Tag Archives: the blaze

  We Have Some Fun With It

Dana Loesch Has Very Clever, Satirical Humor Thoughts About Dumb Ay-rabs

Dana Loesch, America's greatest living satirist
Move over, Mark Twain, because there’s a new master of English-language political satire, and it is bespectacled she-troll Dana Loesch! It has been a while since Loesch graced us with her signature brand of satire. Thankfully, she is here with a new video to remind us all why conservatives suck at satire and why you avoided on-campus sketch comedy troupes when you were in college. Here’s Dana’s new video called “Jobs for Jihadis,” it is very funny, and we think you will enjoy the film’s high production values and smart writing. We will blockquote some of our favorite dialogue at you, because it is really clever. Read more on Dana Loesch Has Very Clever, Satirical Humor Thoughts About Dumb Ay-rabs…
  Fertility Writes

Hero Science Man Matt Walsh: Feminists Hate Women, Because Slut Pills Kill

Lyra, you doofus. Bon Bon's a girl... you don't even need those, silly pony...
Matt Walsh, a dingus who writes for Glenn Beck’s Flaming Internet Hole, presents a science-based case against The Pill, which he has discovered is really, really bad for women, because SCIENCE. For one thing, he read a genuine medical study that found “women who took chemical birth control at any point in their lives show a 50 percent higher likelihood of developing a certain type of brain tumor.” That’s scary! Also it means that The Pill lets men have consequence-free sex, while women will all die of diseased brains! Read more on Hero Science Man Matt Walsh: Feminists Hate Women, Because Slut Pills Kill…
  unpossible!

Liberal Lawmaker Owns A Gun AND Favors Gun Control. Impossible!

Do not takesess our precious.
Big scoopy scoop over at The Blaze, Glenn Beck’s online home for his continuing total emotional and mental breakdown now cruising through its – let’s see, how old is Glenn Beck? – its 50th year. Seems Missouri state Sen. Jamilah Nasheed got herself arrested during a protest outside the Ferguson Police Department, because people just can’t let go of this Michael Brown shooting thing already, jeez. When the cops searched Nasheed, they found she was carrying a loaded 9mm pistol and extra ammo. Read more on Liberal Lawmaker Owns A Gun AND Favors Gun Control. Impossible!…
  All Praise Carbon Dioxide!

Wingnuts Peeing Themselves In Hilarity Over Climate Change March, ‘Science’

That game kind of got into my head a few years back
New York City hosted a big Climate Change protest on Sunday, and that’s cool and all, because raising awareness and solidarity and all that. There were hippies and signs and moms with kids in strollers and probably big protest puppets, we bet, because we’re pretty sure those are required by Saul Alinsky. The march was held to draw attention to the United Nations Climate Summit beginning tomorrow, and in terms of concrete change, sure, it didn’t make the problem go away, and wingnuts all had a fine time calling the participants terrible hypocrites if they got to New York by any means other than a bicycle — and if they rode bicycles, then wingnuts mocked them for those silly spandex pants. Read more on Wingnuts Peeing Themselves In Hilarity Over Climate Change March, ‘Science’…
  Ninth-Graders Break Out 'Truckload Of Bowling Balls' Jokes

Dallas Police Launch Manhunt After Miscarried Fetus Found In High School Restroom

You'll never get anywhere with that de-fetus attitude
Big excitement at Woodrow Wilson High School in Dallas, where a fetus was found in a women’s restroom Friday, leading to approximately five million police descending on the school, as well as an equal number of shocked reactions about the horrors of a teen mother callously abandoning her infant. Read more on Dallas Police Launch Manhunt After Miscarried Fetus Found In High School Restroom…
  guns way way way before butter

The Blaze So Excited About Tennessee Restaurant That Really Loves Gun Humpers

Though the gun humpers are hell-bent on humping their guns everywhere, they’ve recently suffered some setbacks with places like Target and Chipotle taking away their god-given Second Amendment freedoms by not letting them roll into the store on a tank or whatever. But all is not lost! The Blaze has found some completely random restaurant in Tennessee that loves them some guns, which totally proves oh good lord we have no idea what it proves. But lack of a news hook doesn’t stop The Blaze from giving this rustic restaurant paradise the longest, slowest, most loving tongue bath ever. Read more on The Blaze So Excited About Tennessee Restaurant That Really Loves Gun Humpers…
  is failure to follow the narrative a crime?

How Is Bowe Bergdahl Failing To Be A Taliban Sympathizer Today?

Hey, America, remember how the entire rightwing media howler monkey brigade was telling us that not only did Bowe Bergdahl desert his post, he also willingly joined the Taliban and taught them how to build bombs after he was captured? And so we never should have bothered bringing him back to U.S. America? Oh, except now that he’s back on U.S. soil, Army investigators are satisfied that he actually didn’t engage in any misconduct during the five years he was held captive. This raises the obvious question: Why is the Army conducting an investigation that doesn’t take into account the exhaustive rumormongering done by rightwing bloggers? Read more on How Is Bowe Bergdahl Failing To Be A Taliban Sympathizer Today?…
  what is this we don't even

The Glenn Beck Program Has Hilarious Video That Really Puts The Funny In Sexual Assault

Some days we watch videos like this one and think maybe the wingnuts are right when they claim that evolution is a lie. Because the people who put this thing together cannot possibly qualify as evolved, intelligent life forms. Seriously, the collective EEG readings for all the alleged humans who appear in this ode to idiocy must be flatter than a week-old glass of Tab. Read more on The Glenn Beck Program Has Hilarious Video That Really Puts The Funny In Sexual Assault…
  God's Dollar

Barack Obama Hates God, Gives Money To Charities Instead Of Church

This past Friday the President released his tax returns for 2013. Little ink was spilled over this momentous occasion, because it was boring. Mind-numbingly boring. Like pretty much everyone else’s tax returns. In fact, the most interesting thing about the Obamas’ taxes is that they aren’t interesting: the majority of Bamz income comes from his Presidential salary. His books made a nice chunk of change, but a lot less than they did in 2012, which probably explains why they only gave 12 percent of their income to charity instead of last year’s 25. (Joe Biden, God Love Him, managed to increase his frankly terrible charitable giving to about 5 percent.) So that’s all, right? What, are you new here? Of course that’s not all. Enter The Blaze. Did you know the President hates God? That’s right. The President only gave $1500 to St. John’s Church, thereby illustrating THE PROBLEM WITH AMERICA. The Obamas did give away $59,000, or about 12 percent, to totally God-hating causes like the Lymphoma and Leukemia Society and the Red Cross. But they don’t count because that isn’t “tithing.” Read more on Barack Obama Hates God, Gives Money To Charities Instead Of Church…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Stocking Stuffer Of Stoopid

Happy Solstice, you ugly vile little snark mob! Welcome to yet another Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we steam-clean our browser tabs, clearing out a bunch of stories that weren’t worth a full post on their own, but too stoopid to ignore altogether. Then we serve up the resulting sludge up for you to choke down as best you can (Protip: Add liquor). Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Stocking Stuffer Of Stoopid…
  o brothel where art thou

So Far, Only Hookers Seem To Like Obamacare

Here’s another story about sex workers who are happy to get insurance under the Affordable Care Act. Combine that with wingnut Noel Sheppard’s freakout over san Francisco hookers signing up for the ACA, and it is now officially a Trend. of course, in this case, the women signing up are legally employed at a Nevada brothel, the Moonlight Bunny Ranch, so at least there’s none of that “criminal” stigma, right? Aha, well, not so much; The Blaze simply says “It’s come to this” and shakes its head sadly. So get ready for HookerCare to become a wingnut meme. Read more on So Far, Only Hookers Seem To Like Obamacare…
  and we'll all be fun when johnny comes marching home

Hallmark’s Ugly Sweater Ornament Does War On Christmas, Wingnuts OK With It Because Some Gays Complained

An early squirmish in the War On Christmas has erupted over an ornament sold by Hallmark; the ornament depicts a traditional Ugly Christmas Sweater with lines from “Deck the Halls” on it, but “Don we now our gay apparel” has been changed to “Don we now our FUN apparel.” A few people rolled their eyes and complained on the company’s FaceSpace page, noting that the change seemed a kind of douchey. The Blaze includes some samples, including this inflammatory Politically Correct madness: “Hallmark: It’s okay to be gay, you don’t need to rewrite Christmas carol lyrics.” American Patriarchy Association spokesweirdo Bryan Fischer tweeted a link to the story, describing the kerfuffle as The bully bigots of Big Gay committing a hate crime, going after Hallmark over sexual orientation Sure, that’s just how we read it too! Read more on Hallmark’s Ugly Sweater Ornament Does War On Christmas, Wingnuts OK With It Because Some Gays Complained…
  whose house our house

Glenn Beck’s The Blaze Making Sense Again By Reminding Us That Everyone Reclines

Just like you, we like continuity. We dig on certainty. We like to think that when we surf on over to The Blaze, we’ll get some reliable blatherskite (what? we ran out of ways to say “nonsense” in ‘Merican so now we’re going British) about how Obama is wrecking the country by being too black. Lately, though, The Blaze has BLOWN OUR FUCKING MINDS by making sense on some things even as everyone around them goes nuts. Really, who better than The Blaze to remind us that consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds? Yes, if you run on over to Glenn Beck’s little vanity project, you can see a semi-nuanced article about how Bamz puts his feet on the desk in the oval office but it’s cool because everybody does it. Read more on Glenn Beck’s The Blaze Making Sense Again By Reminding Us That Everyone Reclines…
  al gebra determined to strike in u.s.

Newest Wingnut Fad: Obama Decrees That 3 X 4 = 11

Fire up the Debunk-O-Matic 5000 and get ready to start sending your wingnut co-workers to snopes.com, folks! Fox & Friends and the American Patriarchy Association’s Bryan Fischer are among several conservative outlets pitching a selectively edited video that appears to show Illinois school official Amanda August saying that under the Common Core standards, it won’t matter whether a student thinks three times four equals eleven or twelve, as long as the student can explain why they came up with their answer. Fox & Friends showed a clip of August saying just this much: Even if they said, ‘3 x 4 was 11,’ if they were able to explain their reasoning and explain how they came up with their answer really in words and in oral explanations, and they showed it in the picture but they just got the final number wrong, we’re really more focusing on the how. Steve Doocy mocked the clip, saying, “if you can explain it to the teacher…you get credit!” and co-host Anna Kooiman decried it as part of the “wussification of America [where] everybody gets a trophy … what happens if the child becomes a doctor and decides to operate on the wrong knee?” Pretty shocking stuff, and just more evidence that liberal teachers are throwing standards out the window! Oh, except that in the full clip, August also said that kids need to get correct answers. Twice. Right before and right after the excerpt that Fox showed. Read more on Newest Wingnut Fad: Obama Decrees That 3 X 4 = 11…
  on a wingnut and a prayer

Wingnuts Furious: Black Kid Said The Darnedest Thing

This video of an 8-year-old saying a prayer for Barack Obama is the latest cause for wingnut outrage, because the kid appears to be praying to the President: “Barack Obama thank you for doing everything and all the kind stuff. Thank you for all the stuff that you helped us with.” And so on. We liked that perfect 8-year-old moment where the kiddo says “And when you get older you will be able to do great things.” Ah, but there has to be something sinister at work here. Proof, say the usual suspects, that Obama is the focus of a cult of personality, or that The Blacks think he’s Jesus, or that the parents (if he even has two parents, haw haw!) have brainwashed the poor child to spout pro-Obama propaganda. It’s just like North Korea!! Fox Radio panicmonger Todd Starnes asked, “What kind of a parent would allow their child to blaspheme God?” And let’s not even start with WND. Rather than piling on, The Blaze weirdly played the voice of reason, — and not for the first time! — pointing out that this is an 8-year-old child, after all, and maybe a single video of an 8-year-old kid is not worth all the agita? Read more on Wingnuts Furious: Black Kid Said The Darnedest Thing…
  hunka hunka burnin' dumb

Wingnuts Just Terribly Offended That Anyone Might Link Wildfire Deaths With Global Warming

Funny thing about the political blogosphere: When politics blogs aren’t busy dissecting the political implications of literally every nuance of modern life (you know, like the pro-bestiality agenda of Skittles ads), they find it absolutely shocking that somebody else might find political implications in news events. Case in point: stories at any number of rightwing websites expressing disgust at “liberals on Twitter” who have “blamed ‘global warming'” (always in scare quotes, because there’s no such thing) for the terrible deaths of 19 firefighters. And let’s be completely clear here: Your Wonkette will not make any jokes about the Arizona firefighters’ deaths. Oh, but there’s plenty of japes to be made at the faux offense taken by sensitive darlings on the right. Our favorite, of course would have to be the display at Glenn Beck’s Home For Connected Malcontents, or The Blaze, because cheap irony. In addition to a sampling of outrageous sentiments like “#climatechange is a killer,” the article also notes that all sorts of wild-eyed liberals, like science blogger Phil Plait, have made a completely unreasonable connection between global warming and the hot, dry temperatures that exacerbate wildfires in general, like those also plaguing Colorado. This is just silly extremism, say the same blogs that trumpet heavy snowfalls in the winter as conclusive proof that global warming is a lie. Read more on Wingnuts Just Terribly Offended That Anyone Might Link Wildfire Deaths With Global Warming…
  Blaze-ing Twaddle

The Blaze Just Asking: Did Imam’s One Weird Prayer Damn Navy Seals To Hell At Their Own Funeral?

You guys should go take a look at Ana Marie Wossername’s thinky piece about how the wingnut media doesn’t seem to have learned a damn thing from the failure of its “Obama Is Evil” narrative in the 2012 election. It’s pretty good, and we think this writer has a lot of potential. But we honestly thought she’d made up the example she used to lead off with, a supposed Blaze article with the ludicrous headline “DID AN IMAM REALLY USE ARABIC PRAYER TO COVERTLY DAMN FALLEN SEAL TEAM 6 MEMBERS TO HELL DURING THEIR FUNERAL?” Silly us, we should know better by now, because of COURSE it’s real. Read more on The Blaze Just Asking: Did Imam’s One Weird Prayer Damn Navy Seals To Hell At Their Own Funeral?…
  New World Ordure

Glenn Beck’s ‘The Blaze’ Asks Brave Question About Beyoncé’s ‘Illuminati Symbol’ During Halftime Show

Oh, sure, maybe you thought the real scandal about Beyoncé’s halftime show was all the gyrating and unladylike whorish dressing and near-hoo-ha hand motions, but that is because you are shallow. Yes we will say it. You are shallow to let yourself be distracted by these meaningless questions of whether Beyoncé was lip-synching or too bouncy-bouncy or whatever, because to focus on such superficialities is to miss the far deeper worry: Was Beyoncé invoking the Illuminati when she briefly held her thumbs and index fingers in a vaguely triangular shape, and since she obviously was, what are the larger implications for today’s modern American political and economic situation of modern America today? Read more on Glenn Beck’s ‘The Blaze’ Asks Brave Question About Beyoncé’s ‘Illuminati Symbol’ During Halftime Show…
  miz jackson if you're nasty

Here Is Victoria Jackson Not Being Totally Mentally Ill About Als Gore And Jazeera

Our old pal Victoria Jackson has been kind of mentally ill on her Facebook page lately, so we did not make fun of her for it because SAD FACE. (We try not to make fun of the actually mentally ill, though we fucked up on that P-E-N-I-S lady, and we’re pretty torn about yesterdays gaysatanbuttbabies.) But Ms. Jackson’s latest tour de force about Al Gore, Cyndi Lauper and Al Jazeera is not insane (beyond her usual shriekings bout SHARIA) so much as it is stupid and maybe drunk and also it makes no sense. Let us have a close read, together, of whatever the fuck she is rambling on about, in her feverdreams! Read more on Here Is Victoria Jackson Not Being Totally Mentally Ill About Als Gore And Jazeera…
  What's a Meta For?

Rhode Island Prof Learns Only Wingnuts Allowed To Use Violent Metaphors

[Updated 12/22/12; see end] So, after the Newtown massacre last Friday, Erik Loomis, a University of Rhode Island history professor, got on the Twitter Machine and expressed the sort of outrage that a lot of people were feeling that day toward the Gun Lobby and its chief: I was heartbroken in the first 20 mass murders. Now I want Wayne LaPierre’s head on a stick. On the internet, this sort of comment is pretty much what you call “mild.” However, Erik Loomis is not merely an academic; he is also a blogger at Lawyers, Guns & Money, and so he is someone whose comments get noticed in the Angersphere. The Daily Caller, for instance, said that Loomis “unleashed a flurry of profanity-ridden tweets demanding death for National Rifle Association executive Wayne LaPierre.” Other wingnuts soon followed in accusing Loomis of making “death threats” against LaPierre, including a genius whose blog breathlessly announced Professor calls for assassination of NRA CEO. And so, it only stands to reason that campus and state police were sent to meet with Loomis after they received multiple reports that he had made death threats; eventually, Loomis began receiving actual death threats of the “I am going to kill you” rather than the metaphorical variety. The university is also receiving many calls and emails calling for Loomis to lose his job — he is not yet tenured. But remember, he started it. Read more on Rhode Island Prof Learns Only Wingnuts Allowed To Use Violent Metaphors…
  bang bang boogie

A Helpful Taxonomy Of Who Should Be Carrying Guns Around Children

In these heady days after a man committed a horrific mass murder of innocent children, it’s easy to think, “We would all be safer if everyone carried around big-ass rifles to protect against crime.”  And it’s easy to think that because you’re a fucking AMERICAN who knows about every citizen’s right to presume that everyone else is trying to kill him. But there’s a small catch to this.  America has police (for some reason), and they’re licensed to not only carry weapons, but can arrest you!  And not in the cool citizen’s arrest way where you draw on a guy and spout one-liners until a hapless fat cop shows up covered in powdered sugar to fumblingly snap handcuffs on the guy, but in the put you in jail way.  One Arkansas town is taking advantage of this, and is arming all of its officers with AR-15s so they can demand IDs. Read more on A Helpful Taxonomy Of Who Should Be Carrying Guns Around Children…
  today in harpies

Wingnuts Simply Do Not Care For Nancy Pelosi Answering Back To A Man

This is Nancy Pelosi, mom, grandma, Armani model, and once the most powerful woman in the nation. And here she is, flappin’ her gums about blah blah blah middle class blah blah blah who cares? Well, at some point during this period of time, when she is distinctly not making anyone a sandwich, Texas idiot and Ponzi Scheme lover Pete Sessions apparently laughs at her, because “gentleman.” And does Nancy Pelosi apologize as she should have, for being so ridiculous and also a member of Congress, in fact the leader of one of the two parties? She does not. She gets “snippy” with him. Read more on Wingnuts Simply Do Not Care For Nancy Pelosi Answering Back To A Man…