Texas GOP clown Pete Sessions last made the news when he suggested the doomed Republicans become more like the Taliban. As the modern Republican is already a fundamentalist nut who buggers little boys, hates science, fears women and constantly fantasizes about being killed for/by God, the only thing left was for the remaining wingnuts to move into caves, with their tea bags and their goats. And this may well have happened, as only 21% of Americans reachable by telephone now admit to being Republican. Anyway, now Pete Sessions is saying Obama is intentionally (and magically) causing both unemployment and a decline in the stock markets. True, maybe?! MORE »

In this blurry, repulsive frame from actual Texas state government video shot today, a couple of sex-creep furries are standing/sitting around some Texas state representatives. BUT WAIT IT IS WORSE THAN THAT. While it has become all too common to see filthy furries in their filthy semen-encrusted fur-suits at any number of political events or legislative hearings touching upon themes of animals past or present, this is the first time the legislators themselves were the furries — yes, the dino-furries pictures here are, in fact, Rep. Mike Hamilton(R-Mauriceville) and Rep. Mark Homer (D-Paris). MORE »

Hey didn’t you secede or something? “AUSTIN — Gov. Rick Perry today in a precautionary measure requested the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) provide 37,430 courses of antiviral medications from the Strategic National Stockpile to Texas to prevent the spread of swine flu. Currently, three cases of swine flu have been confirmed in Texas.” [San Marcos Record]

Texas Rep. Joe Barton has been harnessing all of the momentum he built up the other day when he kicked the everlasting fuck out of that Chinese science fag, “Choo Choo,” with his mind powers. According to the Sierra Club hippies, Barton followed up yesterday with this uber-pwnage: “Rep. Joe Barton (R-TX) says Americans will only drive hybrids under military force: Barton not only said that hybrids don’t pay for themselves over time, which isn’t true, but he said that Americans will only drive them when forced to do so by the government, ‘backed by the army.’” It’s hilarious how close Joe Barton pushes the limit but always stops just before shouting “I LITERALLY DO WHATEVER THE OIL COMPANIES TELL ME TO DO.” And yes, the military will make us drive gay robot cars, for Gaia. [Sierra Club]

Fine, Austin is “okay.” And lightly populated West Texas is very nice, what with Big Bend National Park and the Mexican town of El Paso and whatever, as it’s really part of the Southwest. But Texas, that dipshit dismal swamp between, oh, Dallas and Corpus Christi, where the vast majority of the Texans live? It’s just the fucking South. A dumb, toxic shithole that produces little more than incredible assholes, many of whom then insist on taking part in American life. The last “good” Texan in politics was LBJ, and he was a goddamned monster. So, here is the new commercial. Good-bye, Texas! Thanks for all the laffs. (You can take the rest of the South with you.) [YouTube via Wonkette Operative "TGM."]

Despite Governor Rick Perry’s tuff talk, it appears that most Texans are inclined to remain United States citizens. Boo! A Rasmussen survey shows that a mere 18 percent of residents are willing to throw off the shackles of federal tax slavery and go it alone as a moderately sized First World nation sandwiched between the prosperous US and the feudal anarchist drug-state of Mexico. Oh well. [Rasmussen Reports]

We feel somewhat guilty (not really, we are exhausted, jesus…) that we haven’t been able to thoroughly comb through the hundreds or thousands of photos you wonderful humans sent your Wonkette today, but this one DEMANDED immediate posting. “Taylor in Texas” writes: “Today has been a day of great hilarity, but not everything about it has been funny. There was a great tragedy at the Denton, Texas Teabagging party today. I took a picture of a cowboy riding a motorized plastic pig, and it turned out blurry!” It doesn’t matter! A foto of this caliber could be a four-pixel pink-and-sandstone blur, and it would still destroy. AND NEVER FORGET: Teablogging.net and Shorts× 3 have more, more, MORE.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry is such a badass, right, and he doesn’t like it when those incompetent fucktards in Washington start fucking around with his Texas fucking budget. Ever heard of the 10th Amendment, about how states are responsible for powers not granted to the federal government? Well go suck a dick, Obama, cause Rick Perry went out of his way today to support a non-binding House resolution that fucking says right there, right there on the first page, that the 10th Amendment is… just a really good Amendment, motherfuckers. He supports it. Rick Perry supports that fucking shit. MORE »

Rick Perry has been governor of Texas for approx. 45 million years, ever since George W. Bush left office to be president. And he will serve for another 45 million years if he wins his next re-election attempt — a feat that, like all feats Republicans perform these days, hinges on attracting the endorsement of the Floridian mind-controlling swamp demon Rush Limbaugh. MORE »

• OF COURSE HER NAME IS ‘BETTY BROWN’: “The Texas Democratic Party demanded an apology Wednesday from state Rep. Betty Brown, R-Terrell for suggesting Asian-descent voters should adopt names that are ‘easier for Americans to deal with.’” Soon everybody in Terrell will have comically implausible names like “Sara Smith.” [Houston Chronicle]

Wonkette operative “Miriam H.” sends us this historic photo of our nation’s greatest president, George W. Bush, at a Texas baseball game today, where he threw out the first pitch. He is looking east at Mecca because it is that time of day. This is the closest a Wonkette operative has ever gotten to George W. Bush — THAT WE KNOW OF. Gross.