True fact: Texas has had the same governor since the 1970s, when a man with a thickly feathered coif captured the hearts of many Texan ladies and cowboys. His name was Rick Perry, and he decided to keep running for governor every four years because voters were too dumb and lazy to ever notice that the ballot didn’t change. MORE »

The city of Mansfield, Texas took a bold stand against the socialist Kenyan martyr Barack Obama and his free-spending ways on Monday, opting not to take $38,000 in FREE FEDERAL GRANT MONEY that they had applied for. They were going to send Washington a message: a message that said, “Yes, we requested federal assistance to improve our police force, but now we do not want it because … socialism?” MORE »

The racist states of the South — including the “honorary southern states” of Texas, Arizona and Alaska — do not like letting black and brown people vote, so 43 years ago the Voting Rights Act was signed into federal law, and ever since those officially racist jurisdictions have to get federal approval for any changes in voting law, still, because god knows we’d be back to poll taxes and grandfather clauses in about 10 minutes without the grownups keeping an eye on the crackers. So, obviously, today the “black justice” on the Supreme Court, wingnut blogger Clarence Thomas, was the brave lone voice of dissent, standing athwart the law that gave basic human rights to his race, yelling “no that shit is unconstitutional.” MORE »

Nancy Pelosi sweeps from the upper right corner in stealth and drops seven buckets of napalm on Pete Hoekstra, a martyr. But just before Pete passes, as the fire consumes his eyes, he grabs Texas Rep. John Culberson by his tattered lapels. “I… I want you to take this back, to my family,” Hoekstra whispers to Culberson — his comrade, his Brother — and hands him a BlackBerry. “It is… locked… you have to press… star + send… what?… no no no…. ’send,’ I said… the little green telephone button… no, you have to press… press them simultaneously… there you go… now you must Twitt…” He dies. But Culberson knows. [Twitter]

Hmm, any Republicans forward some Email lately? Oh yes, sure, here we go: “Diann Jones, a vice chairman of the Collin County Republican Party, has apologized for an e-mail that some local judges denounced as racist.” Hooray! As is usual in such cases, this GOP leader from this Dallas exurb is denying any racist intent in sending this email bitching about the “black house” where Obama is plotting against Americans, an email she sent to all the Republicans in “local Republican clubs,” because the REAL crime is that one of the recipients, a local Republican judge, is kind of tired of his party being a bunch of idiot racists, so he sent it to a bunch of other judges, who will HMMMM pass judgment on Diann Jones, in some Texas form of justice, such as a mild rebuke? MORE »

These days you can tell which Republicans would like to keep their jobs as elected officials and which ones just want to make a living bleating on the talk radio by how they have reacted to the Sotomayor nomination. With no irritating constituents to answer to,Tom Tancredo, Newt Gingrich, and Rush Limbaugh have all gone Full Crazy, while people like Texas Senator John Cornyn have demonstrated a troubling lack of zeal by not shouting RACIST LA RAZA ABORTIONIST LESBIAN for the past 72 hours. MORE »

The best thing to happen in all of Texas last year was when a few Democratic anarcho-syndicalists burned down Rick Perry’s governor’s mansion with a flaming bag of Barney Bush’s poop, maybe. But because the remaining outer shell of this hell castle is a Historical Texas outer shell — and Texas never cheaps out when it comes to honoring its proud history of slavery, violence, oil, and self-importance — the difficult, tedious renovation will cost TWENTY MILLION dollars. CONSIDERING THE COST, the Texas state legislature is now telling Perry that if he wants his dumb house, then $11 million of that sum will have to come out of the Obama Stimulus Package — the thing Perry pretended to hate so much that he vowed to secede over it in ~FY2011. MORE »

Here is a tragic sweet love tale: the mayor of a lil’ Texas town abdicated his position to run off to Mexico with his illegal immigrant boyfriend, the Wallis Simpson of San Angelo. People are sad because this mayor was a very good mayor, and got elected to four terms! MORE »

Hey college students! Want to shoot your friends? Transfer to one of Texas’ many fine public universities! MAYBE, soon, once this diddly gets passed on to the Texas House and the secessionist state president Rick Perry: “AUSTIN — A bill to allow college students and employees to carry their concealed handguns on campus won final passage today on a 19-12 vote in the Senate.” Damn right it did, and if there’s anyone to thank, it’s that mentally disturbed Virginia Tech kid who shot up his school a couple of years ago, with guns, on campus. MORE »

Ha ha, Texas. Once this state secedes, where will the rest of America turn for laffs? (Answer: Oklahoma.) A senior strategist for Governor Rick Perry likened a more inclusive national Republican Party to a “whorehouse,” and all the GOP ladies in Texas just went nuts. MORE »

Opossum-eyed Jesus geologist Joe Barton, Republican Congressman from Texas, signaled his intent last month to stop the liberal Waxman-Markey energy bill — the one with cap-and-trade, which is about hamburgers — with traditional adult methods of opposition: “I’m going to be the sneaky little guy that pops up from behind the bush and fights the guerrilla. But guerrilla warfare does succeed sometimes.” (Fortunately for him this world has professional transcribers, because he definitely was saying he wanted to fight a gorilla.) And now he is popping up from behind the bush with a reasonable plan to block the legislation by proposing 450 comical amendments — four-hundred-and-fifty — that will simply be rejected, one by one, during an exhausting process that will embarrass the United States around the world and in Heaven. HAW HAW HAW. MORE »