texas
House GOP Bans Abortions After 20 Weeks, Unemployment Rate Somehow Unaffected
To the complete surprise of no Wonketeers anywhere, the House of Representatives yesterday passed their bill aimed at alienating women everywhere outlawing abortions after 20 weeks. The effort, nothing more than an empty gesture to throw red meat to anti-choice whackadoos, has been a calamitous clusterfuck of epic proportions from start to finish. But before [...]
Texas Rep. Michael Burgess: Ban Abortion, Because Fetuses Can’t Stop Masturbating
Golly, it’s been, what, a whole bunch of hours since someone on the right said something incredibly stupid about abortion, so we guess this is right on schedule: Texas Congressman Michael Burgess (R-Like We Had To Say “R”) has a whole new reason to ban abortion at 20 weeks, and maybe earlier: masturbating fetuses. Specifically, [...]
Rick Perry Line-Item Vetoes Funding For Public Integrity Unit Because Some Lady Got A DWI, Makes Sense To Us
So you see, Texas has this thing called a Public Integrity Unit, which is supposed to ride herd on public officials’ ethics and spending and stuff. Except now it doesn’t do anything, because Gov. Rick Perry used his line-item veto to eliminate funding for the Unit after the “some lady” in our headline, Travis County [...]
Tonight! The Wonk Your Brains Out Orgy & World Tour Is Stormin’ Norman, Oklahoma!
Attention Wonklahomans! The 2013 Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest-Southwest Orgy and World Tour is on its exciting “Homeward Bound: The Quickening” leg (also known as the “Hey, does this Prius smell funny to you?” leg), and is swinging back through the Sooner State tonight! As part of an exclusive two-day side tour of cities whose [...]
Tonight: Lawrence, Kansas Is Ground Zero For The Wonk Your Brains Out Orgy & World Tour!
Hey, Wonkansanites! The 2013 Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest-Southwest Orgy and World Tour is thundering into your fine state like… like… like two road-ragey ladies in a Prius, we think! And tonight is the night that they will “drop the bomb” on Lawrence, Kansas, a joke that we are 100% certain you guys have not [...]
Why Yes, You May Buy Us Dinner In Iowa Tonight!
Hola dudes, sorry we haven’t rapped at you lately, or uploaded all our pictures of your beautiful faces in Chicago, and Madison, and Minneapolis, and whatnot. We will get on that right away sort of! Are we going to throw a party in Des Moines, Iowa, for you tonight? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Goddamn are we tired. [...]
Rick Perry’s Sweet Seduction Secrets: Treat Your Ladies Right By Paying Them Less
Remember how we watched the super special spectacular flameout of Rick Perry’s presidential campaign, complete with an utter inability to remember which government agencies he wanted to annihilate? That was some must-see TV right there. In between our gales of laughter at the hapless head of hair that is Rick Perry, we were also very [...]
GOP Rep. Ralph Hall Has Fun Hanging Out With Gays Until He Realizes That He Is Hanging Out With Gays
The Capitol is a large complex consisting of several buildings and a series of underground tunnels connecting them, so it can be a confusing place to navigate. However, Rep. Ralph Hall, a conservative Texas Republican and supporter of traditional marriage, has been in Congress for more than 30 years so surely he knows his way [...]
New Texas Jury Instructions: Life Sentences For Everybody, All The Time
OK, so there’s this guy in Texas. He’s not a great fella, so to speak, as he has spent a lot of time getting convicted of stuff like cocaine possession and aggravated assault and leaving the scene of an accident. Not a saint. But he’s done his time in prison, “paid his debt” or whatever, [...]
Louie Gohmert Defends His Fellow Brain-Dead Americans
Everybody needs an advocate. This is why, in our criminal justice system, even murderers and Ken Lay get to have attorneys. And who better to advocate for babies who would be born without brain function than their leader, Texas Mensa President Louie Gohmert? That is why he stood up to Big Abortion in the guise [...]
Unsuccessful Dallas City Council Candidate Informs Insufficiently Homophobic Reporter Of His Ball-lessness, Resemblance To Lady Bits
As a woman what has been in the media for eeep, more than 22 years (?!), your editrix is not unfamiliar with voicemails of the angrier kind. Over the decades, she has been called a cunt and a Nazi and cunt Nazi, whose attitude could only be adjusted by a proper, good-old-fashioned raping. She has [...]
Uncle Sam Wants YOU! To Stop Sexually Assaulting People
Is everyone in the entire United States military so busy sexually assaulting each other — ALLEGEDLY — that they can’t do their jobs, like, say, preventing sexual assault in the military? It sure seems that way. Last week, we learned about Lt. Col. Jeffrey Krusinski, chief of the Air Force’s sexual assault prevention and response [...]
Butthurt Christians Oppressed By Sports Thing That Never Happened
You know what’s outrageous? The way that Christians are constantly being oppressed in this country! Like for instance how a high school track team in Texas had its win taken away and was disqualified from going to the state championship, all because the winning runner in the 4X100 meter relay, Christian athlete Derrick Hayes, pointed [...]
Texas Fertilizer Plant Continues to Express its Freedom
Remember when a Texas fertilizer plant exploded and showered its Freedom all over the town of West, Texas, teaching everyone a much-needed lesson on the uselessness of state regulations? Well the lesson is not over yet, because it turns out that the plant only had $1,000,000 in liability coverage and caused over $100,000,000 in damages.From [...]
Texas Lawmakers Celebrate ‘Gun Day’ With Gun Legislation Spree
As you probably heard, the National Rifle Association held its annual firearms-stroking meeting over the weekend in Houston. And where a lot of state legislatures would just pass a resolution declaring “Suck My Machine Gun Week” or some such, the Texas House instead celebrated the Holy Armed Presence by passing a dozen laws to make [...]
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