Tag Archives: texas

  Maybe DuPont Had A Discount Coupon

DuPont Chemical Plant Kills 4 Employees, Pays $99,000 Fine. That’ll Learn ‘Em.

Chemical Plant Workers: $25K Each (Cheap!)
Just in case you were wondering, the official worth of a chemical-plant worker’s life is just a skosh under $25,000. That’s the word from the U.S. Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) in its decision to fine a Dupont chemical plant in La Porte, Texas, a whopping $99,000 for safety violations that killed four workers in November 2014. At the time of the accident, which involved a release of poisonous methyl mercaptan gas used in the making of insecticides, people were astonished that the plant management seemed to have no idea exactly what was going on or just how toxic the gas was — as Rachel Maddow reported, the fumes were so bad that local firefighters had to abandon a search and rescue attempt because their respirators were insufficient to protect them. Read more on DuPont Chemical Plant Kills 4 Employees, Pays $99,000 Fine. That’ll Learn ‘Em….
  dreams can come true

Texas Oil Heir Finds Secret Of Happiness: Murdering Endangered Rhinos

This fuckin' guy.
There are, like, 5,000 black rhinos left in the wild, tops. And now there’s one fewer, thanks to Texas oil heir Corey Knowlton, who legally shot an endangered black rhino and then legally brought it back to the United States, because that made Corey Knowlton feel like a big strong hunting man. What, how even, please explain to us NPR. Read more on Texas Oil Heir Finds Secret Of Happiness: Murdering Endangered Rhinos…
  Trust no 1

Shhhh, Texas, Everything Will Be Fine When Rick Perry Is President

Sometimes he likes to imagine being president
Have you noticed how perfectly reasonable people who used to wave flags and heart America and scream things like “LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, TRAITOR!” have suddenly, for no reason whatsoever, become suspicious of their government, just because the president is black and not-so-secretly wants to destroy us with terrorism and subsidized healthcare? Read more on Shhhh, Texas, Everything Will Be Fine When Rick Perry Is President…
  An Armed Society is a Bullet-Riddled Society

After Waco Shootout, Know What Texas Needs? More Guns EVERYWHERE!

This is silly. The real Texas vending machines include some revolvers.
On Sunday, Waco, Texas played host to a guns-and-knives ballet performance by the Bandidos and Cossacks motorcycle clubs, leaving 9 dead, 18 injured, and 170 in jail. On Monday, the Texas Senate debated HB 910, a bill that would allow open carry of handguns just about everywhere in the state. Also up for consideration is SB 11, which would allow concealed carry of weapons on college campuses. There is no connection at all between the shootout and the pending legislation, because shut up is why. Read more on After Waco Shootout, Know What Texas Needs? More Guns EVERYWHERE!…
  Let's See How They Blame This On Gay Marriage

9 Dead In Waco Biker Fight; Armed Society Not Quite So Polite

Almost certainly the fault of single mothers
Nine bikers were killed in a fight at a restaurant in Waco, Texas, Sunday, as rival motorcycle gangs fought each other over not much of anything. The violence has left observers wondering what it is about Texan people that leads them to such wanton violence; we’re waiting in vain for so-called “moderate Texans” to condemn the actions of the thugs within their midst. Read more on 9 Dead In Waco Biker Fight; Armed Society Not Quite So Polite…
  let's challenge her to a rap battle

Ann Romney May Be In A Gang, Hide Your Kids! Your Weekly Top Ten.

Don't hate the playa, hate the game.
WELL HELLO THERE, Wonketariat! It is Sunday, which means it’s time for us to go to brunch and also gossip with you about the week’s top stories, but before we get to that, we feel compelled to quickly discuss the picture above, which Ann Romney, wife of Mitt, shared on the Twitter after her husband’s charity boxing match with Evander Holyfield. Is Ann Romney in a gang now? PROBABLY, because she is so street. She told the Twitter that she was very excited to be part of “Mitt’s posse.” Anybody who coughs up a video of Romney (husband OR wife) twerking wins an “Obamaphone.” Read more on Ann Romney May Be In A Gang, Hide Your Kids! Your Weekly Top Ten….
  Bombs away!

House Republicans Find Billions Of Dollars Under Couch Cushions, Will Spend It On War

You know how we do not have any money? And we are drowning in debt? And we should abolish the IRS and the Department of Education and repeal all healthcare and privatize Social Security and “fix Medicaid” by killing it dead so we can drown the U.S. government in a bathtub? And Arizona Sen. Jeff Flake is real concerned that we spend a whopping $135k a year to quarantine cocoa plants so they do not die from disease and infestation and we do not run out of chocolate, and that’s a horrible waste of taxpayer dollars, and that’s why we’re so broke? Read more on House Republicans Find Billions Of Dollars Under Couch Cushions, Will Spend It On War…
  Here have some news n stuff

Fox News Affiliate Will Protect You From Picasso’s Fancy Sex Nipples

Sorry you just broke your monitor because this picture gave you such a boner.
Don’t you hate it when you’re watching the evening news with your mom and they say “BREAKING!” and it’s a story about how a Picasso sold for $179M at Christie’s auction, so you freak out because you just know they’re going to show art nipples on teevee, and now you have a boner in front of your mom? Well, Fox 5 in New York decided to blur them out so that won’t happen: Read more on Fox News Affiliate Will Protect You From Picasso’s Fancy Sex Nipples…
  RIP patriarchy

City Of Austin Sorry For Hiring ‘Experts’ To Teach How Lady Leaders Are Different From The Regular Kind

Chicks, amirite? With their pantyhose and periods and whatever else chicks are about, who knows, shoes and vacuums? It’s fine and good when they stick to doing their thing, like shopping and sammich-fixin’, but when they try to do a man’s job — like being on the city council of Austin, Texas — it can really throw everything out of order, and then no one knows how to handle themselves. So that’s when you gotta call in the professionals: Read more on City Of Austin Sorry For Hiring ‘Experts’ To Teach How Lady Leaders Are Different From The Regular Kind…
  dirty commie socialists

Texas Will Make Sure Your Doctor Knows Where You Got Your Filthy Obamacare

This is what Obamacare insurance cards look like, right?
The Texas House did something gross, because it is the Texas House, try not to faint from surprise. House Bill 1514, approved by a vote of 129 to 8, would require that a special designation — “QHP” — be added to insurance cards for plans purchased through the Affordable Care Act’s online exchanges, just so your doctor knows how gross you are. Originally, the bill included the designation QHP-S, which would have added an extra special “fuck the poors” scarlet letter to the insurance cards of people who qualified for subsidies under Obamacare, but that part was removed from the final bill that passed, which liberal blogs and mainstream newspapers would know if they READ A GODDAMNED BILL ONCE IN A WHILE: Read more on Texas Will Make Sure Your Doctor Knows Where You Got Your Filthy Obamacare…
  learning 'science'

Dumb Duggar Girl And Dumb Husband Explain Atheists Don’t Exist (Kind Of Like God)

There is something in Texas called the Institute for Creation Research, and one of the reality-TV-for-Christ girl Duggars took a field trip to it, with her husband. This is the same Duggar who field tripped to the Holocaust Memorial Museum in DC, where she learned that Charles Darwin did the Holocaust with his just-a-theory of evolution, so abortions are bad. (Homeschooling for the win!) Read more on Dumb Duggar Girl And Dumb Husband Explain Atheists Don’t Exist (Kind Of Like God)…
  Everything's bigger in Texas including the stupid

United States Of Texas Not About To Let Supreme Court Gay It All Up

Just suck it up
Everyone knows we’re getting gay married in June. ALL OF US. The Supreme Court heard the last desperate gasp of bigots sputtering “tradition” and “the children” and “boo hoo” in April, and assuming Justice Antonin Scalia fails to persuade his colleagues that if Plato didn’t need a marriage certificate to do all the buttsex he wanted, then neither should anyone in contemporary America, a majority of the Court is going to tell us that the law o’ the land (aka The Constitution) says We Are All Gay Now. Read more on United States Of Texas Not About To Let Supreme Court Gay It All Up…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: The Holocaust Was A Hoax, Martial Law In Texas Is Real

NB: Remember, talking about actual Nazis does not violate Godwin's Law
Lots of lovely deleted comments for you this week, many of them in reply to our piece about David Cole, the Holocaust denier who’s found an exciting new career denying climate change (he thinks climate scientists need to be tried for treason or something). Some of the comments were about what you’d expect, like this succinct dismissal of the entire topic, from one “boris_batonov,” who simply wrote: “so you retards believe in the holohoax” — and while we’re offended by his historical illiteracy and terrible punctuation, what really chafes is a username that insults a great cartoon character. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: The Holocaust Was A Hoax, Martial Law In Texas Is Real…
  CONNECT THE DOTS IDIOTS

Texas Gets Ready For Its FEMA Camps. Bye Texas!

Is this a FEMA train that's about to capture all the Americans? Sure, why not.
This Operation Jade Helm 15 conspiracy theory just gets funnier and funnier MORE AND MORE REAL. If you’ll remember, the U.S. military is set to do a totally routine exercise this summer in the western states, which has led obviously sane Texans to conclude that Obama has decided to invade Texas, which is strange, since Obama already controls Texas, GET YR GUNS READY! They’re either doing this because ISIS is right across the Mexican border waiting to attack (no they aren’t), or because it’s just time for Obama to declare himself emperor and do martial law to everybody. And now we have the trains to prove it! Read more on Texas Gets Ready For Its FEMA Camps. Bye Texas!…
  Knock It Off With All The Local Control Will You?

Missouri GOP Knows Cities Can’t Be Trusted To Make Their Own Minimum Wage Laws

You weirdos just knock it off with your local control, OK?
Republicans in the Missouri State Senate are the latest to jump on the trendy new thing where Small Government Conservatives blather on endlessly about the sanctity of states’ rights and local control, and then turn around and pass state laws to prevent towns and cities from passing laws that might differ from Republican policies. If they have their way, local governments will be prohibited from setting their own minimum wage, as well as from restricting use of plastic bags, and maybe other stuff as well. Because freedom and local control are beautiful, except when they aren’t. Read more on Missouri GOP Knows Cities Can’t Be Trusted To Make Their Own Minimum Wage Laws…
  Better Living Through Ignorance

House GOP Hearing On Science Uncontaminated By Any Scientists

Please adjust your speaker settings if your computer can't handle the Dolby
In the great Republican tradition of white people telling black people what racism is, or congressional committees run by men setting policies on women’s health, the Natural Resources Committee held a very important hearing on the politicization of science last week. To keep the testimony untainted by bias, subcommittee chair Rep. Louie Gohmert didn’t invite any actual scientists to testify. It was an inspiring reminder that the House Science Committee doesn’t have a monopoly on ruining science. Read more on House GOP Hearing On Science Uncontaminated By Any Scientists…
  this Jade Helm thing just keeps getting better and better

Walmart To Texas Wingnuts: We’re Not Building Secret Tunnels So China Can Come Kill You

PART OF THE CONSPIRACY!
High priest of the nutjob conspiracy theorists Alex Jones has utterly lost control of his congregation. He has tried to assure the Operation Jade Helm 15 truthers that a string of Walmart closings around the country have absolutely nothing to do with the TOTALLY REAL Jade Helm conspiracy, which is that a completely routine military exercise is actually a secret plot whereby President Obama may invade and conquer Texas, maybe as a way to give it to ISIS as a peace gift, or something, who can even know what Obama has up his sleeve? But the loons just won’t listen to Alex Jones, so Walmart has had to jump in and issue perhaps the most awesome press statement in the history of Walmart: Read more on Walmart To Texas Wingnuts: We’re Not Building Secret Tunnels So China Can Come Kill You…
  Here have some news n stuff

Marvel CEO Thinks Girl Superheroes Can Eat It

No one wants to watch, eh?
Women ruin everything, what with being women, as women do, but it’s not just limited to everything. They ruin otherwise perfectly good movies about superheroes too. Ugh! According to an email from Marvel CEO Ike Perlmutter (a man) sent to Sony CEO Michael Lynton (also a man), there is ample evidence that movies about girl superheroes are total FAILS, no need to even bother making those anymore: Read more on Marvel CEO Thinks Girl Superheroes Can Eat It…
  Chlamydia The Tattooed Lady

Texas School District So Good At Teaching Teens Not To F*ck, Only 1 In 15 Have Chlamydia

Illegal
Here’s some terrific evidence of the effectiveness of abstinence-based sex ed in Texas: not only does the state have among the highest teen pregnancy rates in the country, but Texas is also pretty darn good at promoting sexually transmitted diseases, too! See, for instance, the happily-shagging teens of the Crane Independent School District in west Texas, where one in 15 students at the high school have chlamydia. Read more on Texas School District So Good At Teaching Teens Not To F*ck, Only 1 In 15 Have Chlamydia…
  Terror Alert Level Remains At 'Pantsload'

Pentagon Says There’s No Plot To Invade Texas. But It Would, Wouldn’t It?

It is TOTALLY a conpisracy
In a move that was as touchingly optimistic as it was futile, the Pentagon attempted to reassure nervous Texans that an upcoming training exercise is definitely not a secret plan to declare martial law, impose UN control over the Alamo, or steal Texans’ magic bags of juju. The planned exercise for special operations troops, called Jade Helm 15, got online conspiracy theorists so overheated about the imminent end of Freedom and Liberty that Texas Gov. Greg Abbott last week ordered the Texas State Guard to keep an eye on the federals just to make sure they won’t get up to any funny stuff. And now that the Department of Defense has dismissed the conspiracy claims as “wild speculation,” you can pretty much bet that the more excitable elements of the interwebs will calm down and go back to worrying about real threats, like chemtrails and ISIS infiltration of Texas delis. Read more on Pentagon Says There’s No Plot To Invade Texas. But It Would, Wouldn’t It?…
  You'd Think Hate And Rage Would Bring People Together More

First And Second Amendments In Battle To Death As A**holes Shoot Up Texan Anti-Islam Event

She seems nice
A bunch of anti-Muslim extremists in Texas were attacked by a couple of Muslim extremists yesterday, proving that America needs to take much more extreme measures to protect itself from Muslim extremists. In the Dallas suburb of Garland, Texas, the charming folks of the “American Freedom Defense Initiative,” Pam Geller’s happy band of Islamophobes, were holding a widely publicized contest to find the bestest possible cartoon of the prophet Mohammed — a $10,000 prize to the cartoon that best captured what Islamophobes think is funny — when two men drove up and shot an unarmed security guard in the ankle; Garland police officers returned fire, killing the attackers immediately. Read more on First And Second Amendments In Battle To Death As A**holes Shoot Up Texan Anti-Islam Event…