to be persecuted on account of her faith! Shaking my damn head. READ MORE Read more on BREAKING! Nice Christian Lady Gets Satanic Drawing In Starbucks Foam, Remains Calm, Does Not Freak Out!…
  he rests his case!

Herman Cain Has Found The Real Groper, And It Is ‘The Devil’

Herman Cain has spent the past two years trying to clear his name of wrongful accusations that he groped that lady, and the other lady, and that third chick, and we think two other ones as well it is hard to keep straight! That is, he has been working to clear his name for the past two years except for the part where he has done anything to try to clear his name. This is because when one is accused of sexxxxytime shenanigans and quid pro ew behaviors, it is important to stand and fight them in a timely manner, unless you don’t really have anything to back you up. But Herman Cain does! He has “evidence”! And that “evidence” leads him to state unequivocally that he has found the real groper, and that groper is The Devil, squeezing and frottaging all up in those women’s brains until they all levitated from their beds and fingered Goody Cain (gross) for a witch! A sexxxxy witch! Let’s sexplore! Read more on Herman Cain Has Found The Real Groper, And It Is ‘The Devil’…
  Sympathy for the Devil

Scalia Strews Seeds Of Sanity Among Mountains Of Madness In New York Magazine Interview

By now you are probably aware that Antonin Scalia, the Supreme Court Justice most likely to haunt your dreams, got asked some really solid questions by New York Magazine lady Jennifer Senior, and some of his answers turned out to be rather wacky. He doesn’t know for sure if he knows any gay people! He literally believes the Devil walks among us! He doesn’t even watch Duck Dynasty all that much! Oh and also, he gets all his news from right-wing fishwrappers and talk radio. Have you ever suspected that you are better informed than Antonin Scalia? CONFIRMED!  But here’s the thing — he said some fairly sane, reasonable stuff too. Actually, shouldn’t that be the headline here? ‘Old, Bellicose Man Has Brief Moments of Lucidity’? See for yourself! Read more on Scalia Strews Seeds Of Sanity Among Mountains Of Madness In New York Magazine Interview…
  nevar forget

Ken Layne Interviews The Devil About 9/11, Stuff

Hmmm, well, here is a thing. It is Ken Layne, your deposed dictator, interviewing the Devil in the back of a San Francisco taxi, about 9/11 and religious wars and global warming … and you guys, you might not even have to reach for the cyanide pills. Read more on Ken Layne Interviews The Devil About 9/11, Stuff…
  hail satan

Why Does Time Magazine Think New Pope Is The Devil?

Buzzfeed posits that Time Magazine gave New Pope devil horns. This is somewhat undercut by Buzzfeed including its own gallery of former Time covers of Jew- Devil-horned people. But it is somewhat un-undercut by the fact that those people are Putin, Thatcher and Bill Gates! So … Read more on Why Does Time Magazine Think New Pope Is The Devil?…
  all hail satan

Totally Great ‘The Bible’ Mini-Series Explains That Barack Obama Is The Debbil

Hey Hitler Channel watchers, did you tune into “The Bible” last night? No? We did not either, because Joel Osteen and Rick Warren and the Assemblies of God and the National Association of Evangelicals are not really our go-to guys on Jesus and stuff. (And also because we didn’t know it was on.) (And also also, because on Sunday nights we like to just get high.) (Did we say “Sunday nights”?) Jesus. Jesus was a cool guy! We have a friend in him, and et cetera! Did they even get to Jesus last night? Don’t know that either! But according to The Wik, last night’s episode focused on “Zedekiah, Nebuchadnezzar, Daniel, Jews return to Jerusalem.” Sounds riveting, dudes! But if we didn’t watch it, and you didn’t either, why are we talking about this exactly? Well, like it says in the headline: because “The Bible” explains that Barack Obama is actually Beelzebub! Read more on Totally Great ‘The Bible’ Mini-Series Explains That Barack Obama Is The Debbil…
  get thee behind him lucifer

The Devil Accuses Bobby Jindal Of Sinning In His Heart (And In His Hand) To Amy Grant

Behold this dramatization of Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal’s account of the exorcism of a friend that he performed in college. This is just an excellent film, detailed and insightful about the spiritual warfare that aims to drive Lucifer from the bodies of our fellow humans. Read more on The Devil Accuses Bobby Jindal Of Sinning In His Heart (And In His Hand) To Amy Grant…
  the exorcist

NRO Editor Kathryn Jean Lopez: Was Aurora Shooter Possessed By Beelzebub?

Does Kathryn Jean Lopez believe the Aurora shooter, James Holmes, was possessed by demons? She does not say so. What she says is that a story by a Catholic priest who says possession is real and posits that James Holmes was in fact possessed by demons, is “interesting.” Are RTs endorsements? Of course not, DON’T BE RIDICULOSE! But when something is Catholic and ‘tarded, you can bet K-Lo is taking it for her gospel every time: Read more on NRO Editor Kathryn Jean Lopez: Was Aurora Shooter Possessed By Beelzebub?…
  hammertime

Florida Stops Dancing Thugs From Destroying Town

Weston, Florida – Floridians can breathe a sigh of relief and unlock their doors at night. There is no more need for police officers, and every senior citizen is now safe without the threat of being eaten by rap zombies. How did Weston create such an amazing utopia for its residents? How did they erase all crime and cause everyone to live in peace and harmony? Did they steal the playbook from Hidden Valley? The answer has been there the entire time and leaders around the world are kicking themselves in the asses for not thinking of it first. The answer to stopping all crime is to stop all dancing. Read more on Florida Stops Dancing Thugs From Destroying Town…
  satan takes care of his own

Irene Tragically Spares U.S. Capitol, White House, Pentagon & Wall Street (VIDEO)

While regular people are suffering through power outages, severe flooding, wind damage and a shutdown of public transportation along the whole Eastern Seaboard, reports on Sunday indicate that the The Devil spared his main temples on Earth, from His graven image of a golden bull outside His banks on Wall Street to the unholy trinity of the Capitol, Pentagon and White House in Washington. At least Home Depot and Lowe’s and WalMart made a lot of money price gouging poor people on crappy 50-cent flashlights! But let’s come together as a nation now (?) and enjoy this Children’s Treasury of YouTube Home Video from Irene Attacking Washington, D.C. Read more on Irene Tragically Spares U.S. Capitol, White House, Pentagon & Wall Street (VIDEO)…
  'i worship the ground paul ryan walks on'

Dick Cheney Confirms That Paul Ryan Is Satan

Here is what Dick Cheney said, in public, about GOP Medicare Murderer Paul Ryan: “I worship the ground that Paul Ryan walks on.” There, done, confirmed: Paul Ryan is not just a creepy looking errand boy for the Koch Brothers, because the Koch Brothers and Dick Cheney and Scott Walker and Eric Cantor and the rest of these amoral corporate devil-worshipers actually worship Paul Ryan, who is the Devil. This is pretty much just like in those Left Behind books … and this might well explain why Jesus did not return as He was scheduled to do last weekend. Paul Ryan/Satan defeated him! Was the Lord Jesus defeated — which in our admittedly hazy understanding of Christianity, is basically impossible? But if Paul Ryan is Satan, which was confirmed by Dick Cheney, who worships Satan, then the Christians have to rise up and defeat Paul Ryan, so Jesus will come back. This is totally making sense now. Let’s see if there’s a trailer for Left Behind: the TV Movie on YouTube, because we have a feeling there will be some instructional material within such a video. Read more on Dick Cheney Confirms That Paul Ryan Is Satan…
  important supreme court decisions

Devil Cuts Down Jesus Cross In Mojave National Preserve

The Supreme Court and the Obama Administration and the Troops/Veterans and Jesus all got together to try to keep an illegal goddamned religious statue in Mojave National Preserve, but guess what? The Devil is stronger, because He Is Legion, and the dumb/hideous Mojave Cross Made of Plumbing Pipe was cut down by Heroes and now the Baby Jesus cries. This is actual breaking news, right now, and it’s especially hilarious because there are no reporters within a hundred miles of the actual Scene of the Crime/Heroism. Read more on Devil Cuts Down Jesus Cross In Mojave National Preserve…
  nazis are weird

Vatican Hack Blames … Anti-Semitism For Global Outrage Over His Church Raping Children

Let’s see let’s see let’s see THINK GODDAMMIT what’s a good term to use when you’re defending an actual NAZI in a Pope Hat over his role in defending and protecting Catholic priests all over the world who rape little boys? How about “anti-Semitism.” Ha ha, Jesus may have died on Good Friday but irony sure didn’t. Read more on Vatican Hack Blames … Anti-Semitism For Global Outrage Over His Church Raping Children…
  god's work

So That Insane Indiscriminate Book Burning?: Three Penguin Classics In An Indoor Garbage Can

Recall the famed Halloween Book Burning Plot of the Amazing Grace Baptist Church, at which a piece of music’s or book’s very existence alone was enough to place it squarely on the side of the Devil, Satan. Satan was most displeased, for how would he convince people to come be homosexuals with him in hell without… contemporary Christian music! This is why the book burning was held indoors, in a single garbage can, where Satan has no jurisdiction. Read more on So That Insane Indiscriminate Book Burning?: Three Penguin Classics In An Indoor Garbage Can…
  political costumes

Sexy Toilet Teabagger Halloween Party!

Ohio player Tony Walker sends us this picture of a super-scary Halloween yard display, in his yard, in Ohio. “I stole the TeaBagger style for the sign (lettering and such) but restructured the message to a leftest/socialist theme,” Tony types to us. So is this our first “costume picture” of Halloween Eve? Come on people, send your political fun costume pix NOW. But don’t go as “Sexy Nancy Pelosi” because that one’s taken … by Nancy Pelosi! Read more on Sexy Toilet Teabagger Halloween Party!…
  satan is real

6.66 Million On Unemployment, Because of the Devil

The good news is that new unemployment claims were down a bit from the previous terrible week. The bad news is that there were more new jobless people than dumb economists had predicted. The worse news is that we now have 6.66 million people getting unemployment benefits, which proves the Devil is not only a true thing, but He’s here in America, having fun. Oh also millions more have just completely given up even looking for work, and their unemployment payments ran out long ago. [Bloomberg] Read more on 6.66 Million On Unemployment, Because of the Devil…
  jesusland

South Carolina Mayor ‘Just Curious’ If Obama’s the Antichrist, From The Bible

The brave mayor of some little South Carolina suburb has been very busy forwarding everybody some emails (and probably this old Wonkette post) about whether that colored fellow Barack Obama is perhaps some creature sent by The Devil to have a mythological war with Dead Jesus — you know, the Anti-Christ! Read more on South Carolina Mayor ‘Just Curious’ If Obama’s the Antichrist, From The Bible…