Hooray! Paultards Constructing Gated Paultard City
Saturday, March 22nd, 2008
This lovely hamlet is a blueprint of the first proposed Paulville community, as created on Sim City 2000 MyMiniCity, and doesn’t it look Free! The Paultard-only “Paulville” is a hasty step to take, since Ron Paul still has an 80% chance of winning the Republican nomination and becoming president for life, again. Maybe it’s just a contingency plan, but here is how they describe the project on its website: “The goal of Paulville.org it to establish gated communities containing 100% Ron Paul supporters and or People that live by the ideals of freedom and liberty.” Many supporters have latched onto the first considered Paulville, in rural Texas, where they can hide from the Sheeple and elect Ron Paul president of the post office and World of Warcraft for centuries. MORE »
This lovely hamlet is a blueprint of the first proposed Paulville community, as created on Sim City 2000 MyMiniCity, and doesn’t it look Free! The Paultard-only “Paulville” is a hasty step to take, since Ron Paul still has an 80% chance of winning the Republican nomination and becoming president for life, again. Maybe it’s just a contingency plan, but here is how they describe the project on its website: “The goal of Paulville.org it to establish gated communities containing 100% Ron Paul supporters and or People that live by the ideals of freedom and liberty.” Many supporters have latched onto the first considered Paulville, in rural Texas, where they can hide from the Sheeple and elect Ron Paul president of the post office and World of Warcraft for centuries. MORE »
Even though Hillary Clinton is doomed to lose the delegate count in Texas, she insists that the Texas Democratic Party verify every signature from its caucus ballots before the state Senate district conventions in order to confirm her official losingness. You see, the twisted intestinal tract called “the Democratic voting process in Texas” intentionally allows opportunities for fraud at virtually every step of the process, and Clinton wants to make sure every on of these opportunities is taken. Or is it the opposite? We are confused, again. 
Nobody likes former pretend Congresswoman Shelley Sekula Gibbs: not her staff, who walked out on her shortly after she came into Congress in 2006 for her seven-week reign of terror as Tom DeLay’s replacement; not the voters, who opted for Democrat Nick Lampson that year rather than suffer the agonies of spelling her name correctly on a write-in ballot; and not even her fellow Republicans, who now heartily endorse her opponent in 
Remember Hillary Clinton’s big win in Texas due to her ability to answer the phone at 3 a.m. because her husband’s getting sucked off by a fat gal in the Oval Office again? Well, those ads were actually shown in Ohio, and also Barack Obama is handily beating Hillary Clinton, 99 delegates to 95 delegates. What the hell? 
After all the talk about Rush Limbaugh tipping the Texas primaries in Hillary Clinton’s favor, it looks like Barack Obama may have been the candidate stealing Republican votes. New analysis reveals that Republicans favored Obama by 53-49 percent over Clinton. This proves that Obama cannot be the Democratic Presidential nominee because he is a sellout. [
After Clinton’s big win Tuesday night, she pulled in over $3 million on Wednesday, and now wants another $3 million today. Hurrah! Now, Hillary: you need to tell Patti Solis Doyle that she can’t order those $24 million “top shelf margaritas” at the Reagan Airport TGI Friday’s anymore! IT’S JUST CUERVO AND SHE SHOULD KNOW THAT. [via 
The Texas Caucus will never be decided, and not because of some Diebold terrorist glitch, either. No, it is because old people don’t know the meaning of “transgendered,” and when caucus officials tried to explain it to them last night due to ballot confusion, the old people cursed them out and refused to give any gender at all. As our secret Texas caucus official operative “Bob” notes, “Democratic officials must now determine whether caucusers who refused to properly disclose this information must be disqualified.” 
Hillary is about to lose the state of Texas and also the nomination for President, because nobody likes a failure. If Barack Obama gains four thousandths of one percent of the primary vote in Texas’ Senate District 19, where 14 precincts have yet to report, Hillary Clinton’s overall primary delegate count will slip to 64 versus Obama’s 62. In other words, she will lose by not winning enough. 
Hooray for Hillary — she won Texas and Ohio yesterday but made absolutely no inroads into Obama’s insurmountable pledged delegate lead! What’s next? According to everyone’s favorite senior adviser Harold Ickes, pledged delegates don’t matter, because they are not bound and will vote for Clinton when Obama is revealed to be behind 9/11 & terror. 
Now that John McCain is the official Republican Presidential nominee, it’s time to think about who will be his Vice President. When this question first arose several weeks ago, names like 
We’ve been so busy with the crucial Chris Peden/Paultards and Obama/Hillary races that we totally neglected to write about the true winners in Texas: People who like to legally own their various dildos and sex devices. A federal appeals court in amoral New Orleans has finally made it legal for Texans to own a half-dozen erotic toys. The ruling was 
Last night the American people shed many tears and blood and sweat as they tried to strangle the infant Democratic primary process in its crib, and alas they did not succeed, so there will be elections every day for the next four years. But we rejoice to see so many Wonkette readers who care so deeply that they sent us hilarious tales from the caucuses. Mind-numbing boredom, police intervention, and Clinton babes, after the jump. 
