Death, it has been omnipresent this annum. Most humans have expired. This datum is known by Mme. Peggington Noonington, a prosemonger famous to children, and regal oligarch wordsmith for the Wall Street Journal banking pamphlet. Peggington did not faceth the Grim Reaper this year. For someone who was born in 1820’s London, in the actual Buckingham Palace, this is rare. It is rare for a human to survive into her ninth score. We know this, we feel this. Peggington: cognizant of this. Now it is Thanks-Giving time. Her Thanks are simple. Puritan. Nay. Catholic. Ahh, Catholicism. To be alive, imbibing the firewater of Bean Extract, moving one’s digits swiftly across the input buttons of a Robot: “I am grateful for a great deal, especially: I’m here. I’m drinking coffee as I write, and the sun is so bright, I had to close the blinds to keep the glare from the computer.” MORE »

Oh hey look it’s the new Thanksgiving video from song-and-dance entertainer Bob Dylan. Can you find the secret list of presidents in this holiday polka? And why does Santa/Dylan leave out our two greatest presidents, Barack Obama and George W. Bush Junior? [YouTube]

THE GREAT THANKSGIVING WARS: “A mob of bargain-crazed cretins smashed down the glass doors of a Long Island Wal-Mart and stomped the life out of a gentle man hired by a temporary agency to mind the store. Across the country in a Palm Desert strip mall, a bloody fistfight between two charming young women ended with two men dead, after a gunfight in the aisles of Toys R Us.” [AOL Political Machine]

There’s a famous teevee event that is apparently still held every Thanksgiving, called the Happy Thanksgiving Parade of Macy’s Store! So it happened again, yesterday, and the Cartoon Network went ahead and cold rick-rolled all the old people watching broadcast television on Thanksgiving morning, instead of cooking food or whatever, pizza pizza!

Thanksgiving is the day Americans very briefly pretend to be civilized family people as they gather around a table covered in once-a-year homemade food. The day after Thanksgiving — Black Friday — is when Americans return to their real selves. At 5 a.m. today, outside a Long Island Wal-Mart, a crazed mob busted through the doors and crushed a 34-year-old temporary employee. He died. Four lunatics were injured. [Reuters]

How could we let Thanksgiving end without sharing C.S.A. Colonel Saxby Chambliss and family’s warm regards? What a lovely surprise! And the children! They tell us to vote for their “Big Daddy,” gross. “Big Daddy” responds with a white-knuckled clench of the little girl’s breast. [YouTube]

We want to give our Thanks to you, the Wonkette readers, on this last publishing day before our one-day bank holiday. Earlier, Ken shared a beautiful, warm ‘n’ fuzzy YouTube poem with you, and now it is your male associate editor’s turn. Click the “MORE” thing for a magical, escapist treat that celebrates America and, more importantly, the Pilgrims, whom we honor every year because one night, several hundred years ago, they invited the savages over to their condo for a big dinner. CLICK 4 FUN —> MORE »

“Thanks for a Nation of Finks,” says America’s Poet, William S. Burroughs, in this beloved Thanksgiving Prayer. (It is traditional for the head of household to recite this prayer before the Feast.) [Gus Van Sant/Google Video]

On this Thanksgiving Eve, we want to remind Americans that all presidents have always looked like twits during the annual Turkey Pardon Photo Op — so Barack Obama will make history again as the first president to ever look cool next to these fucking turkeys. Here’s Harry Truman, reportedly forced by the National Turkey Federation to start the dumb tradition, thus ensuring that other popular Thanksgiving main courses of the time — ham, roast beast, parsnips, etc. — would fall by the wayside. The Turkey Industry was the Jack Abramoff of 1947. MORE »

While Barack Obama appoints Mr. Peabody as the Secretary of Science or whatever and no other news happens except the usual daily rain of Great Big Depression statistics, let’s give THX for whatever it is that didn’t go terribly wrong this year (the election, for example!) by sharing our favorite T-day food, beverage and dessert recipes right here, in the comments!

A feature in yesterday’s Washington Post Food section very liberally suggests, with a garish math graphic as its weapon, that Americans should use Thanksgiving as an opporunity to learn about eating “green” and reducing one’s carbon footprint. Behold, the language of the new Obama-style post-socialism: “A holiday all about seasonal food presents a real opportunity to eat sustainably. But making the right choices is more complicated than you think. Should you buy local or organic? Or is what you eat — and how much — more important?” This would be an insanely mockable newspaper item if not for the fact that it’s so boring to read. Just look at the graphic! It’s all, “blah blah blah 92% blah fowl e=C0_2 Al Gore blah fart.” Fortunately, the National Review read it and has published a lengthy response, about the War on Thanksgiving. MORE »