Bill Clinton Likes Candidate Fighting, Dislikes Candidate Fighting
Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008
Bill Clinton wants to kill you. All of you. When Bill Clinton gets angry, he wants to kill everything. At least this has been the tale the last couple of weeks — rumors abound that Ted Kennedy and Rep. Rahm Emanuel, neither of whom is known for their soothing qualities, have been telling Bill to shut up before he destroys the party. But Bill Clinton has never shut up in his life. MORE »
Bill Clinton wants to kill you. All of you. When Bill Clinton gets angry, he wants to kill everything. At least this has been the tale the last couple of weeks — rumors abound that Ted Kennedy and Rep. Rahm Emanuel, neither of whom is known for their soothing qualities, have been telling Bill to shut up before he destroys the party. But Bill Clinton has never shut up in his life. MORE »
Barack Obama is a FRAUD. He was a massive fraud on this morning’s Today show, and he probably went and stole some credit card identities after the taping. Barry has a health care package that doesn’t force everyone to get health insurance, but one time in Illinois he said single-payer systems are also good — but not feasible! Just look at this goddamn Brit, this lobsterback. Has he ever held a reliable position about anything? Thank you, The Clintons, for showing that Barry supports one kind of universal health care reform over another that he doesn’t think is so bad either.
Somewhere during his European search for knowledge as a student at Oxford, Bill Clinton must have come across ancient Old World mystics who taught him the powers of mind-control. So strong, these powers are, that Barry’s firewall against meanness and anti-Hope is breaking down. He snapped a couple of times at Billary last night — why now, right? — and today, he’s getting conspiratorial. 
Bill Clinton actually thinks Obama is running against him, which may or may not be true. Who else would he run against, the wife? Women can’t be president. In response to a question about which of The Clintons Barry was running against, President Bill responded: 
Bill Clinton’s a dick, nothing new here. He thinks Barry’s Iraq support is a “fairy tale,” and that’s only the tip of the iceberg insofar as Bill’s virulent racism is concerned. He also brought out “my wife should be president over this guy,” a pejorative that dates to those muggy summers in the indigo fields of South Carolina’s Sea Islands. Well, he’s done it now, and Barry’s had enough. He will attack the very mean former President when attacked now, and a veritable slap party shall ensue. 
Everybody’s favorite 12-year-old ugly child, Chelsea Clinton, is now somewhat hot, and it seems The Clintons have been using that trait at various sorority houses throughout the country to win election points. And she totally supports her mom, because she’s her mom after all! As she told the LA Times, “I find my mom very inspiring.” [Pause]. “But I’m biased.” We understand, formerly ugly girl. [
Hillary Clinton 
Here’s something awkward: guess who has detailed knowledge of anything and everything the Clintons have done, including where they have been and who they have met with 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for the past 15 years? The one, the only Michael Chertoff! Not to worry though. It’s not like he played any kind of prosecutorial role in the Whitewater investigations or anything. 