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Posts Tagged ‘texas ’

Bob Barr Will Be President Of Texas!

Wednesday, September 17th, 2008

President of Punctual PaperworkThe State of Texas says you must file to be on the presidential ballot 70 days before the election, and both Barack Obama and John McCain allegedly missed the deadline, so now whackadoodle Libertarian Bob Barr will be President of Texas while the rest of the nation has to make do with the geezer or the other guy. MORE »


Downtrodden Texans Brace For Next Horror

Tuesday, September 16th, 2008

Worse than MothraYay it’s your weekly CNN headline funny! Pack up all your worldly belongings, board up the windows, and kiss your nice pets goodbye forever. Hurricane Ike sucked, but it’s nothing compared to this fearsome “Bush,” which destroys literally everything it touches. [CNN]


Oh God Obama VP Pick Will Be Some Dude Named ‘Chet’

Friday, August 22nd, 2008

Vice President John Kerry, hurrah!We were really pulling for Dick Gephardt, but it is looking more and more like Barry’s Number Two will be Texas Congressman Chet Edwards. (Unless it’s Tim Kaine, or some other person! But not Hillary.) This will prompt innumerable conversations about Obama’s surprisingly poor political judgment in picking that Two Americas guy with dirt mansion and the baby mama and the cancer wife. [AP]


Hillary Clinton & Friends Hold Pretend Online Chat!

Thursday, August 7th, 2008

Who loves Hillary! Everyone, of course, and that’s why she held a pretty hilarious & tragic “blog chat” on her Internet today with supporters. Many of these supporters are basically illiterate, which is the “hilarious” part, and yet Hillary answered their questions in ominous ways, which is the “tragic” part. MORE »


President Bush Makes Controversial Remarks On Video!

Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008

'Wall Street got hammered and woke up with its pants around its ankles.'No, alas, this isn’t the much-anticipated “Whitey” tape where George Bush sits in an Afghan cave with Louis Farrakhan spewing racist garbage. (That’ll be out next week.) A newly surfaced video shows our president making some jokes at a recent fundraiser for Pete Olson. Who’s that, you ask? Olson is the Texas Republican who beat Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula Gibbs in a hard-fought primary, thereby strangling in its crib one of the most glorious political ascensions since … well, the last incompetent fraud from Texas. MORE »


Giant UFO Attacks George W. Bush’s Texas Ranch

Wednesday, July 16th, 2008

He is an Alien Muppet Demon.Air Force logs and government radar reports released under the Freedom of Information Act reveal that a massive, terrible mystery aircraft barreled through the skies of Central Texas on January 8 — and it was headed for George W. Bush’s Crawford ranch at 2,100 miles per hour! MORE »


Republican Party of Texas Rejects And Denounces Racist Button Maker

Wednesday, June 18th, 2008

Not funny, dudesYesterday the Internets revealed that a vendor at the Texas state GOP convention was selling dumb racist buttons. So today the state party sent out a sternly worded press release letting everybody know that Hate has no place in the Party of Lincoln: “This vendor [of the goofy button pictured left] need not apply to another Texas G.O.P. State Convention. The proceeds from their booth space will be donated to charity. We will tolerate nor profit from bigotry,” said Hans Klingler, a spokesman. We hope that NAMBLA appreciates all the hot dollars it gets from the terrible vendor’s forfeited booth proceeds. Full press release after the jump. MORE »


Texas GOP Racists Make Wacky Racist Buttons

Tuesday, June 17th, 2008

Black House DownOh, Texas Republicans, you are always so funny. Here is a fun button worn by everyone at the Texas GOP convention. When not making hilarious rape jokes, Texas Republicans like to make jokes about ambitious coloreds. [America Blog]


‘Big John’ Cornyn Creates Comical ‘Western’ Montage Of Self

Monday, June 16th, 2008

Big John Cornyn had to speak at a convention,
Oh my, what to say, with all that attention!
He queried his staff, they dwelled on the matter,
‘Til finally they settled on iambic quadrameter!
“A cowboy to narrate! Some bales of hay!”
Then Cornyn responded, “but isn’t that gay?”
“Nay” said his staffers, “It’s rugged, and tough!
It’s hard-working and white; you’ll look crazy buff!”
So Cornyn agreed and they made this video,
It’s shockingly gay; they thought it was witty yo!
Dear god, it’s hilarious, to a cosmic degree,
‘Cause this is what happens when egos run free.

[Burnt Orange Report]


RON PAUL TO MAKE HISTORIC MAJOR FREEDOM ANNOUNCEMENT 2NITE

Thursday, June 12th, 2008

THIS JUST IN, HOT FROM THE E-MAIL PROGRAM: Ron Paul has something to say tonight hooray. You can watch it at Justin’s TV or whatever. What will he be Announcing? MORE »


Was Flaming Bag Of Poo Responsible For Burning Of Texas Governor’s Mansion?

Tuesday, June 10th, 2008

This is not good for Democracy.This weekend, two very exciting things happened in Austin, Texas. Pinko communist Democrats held their state convention, and the governor’s mansion burned into a tragic, crispy crust. Could the two events be related? Let’s examine the “evidence” behind one possible explanation for the calamity: a drunken visiting Democrat left a burning bag of human feces on the (Republican) governor’s doorstep, never guessing the historic building was one vast, uninhabited fire hazard in search of a flame. MORE »


Congratulations, Jenna!

Monday, May 12th, 2008

Nice day to START AGAIN ....
We’ve all grown up with Jenna, and … well, whatever, she got married, and even though we’ve mocked her plenty — because her dad is a douche — we will say today that she looks lovely, and was a very fetching bride, and sorry about how she has to move to Baltimore now. More pictures, from the White House, after the jump. MORE »


God Sends His Only Severe Thunderstorm To Jenna Bush’s Crawford Wedding

Saturday, May 10th, 2008

Looks like we're in for stormy weather, death and destruction coming through ....
Here’s tonight’s severe weather alert from Waco’s News Channel 25. Yikes, it’s a big terrible thunderstorm over Crawford. But it should clear up by tomorrow evening. Meanwhile, all the poor people in Crawford have offered their barns and double-wides as vacation rentals for the wedding guests, but the elites aren’t falling for that. MORE »


Pizza Hut To Cater Jenna’s Wedding?

Thursday, May 8th, 2008

We are only two days away from The Wedding, and there are simply too many questions remaining! Will Jenna run off at the altar, like Julia Roberts does in all those movies? How hot will Lauren be dressed? Which pizza chains will whore themselves out shamelessly in a losing attempt to cater the reception? Oh look, we already know the answer to that last one! MORE »