Wonkette

THE GREAT THANKSGIVING WARS: “A mob of bargain-crazed cretins smashed down the glass doors of a Long Island Wal-Mart and stomped the life out of a gentle man hired by a temporary agency to mind the store. Across the country in a Palm Desert strip mall, a bloody fistfight between two charming young women ended with two men dead, after a gunfight in the aisles of Toys R Us.” [AOL Political Machine]

There’s a famous teevee event that is apparently still held every Thanksgiving, called the Happy Thanksgiving Parade of Macy’s Store! So it happened again, yesterday, and the Cartoon Network went ahead and cold rick-rolled all the old people watching broadcast television on Thanksgiving morning, instead of cooking food or whatever, pizza pizza!

Thanksgiving is the day Americans very briefly pretend to be civilized family people as they gather around a table covered in once-a-year homemade food. The day after Thanksgiving — Black Friday — is when Americans return to their real selves. At 5 a.m. today, outside a Long Island Wal-Mart, a crazed mob busted through the doors and crushed a 34-year-old temporary employee. He died. Four lunatics were injured. [Reuters]

How could we let Thanksgiving end without sharing C.S.A. Colonel Saxby Chambliss and family’s warm regards? What a lovely surprise! And the children! They tell us to vote for their “Big Daddy,” gross. “Big Daddy” responds with a white-knuckled clench of the little girl’s breast. [YouTube]

We want to give our Thanks to you, the Wonkette readers, on this last publishing day before our one-day bank holiday. Earlier, Ken shared a beautiful, warm ‘n’ fuzzy YouTube poem with you, and now it is your male associate editor’s turn. Click the “MORE” thing for a magical, escapist treat that celebrates America and, more importantly, the Pilgrims, whom we honor every year because one night, several hundred years ago, they invited the savages over to their condo for a big dinner. CLICK 4 FUN —> MORE »

“Thanks for a Nation of Finks,” says America’s Poet, William S. Burroughs, in this beloved Thanksgiving Prayer. (It is traditional for the head of household to recite this prayer before the Feast.) [Gus Van Sant/Google Video]

On this Thanksgiving Eve, we want to remind Americans that all presidents have always looked like twits during the annual Turkey Pardon Photo Op — so Barack Obama will make history again as the first president to ever look cool next to these fucking turkeys. Here’s Harry Truman, reportedly forced by the National Turkey Federation to start the dumb tradition, thus ensuring that other popular Thanksgiving main courses of the time — ham, roast beast, parsnips, etc. — would fall by the wayside. The Turkey Industry was the Jack Abramoff of 1947. MORE »

While Barack Obama appoints Mr. Peabody as the Secretary of Science or whatever and no other news happens except the usual daily rain of Great Big Depression statistics, let’s give THX for whatever it is that didn’t go terribly wrong this year (the election, for example!) by sharing our favorite T-day food, beverage and dessert recipes right here, in the comments!

A feature in yesterday’s Washington Post Food section very liberally suggests, with a garish math graphic as its weapon, that Americans should use Thanksgiving as an opporunity to learn about eating “green” and reducing one’s carbon footprint. Behold, the language of the new Obama-style post-socialism: “A holiday all about seasonal food presents a real opportunity to eat sustainably. But making the right choices is more complicated than you think. Should you buy local or organic? Or is what you eat — and how much — more important?” This would be an insanely mockable newspaper item if not for the fact that it’s so boring to read. Just look at the graphic! It’s all, “blah blah blah 92% blah fowl e=C0_2 Al Gore blah fart.” Fortunately, the National Review read it and has published a lengthy response, about the War on Thanksgiving. MORE »

Here is some wingnut PAC that seems real … either that, or somebody out there is a secret master of Political Satire and has a lot of fat/dumb relatives who will do anything for more Hot Cheetos and Truck Nutz. Thank you, Sarah Palin, you fucking idiot! [Our Country PAC]

John McCain’s latest e-mail came from… Senator Lindsey Graham! Apparently Graham joined his Mexican-loving colleague on his trip to Iraq for Thanksgiving, where the two wined and dined on some local fresh market fruit, said heya to the troops, maybe did each other a little bit. Too immature? Just look at that love letter! Oh my, these here boys and their Latino-spicy burrito love.

It is normally hard for a candidate not to look kinda silly doing his/her obligatory Thanksgiving charity work/photo op. John Edwards, here, schools the others. His tips: don’t wear a suit; wear well-fitting jeans that don’t look starched or not previous worn; have excellent posture; use less product than normal in your hair; do something manlier than serving food; look as though you’re annoyed by the publicity; and be smoking hot. Yum. [Photo courtesy of the Associated Press]

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today’s Cartoons.

America: What are you thankful for? If you’re reading this blog instead of enjoying some relaxing time with your family, you may be one of the damned souls forced to work on the Friday after Thanksgiving, and thus may not be thankful for much of anything. Conversely, you may hate your family with a seething, burning passion and may be glad to be locked in your room and surfing the Web rather than interacting with them any further (and by “interacting with them”, we mean “finally breaking down and strangling them all”). We at Cartoon Violence are thankful for things, too, obviously. For instance, we’re thankful for the timeless, comforting rhythms of the holiday season, the little rituals that ground us in tradition in this all-too-fast modern world. And, as you’ll see after the jump, any number of political cartoonists are thankful for these traditions too, because they get to use them as an excuse to draw elf corpses and Rudy Giuliani’s grotesquely swollen head. MORE »