May 24, 2013
On a grim November day just two years ago, the recently defeated GOP candidate for vice president pardoned a turkey. And because she had yet to quit the only real job she ever had — governor of Alaska — she didn’t have all these private jets at her service, so she did the “normal for [...]
Sorry we didn’t do this yesterday — we were at Disneyland, haha, just like that pardoned presidential turkey — but as it’s still only 10:30 in the morning on the East Coast and 7:30 a.m. on the West Coast, we’ll make the wild assumption that you’re all not up and cooking already. (Many of you [...]
On this Thanksgiving Morning/Mourning, we want to remind Americans that all presidents have always looked like twits during the annual Turkey Pardon Photo Op — of course Barack Obama looked like an idiot pretending to care about that dumb bird headed to Disneyland. (This is exactly why Obama seems so bored dealing with unemployed/destroyed people; [...]
“xceptionalNation” has a nice ring to it! We were getting sick of “United States of America.” Also, it’s how the Pilgrims would have branded us. Had they known about skateboards. [Twitter]
SURPRISE, Obama did the dumb turkey pardon thing today. So now those two fowls will live out their days in uninterrupted luxury in Gitmo. Administration Cute Czar Sasha and Cuter Czar Malia were on hand because this sort of thing is supposed to be cute. But that didn’t stop serious op-ed writers from criticizing him [...]
Who can forget this classic Thanksgiving liquor cake recipe from First Lady Betty Ford? Our dearly departed Juli Weiner wrote this up several Thanksgivings ago, and we still reprint it every year, even though now she makes Harry Potter slash fiction photo-comics for Vanity Fair: Here is one for the “chocoholics,” starring Betty Ford! It’s [...]
So what happens if you actually make K-Lo’s super-gross anus-burger Turkey recipe? This, apparently.
You might think a nationwide workforce so well-trained in stealing iPods and loose change would be able to withstand a few “nah I don’t want to get cancer” opt-outs, but that is not the case! The government’s finest child-molesting force is so fragile and worthless that “just one or two recalcitrant passengers at an airport [...]
Now that the economy has “rebounded,” everyone will have a much happier, richer Thanksgiving — except for all the hungry people! Yes, even in a nation as obese as America, tens of millions of people can’t afford basic food. In fact, “food insecurity” is actually a major cause of obesity, as the poorest people will [...]
It’s that special time of year when we all give thanks for 25% real unemployment, the never-ending real-estate collapse, terrible schools, broken infrastructure and a bunch of mouth-breathing cretins sticking their hands up Granny’s hoo-ha at the airport. And that means we should all gather around the oven and watch Aunt Wonkette make its world-famous [...]
Guess who’s pushing for these radiation/porn camera tubes in every airport, to first debase you and then kill you with cancer? Hollow-eyed death monster Michael Chertoff, former director of Homeland Security! He’s now a lobbyist for the death-porn humiliation chambers, which is why it’s very important to security — his financial security — that you [...]
WalMart! There is nothing quite like a blood riot in a WalMart to make you want to go anywhere else, even Afghanistan. Enjoy this footage from “Black Friday,” the magic day in America when the citizens don’t even pretend to be human. [YouTube]
While you were at home stuffing turkey into your tongue cave with a fork lift, DEA agents and Navy SEALs were napalming the dickens out of Boone Forest, which means all of your evil marijuana plants are now incinerated forever. Happy Thanksgiving, you degenerate stoners!
Without the turkey-slaughter stylings of Miss Wasilla, how could any of us really enjoy Thanksgiving? Here’s the dropout governor of Alaska before she ditched her job for Hollywood. Look how she doesn’t want to touch that filthy animal! Once you’ve gone Neiman Marcus, you can’t go back. So many more beloved holiday traditional videos await [...]
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