Tag Archives: thanksgiving

  Pretty Sure Jefferson And Adams Never Mentioned Feminazis

Rush Limbaugh’s Crappy Books Will Save Kids From A.P. History

Why teach American history when you can worship it instead?
The Grand Freakout over revisions to the Advanced Placement U.S. History (APUSH) exam continues. As you recall, the College Board’s changes to the APUSH test — which downplay memorization and emphasize more engagement with primary historical texts — have set off all kinds of fretting on the right, which worries that students won’t be told that America is the kindest bravest warmest most wonderful nation that’s ever existed. Read more on Rush Limbaugh’s Crappy Books Will Save Kids From A.P. History…
  God Tells Congressional Aide To Lay Off Teenagers

Klassy GOP Lady Real Sorry For Calling Obama Daughters Skanks

You’ve probably heard by now about the bravest American in America, who bravely shamed first daughters Malia and Sasha Obama for disgracing themselves and America and mom and apple pie by being teenagers, standing around like a couple of teenagers, making bored teenage faces at their dad’s lame dad jokes, like a couple of teenagers. Can you impeach the president’s daughters? Or at least sue them or something? They’re repeat offenders, even. Read more on Klassy GOP Lady Real Sorry For Calling Obama Daughters Skanks…
  The War On Christmas May Commence

Thanksgiving Ain’t Over Until The Turkey Tetrazzini Sings

Do you still have turkey leftovers? Great. Let’s get rid of it already, with the American comfort classic Turkey Tetrazzini. It’s a pasta casserole with mushrooms, leftover turkey, frozen peas, and a cream sauce. You can do a shortcut and just use Campbell’s condensed cream of mushroom soup instead of the cream sauce, you lazy fuck. We’ll only include photos of the final product so you can guess in the comments whether we made the sauce ourselves or used canned soup. Read more on Thanksgiving Ain’t Over Until The Turkey Tetrazzini Sings…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah’s Having A Cyber Monday Sale For All Her Crap

It’s Cyber Monday, YOU GUYS, and the Sarah Palin Channel is bringin’ you more hot online deals than you can shake a snow machine at! You guys all know Cyber Monday, right? It’s the day when all us lazy millennial types stop sexting for two goddamn seconds and buy all of our Christmas presents online, rather than trample one another at Wal-Mart like George Washington did. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah’s Having A Cyber Monday Sale For All Her Crap…
  Black Friday Special

Use Up That Canned Cranberry Sauce, With Booze!

Even if you make Ken Layne’s Aunt Wonkette’s Real Cranberry Business every year, chances are good that you still put can of the jellied cranberry sauce on your fine china to complete the spread on your Thanksgiving table, strictly for looks. Then, tradition demands that you put it in a ziploc bag and leave it in the fridge until the week before Christmas, never using it. Tradition be damned! We’re making cocktails! Read more on Use Up That Canned Cranberry Sauce, With Booze!…
  Show us on the turkey where your family hurt you

Holiday Horror Stories: Tell Us Why Your Family Is THE WORST

Not intended to be a factual Thanksgiving
Are you having a nice Merry Thanksgiving? Cooking up all those delicious Thanksgiving recipe hub recipes what we made for you to make? Watching some beers, drinking some sportsball with your nearest and dearest? Maybe you are, and good for you! In which case, what are you doing here? Go away and be with your family, sheesh. Read more on Holiday Horror Stories: Tell Us Why Your Family Is THE WORST…
  And What About All Those Red Indians?

No, Mr. Limbaugh, Thanksgiving Has Never Been A Celebration Of The Pilgrims’ Triumph Over Socialism

The Platonic Ideal Of Cheesy Thanksgiving Photos
It’s Thanksgiving Day, so as we gather together with (or hide from) our families, however functional or dysfunctional they may be, let us remember the true meaning of any American holiday: It’s an opportunity to pound home a political lesson about why We Are Good and They Are Bad. It’s a revered grim tradition: You serve Susan Stamberg’s socialist NPR cranberry relish, and your Teabagger brother-in-law recites how the settlers of Plymouth Plantation nearly starved because they had socialism forced upon them, but finally prospered after they became capitalists. Here’s a fairly typical version of the story that was emailed to our Wonkette tip line in 2012; the story was also a favorite of Rep. Todd “Shut that down” Akin, and in 2013, Rush Limbaugh wrote a best-selling children’s book promoting the same fantasy. Read more on No, Mr. Limbaugh, Thanksgiving Has Never Been A Celebration Of The Pilgrims’ Triumph Over Socialism…
  for john dillinger

A Nation Of Finks: Your William S. Burroughs Thanksgiving Prayer 2014

A holiday tradition
We began posting this Thanksgiving Prayer by William S. Burroughs and Gus Van Sant back in 2006, and a lot of things have changed since then. The deadpan list of Bloody American Triumphs sounds less like sarcasm in our Terrible Year of the Lord 2014, and more like an elegy. Read more on A Nation Of Finks: Your William S. Burroughs Thanksgiving Prayer 2014…
  How to do holiday sexxytime

Dr. Ruth’s Thanksgiving Sex Tips, For Thanksgiving Sex

You know what goes great with Thanksgiving? Sex! Here’s our national treasure, Dr. Ruth Westheimer, with some helpful sexxytime tips for how to do Thanksgiving sex on Thanksgiving. Feel free to share your Thanksgiving sex tips for Thanksgiving sex on Thanksgiving in the comments. We won’t judge. Probably. Read more on Dr. Ruth’s Thanksgiving Sex Tips, For Thanksgiving Sex…
  also a cooking blog

Nostalgic Repost Of Repasts Past: The Jell-O Recipe That Mamie Eisenhower Used To Win The Cold War

Another Wonkette Thanksgiving Classic, for Thanksgiving. And America. Here is your bit of “DC gossip” for the day: a Jell-O dessert recipe, for the holiday of Thanksgiving! It is Mamie Eisenhower’s famed Red Scare Thanksgiving Jell-o Dessert and it is best served chilled, to family members you hate. (There is Mamie right there with “friend” Lenora Hickok, feeding each other Jell-O and giggling knowingly.) This vile thing is exactly what the Eisenhowers used to force-feed the Soviets, and it is delicious. Read more on Nostalgic Repost Of Repasts Past: The Jell-O Recipe That Mamie Eisenhower Used To Win The Cold War…
  thanksgiving at the corner

Let Us Now Praise Famous K-Lo Recipes: Carcass Stuffed With 10 Hamburgers

Happy Anus Burger-Turkey Day!
Important National Review Online pundit Kathryn Jean Lopez only really gets excited twice a year: When she makes up another excuse to get people to send her a bunch of porn, and when Thanksgiving comes around so she can post a Real American recipe involving ten smashed-up anus burgers stuck up the body cavity of some factory farm turkey. Read more on Let Us Now Praise Famous K-Lo Recipes: Carcass Stuffed With 10 Hamburgers…
  wonkette thanksgiving classics

Making Thanksgiving ‘Monkey Bread’ With Nancy Reagan

Enjoy this Wonkette Holiday Classic recipe all over again, as though The Gipper was still wandering around somewhere. Whatever the hell “monkey bread” might be — something racist, we assume — it was the thing our favorite first lady Nancy Reagan was known to “cook,” at Thanksgiving or whatever. For America, and for Ronnie! Delight the people at the Holiday Table with this splendid treat. Read more on Making Thanksgiving ‘Monkey Bread’ With Nancy Reagan…
  beloved traditions

Put Some Food On Your Family With Aunt Wonkette’s Real Cranberry Business

The following is our annual repost of Ken Layne’s Real Cranberry Business, because when we bought this bitch we bought the archives too. One hundred and seventy two years from now, “Ken Layne” will be retelling his cranberry business recipe … from the grave! So enjoy this re-post of this Holiday Favorite from 2009: Read more on Put Some Food On Your Family With Aunt Wonkette’s Real Cranberry Business…
  Shame Hasn't Worked. How About Sharing?

Let’s Put Some Food On People

Happily, such scenes are a thing of the distant past
We at your Recipe Hub are monsters who like to play in butter all day, but the payout is being able to share our meals. Few things make me happier than putting food inside of people, especially because they are hungry and even more so because they need it. With that in mind, and with Thanksgiving around the corner, Yr Wonkette wants to share some important information about food banks. Read more on Let’s Put Some Food On People…
  Here have some news n stuff

Thomas Jefferson Cosplay Will Not Save Your Job

Shockingly, this outfit is not a persuasive argument
Remember when we told you about one Ira Dennis Hawver Esquire JD, who appeared before the Kansas Supreme Court dressed up as Thomas Jefferson? And no, he wasn’t kidding. He was there to beg the court not to disbar him for being a terrible, awful THE WORST lawyer, and he figured if his words didn’t sway the court, surely the wig would. (How terrible? Terrible enough to admit that he didn’t even bother trying to appropriately defend his client facing the death penalty, because he didn’t understand how cell phones work. So instead, he tried to reverse-psychology the jury by claiming his client was SO badass, if he had killed anyone, he would have killed off any witnesses too. Ergo, innocent!) Turns out, despite ye olde costume, the court was unpersuaded: Read more on Thomas Jefferson Cosplay Will Not Save Your Job…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

A Responsible Gun Owner Thanksgiving

Not related to the story but CUTE.
With the annual Harvest Feast nearly upon us, when we give thanks for all our blessings, especially the Second Amendment, which makes all other blessings possible, let’s take a quick look at how America’s Responsible Gun Owners are keeping themselves safe from crime and preventing tyranny. Read more on A Responsible Gun Owner Thanksgiving…
  Stuff it!

Eat Stuffed Celery Until The Feast Is Ready

Here’s an American-style vegetable dish for your Thanksgiving pre-feast noshing. It’s celery! Stuffed with cream cheese*, mostly. This Thanksgiving classic goes great with cocktails, so keep the recipe in mind next time you throw a party. Also, discuss in the comments your favorite cocktail to have before the holiday feast. The Buffalo-style variant we’ll discuss is also great football-watching snack any time you’re watching the football. Read more on Eat Stuffed Celery Until The Feast Is Ready…
 

Buttercup Squash Pie To Bring To Thanksgiving Dinner

Just last week, you were so excited to have a recipe for a classic and delicious appetizer to bring to Thanksgiving to wow all the old ladies in your family. Then you were talking to your Thanksgiving host, and you made the mistake of being polite and asking if there is anything you can bring. And she said, “Oh, you’re so thoughtful; something for dessert would be great!” So demanding! Do not fret. Today we share with you (for you to share with your friends on social media) a Buttercup Squash Pie recipe, so you can say, “As you wish.” Read more on Buttercup Squash Pie To Bring To Thanksgiving Dinner…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Mission Implausible

Welcome to yet another Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we hose off our browser and serve up a cocktail of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a full post of their own. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Mission Implausible…
  that metaphor was just asking for trouble

Tea Party Nation Says Defending Obamacare Is Exactly Like Excusing Rape (Which Obamacare Is Worser Than)

Tea Party Nation president Judson Philips, the genius who had a cunning plan to use the Constitution to subvert the 2012 election (except it was unconstitutional), has tired of comparing Obamacare to Nazi Germany, so instead, he’s now comparing it to rape. Next week, maybe Obamacare will be the Ebola virus. Philips emailed the group’s membership this charming article by Darwin Rockantansky that explains that rape is never justified (good for him!) and that it is the height of awfulness to claim that rape is enjoyable for the victim. What an excellent feminist he is! Rockantansky notes that on the teevee program Law And Order: SVU, accused rapists often try to rationalize their actions by imagining that their victims were asking for it, or were being seductive, or enjoyed the experience. At what point does rape become a pleasurable experience for the victim? And whom among us are not revolted and angered by such nonsense? And whom among us are willing to believe that if we “Just lay back and don’t fight it you will inevitably enjoy it.”? And the “IT” that I am referring to here is “Obamacare”. The Obama Regime is encouraging people to become the evangelists for Obamacare in their own family and social groups over Thanks Giving dinner. Their message is truly quite simple: Lie back and quit fighting and eventually you will enjoy the experience. Oh, dear. Um. Sure, Darwin Rockantansky, we invite you to read your essay aloud at the next meeting of the Twitter Feminists’ Alliance. (We have a feeling that you are not an ally.) Read more on Tea Party Nation Says Defending Obamacare Is Exactly Like Excusing Rape (Which Obamacare Is Worser Than)…
  every flavor but pinkie

Obamas Have 9 Kinds Of Pie For Thanksgiving, Wingnuts Outraged

We guess Barack Obama must have mentioned God in his Thanksgiving proclamation this year, since we haven’t seen a million angry blog posts bitching about it. (And there it is — “we rise or fall as one Nation, under God” — a blatant attempt to make up for his Gettysburg libel, too.*) Thankfully, even if they can’t trot out the “war on religion” trope, wingnuts can still accuse the Obamas of being Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette, because as has been widely reported, the White House served nine types of pie at Thanksgiving this year — or as the Daily Mail headline put it, “NINE different types of pie.” This is of course the worst sort of hypocrisy, since 1) No other president has eaten well while some Americans were unemployed and 2) Michelle promotes healthy eating, but for a holiday dinner they didn’t eat only kale and rice cakes. Read more on Obamas Have 9 Kinds Of Pie For Thanksgiving, Wingnuts Outraged…
  And What About All Those Red Indians?

Sorry, Mr. Limbaugh, Thanksgiving Has Never Been A Celebration Of The Pilgrims’ Triumph Over Socialism

It’s Thanksgiving Day, so as we gather together with (or hide from) our families, however functional or dysfunctional they may be, let us remember the true meaning of any American holiday: It’s an opportunity to pound home a political lesson about why We Are Good and They Are Bad. It’s a revered grim tradition: You serve Susan Stamberg’s socialist NPR cranberry relish, and your Teabagger brother-in-law recites how the settlers of Plymouth Plantation nearly starved because they had socialism forced upon them, but finally prospered after they became capitalists. Here’s a fairly typical version of the story that was emailed to our Wonkette tip line last year; the story was also a favorite of Rep. Todd “Shut that down” Akin, and now Rush Limbaugh has a best-selling children’s book promoting the same fantasy. Happily, there are a couple of good debunkings of this idiocy, although they probably won’t carry much weight with teahadis, since they come from the radical communist New York Times and the Marxist-Trotskyist-Muslim-Gangnam-Style Right Wing Watch. Should culture war break out around the dinner table, you may just want to say you got your rebuttals from Paul Harvey. Then when they go to look it up on their smartphone, you can spill gravy on it. Be sure to apologize. (We got that tactic from Saul Alinsky.) Read more on Sorry, Mr. Limbaugh, Thanksgiving Has Never Been A Celebration Of The Pilgrims’ Triumph Over Socialism…