thanksgiving
The Day Sarah Palin Pardoned a Turkey
On a grim November day just two years ago, the recently defeated GOP candidate for vice president pardoned a turkey. And because she had yet to quit the only real job she ever had — governor of Alaska — she didn’t have all these private jets at her service, so she did the “normal for [...]
Official Wonkette Thanksgiving Recipe Comment Post
Sorry we didn’t do this yesterday — we were at Disneyland, haha, just like that pardoned presidential turkey — but as it’s still only 10:30 in the morning on the East Coast and 7:30 a.m. on the West Coast, we’ll make the wild assumption that you’re all not up and cooking already. (Many of you [...]
White House Turkey Trot: A Children’s Treasury of Dumb Tradition
On this Thanksgiving Morning/Mourning, we want to remind Americans that all presidents have always looked like twits during the annual Turkey Pardon Photo Op — of course Barack Obama looked like an idiot pretending to care about that dumb bird headed to Disneyland. (This is exactly why Obama seems so bored dealing with unemployed/destroyed people; [...]
Happy Thanksgiving! Chuck Grassley Has Renamed the United States
“xceptionalNation” has a nice ring to it! We were getting sick of “United States of America.” Also, it’s how the Pilgrims would have branded us. Had they known about skateboards. [Twitter]
Make Some Boozey Chocolate Cake With Betty Ford!
Who can forget this classic Thanksgiving liquor cake recipe from First Lady Betty Ford? Our dearly departed Juli Weiner wrote this up several Thanksgivings ago, and we still reprint it every year, even though now she makes Harry Potter slash fiction photo-comics for Vanity Fair: Here is one for the “chocoholics,” starring Betty Ford! It’s [...]
K-Lo’s Hamburger-Stuffed Turkey Dumped On Floor For Cats To Eat
So what happens if you actually make K-Lo’s super-gross anus-burger Turkey recipe? This, apparently.
TSA Chief: No Body Cavity Searches, For Now
Relax, terrorists!
‘One or Two’ Passengers Can Wreck Entire TSA, Apparently
You might think a nationwide workforce so well-trained in stealing iPods and loose change would be able to withstand a few “nah I don’t want to get cancer” opt-outs, but that is not the case! The government’s finest child-molesting force is so fragile and worthless that “just one or two recalcitrant passengers at an airport [...]
America’s Richest County Giving Away Thankgiving Meals For First Time
Now that the economy has “rebounded,” everyone will have a much happier, richer Thanksgiving — except for all the hungry people! Yes, even in a nation as obese as America, tens of millions of people can’t afford basic food. In fact, “food insecurity” is actually a major cause of obesity, as the poorest people will [...]
How To Make Wonkette’s Actual Awesome Real Cranberry Business
It’s that special time of year when we all give thanks for 25% real unemployment, the never-ending real-estate collapse, terrible schools, broken infrastructure and a bunch of mouth-breathing cretins sticking their hands up Granny’s hoo-ha at the airport. And that means we should all gather around the oven and watch Aunt Wonkette make its world-famous [...]
Fight the TSA’s Child Porn Airport Death Machines, November 24!
Guess who’s pushing for these radiation/porn camera tubes in every airport, to first debase you and then kill you with cancer? Hollow-eyed death monster Michael Chertoff, former director of Homeland Security! He’s now a lobbyist for the death-porn humiliation chambers, which is why it’s very important to security — his financial security — that you [...]
Here Are 30,000 Americans Ready For War
WalMart! There is nothing quite like a blood riot in a WalMart to make you want to go anywhere else, even Afghanistan. Enjoy this footage from “Black Friday,” the magic day in America when the citizens don’t even pretend to be human. [YouTube]
Child Slave Finds Jesse Helms Fossil, Gives It To Her Smithsonian Overseer
While you were at home stuffing turkey into your tongue cave with a fork lift, DEA agents and Navy SEALs were napalming the dickens out of Boone Forest, which means all of your evil marijuana plants are now incinerated forever. Happy Thanksgiving, you degenerate stoners!
Wonkette’s Children’s Treasury of Traditional Thanksgiving Videos
Without the turkey-slaughter stylings of Miss Wasilla, how could any of us really enjoy Thanksgiving? Here’s the dropout governor of Alaska before she ditched her job for Hollywood. Look how she doesn’t want to touch that filthy animal! Once you’ve gone Neiman Marcus, you can’t go back. So many more beloved holiday traditional videos await [...]
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