Wonkette

Oh huzzah! Even if Comedy-Proof Barry Obama makes it into the White House next year, there will still be plenty of opportunities for humor … because Terry McAuliffe might be running for governor of Virginia. How much does Terry McAuliffe know about (and love!!!) Virginia? So much that Tucker Martin, the campaign spokesperson for likely Republican candidate Attorney General Robert F. McDonnell, said, “Terry McAuliffe doesn’t know Norton from Norfolk. If he runs, remind me to send him a Virginia state map.” Oh har har har you won’t be laughing so much next year when Terry McAuliffe shows up on the cable news doing rum body shots off your savagely pummeled ass, Tucker Martin! Why is every douchebag Republican hack named Tucker? [Washington Post]

TERRY MCAULIFFE IS SEXIST: Uh oh, it seems that comical former Hillary Clinton campaign chairman Terry McAuliffe is drunk again. In an interview with some Virginia newspaper, he recommended Virginia Gov. Tim Kaine be selected as Obama’s second black vice president, and not Hillary! We think Terry McAuliffe should get the job because why not. [Falls Church News Press/HuffPo]

Tomorrow is quittin’ time for Hillary Clinton, so today she threw a big farewell bash for her 500-person staff at her Georgetown home, Whitehaven Manor Castle, “in the back yard by the swimming pool.” And although Hillary could’ve served the troops just fine, thank you, with her trademark potato salad recipe — which consists of bourbon and no potatoes at all — she donated another $11 million to her campaign for catering! “All morning, workers brought tables, food, and bags of ice through the side gate, assisted by Secret Service agents. Valets helped park cars to keep them off the quiet one-way street.” Oh boy!

UPDATE BELOW: We’re hearing that many sad pandas on Team Clinton didn’t get invited. MORE »

Here’s nutty Clinton campaign chairman Terry McAuliffe making good on his promise to do shots with Morning Joe co-host Mika Brzezinski, today, at like 7 a.m. They are downing “Puerto Rican rum,” as Terry gladly points out — it’s a very exclusive brand known as “regular Bacardi.” Then they talk about politics for a while, and Mika touches him at the end, and now we know that they are having an affair, forever. [MSNBC]

Jon Stewart marvels at Terry McAuliffe’s fantastical refusal to confront reality. “Kiss my ass, Barack,” Terry says, and a bunch of other comical things. Will Terry McAuliffe look back on these last days of the campaign and feel ashamed of his terrible buffoonery? Probably not, because he will be drunk on Puerto Rican rum. [The Daily Show]

One of the real pleasures in this rancid campaign season has been watching Our Terry blossom from milquetoast DLC hack into a cheerfully barking lunatic who takes obvious pleasure in saying nutball things like “Hillary Clinton, the nominee.” Watch him after the jump as he hoists a bottle of Bacardi Gold and promises to get wasted with Mika Brzezinski on Wednesday morning. MORE »

Here is the most painfully awkward moment in the last two days, where Clinton campaign chairman Terry McAuliffe tells Tim Russert that his father, “Big Russ,” is dead and watching on from Heaven. “Big Russ” is not dead at all. What revenge does the Hillary campaign have planned for MSNBC? Oh right, killing Tim Russert’s father. [YouTube]

Last night Wonkette harassed Hillary campaign chairman Terry McAuliffe, but the audio went out! Now we can have one of those evil contests that people like so much, hurrah: When we asked Terry McAuliffe about Hillary Clinton, what did he say? Best response wins a pot of golden furs.

Polaroid Liz returns! Here she is with the bull-riding former DNC chairman and current Hillary campaign chairman Terry McAuliffe. He is a monster of energy, and maybe kind of a monster also. But here we are tonight at the Hillary campaign headquarters in Philadelphia, where there is no wireless despite the fact that all the campaign people keep saying “sure, there’s wireless everywhere!” These people lie like demons, everywhere, about everything.

Last night after the Elton John concert, Terry McAuliffe — the former DNC chair and current overlord of the Hillary Clinton for President committee — rode a fucking mechanical bull, according to a Wonkette mechanical bull operative. She says it was approximately 1 a.m. after the show at Johnny Utah’s bar on West 51st St., “a place famous for having the only mechanical bull in Manhattan and for its regular bull riding challenges.” Drunkest man alive? If anyone else was there, please let us know how long he lasted and send photos of him face down on the ground, spitting dirt.

Many Democrats are worried about the party’s doom scenario that might result from big Clinton wins today: Hillary Clinton will do anything to win the nomination, and that may include staying in the race! But the silly Democrats have nothing to worry about, because very soon the various Clinton advisers will have destroyed each other, and Hillary will be a roving cat lady trying to find her way home. First Harold Ickes blamed the campaign’s failures on Mark Penn, then Mark Penn blamed it on Harold Ickes, Patti Solis Doyle and anyone who isn’t himself. Now Team Hillary’s chairman, Terry McAuliffe, is telling Penn to shut his fat Bowser mouth. MORE »

Chris Matthews to Clinton’s campaign manager, Terry McAuliffe: “I wish I had you on my side in life. You’re the best.” Yeah, too bad he has to keep toting that dumb broad Hillary around. Men: BOOO!

Earlier this year, LA scenester, Paris Hilton hanger-on, and occasional lame “fashion designer” Anand Jon was arrested and charged with 32 counts of sexual assault, mostly for raping or trying to rape underaged models. At left, former DNC head and current Clinton campaign head Terry McAuliffe poses with a little boy who supports Mr. Jon, in a photo taken at last month’s Friends of the South Asian American Communities gala in Beverly Hills, a celebration of Indian Independence and giving money to Democrats.

FOSAAC celebrates 60th Independence Day [News Asia]
The Designer Who Liked Models [NYT]

* Heard on the Hill: Nancy Boyda uses vomiting to get closer to hunky firefighters … Chuck Grassley has boring accident. [Roll Call]
* Yeas and Nays: Newt Gingrich shills for shitty Australian beer … Senators enjoy narco-terrorist bananas. [Examiner]
* Shenanigans: Barbara Lee and Raul Grijalva harness the power of hip-hop … Terry McAuliffe has lots of frequent flier miles. [Politico]
* The Sleuth: Planes safe from terrorism, as convicted felon Scooter Libby is sticking to Amtrak. [WP]
* Page Six: Judith Miller spotted dining with the owner of the New York Daily News. [NYP]
* Washington Whispers: Hillary Clinton considers asking daughter Chelsea to serve as First Lady … Secret Service excited about letting losing candidates fend for themselves. [USN&WR] MORE »