texas
Unsuccessful Dallas City Council Candidate Informs Insufficiently Homophobic Reporter Of His Ball-lessness, Resemblance To Lady Bits
As a woman what has been in the media for eeep, more than 22 years (?!), your editrix is not unfamiliar with voicemails of the angrier kind. Over the decades, she has been called a cunt and a Nazi and cunt Nazi, whose attitude could only be adjusted by a proper, good-old-fashioned raping. She has [...]
Uncle Sam Wants YOU! To Stop Sexually Assaulting People
Is everyone in the entire United States military so busy sexually assaulting each other — ALLEGEDLY — that they can’t do their jobs, like, say, preventing sexual assault in the military? It sure seems that way. Last week, we learned about Lt. Col. Jeffrey Krusinski, chief of the Air Force’s sexual assault prevention and response [...]
Butthurt Christians Oppressed By Sports Thing That Never Happened
You know what’s outrageous? The way that Christians are constantly being oppressed in this country! Like for instance how a high school track team in Texas had its win taken away and was disqualified from going to the state championship, all because the winning runner in the 4X100 meter relay, Christian athlete Derrick Hayes, pointed [...]
Texas Fertilizer Plant Continues to Express its Freedom
Remember when a Texas fertilizer plant exploded and showered its Freedom all over the town of West, Texas, teaching everyone a much-needed lesson on the uselessness of state regulations? Well the lesson is not over yet, because it turns out that the plant only had $1,000,000 in liability coverage and caused over $100,000,000 in damages.From [...]
Texas Lawmakers Celebrate ‘Gun Day’ With Gun Legislation Spree
As you probably heard, the National Rifle Association held its annual firearms-stroking meeting over the weekend in Houston. And where a lot of state legislatures would just pass a resolution declaring “Suck My Machine Gun Week” or some such, the Texas House instead celebrated the Holy Armed Presence by passing a dozen laws to make [...]
Texas Pastor Tried To Make Teen Girl Strip, But Probably Just Wanted To Share Bible Lessons
A Texas pastor has been arrested on charges of “attempted sexual performance of a child” after trying to coerce an underaged girl to take off her clothes and show him some “eye candy.” Jeffrey Dale Williams, a senior pastor at the Church of Corinth, was arrested after the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services [...]
Texas Fertilizer Plant Explosion Proves Priceless Value Of Freedom
See that? That is a fertilizer plant in Texas exploding and killing a still unknown number of people. It is the sound and sight (and smell, probably) of FREEDOM. FREEDOM from having a sprinkler system, an alarm, a shut off system, or a firewall system.
Texas Teacher Explains She’s Far Too Racist To Have Molested That Black Seven Year Old
A former teacher at a Texas charter school is defending against charges that she fondled a seven year old girl by claiming that, as a diehard racist, she does not like touching negroidal persons, and so she couldn’t possibly have done the awful thing she’s accused of doing. As excuses go, it’s no “I forgot,” [...]
Texas Doctor Senator Idiot Lady Says No Abortions Because Men Bleed From Their Butts
Texas state Senator Donna Campbell isn’t trying to shut down abortion completely, we assume, since that would be unconstitutional. (She is totally trying to shut down abortion completely.) She would just, as a doctor and a woman, prefer it if the great state of Texas require that abortion clinics meet the regulatory standards for surgical [...]
Dianne Feinstein Goes To Ted Cruz’s Work, Slaps Tea Party Dick From His Mouth Hole
Ho ho, Ted Cruz, you impetuous scamp! Since today is a day of the week, you must have pissed off someone with some sassy backtalk. Who had the “Dianne Feinstein” square for today’s game of “Ted Cruz Mansplains Until _____ Wants to Punch Him in His Cock” bingo? “Let me just make a couple of [...]
Texas Senator And Know-Nothing Ted Cruz Has Exciting New Reason To Repeal Obamacare
Anchor-baby Ted Cruz is kicking up a fuss again, because that is what he does. Cruz-fussing is the most awful boring fussing of all, both because we have to look at his sleepy-eyed no-chin face the whole time and because all he ever does is whine about Obamacare, and how since it is a whole [...]
Long National Nightmare Over: Jailbird Scooter Libby’s Voting Rights Restored!
It was a dark day in America when Cheney henchman Scooter Libby got convicted and imprisoned by Barack Nobama’s tyrannical army (and its Time Machine). A dark day indeed when you criminalize “politics,” wherein “politics” is defined as “blowing the cover of a CIA person just to make some un-understandable point about … well, we [...]
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