Tag Archives: texas

  Gotta recharge their engines and shit

Godly Christian Fame Whores Call In Sick To YouTube

Before things went bad at the vlogger conference, when they were still just good looking.
Sleepy fame whores. It’s been a tough run for Sam and Nia Rader, the Jesus-loving fame-fellating YouTube “celebrities” who just wanted to prove they are as worthy of wealth and fame as the Duggars, but much more good looking obviously. So it is time for a SNOOZE-CATION from the old 9-to-5, or whatever hours YouTube requires them to be awake and sentient. Consider this timeline of events: Read more on Godly Christian Fame Whores Call In Sick To YouTube…
  With Liberty And Justice For All Who Survive

Here’s How The Second Amendment Has Prevented Tyranny Lately

Sawed-off shotguns: They're in the Constitution!
Sawed-off shotguns: They’re in the Constitution! While we know guns had nothing to do with the tragedy today that took the lives of Virginia TV station WDBJ reporter Alison Parker and cameraman Adam Ward, in addition to the suicide of the shooter, a disgruntled former employee of the station, we thought we’d mention some other recent deaths in which guns had nothing to do with anything. Because while it’s far too soon to talk about guns in relation to the Virginia murders, maybe it’s not too soon to talk about these other shootings. (We are joking you, of course. It is never the right time to talk about guns.) Read more on Here’s How The Second Amendment Has Prevented Tyranny Lately…
  Stay On Target

Texas Ag Commissioner Doesn’t Really Want To Nuke All The Muslims. OR DOES HE?

nukes
Bomb, bomb, bomb / Bomb-Bomb … everywhere We all know the normal steps in political gaffe management: 1) Somebody says something really stupid, often on social media; 2) The incredibly stupid/offensive/impolitic social media post is removed; 3) A spokesperson explains that the gaffe was committed by an underling, without authorization, and it definitely doesn’t reflect the boss’s views; 4) Depending on the seriousness of the gaffe, the underling may be fired and the office may issue an apology (of variable sincerity); and 5) Donald Trump says something far stupider, and his polling actually improves. But once in a while, this predictable sequence falls apart, and things get very weird, very fast. Read more on Texas Ag Commissioner Doesn’t Really Want To Nuke All The Muslims. OR DOES HE?…
  He didn't get the memo

Poor Dumb Rick Perry Thinks He’s Still Running For President

Hey, why is Rick Perry’s purty mouth still flapping on our television screens? Didn’t we already write the RIP for his presidential Hopes-n-Dreams, on account of how he is all out of dollars American? We did! But it would seem his campaign staff forgot to tell him it’s time to say bye-bye. Maybe because he has stopped paying all of them. No worries, though, Perry says he’ll get to that eventually: Read more on Poor Dumb Rick Perry Thinks He’s Still Running For President…
  Breakin' the law breakin' the law

Oh Look Who Is Actually Breaking The Law (Hint: It’s Not Planned Parenthood)

Well, isn’t this ironic, don’t you think? The Obama administration has notified two states that took steps to halt Medicaid funds to Planned Parenthood Federation of America that they may be in conflict with federal law. […] Read more on Oh Look Who Is Actually Breaking The Law (Hint: It’s Not Planned Parenthood)…
  nice time!

Texas Judge Says You Can Be Gay Even When You’re Dead

Yes, even in Texas Good news for married homosextarians planning to die in Texas. Despite the best efforts of the state’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, indicted (and maybe going to prison forever LOL) attorney general, to pretend gay marriage did not happen to the entire US of A, including Texas, a federal judge has ordered him and the whole damn state to cut that out right now, mister, RIGHT NOW: Read more on Texas Judge Says You Can Be Gay Even When You’re Dead…
  Worst Honeymoon EVER

Sad Mississippi Lovebirds Just Wanted ISIS Honeymoon Of Their Dreams, Is That Wrong?

THOSE CRAZY KIDS!
THOSE CRAZY KIDS! KIDS THESE DAYS. These two crazy Mississippi kids, Jaelyn Delshaun Young and Muhammad Oka Dakhlalla, had it all, or so they thought. They were in love, they got married, they had planned to fake a honeymoon but instead go fight with ISIS in Syria, they picked out this cute little house on the outskirts of town with a white picket, WAIT WHAT? Why you gotta do ISIS, y’all? What about “the beach” or “France” or “oh fuck it, we’re poor, let’s just drive to Memphis for the weekend?” Ugh, you idiots: Read more on Sad Mississippi Lovebirds Just Wanted ISIS Honeymoon Of Their Dreams, Is That Wrong?…
  Roadside Texan Vagina Checkpoints

Nice Texas Cops Just Wanted To Reach Into Black Lady’s Vagina In Public, That’s All

Angry Lego cop is angry. Here’s another one for the annals of cops maybe-just-maybe behaving poorly in the line of duty, not that they ever do that. Charnesia Corley was on the way to get medicine for her mom, when she got pulled over for running a stop sign by police in Harris County, Texas. One of the cops claimed to smell weed in the car, so he went ahead and cuffed her and put her in the back of the squad car so they could do a vehicle search. And did they find any weed? Nope! So here’s a ticket for running that stop sign, now you get back home to your sick mama, right? NOPE AGAIN! Because then the cop said he smelled weed inside HIS car, where Corley had been sitting, which means there’s probably a bunch of weed in Corley’s vagina, so BEND OVER LADY, let’s do this RIGHT HERE: Read more on Nice Texas Cops Just Wanted To Reach Into Black Lady’s Vagina In Public, That’s All…
  The Preacher Said I Pronounce You 99 To Life

Texas Judge Sentences Dude To Marriage, Bible Study

Haha, what's the difference?
An a sentencing decision that sounds like something out of a bad comedy routine, a Texas judge gave a defendant in a misdemeanor case a simple choice: Marry his girlfriend or do 15 days in jail. Hey, it’s just a matter of how long you want to be locked up, am I right? Try the veal! Still, compared to some other idiotic sentences, it’s far from the worst we’ve heard of. It’s merely stupid, not sickening. Read more on Texas Judge Sentences Dude To Marriage, Bible Study…
  Total RINO

Remember That Time John Kasich Said A Gay And Republicans Cheered?

What a RINO
  So here was a weird moment in Thursday night’s Republican debate! John Kasich, who is, science fact, a person running for the GOP nomination, was asked that typical Fox News Republican question: “If we put a gay on this stage right now, will you please beat him up?” And he wouldn’t do it! Instead, he said a big sorta nice thing about how he doesn’t PERSONALLY believe in gay-scissor-based marriage (right, like he even cares), but he would love his gay child, if he had one, AND he went to a gay wedding recently and ate all the gay cake, and it was just great. And then the Republican audience maimed him with the knives they keep in the hollow portions of their Bibles. Read more on Remember That Time John Kasich Said A Gay And Republicans Cheered?…
  jesus wept

Texas Will Make Sure Gay Man Dies Knowing How Despised He Was

They call themselves His People. Weird.
They say they follow this guy. Weird. Pick up your stressballs or your rage pillows or whatever you use when you’re mad, because it’s time to talk about how Texas is trying its damnedest to make sure this one gay man, John Allen “Jay” Stone-Hoskins, dies knowing exactly how much his home state hates him. You see, Stone-Hoskins lost his husband, James, in January of this year, after a suspected psychotic episode, which may have been related to a new doctor’s prescription, led to James taking his own life. Stone-Hoskins has terminal cancer, and at this point, is expected to live no more than two months or so. So Texas, with the help of its fucked-up, heartless attorney general Ken Paxton, who is currently under indictment for great big felonies that may send him to jail for a million years, is doing its part to make sure those last two months of his life are just fucking awful. Read more on Texas Will Make Sure Gay Man Dies Knowing How Despised He Was…
  One Cheer for Voting Rights

Appeals Court Spanks Texas Voter ID Law Right On The Bottom

Offer void where brown
How’s this for timing? Just one day before the 50th anniversary of the Voting Rights Act, a federal appeals court struck down Texas’s awful Voter ID law. The three-judge panel ruled that the law discriminates against blacks and Hispanics by making voting much harder, but — sorry, people who’d like to maybe vote — it also leaves the law in place, though unenforced, while sending it back to a lower court to reconsider. So at best, it’s a kinda-sorta victory, and it’s likely that Texas will appeal the decision, because Texas is completely over voting rights, which are such a relic of the 1960s, they may as well be wearing bell bottoms and a peace symbol. Read more on Appeals Court Spanks Texas Voter ID Law Right On The Bottom…
  All your questions answered

Donald Trump And Nine Other Losers Walk Into A Bar: Your Wonkette Debate Preview!

You know, if you're not doing anything else that night LOL
It’s almost here, everyone, it’s almost here! The moment we have all been waiting for (kind of!) comes Thursday night, when the top ten Republican candidates, as chosen by Fox News Science, will show us their junk on live television! Donald Trump is the frontrunner, because a significant percentage of the Republican base is even dumber than the other percentages of the Republican base, and are impressed by loud men who act like they’re overcompensating for small penises and small minds. They’re like, “Awwww, reminds me of Daddy, PBUH.” Except they probably don’t say “PBUH,” because that’s Muslin. Read more on Donald Trump And Nine Other Losers Walk Into A Bar: Your Wonkette Debate Preview!…
  Vote for Ted Cruz and his boomstick

Ted Cruz Would Like You To Think About His Penis Wrapped In Bacon

“In Texas,” says Canadian-born Cuban Ted Cruz, “we cook bacon a little differently than most folks.” How’s that, you’re not even wondering, but he’s gonna show you anyway. See, while other Americans might cook bacon the lazy way — on the stovetop or in the oven or maybe even the microwave — Texas-Americans drive to their favorite local gun range, wrap strips of bacon around the barrel of a machine gun, POW! POW! POW! at a target until the bacon grease collects in a pool on the ground, and voila! It’s both an efficient and hygienic way of enjoying the cornerstone of any healthy breakfast. Read more on Ted Cruz Would Like You To Think About His Penis Wrapped In Bacon…
  Allegedly we guess

Dickbag Texas A.G. Indicted For Doing Bad Crimes, Being Dickbag

Professional cum-sock.
Remember how excited we all got in July, when we found out that gay-hating asshole Texas A.G. Ken Paxton might be a great big crimer and get indicted and have to go to jail and sell his white collar butthole to other white collar inmates for cigarettes and stuff? The day has come, at least for the indictment, all gathered here together rejoice! Read more on Dickbag Texas A.G. Indicted For Doing Bad Crimes, Being Dickbag…