Tag: thanksgiving

Now that's presidential.

Republicans Wish Obama Did Turkey Murder As Good As Sarah Palin

If you're like most Republicans, you're not even HAVING Thanksgiving this year, because you're still upset over how "President" Obama abused his executive powers last year, by pardoning TWO turkeys instead of just one, can you say OUT OF...
OOOH DADDY WE GET TO DO TEEVEE AGAIN!

Pa Duggar Teaches Menfolk How Not To Be Gross Perverts Like His Son Josh

Being a grown-up fundamentalist Christian man is tough, you guys. You try to stay on the straight and narrow, bein' real good and Christ-like as you teach everybody how to hate the gaygenders at your Family Research Council hate...
We don't remember seeing this one at all. We must seek it out!

It’s Alive! Mystery Science Theater 3000 Is ALIVE! Your Weekend Nerdout

Happy Sunday Nerding to you all, Wonkers! Hope you are enjoying your weekly powered-down mode interval; as for us, we are toiling away in the snark mines, bringing you nothing but the finest possible nerdstuff, not to mention the...
Mazel tov about the egg thing

Fine Hipsters, Taco Bell Will Put Free-Range Artisanal Kale Eggs In Your Chalupas

Your Wonkette stands before you bearing gifts of Corporate Jerkery the likes of which have never been seen since last week. And just in time for Thanksgiving and Black Friday, too! Blessed is the government that steals from the...
THROUGH WITH YOU FOOLS.

Pity Obama Won’t Say What He Really Feels About Whiny Coward Republicans

The last few days we've learned that Republican governors, presidential candidates, pundits, and those weird people who show up in your Facebook friends' comments sections are some of the most pathetic, cowardly excuses for human beings our great US...
He doesn't look quite so D-U-M when he's being correct about a thing.

Pat Robertson Lets Gays Off Hook For That Whole ‘Sodom’ Thing

It's the weirdest thing on the whole planet when Pat Robertson is Right About A Thing, especially when it's about gaygendersexicans! Usually Grandpa Pat is all "Hey, you homosexuals, stop thrusting inside Pat's dusty man cave!" and "Hey, fake...
bringing out the best in us since 2005

Walmart And Pals Trying To Lower Black Friday Body Count, How Nice!

Among our country's holidays, perhaps none is truly more American than Black Friday. After a day of food, football, and listening to an uncle say "that Ted Cruz makes some good points about the Gold Standard," we are given the option to unleash our...
Making that face is one of the things he learned in sex rehab.

Did Josh Duggar Jailbreak From Sex Rehab? Guard Your Sheep And Your Women!

Uh oh, it's Duggar Friday at the Wonkette! (Which is different from Duggar Tuesday, where ladies Duggar all night for free, and Duggar Thursday, which is all-you-can-eat ewwwwww.) So let's find out if there's anything going on in the...
PINTO! PINTO! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Video Proves Fake Democrats Better Than Real Republicans

America is still recovering from last week's CNBC Republican Debate Night Shart Explosion -- which was, as we have explained, not bad for the reasons Republicans think, but because CNBC sucks at life. So maybe we should all fall into the...
What what, in the butt.

Pat Robertson Wishes The Homosexuals Would Stop Thrusting Into Him So Hard

Pat Robertson, congratulations, for you are getting your second mention on Wonkette in one week. Your Google Alerts must be going CRAZY! Last time we visited with America's most embarrassingest grandpa, he was teaching us how to make sure...
Thinking face.

Pat Robertson Teaches How To Hate Your Gay Kid Real Good This Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is such a nice time! (Unless you hate it.) You get to see your family, or whatever family you've created for yourself, and they shove eleventy thousand pounds of food in your face and then you take a...
Why teach American history when you can worship it instead?

Rush Limbaugh’s Crappy Books Will Save Kids From A.P. History

The Grand Freakout over revisions to the Advanced Placement U.S. History (APUSH) exam continues. As you recall, the College Board's changes to the APUSH test -- which downplay memorization and emphasize more engagement with primary historical texts -- have...

Klassy GOP Lady Real Sorry For Calling Obama Daughters Skanks

You've probably heard by now about the bravest American in America, who bravely shamed first daughters Malia and Sasha Obama for disgracing themselves and America and mom and apple pie by being teenagers, standing around like a couple of...

Thanksgiving Ain’t Over Until The Turkey Tetrazzini Sings

Do you still have turkey leftovers? Great. Let's get rid of it already, with the American comfort classic Turkey Tetrazzini. It's a pasta casserole with mushrooms, leftover turkey, frozen peas, and a cream sauce. You can do a shortcut and...

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah’s Having A Cyber Monday Sale For All Her Crap

It's Cyber Monday, YOU GUYS, and the Sarah Palin Channel is bringin' you more hot online deals than you can shake a snow machine at! You guys all know Cyber Monday, right? It's the day when all us lazy millennial...

Use Up That Canned Cranberry Sauce, With Booze!

Even if you make Ken Layne's Aunt Wonkette's Real Cranberry Business every year, chances are good that you still put can of the jellied cranberry sauce on your fine china to complete the spread on your Thanksgiving table, strictly for...