WalMart! There is nothing quite like a blood riot in a WalMart to make you want to go anywhere else, even Afghanistan. Enjoy this footage from “Black Friday,” the magic day in America when the citizens don’t even pretend to be human. [YouTube]

While you were at home stuffing turkey into your tongue cave with a fork lift, DEA agents and Navy SEALs were napalming the dickens out of Boone Forest, which means all of your evil marijuana plants are now incinerated forever. Happy Thanksgiving, you degenerate stoners! MORE »

Without the turkey-slaughter stylings of Miss Wasilla, how could any of us really enjoy Thanksgiving? Here’s the dropout governor of Alaska before she ditched her job for Hollywood. Look how she doesn’t want to touch that filthy animal! Once you’ve gone Neiman Marcus, you can’t go back. So many more beloved holiday traditional videos await you, the thankful American. MORE »

In the days before YouTube, our computers were pretty safe from stuff like this. But, as slaves to audio-visual technology, we must now be exposed to moments best captured by a single photograph — as in turkey pardons of past presidencies — and then quickly forgotten. Here, President Obama again shows his cruel elitism, as he “jokes” about wishing he was doing something other than “pardoning a turkey and sending it to Disneyland.” Maureen Dowd is going to lose her shit. But what about the YouTube commenters? MORE »

No first lady could even fucking imagine making something as wonderful and perfect as your editor’s famous Wonkette’s Actual Awesome Real Cranberry Business. It is one of those things that just blows people away, because they assume it must be so hard to make real cranberry relish because why else would we eat that Jell-o’d aspic glob from the can? IT MUST BE SO HARD. No, it isn’t, so stop whining about everything, for once. MORE »

Here is one for the “chocoholics,” starring Betty Ford! It’s a Chocolate Icebox Dessert, and while it SOUNDS racist, that is just because of all the liquor. MORE »

Whatever the hell “monkey bread” might be — something racist, we assume — it was the thing pill-popping anorexic Nancy Reagan was known to “cook,” at Thanksgiving or whatever. For America, and for Ronnie! Delight the people at the Holiday Table with this splendid treat. MORE »

Here is your bit of “DC gossip” for the day: a Jell-o dessert recipe, for the holiday of Thanksgiving! It is Mamie Eisenhower’s famed Red Scare Thanksgiving Jell-o Dessert and it is best served chilled, to family members you hate. (There is Mamie right there with “friend” Lenora Hickock, feeding each other Jell-O and giggling knowingly.) This vile thing is exactly what the Eisenhowers used to force-feed the Soviets, and it is delicious. MORE »

Some 400 years ago the Pilgrims and Indians dined together to celebrate a bountiful harvest, and then the nice Pilgrims gave the Indians smallpox blankets and killed just about all of them. To commemorate this glorious occurrence in our nation’s history, we get the Thanksgiving holiday, and if you’re sticking around and braving a visit from your family, don’t worry, there will be plenty of things to do in the District. MORE »

Death, it has been omnipresent this annum. Most humans have expired. This datum is known by Mme. Peggington Noonington, a prosemonger famous to children, and regal oligarch wordsmith for the Wall Street Journal banking pamphlet. Peggington did not faceth the Grim Reaper this year. For someone who was born in 1820’s London, in the actual Buckingham Palace, this is rare. It is rare for a human to survive into her ninth score. We know this, we feel this. Peggington: cognizant of this. Now it is Thanks-Giving time. Her Thanks are simple. Puritan. Nay. Catholic. Ahh, Catholicism. To be alive, imbibing the firewater of Bean Extract, moving one’s digits swiftly across the input buttons of a Robot: “I am grateful for a great deal, especially: I’m here. I’m drinking coffee as I write, and the sun is so bright, I had to close the blinds to keep the glare from the computer.” MORE »

Oh hey look it’s the new Thanksgiving video from song-and-dance entertainer Bob Dylan. Can you find the secret list of presidents in this holiday polka? And why does Santa/Dylan leave out our two greatest presidents, Barack Obama and George W. Bush Junior? [YouTube]

THE GREAT THANKSGIVING WARS: “A mob of bargain-crazed cretins smashed down the glass doors of a Long Island Wal-Mart and stomped the life out of a gentle man hired by a temporary agency to mind the store. Across the country in a Palm Desert strip mall, a bloody fistfight between two charming young women ended with two men dead, after a gunfight in the aisles of Toys R Us.” [AOL Political Machine]

There’s a famous teevee event that is apparently still held every Thanksgiving, called the Happy Thanksgiving Parade of Macy’s Store! So it happened again, yesterday, and the Cartoon Network went ahead and cold rick-rolled all the old people watching broadcast television on Thanksgiving morning, instead of cooking food or whatever, pizza pizza!