Tag Archives: thad cochran

  Oh lord

Pat Robertson Still Worried You’re Gonna Gay-Bang Your Dog

We figured televangelist scamster Pat Robertson would have been raptured by now, what with the Gaypocalypse and all. But nah, he is making words, still, on the teevee, with his 213-year-old senile talking hole. Sure, they are mostly nonsense words, because of how he is 213 and also senile. That’s why he always has a hapless lady sidekick to explain his answers to the viewing audience at home, like when he says he raced his sports car in the mountains at TWO hundred miles per hour, and the sidekick nervously laughs and says he probably means ONE hundred miles per hour, ha … ha … ha … and holy sweet fucking Jesus, she’s thinking to herself, this job sucks. Read more on Pat Robertson Still Worried You’re Gonna Gay-Bang Your Dog…
  Thanks Texas

Your 2014 Legislative Sh*tmuffin (National Division): Oh Right It’s Ted Cruz For A Change

Just being a good Christian
2014 was the year when Senator Ted Cruz (R-Alberta) officially renounced his Canadian citizenship and became a true American. It was also the year when Cruz made his first successful title defense of Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award (National Division). How else did Ted save the soul of America this year? Let’s Wonksplore! Read more on Your 2014 Legislative Sh*tmuffin (National Division): Oh Right It’s Ted Cruz For A Change…
  Whip S-M-R-T

Maybe Steve Scalise Had Excellent Reasons For Talking To A Hate Group, You Never Know

Bobby Jindal offers his exorcism skills
We’re still passing the popcorn around while we watch House Majority Whip Steve Scalise’s political career implode over the news that he spoke to a white supremacist group run by David Duke in 2002. We’re still at that early stage of the Scandal Process where it looks like he’s doomed, but damage control may still be possible, so let’s see who’s spinning what. Can this turd be polished? Read more on Maybe Steve Scalise Had Excellent Reasons For Talking To A Hate Group, You Never Know…
  Rest In Peace

Chuck C. Johnson Decries Lack of Deathbed Apology From Rose Cochran

Thad Cochran, dwarfed by his own hands, celebrates his primary win
Rose Cochran, the wife of Mississippi Republican Sen. Thad Cochran, died at a hospice facility in Ridgeland, Mississippi, Friday at the age of 73. She had been at the center of one of the most bizarre episodes of the 2014 elections, although she was blessedly unaware of it. Read more on Chuck C. Johnson Decries Lack of Deathbed Apology From Rose Cochran…
  Mississippi Derping

Chris McDaniel’s Lawyer Fingers Himself

I see fraud people -- everywhere!
Mississippi sore loserman Chris McDaniel’s team just KNOWS that the June 24 Senate primary vote was rigged against him, and so it has been combing all the voting records to list every possible “irregular” vote and insisting they be tossed so that he can be the Republican nominee for Senate this fall, instead of doddering critterdiddler Thad Cochran. Among the votes that McDaniel wants tossed are those cast by McDaniel’s own lawyer, Mitchell H. “Mitch” Tyner Sr., and his wife, Sloane Tyler. Those two obvious fraudsters are on a long list of sketchy votes in an affadavit submitted to Cochran’s lawyers by McDaniel’s legal team, which is headed by Mitchell H. “Mitch” Tyner Sr., the big fraud. Read more on Chris McDaniel’s Lawyer Fingers Himself…
  motion to quash

An Amicus Brief For Award-Winning Journalist Chuck C. Johnson By The Wonket Legal Team Of Idiots

Monkey court! Dog and Pony show!
Wonket Legal has been alerted to a possible threat to the freedom of dumb speech (which, while distinguished from non-dumb speech, is still a kind of speech). Charles C. Johnson, Mississippi’s award-winning reporter on the nursing home break-in beat, has been ordered by a grand jury to disclose some details of the shoddy workmanship that goes into cobbling together his rickety news-shack GotNews.com. It seems that one of Mr. Johnson’s paid sources for his MEGASCOOP story of the year, a Mississippi “pastor” who supposedly bought votes from African-American Democrats to help incumbent Thad Cochran win his Senate primary runoff, might have fabricated his accusations for money from various people as part of an effort to get sore loser tea partier Chris McDaniel a new election or, even better, have the state GOP just hand him the nomination. Read more on An Amicus Brief For Award-Winning Journalist Chuck C. Johnson By The Wonket Legal Team Of Idiots…
  Mississippi Derping

We Are Starting To Think The Mississippi Republican Senate Race Might Be A Bit Of A Clusterfuque

Let us take a quick peek at the ongoing clusterfuck that is the race to be the Republican Senate nominee from Mississippi, which has already brought us so many laughs. There was Tea Party candidate Chris McDaniel playing footsie with neo-Confederates, and senile old Thad Cochran’s discovery that black people not only exist but also have the right to vote. (In Thad’s defense, he was already old and senile when the 15th Amendment passed.) There were allegations from blogger and living Garbage Pail Kid Charles C. Johnson that the Cochran campaign paid black voters $15 each to turn out and vote for Thad in the runoff election that followed the initial primary. Finally, just this week the McDaniel campaign demanded that the Republican Party throw out the election results and declare its candidate Supreme Emperor or something, because how is it fair that he lost just because he received fewer votes? Read more on We Are Starting To Think The Mississippi Republican Senate Race Might Be A Bit Of A Clusterfuque…
  I want a Senate seat NOW!!!!

Sore Loserman Chris McDaniel Demands Mississippi GOP Give Him Senate Seat, Because

Actual picture of Chris McDaniel
Remember that time waaaaay back in June when Mississippi Republicans had a Senate primary race, and the teabagger favorite, state Sen. Chris McDaniel — who sure is an interesting fella with really nice, totally-not-racist supporters — lost to sitting Sen. Thad Cochran, and everyone said, “Yup, that’s what we thought would happen,” and moved on with their lives? Read more on Sore Loserman Chris McDaniel Demands Mississippi GOP Give Him Senate Seat, Because…
  gonna need a bigger vote

Ted Cruz Simply Does Not Care For All These Black People Voting Republican

Smirking asshat Ted Cruz brought his inimitable gravitas to the Mississippi Senate primary (on the day that the vote was certified by the state’s Republican party, naturally), agreeing with losing loser Chris McDaniel that there’s no way Thad Cochran really won the Republican primary, because a lot of “liberal Democrats” voted for Cochran in the state’s open primary run-off. There had to be massive fraud, after all, and Ted Cruz is appalled, because Chris McDaniel totally deserved to win the election. But Cochran went and exploited an obscure loophole in the state’s primary system, which allows just anyone to vote, like the time in 2003 when Chris McDaniel voted in the Democratic primary. So Ted Cruz is demanding an investigation, because there just has to be something fishy about Cochran winning with the help of Democrats voting blackly legally but for the wrong guy. Read more on Ted Cruz Simply Does Not Care For All These Black People Voting Republican…
  in every generation there is a chosen one

You Will Never Believe This, You Guys, But Chris McDaniel Supporters Might Be Racist

Let’s just wander over and check in on the ongoing car crash train wreck that is the Mississippi Senate race, shall we? Did Chris McDaniel ever even concede? If he did, his own supporters would probably tear him limb from limb, because they are a pack of rabid dogs, basically. Leading the pack would likely be living breathing Mr. Potato Head blogger Chuck C. Johnson. Tuesday, Johnson got Daily Breitbart or one of those rightwing blatherblogs (his own rightwing blatherblog we guess? unclear because “not paying attention”) to publish his completely unsourced “story” about the black pastor that totally boughted up some black people to vote for Thad Cochran yep sure. Wednesday, he was likely the mastermind — we use the term very loosely — behind a Thad Cochran press call descending into complete and utter chaos. Read more on You Will Never Believe This, You Guys, But Chris McDaniel Supporters Might Be Racist…
  gun fun with glenn

Totally Rational Behavior: Glenn Beck Shoots Things So He Feels Better About Chris McDaniel’s Loss

We knew there would be some maximum sadmad from the super-right about Chris McDaniel’s loss in the Mississippi Senate primary to Thad Cochran on Tuesday, a loss only made possible by meddling black people, and we really should have held a contest to see who would be the derpiest. Haha of course we didn’t need to do that because it is Glenn Beck today, Glenn Beck tomorrow, Glenn Beck forever. Read more on Totally Rational Behavior: Glenn Beck Shoots Things So He Feels Better About Chris McDaniel’s Loss…
  tears of the clowns

Chris McDaniel Pretty Sure Zombie Ronald Reagan Doesn’t Think Thad Cochran Won

We stayed up late last night just to make sure we could maximize our intake of sweet Tea Party tears over Chris McDaniel losing the GOP primary to incumbent Mississippi Senator Thad Cochran. McDaniel had proved to be a reliable source of ridiculous, but even with that we will not be sorry to see him go, especially because this entire thing made us feel like we had to defend Thad Cochran, which made us feel like we needed to take a Silkwood shower. We know that Cochran’s victory means that he cruises to victory in November, but right now we’re just going to laugh ourselves silly listening to all the half-angry/half-sad trombone noises coming from the Tea Party friends of McDaniel. Read more on Chris McDaniel Pretty Sure Zombie Ronald Reagan Doesn’t Think Thad Cochran Won…
  Mississippi Derping

Mississippi Teabaggers Will Be On Lookout For Scary Negro Voters In Primary Runoff

Tomorrow is the runoff election for the Great Mississippi Ratfuck — aka the Republican Senate Primary — between Terrible Old Clueless Thad Cochran and up-and-coming neoconfederate grifterweasel Chris McDaniel. Needless to say, it’s managing to remain horrible right up to the very end! In an effort to get someone, anyone to vote for him, Cochran has been reaching out to black voters, and so McDaniel supporters are getting ready to march to the polls to protect them from interfering Democrats who shouldn’t be messing with a Republican primary — even though it’s an open primary, and the only people disqualified from voting in it would be those who already voted in the Democratic primary. Mind you, it’s not about race, because it is never about race. Read more on Mississippi Teabaggers Will Be On Lookout For Scary Negro Voters In Primary Runoff…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Jenna Bush Has A Posse — And They’re Big Jerk Babies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the feature where we bring you the very best of the worst detritus that’s clung to our browser tabs all week. We find the stories that are too short for a full post but too stupid to ignore altogether and serve them up to you in a delicious frothy blend — add whatever brain solvents you may need to help digest them. Read more on Derp Roundup: Jenna Bush Has A Posse — And They’re Big Jerk Babies…
  the beast years of our lives

‘Sad Thad’ Cochran Reminisces About Simple Joys Of Childhood, Like Sexing Animals

Well gosh darn it, Thad Cochran, you are just a good ol’ fountain of fine video clips today, now aren’t you? First we see that you have no idea who this “House Majority Leader” fella is who lost his primary — Errant Condor, was it? And now there’s this tape of you telling a bunch of nice folks in Hattiesburg about your animal-sexin’ ways when you were but a wee tad of a Thad. Sen. Cochran, we do believe you have lost the thread somewhere, is what. Read more on ‘Sad Thad’ Cochran Reminisces About Simple Joys Of Childhood, Like Sexing Animals…
  i say -- i say what in tarnation son!

Old Clueless ‘Sad Thad’ Cochran Is Old, Clueless, Sad

Here is sad old Mississippi Sen. ‘Sad Thad’ Cochran, two full days after the Stunning Virginia Primary Upset That Changed The American Political Landscape Forever, politely admitting that he has no idea whatsoever about the result, since “I haven’t really followed that campaign very closely.” After all, it’s just another House campaign, why would anyone want to talk about THAT? Read more on Old Clueless ‘Sad Thad’ Cochran Is Old, Clueless, Sad…