texas
It is Election Season, which means that every legislative agenda item across America is now required to pointlessly pander to everyone’s weirdest fears by passing laws against stupid things like “saying Sharia Law while riding an escalator” or “explaining to children that gay people exist.” But Texas, because it is Bigger at Everything, wants to [...]
The Mexicans might be taking over the rest of America with their anchor babies and their Taco Bells, but God help Texas GOP Sen. Chris Harris if they will try to oppress him with their devil language while he is at work trying to oppress them. Texas lawmakers are busy trying to pass an Arizona-style [...]
Texas Governor Rick Perry’s National “Prayer-a-palooza” abdication ceremony is now officially doomed to failure, because Rick Perry has been holding out on God in the financial department by a serious margin. Rick Perry earned $2.68 million from 2000 to 2009, of which he donated 0.5% to charity. Regular Americans donate an average of 1.2% of [...]
Texas Governor Rick Perry has declared he can’t solve the state’s problems, so from now on official government policy is “pray, everybody.” Perry is holding a day of fasting and prayer called “The Response” at a sports stadium in Houston on August 6th, which everyone can now consider the “effective date” for God’s taking over [...]
Wingnut oppression alert! A judge has banned a high school in San Antonio from using certain religious words at its graduation ceremony, after an agnostic student filed suit claiming he would suffer “irreparable harm” if he had to sit through that. We don’t blame him! But the school’s valedictorian is insisting that she needs to [...]
As every other “serious GOP candidate” but Mitt Romney decides they don’t want to lose to Obama next year, Rick Perry has been sitting in his office in Texas wondering if maybe this is the way God is telling him to run for president. After all, Rick is a white Christian of the approved Tex-American [...]
The state of Texas is understandably not very good at balancing its budget when an economy like this comes along, because it doesn’t care for book-learnin’ things like accounting, and would much rather spend its time perfecting its shooting-a-gun-in-the-air-indiscriminately skills. Unfortunately, it will have to eventually, but Texans are busy shooting their guns in the [...]
A Houston high school teacher found a great way to talk about the exciting news of Osama bin Laden’s killing: He told a Muslim girl in his ninth grade algebra class, “I bet you’re grieving.” Ha ha, just a topical joke! And then he added, “Hey, algebra is Muslim, too. I bet algebra is grieving.” [...]
And then he adds with an earnest, butter-wouldn’t-melt smile: “You want high taxes and an onerous regulatory climate, that’s your choice.” As he says this, he swivels around excitedly in his desk chair, the cuffs of his trousers hiking up to reveal a pair of cowboy boots emblazoned “Liberty” and “Freedom.” He likes to call [...]
Instead of the gold standard, Dr. Robert Paul probably wants to let the U.S. go on the fetus standard, because he refuses to do anything about it. “I’m honored that people think I’m ready to run, but I think they want me to run because I’m related to Ron Paul,” said Paul, who has a [...]
Good morning, dead baby dolphins! It’s hard to believe that today marks the first anniversary of the Gulf of Mexico being poisoned forever. Does anyone even remember what the Gulf was like before murdered sea creatures started washing up on the beaches? Or what little children used to play with and get cancer from before [...]
The great thing about writing over-the-top joke exaggerations about America is that often they come true! For example, just this morning we were sarcastically criticizing Jan Brewer for failing to extend gun rights to kindergartners who need to open fire on their classmates. Then, about an hour and half after we posted that, a six-year-old [...]
Now a third Paul — Robert, a doctor who runs a family medical practice in Benbrook and lives in Fort Worth — is mulling a congressional bid of his own. After campaigning for his father, most notably giving speeches during the elder Paul’s 2008 presidential bid, Robert Paul is considering whether to jump into the [...]
