Tag Archives: texas

  I Don't Like Gundays

Rick Perry Gives Guns In Movie Theaters Two Thumbs Up

In the not-too-distant future
Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry knows there’s no problem that can’t be solved by the addition of more guns, which is why he claimed Sunday that last week’s shooting in a movie theater in Lafayette, Louisiana, probably could have been prevented if only a whole bunch of people in the audience had been armed. Because in the confusion and panic of a dark movie theater, five or six extra people with guns would certainly have been a big improvement. Read more on Rick Perry Gives Guns In Movie Theaters Two Thumbs Up…
  Whatever keeps Hannity's viewers good and racist

Texas Says Sandra Bland Was Potted Up On Weed, Because That’s What Makes You Die

Yeah, marijuana use is clearly the important part of this story.
We’re still not sure how Sandra Bland died. The dashcam video told us fuck all, although whatever happened off camera sure did sound violent! The state of Texas is saying that, based on preliminary autopsy results, she hanged herself in her jail cell, but the family doesn’t accept that narrative and wants an independent autopsy done. The state says jail workers failed to check on Bland once every hour, as per policy, and that Waller County was unable to prove that its employees had the correct training to identify and handle inmates who may be mentally ill or suicidal. Moreover, there are inconsistencies with mental health documents, allegedly filled out at the jail by Bland, with one saying she had suffered suicidal thoughts, and another saying the exact opposite. How strange! Read more on Texas Says Sandra Bland Was Potted Up On Weed, Because That’s What Makes You Die…
  He'll make Mexico great again too!

Donald Trump Risks His Life To Yell At Messicans

Listen up, you Messico losers!
The Donald already knows everything there is to know about everything, including Mexico. That’s where they make all the rapists and the drugs and the murderers too, and also the Donald Trump piñatas. And when he is president, he is going to build a YOOOOOOOGE fence around it, and it will be made of gold and say TRUMP and it will be so fuckin’ classy, you don’t even know. Read more on Donald Trump Risks His Life To Yell At Messicans…
  Kittens Not Included :(

Sandra Bland Arrest Video Explains Nothing About Her Death, Everything About Dick Texas Cop

Are you done now?
Sandra Bland was pulled over in Texas for a traffic violation, arrested for allegedly assaulting a state trooper, and three days later, found dead in her jail cell. An autopsy ruled her death a suicide, but her friends and family don’t believe that, and there have been too many mysterious deaths of black people at the hands of police for this not to look suspicious. And now that Texas officials have released the dashcam video of Bland’s arrest, absolutely nothing is settled. Read more on Sandra Bland Arrest Video Explains Nothing About Her Death, Everything About Dick Texas Cop…
  The Creeping Sharia Meets The Walking Dead

Texans Fear Muslim Corpses Will Escape Planned Cemetery, Do Jihad On Them

The Ululating Dead
Oh, lookie here, it’s Texans being paranoid again, only this time it’s not about Jade Helm 15, chemtrails, or gay wedding registries at the Mega-Lo Mart. A bunch of nice folks in North Texas are jes’ powerful afeared that if a Muslim congregation gets permission to build a new cemetery, the next thing you know, there’ll be mosques, madrassas, and fellers walking around in 10-gallon keffiyehs all over the place. Read more on Texans Fear Muslim Corpses Will Escape Planned Cemetery, Do Jihad On Them…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: More Butthurt Confederates, If You Can Believe That

Princess Sunbutt Will Rise Again!
Hey, would you believe that we’re still getting letters from angry sons, daughters, and bastard wannabe grandchildren of the Confederacy about our piece on a proposal to move Nathan Bedford Forrest’s bones out of a city park and to a private cemetery? Of course you would, because nothing inspires everlasting butthurt like a Lost Cause. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: More Butthurt Confederates, If You Can Believe That…
  Dying While Black

Why Do Black People Keep Killing Themselves When They Get Arrested?

Yeah, marijuana use is clearly the important part of this story.
Looks like there’s been another mysterious death of a black suspect in police custody, this time in Waller County, Texas, where 28-year-old Sandra Bland was found dead Monday after being arrested following a traffic stop last Friday. Bland was being held for allegedly kicking the Texas Highway Patrolman who pulled her over for failing to signal a lane change; Waller County Sheriff Glenn Smith said that Bland was found hanging in her cell at 9:00 a.m. Monday, about an hour after asking staff by intercom if she could make a phone call. She had last been observed by jail staff at 7:00 a.m. when she was given breakfast. An autopsy performed by the Harris County Institute of Forensic Sciences in Houston ruled her death a suicide by hanging. Bland was being held on $5000 bail, but friends said she was preparing to pay the bail Monday. Sheriff Smith certainly seemed all broken up about Bland’s death, saying in words that do not sound the least bit well-rehearsed, “Any time somebody dies, it’s a tragic deal … That’s exactly what this appeared to be.” Read more on Why Do Black People Keep Killing Themselves When They Get Arrested?…
  Two Books That Will Now Be More Popular

In Surprise Twist, Texas Town Allows Fabulous Kids’ Books To Gay Up Public Library

They don't want to censor anything. They just don't think anyone should read propaganda.
Here’s your Nice Time for the day: Despite a number of complaints from Christian conservatives demanding that two LGBT-themed books be removed from the children’s collection of the Hood County Library in Granbury, Texas, the Hood County Commission allowed the books to remain on the shelves. The terrible brain warping books — My Princess Boy by Cheryl Kilodavis, said to have the power of a thousand ordinary Davises, about a boy who likes to wear pretty dresses, and This Day in June by Gayle E. Pitman, about a Pride parade — were targeted by a local Tea party group as offensive, tasteless, an affront to all that is decent and good, and likely to cause spontaneous outbreaks of musical theater. In a standing-room only meeting Tuesday night, the Commission voted to keep the books anyway; as of press time we have had no reports of Granbury being obliterated by a meteor. Read more on In Surprise Twist, Texas Town Allows Fabulous Kids’ Books To Gay Up Public Library…
  Operation Soiled Trousers 15

Jade Helm Week Is Here. Have You Decorated Your Bunker Yet?

Surely this proves something!
Congratulations, comrades! It has been a glorious month! Our puppets on the Supreme Court have forced through the twin abominations of Obamacare and Sodomite Marriage, and in the wake of our successful False Flag attack in Charleston, our Politically Correct allies have destroyed the last symbol of resistance to tyranny. Now, while the nation is distracted by the insane ramblings of a crazy man with a tribble on his head, the hour has come for Our Glorious Leader Barack Obama to declare martial law across the southwest, and to start rounding up the guns and the patriots! Jade Helm 15 is finally here! Remember, don’t start the rioting until you hear the code words on the TV: “Rapid Advance, They Helped My Business Grow, Rapid Advance, They Didn’t Say No.” Then head to your nearest Walmart and start yelling whatever slogans come to mind. And remember to say a friendly “Ni hao!” to our Chinese comrades as they come flooding out of the subterranean tunnels, which are the best kind. Even if our Glorious Leader doesn’t announce his plan to bend America to his will this time, there will no doubt be some hilarious videos of idiots yelling at Army dudes. Read more on Jade Helm Week Is Here. Have You Decorated Your Bunker Yet?…
  he seems nice

Nice Texas Judge Willing To Homo-Marry You If He Must, As Long As You Know He Hates You

Judge DePiazza
Wow, are bigots still all kinds of butthurt that gay marriage — or, as we call it nowadays, marriage — is The Law? Apparently yes, even though that is SO last month! Some government employees whose jobs require them to issue marriage licenses are up and quitting to avoid gay cooties, which is fine, we will not miss them at all, see ya, goodbye, fuck off. Some are refusing to do their jobs but still want to keep their jobs anyway, which is not how America works, so now they are getting sued for being lawless thugs, HAHAHAHAHAHA fuck off also. And then there’s this guy: Read more on Nice Texas Judge Willing To Homo-Marry You If He Must, As Long As You Know He Hates You…
  Only two things come from Texas

Idiot Texas County Clerk Lady Issues Declaration About How Good She Hates The Gays

hooray
Thank goodness brave Texas bigots haven’t been shuttled off to the rainbow FEMA camps, so they can save the Republic from the santorum-drenched sodomite hordes. Molly Criner, county clerk for Irion County, issued a DECLARATION OF OBEDIENCE TO LAW AND THE DEFENSE OF NATURAL MARRIAGE (her words), and before anyone even had the chance to say boo, the sterling fellows at Liberty Counsel stepped up to the plate to defend her rights to legally break the law. Aw, what a charming little political stunt. Sorry, I mean political stunt. Political stunt! Excuse me, I must have something caught in my throat. Read more on Idiot Texas County Clerk Lady Issues Declaration About How Good She Hates The Gays…
  Tragical History Sewer

New Texas Textbooks Love The Confederacy (And Their Sisters) So Much

This is not an actual Texas schoolbook. This illustration has been chosen for its humorous hyperbole. Please complain on Facebook about this illustration.
Hey, just in time for the post-4th-of-July reminders that school starts up again far too soon, comes this Washington Post story about the brand new history books that will be hitting Texas classrooms in the fall. As we’ve noted previously, the Texas Board of Education adopted some fun new history standards in 2010, and the final products of all that hard work to ensure that children know that Moses wrote the Constitution are finally on the way! We can hardly wait to get our hands on a copy! Read more on New Texas Textbooks Love The Confederacy (And Their Sisters) So Much…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Was It Over When The Jews Bombed Pearl Harbor?

Hey, Kids, hope you enjoyed both your Fourth of July and your Independence Day, seeing as how this was one of those years where they fall on the same day. Yr Wonkette had a nice day off and hardly blowed up anything at all that didn’t need ‘splodin’. And speaking of “highly Flammable,” we have for you a fine collection of deleted dumbth, starting with some thoughts from a “Dr. Lopez,” who we regret did not specify what his doctorate was in. Dr Lopez was not especially pleased with our piece on the Texas attorney general who issued an amazing public meltdown in the form of a press release following the Supreme Court’s gay marriage ruling. And Dr. Lopez had some thoughts about just what a Big Dummy our Evan Hurst must be — don’t be fooled by his flattery at the beginning! As always, punctuation and spelling are verbatim from original. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Was It Over When The Jews Bombed Pearl Harbor?…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Sarah Palin Declares Independence From Pretending To Be Employed. Your Weekly Top Ten.

THE CUTEST.
Hey Wonkers, happy Fourth of July weekend and shit! Do you need a nap? We sure do! Let’s all snuggle dressed like burritos after we read this post, like Wonkette baby, pictured above. (Did you SEE Editrix’s baby pictures post this morning? If you didn’t, you should go look at it!) Read more on Sarah Palin Declares Independence From Pretending To Be Employed. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  Giggles

Wingnut Gay-Hatin’ Texas A.G. Might Go To Jail Forever Because HAHAHAHAHA

Did baby do a bad bad thing?
Hey, remember that scummy Texas Attorney General, name of Ken Paxton, who had that huge baby tantrum over gay marriage in Texas? That was fun. Turns out he might get to avoid being throatcrammed by gay marriage after all, due to being in jail forever, for being a securities fraudster: Read more on Wingnut Gay-Hatin’ Texas A.G. Might Go To Jail Forever Because HAHAHAHAHA…
  The Christians Are Revolting

Jesus-American County Clerks Paralyzed By Gay Cooties

And now this shit
Despite the Supreme Court ordering every single American to get gay married right this second, some Real Good Christians are shouting, “Don’t wanna! Don’t hafta! YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!” Which is rude and also wrong, but that rarely stops bigots from doing that thing they do. Which is why they are inventing loopholes, or outright defying what is now the law of the land, to continue their battle against equality. Read more on Jesus-American County Clerks Paralyzed By Gay Cooties…