Tag Archives: texas

  burn him

RINO Jeb Bush Thinks Poverty Might Be Part Of Baltimore’s Problem, As If

As this emotionally fraught week draws to a close in Baltimore, we must come together as a nation, as Americans, to honor the true victims of the unrest that has rattled the city. Along with the National Guardsmen who could have gotten tennis elbow from carrying all their free food and the politicians who were briefly alarmed while passing through on the train, we should bow our heads to honor the memory of Jeb Bush’s dearly departed Republicanism. Read more on RINO Jeb Bush Thinks Poverty Might Be Part Of Baltimore’s Problem, As If…
  We've heard this tune before

Texas Lady So Mad Airbnb Gave Her Bed, Breakfast And Bigotry The Boot

Let’s fire up a new GoFundMe for a lady bigot what’s hatin’ the gays! The city: Galveston, Texas. The business: Airbnb. The gays: Jonathan and Brent. So here is what happened. Jonathan Wang and his man-lover Brent (no last name provided, maybe he is like Madonna!) were in Galveston to see their friends get married, and they found themselves a nice bed and breakfast on the Airbnb website. Everything was great until they came back and met the owner, some bing bong named “Heather,” who inquired as to where his lovely wife might be. Wang was like “nope, lady, ain’t got no wife, but this is my man friend Brent!” Heather did NOT like that: Read more on Texas Lady So Mad Airbnb Gave Her Bed, Breakfast And Bigotry The Boot…
  Stop laughing these idiots are really scared LOL

Hero Gov. Greg Abbott Will Stop Obama From Doing Martial Law And ISIS To Poor Texans

If you don't believe them, you've probably already been brainwashed.
If you are a fear-addled conspiracy theory-loving wingnut reading this, you already KNOW what we are about to say. Terrible demonic false flag Indo-Kenyan “President” Barack Obama is preparing AT THIS VERY MOMENT to impose martial law on Texas, which will probably be enforced by ISIS, who is currently hiding behind some brush just over yonder, on the Mexican banks of the Rio Grande. Shit yer pants and oil yer guns, y’all, it’s time for a revolution! Read more on Hero Gov. Greg Abbott Will Stop Obama From Doing Martial Law And ISIS To Poor Texans…
  Why tinker with what ain't need fixin'?

Sen. Chuck Grassley: No Need To Fix Voting Rights Act, Blacks Already Vote Enough!

But definitely not racist restrictions, racism is over.
It was wonderful in 2013 when the Supreme Court finally decided that racism was over, and as a gesture of their goodwill, struck down Section 4 of the Voting Rights Act, the part that said states like Mississippi and Alabama have to ask permission before changing voting rules to hurt minorities, not that they would ever do anything like that. It’s not like those states (or any of the other states) have any sort of history of institutionalized racism or anything! Of course, the intention of that SCOTUS ruling was to have Congress go in and “update” that section, to bring it more in line with 2015 racism, as opposed to 1965 racism. Which brings us to Chuck Grassley, Republican senator of Iowa! Read more on Sen. Chuck Grassley: No Need To Fix Voting Rights Act, Blacks Already Vote Enough!…
  what would jesus do?

Christian Texas Lady Thinks Religious Freedom Protects Her Right To Feed The Homeless, AS IF

Texas takes its religious-flavored freedoms VERY SERIOUSLY, as we know. Sometimes, anyway. For important things like gay-hatin’ and slut-shamin’ and gun-totin’ and prisoner-executin’. But Joan Cheever of San Antonio has some CRAZY idea that she should have the freedom to feed the homeless, as she’s been doing since 2005: Read more on Christian Texas Lady Thinks Religious Freedom Protects Her Right To Feed The Homeless, AS IF…
  Pray the AIDS away

Texas Republicans Will Cure AIDS Through Magic Jesus Sexytime School

Texas Republicans have a new never-been-tried-before plan to address the state’s rate of HIV infections (third highest in the country, congratulations!) and teen pregnancies: even more abstinence-only education. Texas Republicans voted to divert funds from an HIV screening program into abstinence education Tuesday night, during an often tense and uncomfortable debate that got too personal for some lawmakers. […] Read more on Texas Republicans Will Cure AIDS Through Magic Jesus Sexytime School…
  Remember The Alahomo

Gay-Hatin’ Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Ready To Be Martyred At The Straight-People Alamo

Yes, this really exists
Ten Commandments Hero Chief Justice Roy Moore came from Alabama with a Brawndo on his knee t’other day, visiting the Lone Star State Monday to address a very important “Defense of Texas Marriage Amendment Rally,” where he said that he is willing to lay down his very life to stop people with the wrong combinations of genitals from entering into marriage contracts. Also, he is worried about all the hyperbole and exaggeration in the world today. Read more on Gay-Hatin’ Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Ready To Be Martyred At The Straight-People Alamo…
  Let's Get Some 'God With Us' Belt Buckles Too

Texas Rep. Finds Life’s Great Purpose: Forcing Air Force Cadets To Swear Oath To God

How airplanes actually fly
You know, kids, Ted Cruz isn’t the only Christian in Congress. He’s the only one running for president (in a field of one declared candidate), but there are also decent God-fearing Christians like Rep. Sam Johnson of Texas, who has introduced a bill that will make sure “so help me God” is a mandatory part of the official oath at the Air Force Academy. This is especially important since jet aircraft fly so much closer to God than our ground forces are, and we wouldn’t want Him swatting them out of the air, now would we? Read more on Texas Rep. Finds Life’s Great Purpose: Forcing Air Force Cadets To Swear Oath To God…
  we don't need your civil war

Congressman From Dukes Of Hazzard: Confederate Flags Are The New MLK

Let's see what them Dukes is up to next!
Yee-haw! What is that Crazy Cooter (of that old redneck TV show “The Dukes of Hazzard” fame), otherwise known as actor and former Democratic congressman from Georgia Ben Jones, up to now? Oh nothing, just going on CNN to argue in favor of allowing descendants of Confederate soldiers to drive around with the Stars and Bars on their license plates in yet the latest instance of the “Everybody gets a trophy” mentality that has infected America in recent years. Cool, nothing we like more than still arguing over this crap in 2015. Read more on Congressman From Dukes Of Hazzard: Confederate Flags Are The New MLK…
  How are the gays messing with Texas today?

Texas AG Will Protect State From Scourge Of Gay-Marrieds Caring For Sick Spouses

Every gay Texan has the right to care for a sick spouse of the opposite sex!
Texas is pulling out all the stops to make sure the gay-marrieds are completely unable to mess with Texas, right up until June, when the Supreme Court is probably going to mess with Texas in such a gay way that they’ll be walking funny for days. Today’s Texan hero is Attorney General Ken Paxton, who has filed a lawsuit against the overreaching federal government, because they don’t want to give family leave to gays who have sick, gay spouses: Read more on Texas AG Will Protect State From Scourge Of Gay-Marrieds Caring For Sick Spouses…
  ¡Viva Piñata!

Texas Landlords Bulldoze Piñata Store, Neglect To Tell Nice Tenants Because They’re Mexican

A pair of Austin landlords wanted some extra parking space for their upcoming SXSW event, so they decided to bulldoze the piñata party store belonging to two of their Mexican tenants. And no, they didn’t bother to notify their tenants beforehand, because they’d figure it out soon enough when they showed up to work and saw their building was gone. Read more on Texas Landlords Bulldoze Piñata Store, Neglect To Tell Nice Tenants Because They’re Mexican…
  Revenge Of The Sea Level

FEMA To States: You Want Cash? Say Climate Change Is Real. SAY IT!

No Disaster Preparedness Funds for you!
In an elegant reply to politicians who aren’t scientists but don’t mind ignoring experts who are, the Federal Emergency Management Agency has come up with a simple solution: States whose governors decide there’s no need to plan for the consequences of a changing climate will no longer qualify for federal grants for emergency preparedness. For climate deniers like Louisiana’s Bobby Jindal, Florida’s Rick Scott, or Texas’s Greg Abbott, it’s a pretty clear opportunity for them to put their coastlines and their populations where their mouths are. Governors who refuse to consider climate in their states’ hazard mitigation plans could lose hundreds of millions of dollars in FEMA money. Read more on FEMA To States: You Want Cash? Say Climate Change Is Real. SAY IT!…
  Here have some news n stuff

Is It Time For Class War? (Hint: Yes)

But watch out for the gout
Still on the fence about whether it’s time for all-out up-against-the-wall eat-the-rich class war revolution? No you’re not: In 2014, Wall Street’s bonus pool was roughly double the combined earnings of all Americans working full-time jobs at minimum wage. […] Read more on Is It Time For Class War? (Hint: Yes)…
  but jesus told me to give her a black eye

Religious Freedom To Hate Gays And Maybe Beat Your Wife Spreading Everywhere, Hooray!

How gay
Now that The Great Gay Scourge is spreading unfettered across the land — what with the gays marrying and not being thrown into jail and/or executed for the buttsechs — it is time for us to focus on the Real Victims of Oppression. We are referring, of course, to good, honest, Bible-believing Christians, whose God-given right to prevent gays from public housing and accommodations has come under threat from the tyranny of judicial activists. Read more on Religious Freedom To Hate Gays And Maybe Beat Your Wife Spreading Everywhere, Hooray!…
  One Toke Over The Party Line

Suddenly Everyone* Wants To Legalize Weed (*Not Everyone)

The latest Stoned Pony
To bring to life the old cliché that libertarians are just Republicans who want to get high, a couple of conservatives have unexpectedly supported various changes to marijuana laws this week. What’s more, there’s even a bill in the U.S. Senate to end the federal ban on medical weed and reclassify marijuana’s legal status from a Schedule 1 to a Schedule 2 drug, thus “allowing doctors to recommend its use in some cases to veterans, expanding access to researchers and making it easier for banks to provide services to the industry.” Read more on Suddenly Everyone* Wants To Legalize Weed (*Not Everyone)…
  They're so nice they didn't even add "OR DEATH?"

Nice Texas Democrats Give Delicious Gay Love Cakes To Bigot Republicans

Try it, we promise it won't make you gay. Much.
Texan bigots are just NOT OKAY with all these homosexuals comin’ all up into Texas and destroying opposite marriage for everybody. Know who IS okay with the gays destroying everything? Texas Democrats, that is who! They decided this week to deliver gay love cakes to a select group of the worst gay-hatin’ Texas Republicans of all: Read more on Nice Texas Democrats Give Delicious Gay Love Cakes To Bigot Republicans…
  It's popcorn time in Texas

Texas Pro-Life Republicans Just Hahahaha No Seriously For Real This Story Just Read It

Texas State Rep. Jonathan Stickland
Who’s in the mood to watch Texas Republicans slap-fight with each other? Oh, everyone? OK then, let’s do that! The Texas legislature is considering yet another bill to shut down Planned Parenthood because that’s pretty much all the Texas legislature does, when it’s not trying to shut down The Gay and the Supreme Court. Read more on Texas Pro-Life Republicans Just Hahahaha No Seriously For Real This Story Just Read It…
  Standing athwart Texas's Virgin throat and crying "STOP!"

Texas Rep Lady Ain’t About To Let No Full-Of-Itself ‘Supreme Court’ Gay Marry Texas

Try to get yer gay marriage past this, motherfucker, PEW PEW PEW!
If Texas state Rep. Molly White gets her way, newly minted Texas GOP chair Tom Mechler won’t have to worry about homos kissin’ in the newspaper or any of that other gay stuff, for Molly has A Solution, and as you see above, she’s got a gun. As David Badash at the New Civil Rights Movement reports, Molly is still in her second month of even BEING a Big Girl State Representative, but she has already Solved Texas. For one thing, she’s come up with a bill that says even if the United States Supreme Court gifts gay marriage to a hungry nation, Texas need not comply, because Texas. Read more on Texas Rep Lady Ain’t About To Let No Full-Of-Itself ‘Supreme Court’ Gay Marry Texas…
  beware those muslims being muslims in public!

Homeless Crazy Jesus Lady Knows Who’s Being Invaded By Muslims (It Is Oklahoma)

Guys, do you remember Christine Weick? Of course you remember Christine Weick. Christine Weick is the nice and not at all bugshit crazy American Patriot who drives around in her SUV from town to town — she is NOT HOMELESS, SHUT UP, SHE HAS A BANK ACCOUNT AND EVERYTHING — rambling on about Muslims and homosexuals and how Monster Energy Drinks are of the devil. And here’s the good news: She’s coming to save you, Oklahoma, from the scourge of the Islamics doing prayers to their false god and stuff. Read more on Homeless Crazy Jesus Lady Knows Who’s Being Invaded By Muslims (It Is Oklahoma)…
  Moron Labe

Tyrannical Texas Government Raids Meeting Of Secessionists, Unfair To Secessionists!

Oooh, I hates tyranny, and I hates jackboots, and I hates gubmint!
Meet Pastor John Jarnecke, a self-styled “Texian” who runs a secessionist group called the Republic of Texas. It’s not a violent group — think of it like a Model UN, only with more Type II diabetes. It’s fun, they have presidential elections and everything! Also, Tammy’s mom brings Rice Krispie squares every Thursday. Read more on Tyrannical Texas Government Raids Meeting Of Secessionists, Unfair To Secessionists!…
  I done jitterbugged my way into a pile of Ay-rab men

America’s BFF Saudi Arabia Says Dancing Makes You Gay, Which Is Obvious Science Fact

Our bestest friend Saudi Arabia knows what is up. While the religious freedom American Jesus people are still stuck in the past, saying that your mother made you gay because she was too nice, or your father made you gay because he worked a lot, or your priest made you gay because obvious, the morality police of Saudi Arabia are fully aware that the Gateway Drug to the Gay is DANCING: Read more on America’s BFF Saudi Arabia Says Dancing Makes You Gay, Which Is Obvious Science Fact…