Tag Archives: texas

  Remember The Alahomo

Gay-Hatin’ Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Ready To Be Martyred At The Straight-People Alamo

Yes, this really exists
Ten Commandments Hero Chief Justice Roy Moore came from Alabama with a Brawndo on his knee t’other day, visiting the Lone Star State Monday to address a very important “Defense of Texas Marriage Amendment Rally,” where he said that he is willing to lay down his very life to stop people with the wrong combinations of genitals from entering into marriage contracts. Also, he is worried about all the hyperbole and exaggeration in the world today. Read more on Gay-Hatin’ Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Ready To Be Martyred At The Straight-People Alamo…
  Let's Get Some 'God With Us' Belt Buckles Too

Texas Rep. Finds Life’s Great Purpose: Forcing Air Force Cadets To Swear Oath To God

How airplanes actually fly
You know, kids, Ted Cruz isn’t the only Christian in Congress. He’s the only one running for president (in a field of one declared candidate), but there are also decent God-fearing Christians like Rep. Sam Johnson of Texas, who has introduced a bill that will make sure “so help me God” is a mandatory part of the official oath at the Air Force Academy. This is especially important since jet aircraft fly so much closer to God than our ground forces are, and we wouldn’t want Him swatting them out of the air, now would we? Read more on Texas Rep. Finds Life’s Great Purpose: Forcing Air Force Cadets To Swear Oath To God…
  we don't need your civil war

Congressman From Dukes Of Hazzard: Confederate Flags Are The New MLK

Let's see what them Dukes is up to next!
Yee-haw! What is that Crazy Cooter (of that old redneck TV show “The Dukes of Hazzard” fame), otherwise known as actor and former Democratic congressman from Georgia Ben Jones, up to now? Oh nothing, just going on CNN to argue in favor of allowing descendants of Confederate soldiers to drive around with the Stars and Bars on their license plates in yet the latest instance of the “Everybody gets a trophy” mentality that has infected America in recent years. Cool, nothing we like more than still arguing over this crap in 2015. Read more on Congressman From Dukes Of Hazzard: Confederate Flags Are The New MLK…
  How are the gays messing with Texas today?

Texas AG Will Protect State From Scourge Of Gay-Marrieds Caring For Sick Spouses

Every gay Texan has the right to care for a sick spouse of the opposite sex!
Texas is pulling out all the stops to make sure the gay-marrieds are completely unable to mess with Texas, right up until June, when the Supreme Court is probably going to mess with Texas in such a gay way that they’ll be walking funny for days. Today’s Texan hero is Attorney General Ken Paxton, who has filed a lawsuit against the overreaching federal government, because they don’t want to give family leave to gays who have sick, gay spouses: Read more on Texas AG Will Protect State From Scourge Of Gay-Marrieds Caring For Sick Spouses…
  ¡Viva Piñata!

Texas Landlords Bulldoze Piñata Store, Neglect To Tell Nice Tenants Because They’re Mexican

A pair of Austin landlords wanted some extra parking space for their upcoming SXSW event, so they decided to bulldoze the piñata party store belonging to two of their Mexican tenants. And no, they didn’t bother to notify their tenants beforehand, because they’d figure it out soon enough when they showed up to work and saw their building was gone. Read more on Texas Landlords Bulldoze Piñata Store, Neglect To Tell Nice Tenants Because They’re Mexican…
  Revenge Of The Sea Level

FEMA To States: You Want Cash? Say Climate Change Is Real. SAY IT!

No Disaster Preparedness Funds for you!
In an elegant reply to politicians who aren’t scientists but don’t mind ignoring experts who are, the Federal Emergency Management Agency has come up with a simple solution: States whose governors decide there’s no need to plan for the consequences of a changing climate will no longer qualify for federal grants for emergency preparedness. For climate deniers like Louisiana’s Bobby Jindal, Florida’s Rick Scott, or Texas’s Greg Abbott, it’s a pretty clear opportunity for them to put their coastlines and their populations where their mouths are. Governors who refuse to consider climate in their states’ hazard mitigation plans could lose hundreds of millions of dollars in FEMA money. Read more on FEMA To States: You Want Cash? Say Climate Change Is Real. SAY IT!…
  Here have some news n stuff

Is It Time For Class War? (Hint: Yes)

But watch out for the gout
Still on the fence about whether it’s time for all-out up-against-the-wall eat-the-rich class war revolution? No you’re not: In 2014, Wall Street’s bonus pool was roughly double the combined earnings of all Americans working full-time jobs at minimum wage. […] Read more on Is It Time For Class War? (Hint: Yes)…
  but jesus told me to give her a black eye

Religious Freedom To Hate Gays And Maybe Beat Your Wife Spreading Everywhere, Hooray!

How gay
Now that The Great Gay Scourge is spreading unfettered across the land — what with the gays marrying and not being thrown into jail and/or executed for the buttsechs — it is time for us to focus on the Real Victims of Oppression. We are referring, of course, to good, honest, Bible-believing Christians, whose God-given right to prevent gays from public housing and accommodations has come under threat from the tyranny of judicial activists. Read more on Religious Freedom To Hate Gays And Maybe Beat Your Wife Spreading Everywhere, Hooray!…
  One Toke Over The Party Line

Suddenly Everyone* Wants To Legalize Weed (*Not Everyone)

The latest Stoned Pony
To bring to life the old cliché that libertarians are just Republicans who want to get high, a couple of conservatives have unexpectedly supported various changes to marijuana laws this week. What’s more, there’s even a bill in the U.S. Senate to end the federal ban on medical weed and reclassify marijuana’s legal status from a Schedule 1 to a Schedule 2 drug, thus “allowing doctors to recommend its use in some cases to veterans, expanding access to researchers and making it easier for banks to provide services to the industry.” Read more on Suddenly Everyone* Wants To Legalize Weed (*Not Everyone)…
  They're so nice they didn't even add "OR DEATH?"

Nice Texas Democrats Give Delicious Gay Love Cakes To Bigot Republicans

Try it, we promise it won't make you gay. Much.
Texan bigots are just NOT OKAY with all these homosexuals comin’ all up into Texas and destroying opposite marriage for everybody. Know who IS okay with the gays destroying everything? Texas Democrats, that is who! They decided this week to deliver gay love cakes to a select group of the worst gay-hatin’ Texas Republicans of all: Read more on Nice Texas Democrats Give Delicious Gay Love Cakes To Bigot Republicans…
  It's popcorn time in Texas

Texas Pro-Life Republicans Just Hahahaha No Seriously For Real This Story Just Read It

Texas State Rep. Jonathan Stickland
Who’s in the mood to watch Texas Republicans slap-fight with each other? Oh, everyone? OK then, let’s do that! The Texas legislature is considering yet another bill to shut down Planned Parenthood because that’s pretty much all the Texas legislature does, when it’s not trying to shut down The Gay and the Supreme Court. Read more on Texas Pro-Life Republicans Just Hahahaha No Seriously For Real This Story Just Read It…
  Standing athwart Texas's Virgin throat and crying "STOP!"

Texas Rep Lady Ain’t About To Let No Full-Of-Itself ‘Supreme Court’ Gay Marry Texas

Try to get yer gay marriage past this, motherfucker, PEW PEW PEW!
If Texas state Rep. Molly White gets her way, newly minted Texas GOP chair Tom Mechler won’t have to worry about homos kissin’ in the newspaper or any of that other gay stuff, for Molly has A Solution, and as you see above, she’s got a gun. As David Badash at the New Civil Rights Movement reports, Molly is still in her second month of even BEING a Big Girl State Representative, but she has already Solved Texas. For one thing, she’s come up with a bill that says even if the United States Supreme Court gifts gay marriage to a hungry nation, Texas need not comply, because Texas. Read more on Texas Rep Lady Ain’t About To Let No Full-Of-Itself ‘Supreme Court’ Gay Marry Texas…
  beware those muslims being muslims in public!

Homeless Crazy Jesus Lady Knows Who’s Being Invaded By Muslims (It Is Oklahoma)

Guys, do you remember Christine Weick? Of course you remember Christine Weick. Christine Weick is the nice and not at all bugshit crazy American Patriot who drives around in her SUV from town to town — she is NOT HOMELESS, SHUT UP, SHE HAS A BANK ACCOUNT AND EVERYTHING — rambling on about Muslims and homosexuals and how Monster Energy Drinks are of the devil. And here’s the good news: She’s coming to save you, Oklahoma, from the scourge of the Islamics doing prayers to their false god and stuff. Read more on Homeless Crazy Jesus Lady Knows Who’s Being Invaded By Muslims (It Is Oklahoma)…
  Moron Labe

Tyrannical Texas Government Raids Meeting Of Secessionists, Unfair To Secessionists!

Oooh, I hates tyranny, and I hates jackboots, and I hates gubmint!
Meet Pastor John Jarnecke, a self-styled “Texian” who runs a secessionist group called the Republic of Texas. It’s not a violent group — think of it like a Model UN, only with more Type II diabetes. It’s fun, they have presidential elections and everything! Also, Tammy’s mom brings Rice Krispie squares every Thursday. Read more on Tyrannical Texas Government Raids Meeting Of Secessionists, Unfair To Secessionists!…
  I done jitterbugged my way into a pile of Ay-rab men

America’s BFF Saudi Arabia Says Dancing Makes You Gay, Which Is Obvious Science Fact

Our bestest friend Saudi Arabia knows what is up. While the religious freedom American Jesus people are still stuck in the past, saying that your mother made you gay because she was too nice, or your father made you gay because he worked a lot, or your priest made you gay because obvious, the morality police of Saudi Arabia are fully aware that the Gateway Drug to the Gay is DANCING: Read more on America’s BFF Saudi Arabia Says Dancing Makes You Gay, Which Is Obvious Science Fact…
  Rage Against The Latrine

Hero Texas Lady Wants To Look Into Your Genes Before You Use The Toilet

It's easy to forget that people actually dress like this, unironically
Let’s hear it for Texas state Rep. Debbie Riddle, who has filed an exciting new bill to make sure that people only go to the toilets that God intended them to. Her genius legislation would make it a Class A misdemeanor for transgendered people to use public restrooms, showers, or locker rooms of their preference — even if they’ve had gender reassignment surgery. Read more on Hero Texas Lady Wants To Look Into Your Genes Before You Use The Toilet…
  Texas you are donking this up

Texas Gays Up Marriage For A Sec, EVERYBODY PANIC

The one happy couple allowed in Texas
Would you like to guess which state is gaying up their marriage situation? It is Texas! Only they are not doing it neatly, in an easy-to-follow series of coherent events, they are completely donking it up. But go ahead and have some champagne anyway, because did you hear the part where some people got gay married in TEXAS? Read more on Texas Gays Up Marriage For A Sec, EVERYBODY PANIC…
 

Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!

Screw you, huddled masses
Wednesday was supposed to be the day President Obama officially rolled out the Kenyan welcome mat for all them illegals who’ve already snuck across our border to infect us with diseases and their strange foreign languages. But oh no, you can un-unfurl that Hispanic flag over the White House, Mr. Thinks He’s So President, because United States District Judge Andrew S. Hanen has put a stop to that nonsense, at least for now. Read more on Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!…
  sure fine whatever

Texas Gun Fanatics Only Did A Few Crimes, What’s The Big Deal?

More guns just means more freedom
We are simple, trusting folk, so when people tell us they want to liberalize gun laws out of fealty to the Constitution and a love of personal freedom, we totally buy it. So thoroughly guileless are we that we don’t even question their motives when a number of them have criminal records that put them afoul of the laws they’re trying to repeal, as is the case in Texas. So what, a petty criminal can’t love freedom too? Read more on Texas Gun Fanatics Only Did A Few Crimes, What’s The Big Deal?…
  Have some more oops

Rick Perry Apparently Serious About Trying To Be President Again

You’d think, given the spectacular FAIL that was the presidential campaign of the now former but still indicted Texas governor, Rick Perry might want to reconsider another attempt at the White House. But nope! Yee haw, he is going to do this thing again, because he sure as heck didn’t buy those smart glasses for nothin’. Read more on Rick Perry Apparently Serious About Trying To Be President Again…
  Poor people's desires are...unconventional

Rick Perry: Poor Texans Love Not Having Health Insurance, It Is Their Hobby

haha, I have health care and you don't
In terms of health insurance coverage rates, Texas is the worst. Literally! Depending on the data you look at, between 20 and 22 percent of its total population lacks health insurance. That is terrible for those approximately one million very poor Texans who don’t have any health insurance, plus another few million moderately poor who also don’t have it. But fortunately, those poors have a former Republican governor named Rick Perry who really likes to travel to Iowa and New Hampshire and talk to the media, as you do when you’re gunning to be a two-time presidential nomination loser. Rick Perry would like you to know that Texans are actually delighted to be uninsured. Read more on Rick Perry: Poor Texans Love Not Having Health Insurance, It Is Their Hobby…
  Innocent until proven disgusting

Rep. Blake Farenthold: I Did Not Have ‘Wet Dreams’ About Sexing That Staffer I Fired

Like THIS GUY would ever be nasty? Nahhh
In December, we gasped and clutched our pearls and LOL’d sooooo hard and then gagged even harder at the news that Texas Congressfool Blake Farenthold (R-Footie Pajamas) had been sued for sexually harassing his former communications director, Lauren Greene, who was coincidentally fired. COINCIDENTALLY, people, and probably NOT for complaining that she did not want to hear his sexytime talk, ew, gross. Because who would ever in a million years believe that such an upstanding guy, who wants to impeach President Obama for invading America with Ebola and also not really being a real U.S. American, would be capable of such untoward indecency? Read more on Rep. Blake Farenthold: I Did Not Have ‘Wet Dreams’ About Sexing That Staffer I Fired…